To question his behaviour?

[MrsBDefinitely]

The last thing I want to do is come on here and seem like I'm just drama queen bashing her husband, so if that's what I'm doing, tell me to get over myself.

But to be honest there have been a lot of things going on lately that are really making me question whether he's actually being quite emotionally manipulative. I'm really doubting myself and wanted to see what others thought.

we've been together since we were teenagers and I'm questioning if we've just really changed as people?

I won't go into too much as it could be outing but here are some of the highlights.

He goes to work and comes home wanting to do literally nothing to contribute to our family life. He won't even put his own washing away and expects me to put his clothes away for him. If I don't do it they just sit on the chair and he complains they get creased. he doesn't cook or clean, apart from doing the washing sometimes.

if he has an idea of something we should do and I voice any sort of skepticism I'm accused of having no faith in him, being a cynical person, never supporting him, never having "positive energy". But last year he went through a tribunal at work and I emotionally supported him even though he was definitely in the wrong and it cost me a friendship. And I don't have to agree with everything he says anyway (Like anyone I have a relationship with)

when we lost our daughter I stopped functioning and was diagnosed as depressed. He said I wasn't and told me he didn't know if he could stay with me if I took antidepressants. I have now been struggling with PND and he's said the same despite me finding it hard to care for our 3 children all under the age of 4

he will buy me expensive gifts but they are always to his taste rather than mine and often the wrong size "for when I've lost the baby weight"

if I dare say I'm tired he lists off everything he had to do at work and points out I'm not working and points out the fact that he is the one who provides for us financially (we couldn't live our lifestyle on just my salary/hours). I'm on mat leave at the moment, caring for three small children and breastfeeding two of them. I usually work 20 hours a week as a dentist and have only taken six months mat leave.

at the moment I feel like every problem we have he flips it to be my fault. I'm burnt out so maybe I'm not on it all the time but I do feel he doesn't appreciate me. But maybe he's just burnt out too - I know corporate jobs are hard in different ways.

I've been to endless counselling sessions, CBT, do yoga, mindfulness, acupuncture, go to the gym, take the kids out in nature all the time, all to feel better and still feel shit. He refuses to even go and see a therapist by himself, just to see if it would be good for him. I feel like I'm always trying to make things better by making myself better but its never good enough and he doesn't even try and work on himself emotionally. I feel like he's a different person now.

Is he just a bit dense/not very understanding? Am I just hormonal and should be more appreciative of what he does so?

So I guess -

YABU - this is what marriage/men are like and you're being a drama queen

YANBU - he is manipulative/an arsehole and I should question the relationship if he won't go to couples therapy

From your posts OP it seems like you have done a lot to help and work on yourself but he hasn't? Would that be right? My alarm bell rang when I thought this as it would indicate that the problem is him rather than you. You both lost a child, which must be the worst thing a person can go through but you have sought help and he has not. He seems to have bottled the grief up and then takes it out on you as far as I can see.
We can't change other people and if a person won't face their problems then there is nothing that can be done for them. What's more, they will drag you down with them and it seems that he's actually trying to keep afloat by actively PUSHING you down. That's abuse OP. I therefore think YANBU but your DH very much is. You have and continue to be put through terrible suffering and I'm heart sorry. I think you need to get some legal advice OP, because I don't think you should continue to endure this. It's wearing you down and it'll damage your children in the long run too. God love you and a hug!

I'm so sad for you that you're treated so badly and feel like you need to check that you're not being unreasonable. You deserve so much better than this.

I am really sorry you lost your daughter, I cannot imagine the pain. It is without the doubt the most traumatic thing a parent can go through so please be very kind to yourself.

Your husband is abusing you emotionally. Gaslighting you into thinking this is your fault. He is an unsupportive twat and the only good action you can take, after all the energy an effort you have already invested into getting better, is to leave him.

He will become more abusive, say he will change. Promise this and the next, he will threaten to take your children away he will say he will report you as mentally unstable he will say you are incapable of even caring for yourself let alone 3DCs and he will say many more painful lies because he cannot in his small brain comprehend that a woman, an inferior being, would ever consider that he is anything less than a god that women have to fall over.

Please leave. Do not let your children grow up in such household to see and to later model this behaviour. You can save them, and many more people they will come into contact with, so much pain and suffering. Just plan it, and leave.

This is so reassuring

I felt like I was just convincing myself there was a problem when there wasn’t, and I was just being emotional

he will threaten to take your children away he will say he will report you as mentally unstable he will say you are incapable of even caring for yourself let alone 3DCs and he will say many more painful lies

This is what I’m most worried about

I like to think he wouldn’t be that spiteful - if he doesn’t really get involved with the kids why would he bother but at the same time I’ve heard this happens a lot and it’s a terrifying thought

I’m relieved that I have engaged with plenty of talking therapies etc and tried really hard to work on myself as I know I have a lot of documented evidence that I do actively try and look after my mental health. I’ve los got in on record with the go that I have refused medication because of him so fingers crossed that would go in my favour

*also got it on record with the GO

GP!!!!!

Autocorrect 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Do you think you'd still benefit from anti-depressants? If you do then maybe that should be your next step. You don't have to tell him, just pop them in a 'lady' vitamin tub.

@GreenDressRedWine I’ve honestly thought about doing that so many times but I just can’t operate on a secret/lie. I’m terrible at it and would feel so guilty, whether or not I felt I was in the right to do so

Run. He has shown his true colours, he is an abuser and a gaslighter.

Go back to the GP, get the medication. (Assuming you actually think it will help).

You need to get strong and take control here not let him run you into the ground.

You say you are feeding 2 - which implies twins or a v small age gap, and then a toddler too? Bloody he'll you must be knackered without all the other stuff!!

You NEED to get ahold of you PND. Take the medication if that's whats needed. I think it's likely what he's afraid of is if you do he won't have the control over you he does now as you will be in a better place!

If he pisses off so what? Likely he is just using it as an excuse anyway. As a dentist your earning capacity is not nothing so he must be earning very good money. He can therefore pay maintenance for his kids and split the martial assets at least in half... he won't want to do that will he now!

You are not wrong, you are not hormonal- he is doing a number on you and your kids!
(Oh and forget the couples counselling- he's abusive)

[quote MrsBDefinitely]@GreenDressRedWine I’ve honestly thought about doing that so many times but I just can’t operate on a secret/lie. I’m terrible at it and would feel so guilty, whether or not I felt I was in the right to do so[/quote]
You would feel guilty about taking a prescribed medicine, recommended by your GP?

Can you see it now, how far his gaslighting, coercion & control extends?

Not guilty for taking it just guilty for lying

I didn't even read the full post. When I got to the antidepressants thing I decided he was a twat.

OP, I think you've got a lot to think about and should get some help IRL. Can I suggest you ask for the thread to be deleted when you've digested the replies - I'm just thinking you would be quite identifiable from the details you've shared. You could always post again whenever you want to but maybe with another username but without the bereavement and occupation together which could be outing.

HTH

@MrsBDefinitely

Not guilty for taking it just guilty for lying

Can you reframe this, OP?

Instead of guilt - how about anger, at being forbidden medical treatment by H? Or rage at the knowledge that you would need to lie about taking necessary meds, because your H is a controlling arsehole who would rather see you suffer than 'allow' you to get the help you deserve?

What do you think his reaction would be if you just went and got the ADs? Don't lie about it, don't hide it, just get the medication YOU need to make you well, and let him froth and rage.

200 votes for manipulative arsehole.

5 at most for saying he's normal.

I suggest those 5 YABUS have miss clicked.

Lots of great advice on here. Sending you a big hug xx

Slightly interesting update

I broke my arm this afternoon stupidly trying to battle our escaped bins in the storm.

H has taken next week off work (half term) to look after the kids.

Im really hoping he’s going to see how hard running the house and having the kids actually and maybe he will have some sort of epiphany.

Will let you know

Hoping yous all stayed safe today XO

Hope your arm heals well