To not really know how to handle a disagreement with dh?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

We've been together forever, have kids, and are generally very happy. Once a year or so (actually I can't remember the last time), I'll get cross with something he has done and raise it in a calm manner.

He will then just shut down the potential for a discussion on it. Zip.

So today - rough and tumble with the kids (I was out of the room), and one of them ends up sobbing. Turns out they hurt themselves. As dh was playing with them, I turned and asked what had gone on - he wasn't sure. Crying child said when they told dh they'd hurt himself he laughed. Dh said nothing at this point.

I asked dc to go sort out their pjs etc, after checking they weren't hurt hurt and asked dh why he laughed at our crying child. He insists he didn't laugh. Yet he was there when the child said he did, and didn't say a word.

It seems so small; but who laughs at their child when they've hurt themselves to the point they cry?

So now the conversation didn't happen because dh refused to accept he did anything wrong, he had to nip out, and now I'm cross because we haven't actually discussed this issue.

So now I don't even want to be around him because I want to discuss this, he doesn't, I'm mad, and he isn't willing to concede that actually he should have checked dc was OK, maybe apologise if he didn't realise they were hurt while all playing together etc.

If one of the kids hurt him accidentally while playing he would be cross and wouldn't be happy if they laughed at him.

If the kids play together and someone gets accidentally hurt I end the game, make them all say sorry as needed and find something else to do.

Rah! How can I be 20 years into a relationship and struggle to know how to either 1) get over it or 2) go back and insist this is talked about.

You are upset because you are in a relationship with a very controlling man.

Your gut is telling something is VERY wrong.

Sounds to me as if you ignore a lot of whzt goes on because you know you can't address it.

I can't imagine a good man laughing at his his hurt crying child.

No wonder you cannot look at him.

You need to start being honest about your marriage and your husband.

It is not healthy to never be able to discuss anything because he refuses to.

Yours is a really dysfunctional relationship.

I bet this isn't tge only area you are in denial about.

20 years is a long time to be in denial.

Apologies if the above is harsh, but it does sound as if you need to be more honest with yourself as to the tupe of man your husband is his behaviour and your marriage.

Erm well that escalated!

I don't think he is a controlling man, we have different views on lots of things. We rub along very nicely in fact.

We don't have this issue enough for me to really know how to resolve it.

So kids and DH messing about, kid hurts themselves, but everyone was just messing and it was a funny fall and dad laughs initially, but kid is mad cos they’ve just hurt themselves and strops at dads initial laugh because they’re hurt/embarrassed. Easy example of how it could have gone. Wife, who then saw nothing, makes an issue out of it accusing dad of laughing at child in a nasty way. Doesn’t sound like a big deal unless there’s a huge drip feed about his behaviour towards the kids generally.

But I can see why your annoyed he won’t discuss things though, it’s just not a good way to deal with things. What will happen if you push him on it?

@billy1966’s response is bonkers based on what your said OP, think they may be projecting a little!

@billy1966

You are upset because you are in a relationship with a very controlling man.

Your gut is telling something is VERY wrong.

Sounds to me as if you ignore a lot of whzt goes on because you know you can't address it.

I can't imagine a good man laughing at his his hurt crying child.

No wonder you cannot look at him.

You need to start being honest about your marriage and your husband.

It is not healthy to never be able to discuss anything because he refuses to.

Yours is a really dysfunctional relationship.

I bet this isn't tge only area you are in denial about.

20 years is a long time to be in denial.

Apologies if the above is harsh, but it does sound as if you need to be more honest with yourself as to the tupe of man your husband is his behaviour and your marriage.

Well, that escalated quickly.

Kid hurt. Kid cries. Actually sobbing and holding their hand in pain. Dh who was with them does nothing about it (no checking/comforting, and according to the child laughs). Child comes to me sobbing, I go back to the room with them for everyone to tell me what went on.

Kid says they got hurt and are upset they are in pain and that when they got upset dh laughed at them.

After Kid leaves room I ask dh why he would laugh at our hurt/upset child - 'I didnt'

But he was there when the child said they did and didn't refute it.

billy1966 that seems to be very extreme. Aren't you jumping the gun completely, or just vomiting the usual MN tropes?

The OP has said she is 20 years in a relationship with a man who refuses to discuss any issue of conflict.

He simply "zips it".

If that constitutes a healthy relationship to you all, fair enough.🤷‍♀️

Good luck OP

Surely just go back and talk to him. Tell him you want to talk about it. Keep brining it up until he does talk about it.

FWIW, my DH has a bit of an instinctive reaction to laugh at inappropriate times. I tell him not to laugh and he will tell me that he is not laughing even whilst clearly laughing. Its like a nervous chuckle or something. I've actually had to video him doing it to prove to him he does it.

But you're not going to know if it's that with your DH if he won't talk about it.

So now the conversation didn't happen because dh refused to accept he did anything wrong, he had to nip out, and now I'm cross because we haven't actually discussed this issue.

Why did he have to nip out or did he not want to face up that he is in the wrong and trying to stop you from addressing that.

Can you not just write off some things as 'he's not very good at that'?

If it's once a year he's reacting wrongly/handling something badly, that's probably ok, isn't it?

@billy1966 there is a world of difference between a healthy relationship and what you described, with the very dramatic way you wrote it!

One mild argument a year in a happy 20 year marriage, and being unsure how to properly resolve it doesn’t sound VERY wrong to me.

He had a prior arrangement.

He is back now, so I've just said to him "we need to have a further discussion about this as I feel quite cross and we need to clear this up"

His response - "well, I just felt like you came in and attacked me"

All I said was "that was a bit of a shitty reaction to her being upset". Calm voice. Very quiet too as the kids were next door.

So now I'm attacking? I know for certain I was not. I explained this and he just silently nodded, as if to say "sure, whatever you say".

I'm even more cross.

Why don't you leave this alone and talk about it tomorrow when the heat has gone out of the situation?
It does sound like you are overreacting slightly- we're you going to tell him off? If you continue pushing it then chances are he will dig his heels in and there is even less chance he sorts things out with your child.

No my intention wasn't to tell him off, I'm not his mother, but maybe for him to see that actually, he wouldn't accept the kids laughing at him if he got hurt so why should they accept it from him?

You checked the child wasn't "hurt hurt" maybe your oh didn't think it was too serious and laughed because he doesn't know how to cope with the situation ?( some men are so emotionally constipated they don't know to do anything but laugh). I wouldn't be so quick to bring play to an end as you though. As they grow up they need to learn physical as well as mental resilience. This means if playing , say, rugby or hockey they need to pick themselves up and carry on after a minor bump or an overambitious tackle

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Erm well that escalated!

I don't think he is a controlling man, we have different views on lots of things. We rub along very nicely in fact.

We don't have this issue enough for me to really know how to resolve it.

Hold firm.OP. you will be in a refuge tomorrow if the LTB crew come along in droves! Seriously tho. He needs to just learn to discuss- how do you think he can do that?

Just say to him how you felt when you heard what you had. Both the lack of denial and the lack of checking on his child.

You can’t make him say anything or engage but you can at least say how you feel about it.

How old is your DD ?

I used to let things go but I don't anymore. Sometimes dh doesn't want to talk about something at all or more than once but I won't be able to settle until I feel I have resolved or processed it. I just keep on, calmly, until it is dealt with and I know he understands. Sometimes we do have to agree to disagree or that he accepts I'm upset even if he doesn't really get why.

You accused your DH of laughing at your child being in pain (and maybe being the cause) even after he said he didn’t and wasn’t sure how child got hurt.

And you accused him of having a shitty attitude.

If you were your DH wouldn’t you feel a little attacked.

If DH told me I 'had a shitty reaction' to my D.C. I'd go for a long walk. Did you say that in front of your kids?

If I'd been in that situation I'd have said something like 'next time, check she's actually ok' or made a joke about ignoring him when he falls off a ladder or something silly like that. I wouldn't accuse him of having a shitty reaction. I'd assumed he'd misjudged it.

@onlyk

You accused your DH of laughing at your child being in pain (and maybe being the cause) even after he said he didn’t and wasn’t sure how child got hurt.

And you accused him of having a shitty attitude.

If you were your DH wouldn’t you feel a little attacked.

I didn't accuse him of anything. Dd (10) recounted what happened to us both as we stood there. She told the story and he stood silent. For plenty long enough to speak up if anything said was untrue. Which I know for a fact he does do if something untrue is said. He stayed silent.

Dd left the room; I left the room. When I came back in a few minutes later I said "dh I think that was a bit of a shitty response to her hurting herself".

Only then, when she wasn't there, did he say she didn't do it.

next time, check she's actually ok

This to me sounds quite passive aggressive. Maybe it's the "actually".

Did you say that in front of your kids?

Of course not. I think I've clarified this in my posts. I would never bring something up in front of the kids of this nature.