Was he love bombing or have I got issues?

[Happinessxox]

Hello

I am currently seeing someone and I don't know what to think.

We were only together for 2 months and thinking back, he claimed he was in love with me after our first date, asked me to marry him and he was so keen for me to meet his two kids and have a sleepover. I thought he was lovely and told him i loved him also after a week and started accepting the "marriage proposals". I did put my foot down at meeting his kids right away, I didnt think that was right and their mum should have been aware of that (they are divorced).

Anyway, after 4 weeks I agree to a sleepover with the kids. It was lovely. I know it was wrong too. Then he stared asking me to move in and that he was thinking of looking at better jobs so we could buy a bigger house. I know these are red flags :( but I got caught up in it all and started imagining a life with this guy. I should note he has really bad mental health.

Anyway, we had an argument (i started it) and he claimed that my argument had pushed him into a bad state. So he asked for a week of space so he could work on himself. I agreed. I found it hard as all of the lovey texts stopped. I went over to his house and we spoke. Then he messaged me a few days later saying he needed more space because I didnt respect boundaries. I asked how long and he said 1 month. I was really taken back as we have only been together 2 months. He said if I didnt agree he would have to end things. So I agreed but kept contacting him. We then had a pregnancy scare which he told me he wanted to forget all other issues, they were all trivially now and he can't wait to meet up when we get good news (that im not pregnant). Turns out I wasn't and I excitedly asked him when we would meet, he then said he didn't know. He said he needed time to get better (because of his mental health) and think about us because his therapist said he isn't in a good place for a relationship. He said because of this he is having 2nd thoughts but wants to take this month to think and not make any rash decisions.

I told him I felt done and that I wanted to walk away, he asked if I wanted to end things or "is it because you can't wait". I said i could but there is no middleground. He then said that maybe we should end things. I said I thought it would be best but maybe we would feel differently after space. He said yes and that we should catch up in 1 month. I asked if we were finished or if we were taking this time to think. He ignored me. I then messaged him again and asked him to clarify. He said he didn't know and that he needed time and space to know that. He then asked me "do you want to end things now so you can move on". I said no, i wanted to clarify the situation. I then asked if we would take 1 month to think about things and he said yes.

But I'm thinking.. is he genuinely ill? Is he stringing me along, is this his mental health, was he love bombing at the begining. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel that I pester him now. I need some hard truth ladies, give it to me hard. I know this shout red flags.. I don't recognise this version of myself. Its only been two months. What am I even doing?!

@Happinessxox

Hello

I am currently seeing someone and I don't know what to think.

We were only together for 2 months and thinking back, he claimed he was in love with me after our first date, asked me to marry him and he was so keen for me to meet his two kids and have a sleepover. I thought he was lovely and told him i loved him also after a week and started accepting the "marriage proposals". I did put my foot down at meeting his kids right away, I didnt think that was right and their mum should have been aware of that (they are divorced).

Anyway, after 4 weeks I agree to a sleepover with the kids. It was lovely. I know it was wrong too. Then he stared asking me to move in and that he was thinking of looking at better jobs so we could buy a bigger house. I know these are red flags :( but I got caught up in it all and started imagining a life with this guy. I should note he has really bad mental health.

Anyway, we had an argument (i started it) and he claimed that my argument had pushed him into a bad state. So he asked for a week of space so he could work on himself. I agreed. I found it hard as all of the lovey texts stopped. I went over to his house and we spoke. Then he messaged me a few days later saying he needed more space because I didnt respect boundaries. I asked how long and he said 1 month. I was really taken back as we have only been together 2 months. He said if I didnt agree he would have to end things. So I agreed but kept contacting him. We then had a pregnancy scare which he told me he wanted to forget all other issues, they were all trivially now and he can't wait to meet up when we get good news (that im not pregnant). Turns out I wasn't and I excitedly asked him when we would meet, he then said he didn't know. He said he needed time to get better (because of his mental health) and think about us because his therapist said he isn't in a good place for a relationship. He said because of this he is having 2nd thoughts but wants to take this month to think and not make any rash decisions.

I told him I felt done and that I wanted to walk away, he asked if I wanted to end things or "is it because you can't wait". I said i could but there is no middleground. He then said that maybe we should end things. I said I thought it would be best but maybe we would feel differently after space. He said yes and that we should catch up in 1 month. I asked if we were finished or if we were taking this time to think. He ignored me. I then messaged him again and asked him to clarify. He said he didn't know and that he needed time and space to know that. He then asked me "do you want to end things now so you can move on". I said no, i wanted to clarify the situation. I then asked if we would take 1 month to think about things and he said yes.

But I'm thinking.. is he genuinely ill? Is he stringing me along, is this his mental health, was he love bombing at the begining. I feel so weak and stupid. I feel that I pester him now. I need some hard truth ladies, give it to me hard. I know this shout red flags.. I don't recognise this version of myself. Its only been two months. What am I even doing?!

You're coming across as really desperate to keep the relationship going. He's obviously not For your own sake I'd definitely end things permanently, he's not that into you

He sounds way too much like hard work. I think the initial love bombing is because he’s desperate to be loved and in a serious relationship, however after a while the rational part of his brain kicks in and he panics and needs space. If he’s ever going to have a meaningful relationship he needs to stop, take a breath and do a bit of work on his own mental health. I agree with PPs that this does sound like he could have BPD. Blaming you for his mental health being bad is very unreasonable though.

It’s not you, it’s him OP. Don’t waste any more time and effort here.

@Happinessxox

Why all this space, asking if I want to move on, if I can't wait, why doesn't he just end it? Especially after what his councillor said

I need some hard truth ladies, give it to me hard.

Righto.
OP you are asking ALL the wrong questions.

Who gives a fuck why he acts batshit? You need to forget about him, his batshittery, his lovebombing, his 'space' & his mental health ... & start thinking about YOU.

Here are a couple of starter questions:
What happened to make you put all your focus onto this inadequate man, & lose your sense of self in the process?
Do you have any history of abusive relationships?
What was your early family life like? Were your needs met, were you encouraged to express yourself & be heard, were you validated & unconditionally loved?

When you've had a think about that, if you put half the energy you squander on pointless ruminations about Mr Worthless into some top-notch therapy, you can protect yourself from ever falling for this bullshit again.

PS your man is a future-faking, manipulative liar who likes pulling you in & pushing you back out. That is all you need to know. The "why does he do it" angst serves no purpose but to hold you back.

Get yourself some help. You deserve better than pandering to idiots - & "better" in this instance includes being single while you sort your self-esteem issues out via therapy.
You need to get back to the person you recognise again.

Be kind to yourself tonight. Indulge yourself in treats & comfort.

@Happinessxox

He also got in touch with his ex who wants to meet up and talk. I asked if we could work through our stuff first before doing that and he said I was dictating his life and controlling him!!

Oh FFS it's all about him & he is triangulating you already. Even if this crap about meeting his ex is true, there was no need to tell you. He said he wanted space, but makes time to inform you about Other Women? Jeeze he is so transparent it's ridiculous.

& PP upthread who said he is boundary-testing you with his 'space' nonsense is bang on the money.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

My god op ! Ffs run in the other direction as fast as you can and block him asap

He’s fucking with you OP. He’s messing you about to see how much you’ll tolerate.

Yep, get the hell out of there. You're better off single, unless you're a drama llama?

@Shuffleuplove

He’s fucking crackers.

This.

Block him and move on.

Christ on a bike. You are so tangled in his mental spaghetti you don't know if you're coming or going.
No happy future can come from this.
Run and don't look back and when you've got your perspective back you'll thank yourself for being so wise.
Absolutely nothing you've described is the interactions of a person capable of healthy relationships or being a supportive partner.
This man should stay single until he is able to be that probably never

@Shuffleuplove

He’s fucking crackers.

Precisely!

An alien landing on earth and reading Mumsnet could be forgiven for believing that all men are fucking useless babies.

Oh god it's too much. I've always thought that at least the first year with someone should be amazing; getting to know someone without all this shit.

A pregnancy scare, bad mental health, an ex, up and down in two months!

You’re letting him control the situation, and dictate what’s going on. Ie. Relationship on, off, then on again. Take the bull by the horns and end it once for all. This relationship is going nowhere.

He was definantly lovebombing you at the beginning. He got you onside, then started controlling the relationship.

Honestly your first paragraph made me feel a bit ill. The amount of red flags is insane.

If someone says they love you after one date you know they’re lying.
It’s worrying why you would want a second date after this.
Are you vulnerable from past experiences?

Please get away from this relationship OP.
He has love bombed you and is now playing a game by pulling back and wanting you to chase him.
This will turn abusive very quickly.

I can guarantee you’re not the only one he’s doing this to.
Text him now and say it’s over and please do not contact you again and then completely ignore him.

@PleasantBirthday

You need to end it. Now. Nobody needs this nonsense. Take the decision yourself, out of the hands of this loonbag.

Nice way to call some one with mental health issues. I agree with him, you don't know about boundries. He asked for space and your not giving it to him. Maybe he is scared of upsetting you.

I agree with him, you don't know about boundries.

Did you read the bit about saying he’s in love after the first date?
He’s a liar.

Hello everyone

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your words, advice and wisdom - I have really appreciated it.
Well, we had a spell of contact at the weekend. He texted me back about something, and I didnt respond because no response was required and he also told me he was busy with covid/children etc. so I let him be and got on with my day. Later that evening he texted saying "maybe we should end things" - I was confused and asked why, he then said because I hadn’t responded and that it has taken me hours to text back (the cheeky when he sometimes doesn’t respond at all and blames his MH). He then proceeded to tell me how miserable he was, how much he wanted to end his life etc. I ended up texting him for hours about this - just back and forth messages about him wanting to die. My heart went out to him but I was working on something really important and told him numerous of times that we should catch up in a few weeks. He clearly didn’t like this and started getting nasty and said that he might be dead in a few weeks. At that point I said I was taking the space, that he keeps suggesting, to think about things and then he blocked me. I then sent him a text (I used my work phone) to give him some home truths and said that I was fed up with his games, control and manipulation and then I blocked his number on both my work and personal phone and then deleted his number. It has only been 24 hours but I feel much happier, colleagues at work have even commented how I seem myself (in only 24 hours!!!!). I dont know what crazy spell came over me in the past two months and why I allowed this behaviour for so long. I deserve so much better, and I will definitely be taking some time out to reflect on why I ignored so many red flags as it seriously isn’t like me, I can usually spot a red flag a mile off. I think we got in touch when I wasn’t very happy in my job and I felt a bit bored with life. He was lovely at first (Lovebomber!!) and I suppose it acted as a distraction which is why I allowed myself to get caught up in all the silly fantasies. I don’t know if he is a terrible person or if his MH is really bad right now…… but I don’t actually care. I am well and truly done with this situation.
But, I do wish to do something very petty first.... I bought him a massage voucher a few weeks ago as he was saying he was achy / in pain because of his anxiety and depression. I thought it would be nice to buy him a gift voucher for a full body massage. Once purchased I had this emailed to myself (instead of him directly) and then I sent it to him. I checked this morning and it hasnt been redeemed. I am going to book this for MYSELF next weekend and enjoy it thoroughly. Not that I have any aches but I have removed a massive pain in my life and that calls for celebration!!!

Thanks again everyone, your words really helped me get off the looney bus!!

Move on there are so many red flags

Don’t waste your time analysing his behaviour

He is moving on don’t be convenient for him when he may decided he may want you back

Enjoy the massage

And keep him blocked !!! For good

@Happinessxox

Hello everyone

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your words, advice and wisdom - I have really appreciated it.
Well, we had a spell of contact at the weekend. He texted me back about something, and I didnt respond because no response was required and he also told me he was busy with covid/children etc. so I let him be and got on with my day. Later that evening he texted saying "maybe we should end things" - I was confused and asked why, he then said because I hadn’t responded and that it has taken me hours to text back (the cheeky when he sometimes doesn’t respond at all and blames his MH). He then proceeded to tell me how miserable he was, how much he wanted to end his life etc. I ended up texting him for hours about this - just back and forth messages about him wanting to die. My heart went out to him but I was working on something really important and told him numerous of times that we should catch up in a few weeks. He clearly didn’t like this and started getting nasty and said that he might be dead in a few weeks. At that point I said I was taking the space, that he keeps suggesting, to think about things and then he blocked me. I then sent him a text (I used my work phone) to give him some home truths and said that I was fed up with his games, control and manipulation and then I blocked his number on both my work and personal phone and then deleted his number. It has only been 24 hours but I feel much happier, colleagues at work have even commented how I seem myself (in only 24 hours!!!!). I dont know what crazy spell came over me in the past two months and why I allowed this behaviour for so long. I deserve so much better, and I will definitely be taking some time out to reflect on why I ignored so many red flags as it seriously isn’t like me, I can usually spot a red flag a mile off. I think we got in touch when I wasn’t very happy in my job and I felt a bit bored with life. He was lovely at first (Lovebomber!!) and I suppose it acted as a distraction which is why I allowed myself to get caught up in all the silly fantasies. I don’t know if he is a terrible person or if his MH is really bad right now…… but I don’t actually care. I am well and truly done with this situation.
But, I do wish to do something very petty first.... I bought him a massage voucher a few weeks ago as he was saying he was achy / in pain because of his anxiety and depression. I thought it would be nice to buy him a gift voucher for a full body massage. Once purchased I had this emailed to myself (instead of him directly) and then I sent it to him. I checked this morning and it hasnt been redeemed. I am going to book this for MYSELF next weekend and enjoy it thoroughly. Not that I have any aches but I have removed a massive pain in my life and that calls for celebration!!!

Thanks again everyone, your words really helped me get off the looney bus!!

I think using the massage is impulsive and irresponsible. The guys behaviour is irratic why would you provoke him? Is it really worth it? Delete, block and move on. Don't poke the bear and expect not to get a reaction.