To not really know how to handle a disagreement with dh?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

We've been together forever, have kids, and are generally very happy. Once a year or so (actually I can't remember the last time), I'll get cross with something he has done and raise it in a calm manner.

He will then just shut down the potential for a discussion on it. Zip.

So today - rough and tumble with the kids (I was out of the room), and one of them ends up sobbing. Turns out they hurt themselves. As dh was playing with them, I turned and asked what had gone on - he wasn't sure. Crying child said when they told dh they'd hurt himself he laughed. Dh said nothing at this point.

I asked dc to go sort out their pjs etc, after checking they weren't hurt hurt and asked dh why he laughed at our crying child. He insists he didn't laugh. Yet he was there when the child said he did, and didn't say a word.

It seems so small; but who laughs at their child when they've hurt themselves to the point they cry?

So now the conversation didn't happen because dh refused to accept he did anything wrong, he had to nip out, and now I'm cross because we haven't actually discussed this issue.

So now I don't even want to be around him because I want to discuss this, he doesn't, I'm mad, and he isn't willing to concede that actually he should have checked dc was OK, maybe apologise if he didn't realise they were hurt while all playing together etc.

If one of the kids hurt him accidentally while playing he would be cross and wouldn't be happy if they laughed at him.

If the kids play together and someone gets accidentally hurt I end the game, make them all say sorry as needed and find something else to do.

Rah! How can I be 20 years into a relationship and struggle to know how to either 1) get over it or 2) go back and insist this is talked about.

I don’t think there’s anything left to discuss. You’ve said what you think. He’s said what he thinks. People who want to ‘discuss’ things after that, just want the other person to give in.

There’s a difference between discussing something in order to come to a decision about the future, but criticism/defence doesn’t necessarily need to go any further than both hearing the other person’s point of view.

You sound hard work with your 'discussions'.

@billy1966

You are upset because you are in a relationship with a very controlling man.

Your gut is telling something is VERY wrong.

Sounds to me as if you ignore a lot of whzt goes on because you know you can't address it.

I can't imagine a good man laughing at his his hurt crying child.

No wonder you cannot look at him.

You need to start being honest about your marriage and your husband.

It is not healthy to never be able to discuss anything because he refuses to.

Yours is a really dysfunctional relationship.

I bet this isn't tge only area you are in denial about.

20 years is a long time to be in denial.

Apologies if the above is harsh, but it does sound as if you need to be more honest with yourself as to the tupe of man your husband is his behaviour and your marriage.

You on the right thread?

@user1493494961

You sound hard work with your 'discussions'.

Given I can't remember the last time I ever spoke to dh about something I had concerns or an issue with in any aspect of our relationship, I'll take this comment on the chin.

If one of the kids hurt him accidentally while playing he would be cross and wouldn't be happy if they laughed at him.

Your husband didn't hurt your child though, did he? Didn't you say your child hurt himself?

I'm confused.

Is it possible Dad made light of a rough play bump, the standard oh dear you're fine, which your daughter had interpreted badly? Maybe she's more used to the full inquest approach from you and had expected that.

Yes dd hurt herself. During their rough play. Dh has yet to hurt himself during these activities but on the odd occasion has had a kids knee to the groin or similar accidentally. He gets cross. Failing to realise that if you rough and tumble with a small child they are more likely to get hurt and are also possibly less able to control where their limbs go.

Maybe she's more used to the full inquest approach from you and had expected that

Asking two people calmly "what happened" is an inquest?

Sounds like my partner. He cares for our children deeply but he's emotionally immature and often mimicks the way he way raised. So he teases the kids constantly.

It infuriates me as I wasn't raised in a household with banter and teasing.

It's very hard for me to reconcile. But I do because I know he doesn't mean harm and loves them to pieces and otherwise we have no issues.

OP - you need to talk to him. I'd probably say something like "look, I believe XXX that you laughed. You may have been laughing with him but he didnt take it that way. If it was the other way round I'd expect them to apologise. I think you need to apologise, model how we want them to behave".

Hmm this is playing out in a very interesting way. As is often the case on here the first couple of posters set the tone and others follow suit. The first reply maybe did go a bit OTT, but the rest a dismissing a genuine concern you have and that's not ok either.

I have to say on reading your first post some alarm bells rang. It isn't ok if he laughed at her. I'm not saying he was deliberately cruel in laughing - maybe he just mis-judged it in the moment. However it isn't ok if he couldn't back down from that bad apologise to your DD when he realised it had gone too far. Your DD is a10 - so I'm guessing she's not like a toddler crying at everything?

But the main alarm bell for me is that you don't know how to resolve the situation. That isn't good, and that's really why you've posted.

I just wasn't sure if it's because we never really have disagreements. But his response to me talking to him tonight has reinforced that actually maybe he isn't open to talking about these things and immediately flings a wall up.

@Cakelover17

So kids and DH messing about, kid hurts themselves, but everyone was just messing and it was a funny fall and dad laughs initially, but kid is mad cos they’ve just hurt themselves and strops at dads initial laugh because they’re hurt/embarrassed. Easy example of how it could have gone. Wife, who then saw nothing, makes an issue out of it accusing dad of laughing at child in a nasty way. Doesn’t sound like a big deal unless there’s a huge drip feed about his behaviour towards the kids generally.

But I can see why your annoyed he won’t discuss things though, it’s just not a good way to deal with things. What will happen if you push him on it?

This

Agreed. Also the fact your daughter stood there’s and “told on” her dad to you speaks volumes about your reaction/what she expected your reaction to be.

She answered my "what happened?" question. Part of what happened, according to her, is he laughed at her when she hurt herself.

If something happens is your DH the type of person where there needs to be someone at fault or someone to blame?
My DH can be like that-definitely a product of his upbringing- but it means when something happens that is "his fault" even if an accident he struggles to admit it.

If the kids play together and someone gets accidentally hurt I end the game, make them all say sorry as needed and find something else to do

Whilst I know the main point of this thread is the lack of communication and it seems like a long term thing, I genuinely don't think that's a great approach. Could part of this issue be that you and your DH are at very opposite ends of an opinion and he doesn't see what good will come of the discussion if he doesn't see either party conceding ground? I wouldn't laugh at a hurt child but I think there's a sensible middle ground of asking kids to be more careful/giving a warning than laughter vs shutting every thing down at once.

Does he gaslight in other situations op?

My exH behaves like this. It's as if, because they're children, that somehow their views/opinions/perspective carry less weight?

My exH has often said 'I didn't say that' or 'that never happened' when she's complained about something he's done even though it's been corroborated by other witnesses.

He has the 'children owe their parents blind respect at all times' mentality and he really fucks with their heads in matters like these. He would've behaved in exactly the same way as your dh but he's y exH and we didn't/don't have the same relationship you did.

So is there a wider issue with this relating to the dc? Is there anything else that provides context?

Fwiw I think he just sounds v defensive and hates having 'faults' pointed out which causes him to close down and go into denial.

It's not healthy, whatever way you slice it!

Does he do this

Hi OP I would shut this thread down and name change! I have never seen so many bonkers responses! It's like MN bingo - LTB, Red flags, controlling. I sadly don't think you are getting much sensible advice from this at all. The bad weather must be keeping everyone inside where they are developing cabin fever and taking it out on others across the Internet. My advice would be it would be good if your DH could apologise to the child in question and in future take it more seriously - stop playing and check they are OK if they start crying.

@Ukholidaysaregreat

Hi OP I would shut this thread down and name change! I have never seen so many bonkers responses! It's like MN bingo - LTB, Red flags, controlling. I sadly don't think you are getting much sensible advice from this at all. The bad weather must be keeping everyone inside where they are developing cabin fever and taking it out on others across the Internet. My advice would be it would be good if your DH could apologise to the child in question and in future take it more seriously - stop playing and check they are OK if they start crying.

It's hilarious isn't it!

Dh and I ended up generally chatting last night about things. He said he knows he is terrible at receiving criticism and always has been - and he sees that trait in our little boy too (I also did, but figured a grown man would know better!).

He apologised for not speaking up at the time DD was explaining what happened - he recognises that he should have said there and then that her recollection was wrong and asked her to be truthful.

I apologised for using the "shitty" comment and said that while I'm not going to stop bringing up things that bother me, I will absoloutley be mindful of the way I word them. He also said he will bear in mind his tenancy to assume someone is criticising him, and instead use the comments as just a difference of opinion/chance for him to think about what he did wrong etc.

I'm glad you've managed to have a chat with him. Defensiveness is really hard work in relationships and it h gets no the way of healthy discussion.

Looking for advice on a relationship issue in AIBU is not a good idea.

I’m glad you’ve resolved the issue.

I’m somewhat that you’ve only been able to resolve the issue because you’ve both agreed your DD lied and seemingly said her Dad laughed at her when she hurt herself.

Very, very odd.

But if you’re OK with that, all good.

No - I'm very much of the opinion that as a mother I will believe what my child tells me. But if separately feels like she lied, then it's up to him to talk to her about it. He knows I think it was a shitty reaction.

But if he

That should say

OK phew. But then the issue isn’t exactly resolved, is it?

If you believe your child, as you should, then you’re saying he’s lying.

And you can’t talk about it now, because he’s shut it down. Which he would, of course, if he’s lied about what happened.

OP,

I wish you the very best.
If somehow, the resolution to a 20 year issue of him shutting down any difficult conversations, has been helped by your chat last night.. well, good for you.

That the resolution has been found via the agreement that your daughter lied to you about your husband, .... is ....unfortunate.

However, I think this thread with its variety of views, has hopefully given you pause for thought going forward.

Look out for your 10 year old.
It's a formative age.

I have two daughters in mid-late teens, and I would not recognise your husbands behaviour to your daughter as positive, but I appreciate that not every parent is the same.
I would be predisposed to believing my children historically, because they have never given me reason not to.

Your daughter must have lied to you previously, for you not to believe her in this instance, and to accept your husbands explanation as to why he didn't challenge what she said yesterday in front of you?

Anyway, you are are happy to accept his version of what occurred that your daughter lied to you?

Lying is really not a good dynamic in a parent/child relationship, so be alert to it.

Likewise not being believed, by a parent.

Either way I wish you the best.