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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To question his behaviour?

46 replies

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:19

The last thing I want to do is come on here and seem like I'm just drama queen bashing her husband, so if that's what I'm doing, tell me to get over myself.

But to be honest there have been a lot of things going on lately that are really making me question whether he's actually being quite emotionally manipulative. I'm really doubting myself and wanted to see what others thought.

we've been together since we were teenagers and I'm questioning if we've just really changed as people?

I won't go into too much as it could be outing but here are some of the highlights.

He goes to work and comes home wanting to do literally nothing to contribute to our family life. He won't even put his own washing away and expects me to put his clothes away for him. If I don't do it they just sit on the chair and he complains they get creased. he doesn't cook or clean, apart from doing the washing sometimes.

if he has an idea of something we should do and I voice any sort of skepticism I'm accused of having no faith in him, being a cynical person, never supporting him, never having "positive energy". But last year he went through a tribunal at work and I emotionally supported him even though he was definitely in the wrong and it cost me a friendship. And I don't have to agree with everything he says anyway (Like anyone I have a relationship with)

when we lost our daughter I stopped functioning and was diagnosed as depressed. He said I wasn't and told me he didn't know if he could stay with me if I took antidepressants. I have now been struggling with PND and he's said the same despite me finding it hard to care for our 3 children all under the age of 4

he will buy me expensive gifts but they are always to his taste rather than mine and often the wrong size "for when I've lost the baby weight"

if I dare say I'm tired he lists off everything he had to do at work and points out I'm not working and points out the fact that he is the one who provides for us financially (we couldn't live our lifestyle on just my salary/hours). I'm on mat leave at the moment, caring for three small children and breastfeeding two of them. I usually work 20 hours a week as a dentist and have only taken six months mat leave.

at the moment I feel like every problem we have he flips it to be my fault. I'm burnt out so maybe I'm not on it all the time but I do feel he doesn't appreciate me. But maybe he's just burnt out too - I know corporate jobs are hard in different ways.

I've been to endless counselling sessions, CBT, do yoga, mindfulness, acupuncture, go to the gym, take the kids out in nature all the time, all to feel better and still feel shit. He refuses to even go and see a therapist by himself, just to see if it would be good for him. I feel like I'm always trying to make things better by making myself better but its never good enough and he doesn't even try and work on himself emotionally. I feel like he's a different person now.

Is he just a bit dense/not very understanding? Am I just hormonal and should be more appreciative of what he does so?

So I guess -

YABU - this is what marriage/men are like and you're being a drama queen

YANBU - he is manipulative/an arsehole and I should question the relationship if he won't go to couples therapy

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:24

Gosh, thanks to anyone who makes it to the end and votes - I realise I wrote a bloody essay! XO

OP posts:

gungemonster · 17/02/2022 23:29

YANBU

He's an unsupportive arse

Can't get my head around how he expects you to function and gives you zero emotional or practical support

Lindaloo08 · 17/02/2022 23:30

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, that's something anyone would struggle to ger over, your DH included but he has no right tell you how to cope. There are big changes needed for you, couple counselling or your own to help you become stronger and realise you're doing great with your kids and that no one should make you question yourself. A corporate job may be stressful but he doesnt have to be horrible with it. Leave his clothes where they are, the state they are in are his problem.

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:31

And he does work hard to provide us with a lovely lifestyle, I am very grateful for our beautiful children and the things we do have.

I just feel a bit like he uses them as a "more what could you want" argument... he doesn't get that material things/finance don't mean anything when your emotional needs aren't being met.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/02/2022 23:31

He's an arsehole. Any one of those points would make him an arsehole. All of them together I'd tell him to fuck off and not come back.

Bywayofanupdate · 17/02/2022 23:32

I can't believe someone has voted yabu. You need to get away from this man. How dare he dictate whether you take medication or not? Especially after such a traumatic event. I am so sorry for your loss OP and you deserve someone who supports you

DeathStarLampShade · 17/02/2022 23:32

You are definitely not unreasonable.

RocketPanda · 17/02/2022 23:33

I think if you LTB your mental health will improve. He sounds like a complete drain on your emotional resources.

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 23:34

YANBU - he is manipulative/an arsehole and I should question the relationship if he won't go to couples therapy

People in healthy relationships don't even contemplate this option. It wouldn't cross their minds.

He's making you feel hideous, and he's destroying your self esteem. Concentrate on this, rather than who's right or wrong. Stay away from people who make you feel this way. That's all you need to do to have secure boundaries and self respect, starting now. Take steps to get away from him, even if it's just thinking about options, rather than thinking about whether you're 'right' to have your feelings. We can't choose our feelings, so we just have to make sure we spend our time in places/with people where our feelings are good. That's our responsibility in life to ourselves. Until we can operate well at that level, we can't hope to offer adequate emotional care to others.

Have you got any support in real life?

WulyJmpr · 17/02/2022 23:36

Another abusive husband.

RocketPanda · 17/02/2022 23:36

DD uses the phrase Souldigger for these types of (usually) men who just drain the life and soul out of a woman.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your daughter too

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:37

we lost our baby daughter six years ago and I still find it hard to get through each day sometimes, especially around the month she was born/died.

to this day I still haven't taken any medication for mood/depression/anxiety because of what he said and I have no doubt that it would have made things somewhat easier

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 17/02/2022 23:37

I don't think that you should go to couples counseling, it isn't recommended if there's any form of abuse and he is emotionally abusive. He doesn't want you to take antidepressants because he doesn't want you to be the best version of you. If you were, you'd dump him. He's scared of you waking up and seeing him for what he is. Very few jobs are as hard going as bf two and having a toddler. Go by yourself to counseling. You may still feel 'like shit', that could be the grief, or being in a unsupportive marriage.

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:46

I do go to counselling by myself, and cognitive behavioural therapy (and all the other things) - I have done for the last six years. I think that's a big part of what has made me start questioning him.. I've spent so long trying to work on myself because I feel like I was the problem but there has been little change so I've started to wonder if the issue is actually him

I do wonder if the trauma around the pregnancy/loss just changed us both too much. we had been together for 11 years before that and although we weren't perfect I was still happy

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 17/02/2022 23:56

have you got any support in real life?

Because of the ongoing depression I have really struggled with socialising so have a very small pool of friends. they all think the world of my husband who is something of a charmer in public.

I have really good support from my mother but that's about it. its complicated as My husband works for my brother's company and they very much operate on the "you know what those mad women are like" kind of level. We actually met because he was my brothers friend so they have a very good relationship and I feel like it would be really hard to speak to my brother about worries I had over my husband. My brother has not long split with his wife after having a long affair so I wouldn't really trust him either. neither of them would listen to my mother who they say is high maintenance (she's actually amazing)

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 17/02/2022 23:57

He treats you like a cleaner, denies you the opportunity to get medication for your grief, buys too small clothes to passive aggressively say you're fat, and you're meant to be grateful? Fuck that

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 00:04

You have outgrown him and he's an arsehole to boot. You were a child when you got together and out of habit you stayed with him. Life doesn't have to be this way.

ChargingBuck · 18/02/2022 00:06

I've been to endless counselling sessions, CBT, do yoga, mindfulness, acupuncture, go to the gym, take the kids out in nature all the time, all to feel better and still feel shit.
You'll feel SO much better when you are no longer living with a manipulative, gaslighting shit.

Is he just a bit dense/not very understanding?
He understands all right. He just doesn't care.

Am I just hormonal and should be more appreciative of what he does so?
No.
You are/were suffering from untreated PND.
I cannot believe he coerced you into not getting help & medication.
He is an emotionally abusive arsehole.

Start daydreaming about how life would look without him in it.
A man who wants all the credit for going to work (big deal - we all have to) but does fuck-all at home is no prize.
THIS man is actively undermining you.
He deliberately set out to damage your mental health. After you were unwell from having his babies.
And he keeps on doing it - in smaller ways - think about the message he is sending you, buying these clothes to his own taste, in a size that doesn't fit you., What a dick.

Really, start thinking about how much lighter you'd feel, not dealing with his shit day in day out. And keep posting.

ChargingBuck · 18/02/2022 00:08

YANBU - he is manipulative/an arsehole and I should question the relationship if he won't go to couples therapy

DO not - DO NOT - enter couples counselling with this man.
Professionals recommend that couples should never engage in joint counselling when one of the pair is abusive. And, I am so sorry OP - your man is ragingly abusive.

Yaya26 · 18/02/2022 00:08

Kick his nasty arse into next week.

ChargingBuck · 18/02/2022 00:11

@MrsBDefinitely

have you got any support in real life?

Because of the ongoing depression I have really struggled with socialising so have a very small pool of friends. they all think the world of my husband who is something of a charmer in public.

Ye Dogs.

Your DH & DB are misogynists.
Confide in your lovely mum OP.
And for crying out loud - get to the GP & get some meds, if still needed. He has no right & no business preventing you from getting the help you need.

HereticFanjo · 18/02/2022 00:12

Christ alive you poor woman. Forget about losing baby weight, ditch that absolute twat and immediately lose 12 stone. You'll also regain your sense of self.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 18/02/2022 03:02

Divorce - the one good option.

CookieMunch · 18/02/2022 09:57

How long ago did you loose your daughter and could his behaviour be a reaction to that? Also how is he with your children and other people? It might be worth thinking about whether this is how he always with with everyone (ie he’s an arse! It’s his personality)? Or is this a temp thing where your relationship has gone well off track? Might help you to consider how to deal with this. Either way it sounds awful but if it’s a temp thing it could be reparable. If it’s his personality you won’t be able to change that realistically.

Original poster

MrsBDefinitely · 18/02/2022 11:11

It’s been six years. I appreciate that it could be the loss that has affected him in this way but then he really needs to stop avoiding getting any emotional help, which refuses to do

OP posts:

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