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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my boundaries too strict or is this crossing the line?

26 replies

Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 06:34

So, I was assigned a group task at a class I take. Our group of 7 have met about 6 times so its a relatively new "friendship" . We all seemed to get on pretty well until we were assigned a pretty stressful task. One group member in particular allocated herself as leader, which is fine and much needed to stay on task as we do chat ALOT. However, over the 3 days the task took to complete she became progressively rude. Dismissing peoples ideas and input, allocating tasks to others but refusing to do the tasks that were allocated to her by the rest of the group. I got the impression she felt asthough she'd done all the work, yet, literally refused to let anyone else contribute where it didnt align with her thinking. At one point she outright "shushed" me mid sentence. Im trying really hard to consider this was a stressful situation and maybe she doesn't cope under pressure? I dont know her well enough to guess if this was a one off display of behaviour due to pressure. Would it be an overreaction to carry this annoyance forward and maybe confront her or should i just forget it ever happened?
Someone please help, im pretty sure ill have to meet with this person again and not sure what to do. Thank you

OP posts:
Pashazade · 19/02/2022 06:54

Sounds like she was completely out of order and you have my sympathies. However I would probably let it go for now. If you end up having to work with her again I would pull her up immediately on any behaviour that is detrimental to anyone. Or make sure she doesn't get designated lead. I think if you complain to her now it will just seem like sour grapes, she probably likes being in charge so she can delegate do sweet FA.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 19/02/2022 06:59

God I hate group tasks and they bring out the worst in me, so I sort of think thats what has happened here?

She needs to be more self aware though.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/02/2022 07:03

God these things bring out the worst in people....

Honestly I'd adopt a purely pragmatic approach.

What do you want and need first and foremost?
It is a "good grade" or to keep the relationship in tact as you'll need to have long term dealings with this person?

All actions I took would hinge off of this (getting what I want out of it)

MumWithYOPD · 19/02/2022 07:04

I’d have to raise being shushed as there’s no excuse for that.
I assume you are a participant in the class rather than the person ‘taking’ the class. Give whoever set the task feedback if you’re uncomfortable, why aren’t they observing the group?

Teethhelp · 19/02/2022 07:06

Does she think she's on the apprentice?

HarlanPepper · 19/02/2022 07:07

If you think she's likely to be able to reflect honestly on her behaviour, and if you are able to raise it in a non-confrontational sort of way, then I suppose you could. It might be helpful to her and others if she's in future group situations. But on the other hand, my experience has been that people are rarely able to accept criticism. Are you likely to have to work with her again?

gingerhills · 19/02/2022 07:12

If it's for pleasure, not work, I'd definitely take @Totalwasteofpaper's approach and just be quietly amused from the sidelines that it has brought out the mini-mogul in someone. Stay light-hearted about it if it doesn't really matter and allow the friendships to develop naturally once the task is over.

Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:14

@Pashazade Thanks for your response. I think you're right, i think its best to sweep it under the carpet. Im not afraid to call people out but i am conscious of the impact that might have on the group dynamics going forward and its not worth the aggro. Tbf, she literally completed the task single handedly, BUT, thats because she wouldn't hear others input or allow anyone to do anything without her approval. Very stressful! I think the dilemma is this is the learning group I'll be in going forward and we will meet intermittently. Im quite fond of the others and would hate to cause any unnecessary friction within the group!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:19

@HarlanPepper sadly i dont know her enough to say if she'd be able to see it from my point of view atall. I think its probably best for that reason to leave it alone. I dont think we will have another group task but i will have to meet with her within our learning group quite regularly over the next year or so

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:21

@gingerhills sadly it isnt for pleasure. Its a degree i am sitting to hopefully start my career. I think youre probably right though. A light hearted approach will at the very least help me not to remain upset about it! Thanks for your response

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:22

Grin apparently so! @Teethhelp

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 07:27

I don't think you should challenge her retrospectively but prepare your witty retort ready for the next time.

Berthatydfil · 19/02/2022 07:33

Did you get a high mark for it? If she did nearly all the work then more fool her surely? Obviously if the group did not do well then you have more of a problem.

girlmom21 · 19/02/2022 07:42

@Berthatydfil

Did you get a high mark for it? If she did nearly all the work then more fool her surely? Obviously if the group did not do well then you have more of a problem.
She didn't do nearly all the work - she just acted like she did.
Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:46

@Berthatydfil we don't know the mark yet. Dont get me wrong, some of our work recieved her approval and made the cut! So it would be group accountability either way. I feel pass or not though her behaviour was still bizarre 🤪

OP posts:
ByHook0rByCrook · 19/02/2022 07:47

I would avoid her after this, but suck it up for the grade.

If this is how she behaves doing group projects, she's going to really flounder in the workplace. 😬

gingerhills · 19/02/2022 07:50

Group projects are so tricky.

Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 07:53

@ByHook0rByCrook sadly, she is unavoidable as we are in a group together that weve been placed in by our tutor. I did consider swapping groups but i guess the sad reality is, this is what happens in group work and we wont always get on or dispay our best selves. Im just struggling with how to deal with it as historically i would have lost my temper there and then. Its something ive worked really hard on, i managed not to lose it but not quite sure what to do instead haha. I agree though, id pay to be a fly on the wall in her future workplace

OP posts:
runsmidgeOMG · 19/02/2022 07:58

@Mummummummy9419

Grin apparently so! *@Teethhelp*
Genuinely thought it might have been one of those threads where people "recount" recent events in the media on AIBU based on an episode of the apprentice (avid watcher..... I love it !)

That said OP I'm sorry this has happened to you. She was rude. If you felt that you could potentially build a friendship otherwise I'd have a kind word citing frustrations of projects etc and how she is coming across to others... if she's not aware she might take heed and (hopefully!) apologise.

If it continues I'd use the age old MN saying of "did you mean to be so rude?"

Best of luck with your group project ! :)

godmum56 · 19/02/2022 08:25

I think its important to keep in your head that these people are not your friends, they are your work colleagues and you cannot expect friendship or friend behaviour from them. Things to consider are the outcome you want (pass the course etc.) and how best to achieve those. If some genuine friendships develop that's a bonus but should not be allowed to get in the way of what you need to achieve.. I do think that in such groups, leadership should rotate from project to project. Its one of the things you are there to learn and practice, otherwise why do group work? Although full disclosure I hate to be led by people who are not good at it although being good at it means not shushing and excluding team members. and well done for not losing it on the group!

Yellownightmare · 19/02/2022 08:45

You always get someone like this in these group projects. I don't know why they do them as it can be incredibly difficult to deal with a difficult person who seems to want to derail the group all the time. If it was in the workplace, they are less likely to get away with this behaviour but study groups rely on a certain amount of goodwill.

If I was in this situation again, I'd let the past situation go, but be very assertive if the situation reoccurred. Nip it in the bud immediately. Tell her not to shush people and that everyone's ideas should be heard. Is there anyone else in the group that you think would support you? I had a similar person in a group years ago and it definitely affected our marks because they hijacked the task and wasted time making it all about them.

Often it's a power play and attention seeking. I've been other groups which are less task oriented and in those they'll complain about where their chair is situated, whether the lights are on or off, if the window is open etc. It's infuriating.

Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 09:19

This is a really good way of looking at it t o be fair. Although im not out to make a friend for life i never looked at it this way. I think the main struggle was we werent expecting an outright leader. A little guidance, yes. But it felt like a dictatorship at times!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummummummy9419 · 19/02/2022 09:26

@Yellownightmare the train was well and truely derailed 😂 all the group felt very similar to me but, again, reluctant to say anything as it was totally unexpected considering we are practically strangers.

Sorry youve had a similar experience, its not nice. Thank you for your advice, i totally agree with the power thing. Shebalso happens to criticise anythinggggggg that isnt related to her 😂

OP posts:
Fungirls · 19/02/2022 09:40

Leave it for now, but next time there is a team task if she “volunteers” to lead quickly say “I think we should alternate leader, X you be leader for this task as Y was leader last time.”

zingally · 19/02/2022 10:02

It was very rude, but it's up to you how much you want to pull her up on it.
Is she very young (so this might be one of her first experiences of "working with other adults), or more than old enough to know better.

Personally, if she did it to me, I'd let it go once, but if she did it another time, I'd say "Excuse me Susan, don't shh me, I wasn't finished speaking. As I was saying..."

Or if she did it to someone else in the group, I'd step in with a "It's quite rude to shh people, Susan. I'd like to hear what Michael has to say. Carry on please Michael!"