Working to support your DC

[Mybestyear]

Partly on the back of @trippinglyonthetongue 's post about DC funding themselves at Uni after getting a substantial inheritance, I am seeking views from the vipers' nest about working to support DC in other ways.

Before I go on, I am aware that I am in a very fortunate position to be even worrying about this - 2 decent salaries, naice house, holidays etc. By no means 'wealthy' but I would describe us as comfortable.

My job is on paper "a good job". There are a lot of positives - good colleagues in the main, flexibility, hybrid working, good salary (55k), 5 weeks holiday, not particularly stressful and good work/life balance. BUT......I hate it and it completely sucks the life out of me.

If you go on the alcohol support threads you will know I have a problem with abusing alcohol. I am currently dry but it has been a huge struggle and I have upset family and friends many times over the past couple of years through my drinking. My job did not cause the alcohol abuse (childhood trauma survivor) but it exacerbated it to the point that I could not sleep at all without a significant amount of alcohol in me. I am only saying this to give you a bit of context around my dilemma.

So. Our mortgage will be paid off in about 1.5 years. At that point, I could afford to go part time/change to a lower paid job, if it were just DH and I to consider. DS is 24, still at home, in employment (25K) and hoping to buy a flat in the not too distant future. DD still at home, nearly half way through her degree and will need about 10k after her degree to do a post-degree diploma which is necessary for her to work in her chosen field (law).

My job impacts me very negatively, although as I said, there are positives and I know I would be so much happier even if I could go part time. I would give it up in a heartbeat if I won the lottery.

But I feel I owe it to my DC to continue in the job full time to help them financially because of the pain I have caused them through my drinking.

So: would I be unreasonable to go part time next year, knowing I will not be able to help them financially?

YABU: you owe it to your DC to help them financially since you've let them down in other ways.
YANBU: your DC are adults and it is up to them to make sacrifices for the things they want.

Perhaps you could split the difference and work for another few years and save to help your children? It just depends on how you think you will feel. Guilty? Ashamed? What does your DH think?

@SalsaLove - DH thinks I should keep working. He is obsessed with paying the mortgage off early which is partly why I have stayed in the job so long - we are overpaying significantly every month and it will be paid off 10 years early. Which is great but if it were not for that, I could have changed jobs around 5 years ago when I started becoming really unhappy with it. He just keeps saying "just another 4 years" (I can retire then) but I honestly don't know if I can do it for another 4!

I don't see an issue with expecting dc2 to get a load to fund her additional diploma, so don't stay in a job for that purpose alone.

Have you done some budget workings to see how you could cut back to enable a drop of say 2 days - maintaining the mortgage repayments etc.

Do you have savings?

Well done for making such huge progress.

I know I'll probably get shouted down but the one thing I have always wanted my children to know is that they are the most important people in my life and nothing or no one comes before them. I had an emotionally and psychologically abusive upbringing which is no doubt why I feel so very strongly about it.

Personally I'd continue to work until they were able to support themselves but in your position, not if you're going to risk relapse. Stay strong on your recovery and everything else is likely to become easier.

Congratulations and well done again.

This is so tough because the financial support you can offer your children will really help them on their way. HOWEVER, you are a recovering alcoholic so have been pushed to the brink already. You count too, your recovery counts.
If you drop to three days can you not help them at all?

If you're only doing it for your children, and they're adults, talk to them about it and get some feedback. Make it clear that you are not guilting them about it.

In this day and age it is normal for adult children to not rely on their parents' handouts to be able to live their lives, so don't feel that you're taking something away from them that they otherwise would be doing for themselves anyway. As you say if you were to leave, you will still be working and earning, just not as much as you are currently.
What price is your happiness worth?

Is it really just your job making you unhappy?

Have you really explored what you feel you 'owe' your children and whether this can only be repaid financially?

Well done for your recovery journey

What about looking around at something else, maybe part time / flexible you might like better?

What age are you ?

I kind of understand where you're coming from, but also there doesn't appear to be any obvious stressors from your job, so I'm not sure a lower paid role would help. What's your pension like ?

Ultimately right now your health and well-being is most important. Your well-being is more important than paying off the mortgage early or getting your kids on the property ladder. If you continue to work and it pushes you to relapse it’s not worth it.

Thanks for these great replies - you are very kind and wise!
@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - I am (in my head anyway) committed to staying in the same job/full time for another 1.5 years to pay the mortgage off. That is doable. I am saving and putting away every week all the money I would have spent on alcohol (a lot!), any extra I make from work and anything left over at the end of the month. That will help.
@Mo1911 - thank you for your good wishes. Ironically I had a really abusive childhood, including alcoholic parents and I swore (on the bible no less!) that my DC would not be affected by alcohol but here I am. I think that adds to my guilt.
@DSGR - 3 days would be great - I think I could mentally cope with that. We should still be able to help them, just not as much as they probably "need" for house deposit / diploma.
@De88 - DH and I had a really rocky patch about 5 years ago - a lot of built up resentment on my part but we are really sound now. He has been amazing through my drinking and truth be told, I'd have probably left him if he had done what I have. Your point about what I feel I owe them is so insightful - I am going to really give that some serious thought - thank you!
@Orangesandlemons77 - yes, part time would be great if my employer agreed.

If you swap to 0.5fte (£27.5k) your take home will be £1800 pcm vs £3300 pcm now. So if you are paying more than £1500 in mortgage costs including overpayments then your household income left after bills won't change...

What does your money actually go on? Because if you and DH are both working and you're on £55k (with him on even £17.5k at minimum wage) then saving £10,000 surely won't be that hard without a mortgage or rent to pay?

I'm sorry but it all just sounds a bit dramatic to pitch it as all or nothing.

Yanbu. You don’t owe your adult dc your health and well-being and I doubt they’d expect you to run yourself into the ground out of a sense of obligation to them. They are both adults and they’ve come this far in life so you can’t have done too badly by them. It’s easy for others to say just a few more years but at what cost to your health?

Similar position here OP except in my case burnout / depression. I could retire this year but keeping going only to give my children an early “inheritance”. I find not thinking ahead too much helps a bit. Just take each day at a time. Also having a spreadsheet that shows how much extra I save for them every month helps. However, the difference is my husband is supportive in that I can retire at any time it gets too much. That’s a huge help. As long as you can fund your share of the household expenses, he doesn’t get to dictate your place of work / working hours. He should show more understanding of your previous struggles and surely put your health above money for presumably healthy adult children. I also second speaking to your children. I’ve explained the situation to them and they also support an earlier retirement if I can’t continue.

My DH and I retired the month after our youngest finished university. We were 52 and 55 and decided it was time to put ourselves first.

@rookiemere - 57. I've moved jobs a lot (including overseas) between starting my career and now which means I have 4 pension pots, 2 of which are losing money as the fees are more than what is coming in (tbf, these are smaller pots from short term contracts). I've got one (NHS) that I can get when I am 60 but my current employer one requires me to work until I am 67 - there is no way I could do that in this job, mentally or physically. You are right in that I don't have any major stressors other than what I have mentioned already. The main issue with my job is that it is soooo unrewarding. A lower paid job would take me back to the type of work I loved (in health care) but I had to give up when I had the DC.
@LibrariesGiveUsPower - thank you. Unfortunately we tied into the early repayment scheme so to come out now would cost us in fees more than it will cost us to actually pay it off. We tied in before I was so unhappy at work.

@LibrariesGiveUsPower

Ultimately right now your health and well-being is most important. Your well-being is more important than paying off the mortgage early or getting your kids on the property ladder. If you continue to work and it pushes you to relapse it’s not worth it.

I agree with this. I think you being emotionally and mentally healthy going forward is more important for your family than the extra £.

@BottlingBurpsForGrandma - thank you - these figures make sense. Until the pandemic, most of our money went on holidays/travelling (including giving DC money to travel as we really value it). We also helped DC get cars so they could get to their part time jobs . We tend to eat very well and have a fair amount of take aways. We also support DH's brother a little financially or else he would be homeless. The house has had a fair bit of work done on it too. But now that is done, we could certainly save more.

Maybe I am being a bit dramatic - I do have a tendency to over think things and worry about everything. I will do some further research into the take home pays for dropping salary/hours.

[quote Mybestyear]@SalsaLove - DH thinks I should keep working. He is obsessed with paying the mortgage off early which is partly why I have stayed in the job so long - we are overpaying significantly every month and it will be paid off 10 years early. Which is great but if it were not for that, I could have changed jobs around 5 years ago when I started becoming really unhappy with it. He just keeps saying "just another 4 years" (I can retire then) but I honestly don't know if I can do it for another 4![/quote]
Then I think your mental health has to be your priority. Your children are young adults and can follow the footsteps of many others who have paid for their own university funding. Best wishes OP! Please be kind to yourself.

@Mybestyear ok I get it then based on your age. I'd definitely cut back your hours at least once the mortgage is paid off, and then once you can access some of your pension funds at 60, look at changing roles to something you enjoy more - if you genuinely feel that will improve things.

I think it's nice to be able to give your DC a good start in life, but for me once DS has finished uni ( we have specific savings for him going to uni) unless we come into some inheritance, we're not in the position financially to pay for house deposits or anything else, based on our current pension provisions.

I fully intend to retire at 60 (51 at the minute) when I get there I'll see if at that stage I want to continue working, or more likely if it's possible get a lower paid retail part time role for a bit.

Thanks for taking this in the spirit it's intended - I guess the equation for me would actually be whether holidays / two cars / takeaways were worth my mental health, not whether helping DC was worth it iykwim. Helping my DC would be the less negotiable cost. You do have a very healthy household income and with no mortgage or rent to pay it will remain healthy even if you go to 0.5fte.

YANBU, where do you draw the line. They are adults. What if your other child decides to do a post grad diploma, will you have to support them as well?
Although I was amazed at the response to the OP on the other thread so what do I know.

Thanks so much for all the responses - too many to name-tag now and I don't want to only answer to some and leave anyone out!!

I am really quite taken aback (in a good way) that the comments are so supportive. I expected to get lots of "you owe it to them/you are a bad mother/selfish" etc. Don't want to turn this into a therapy session but I have spent my whole life feeling guilty about just being me (despite my successes I've never 'liked' myself) and it is hard to let go. I have a real problem putting myself first. My DD gets so frustrated with me for buying the cheapest make-up, clothes etc and tells me to spend more on myself as I deserve it - but she is a complete spendaholic lol.

My head tells me I shouldn't give my DC too much and that they should be learning to be more resourceful money wise (we still pay for all their food, toiletries etc and don't take anything from DS for 'board and lodgings' although we make him save what we would have asked for) but my heart says 'it's the least you can do cos you've been a shit mother for ages'.

DH is working over the weekend and the DC will be busy, so I am going to spend some time really putting our incomes and outgoings down on paper, working out how much we would need for a decent life and what we can afford to save for the DC.

@traintraveller

YANBU, where do you draw the line. They are adults. What if your other child decides to do a post grad diploma, will you have to support them as well? Although I was amazed at the response to the OP on the other thread so what do I know.

Yeah I was quite amazed too - although I thought I was kinda contradicting myself as I agreed with her rather than her DH.

After you pay off mortgage, maybe you should pay as much as possible into a SIPP. This is extremely tax efficient and will give you further options in terms of early retirement / doing something different / less hours etc. Here is a handy calculator.

www.pru.co.uk/xpf_calculators/income-tax-and-tax-relief/

You need to sit down and work out what you, and your family, can afford. If you are currently overpaying your mortgage and also saving then there is flex in your income.

You are on 55K, so near or over the 40% tax threshold depending on pension contributions. Have a play on a gross to net income calculator to see what reducing your hours would do to take home pay, you may be surprised.

Can you drop one day a week but up your hours e.g. go from 5 days 37 hours to 4 days 32 hours? Have a Wednesday as your non-working day so you only do 2 days in a row.