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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First to contact friend but now regret it

43 replies

SUZE871 · 19/02/2022 09:16

So I met this friend at uni. She would disapear over the holidays. I would contact her and get no response, eventually I would find she had gone abroad. I would find this by rining her house phone. She would change her number and actually the only way of contacting her was via ringing her house number. We would arrange to meet, go for a meal, I drove. When me met we were good. We would meet for coffees at uni. So I was always the one to seek her out. I did not really register this initially. She always wanted me to take her out. She was happy meeting me. I never thought she was trying to not stay in contact.
She would come to my house, I would go to her house.
She got married and we lost contact a few years ago. I tried to message her and she disappeared. I couldn't find her home number so left it. Until recently I found her on a tutoring website. I got happy message her and we got back in contact. She arranged a meeting in the tuition website, and then didn't turn up. I got quite annoyed. Anyway then she emailed me. She actually had my email address. I had searched for her and searched. I did not have her email address as it was from uni and longer valid.

She emailed me and her message was...hi we meet up on such and such date as that's when my holidays start. Come outside where my parents live and we go for a meal.

This is probably really outing...but o dont care.

I was annoyed as it was all on her terms, and the fact she had my email and never tried to contact me. In fact my number was the same. Her was not. Now I want to just block her and delete and let her know what a shit she had been. I mean I was happy until I learnt she had my email address.

We were close as we would visit each other, eat dinner at each others houses.

Maybe I was a fool to carry on pursuing her and she was gently letting me go by not responding.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 19/02/2022 11:58

Op, when you post a question on here you are going to get replies that you don't agree with. Just take it on the chin and move on.

Squirrelsbizaare · 19/02/2022 12:01

I think two people can have a very different view of the same friendship, or friendships in general.
I don't think its necessarily a bad thing that she hasn't contacted you, because you don't know what's happened in the intervening years.
In situations like this I just adjust my expectations of that friend in terms of my investment in it, give back to her what she's giving you and start looking to develop some new friends and interests.

CrystalCoco · 19/02/2022 12:04

The way I see it you just both lost touch and life moved on.

When you reconnected she seemed happy to meet up? She suggested a time and place - this doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want to see you again.

I understand your point that it's always on her terms (ie she told you when / where) but maybe she's just busy and her way of communicating doesn't match yours. If you'd gone back and said that doesn't suit, how about X instead, would that have made you feel better?

Is it too late now to just meet up and see how things go between you, you might meet and things are fab, or the opposite and you decide actually I don't want to pursue this.

ReflectiveJournal · 19/02/2022 12:05

I get why you wouldn't continue the friendship, but why block her? That's a really extreme reaction to someone you thought you were friends with. She's been a bit rubbish but not nasty as far as I can tell.

FuckThatBullshit · 19/02/2022 12:16

Sorry but I agree you've gone way over the top trying to track her down and you sound a tad obsessed

PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 12:17

I would be a bit creeped out by your efforts tbh.

PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 12:18

And blocking her is a bit much. She hasn't done anything wrong. But you're free to block whoever you want.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 19/02/2022 12:23

This is why ghosting is so awful, it leaves you with no closure and often feeling quite foolish.

YANBU to be annoyed. I would text her something like "no problem, unfortunately that doesn't work for me. Must catch up soon." And leave it there. She's flakey and rude.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 19/02/2022 12:24

@PolkaSpace

And blocking her is a bit much. She hasn't done anything wrong. But you're free to block whoever you want.

She stood her up! That's not wrong? Who just doesn't turn up to arranged meet ups?!

TigerLilyTail · 19/02/2022 12:36

It is a bit stalkerish to find someone on a tutoring website and contact them.

I've googled old friends and Exes but I would never track them down to their work places and contact them.

PolkaSpace · 19/02/2022 12:37

She stood her up! That's not wrong? Who just doesn't turn up to arranged meet ups?! someone creeped out by the whole thing

WomanStanleyWoman · 19/02/2022 13:02

@SUZE871

I don't agree it was stalking. As it was a 'oh yeah I remember her, wonder what happened to her'. I've done that with a load of friends and I'm sure other people do? Dont they? I mean have you never wondered where a teacher went or, the kid that sat next to upu through out school went? Or even a child actor in movie went?. Of course you dont contact them. But I eventually found her and contacted her. Had she turned around and ignored me and I continued to contact her, that would be stalker ish. She then set up a meeting...she then messaged me via email, she then messaged me saying we should meet on the 19th because my school finishes. I did not reponse as I thought well, why are you so keen now when you had my email address.

So no not stalkerish. Maybe I invested too much in even bothering to find her. Bit no not stalked.

So you got in touch because you were mildly curious about what happened to her - yet you went apoplectic when you found out she had your email address and could have been in touch sooner? Plus, in your first post you say ‘I searched and I searched’. Which is it?

Deleting and blocking, and warning her ‘to know she’s been a shit’ all sounds very dramatic. Why is everyone so obsessed with the ‘delete and block’ mantra nowadays? Was it really that bad when, if two friends had a disagreement, they just didn’t get in touch for a while (or maybe ever) without making a big point of actively preventing contact in the future?

Sometimes I miss the days when the only way to ‘block’ someone was to avoid answering the phone and then ringing 1471…

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 19/02/2022 13:09

I voted YANBU meaning you need to stop pursuing her. Really if you were a man everyone here would tell you to let her go.
She may like you as an acquaintance but not enough to keep a steady invested relationship/friendship. I understand you are confused and hurt but whatever friendship you had was a long time ago and she has not brought you with her into her present life. That doesn’t mean she didn’t/doesn’t like you, it means she associates you with a certain time in her life and she has moved in from that. And you need to do the same.

Lifeismeh · 19/02/2022 13:11

It sounds like she’s doesn’t want to be your friend and hasn’t for a while.

I think you’ve done the right thing in stopping the contact now. Don’t go back to it.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 19/02/2022 13:12

I had this with an old school friend. From the ages of 20 to 50 I only saw her a handful of times (maybe 10 times in 30 years) because she was constantly flitting around. She lived overseas mostly so phone calls were out of the question. Then out of the blue she'd get in touch (I only lived in three places over those years and was always in the phone book so was easy to keep track of). We'd meet up and it would be like we had seen each other yesterday and then not see one another again for years.

In the nicest possible way, my friend just didn't have time for me back them. She had several kids by several dads from different countries (hence often living overseas) and she always worked to support them. Maintaining steady friendships as well as being a mum, breadwinner , partner and only child of elderly parents wasn't her priority.

We are both in our 60s now. Our children are adults , she has a steady partner and lives nearer. We are in contact via SM and we see each other a couple of times a year and it's wonderful. To other people we might look like two old biddies having a natter but we are as happy as we were when we were youngsters swooning over the Bay City Rollers. We might not have seen each other often but we know one another's histories going back over 50 years. That's priceless. I'm so glad I didn't cut her off or drop her during the 3 decades of flakiness.

wheresmyshoe · 19/02/2022 13:19

Leave her be.

FilledSoda · 19/02/2022 13:57

I identify more with the friend in this scenario.
I don't need or enjoy a lot of company . I'm happy to be friendly and have occasional meet up for coffee or whatever but I don't want to be made feel committed to any friendship .
My dh is my best friend and that's the relationship I invest in .
Friends come and go and maybe they reappear in a few years or not . It's just not that important to me.
I remember meeting a friend once and she said that if she didn't contact me she'd never see me. She was right , she actually did my head in, she was so intense !
I think the crux of the issue is that you're much more invested and feel offended that it isn't reciprocated . She is happy to see you when it suits but she's really not that bothered.
Blocking her seems very OTT.

Hmbleybee · 19/02/2022 14:19

You don't have to think or agree that it's stalkerish behaviour for it to actually be stalkerish behaviour. Big difference between being curious and searching Facebook for an old school friend/teacher, to finding them on a tutoring website, where presumably she's acting in a professional capacity, and then contacting them there as well. Did you purposely search for her? Without a backstory to it, it seems weird that you would just happen to come across this website.

You need to let this go. I think she's given you enough hints, over years and years, that she doesn't consider the friendship the same way you do. I don't think she's 'been a shit', I think life has just moved on for her. It's ok for people to move on from friendships they had when they were younger.

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