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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change surname to that of my ex-finance and father of child?

47 replies

ElIie · 17/02/2022 10:55

Hi,

This is not for me, but for my best friend.

My friend got engaged in 2018, had her daughter in early 2019. At the time she agreed to give the baby her DP’s surname as she assumed she would take his name eventually as well. Flash forward nearly 3 years her DP became controlling and abusive after DD was born so she has left him.

However, she has the issue of not having the same name as her DD. He has promised to make this difficult for her, for example, her mother and stepfather live in the United States, and he has said he will no longer give his written permission for DD to go out there. She has been by herself twice before and both times she was interrogated by US border officials about not having the same name, asking why the baby’s father was not with her etc.

He has also said he doesn’t want anything to do with their DD anymore.

She is also worried about enrolling her daughter at school, GP surgery etc as a single parent with a different name to her DD in the future.

It is basically impossible to get her child’s name changed at this point, so I suggested why doesn’t she just change her name to her ex’s (fairly common) name so it matches her DD. We agreed in theory, it might make things easier for her and it is easy enough to do via deed poll.

For:
Make things easier for her and DD to get on in life as a single mum and child
People won’t ask as many questions
My friend has no attachment to her current (adopted) surname - no lineage attached
She has only just started her career so won’t be too awkward to change now

Against:
People might think she is crazy obsessed with her ex
She has no “right” to his name
He might get angry (on the other hand, how will he know?)
What happens if she wants to marry someone else in the future and have more kids? (She swears she doesn’t but I reckon there is a good chance she would.)

Also, is there a chance that changing her name won’t actually solve any of these issues?

So just airing this idea out on MN.

YABU - this be crazy, why would you do that?
YANBU - sure go ahead, it probably will make things easier.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2022 11:37

Surely this is where you go to court to get an order to change the name and get permission for holidays?

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 11:39

@Merryoldgoat

Surely this is where you go to court to get an order to change the name and get permission for holidays?
That’s not a given though is it? I was told by a solicitor that no court would agree to me changing my daughters name from her fathers to mine despite him being absent because courts always think a child should have a connection to the father even one not involved so it’s not a case it will simply be changed
CornishGem1975 · 17/02/2022 11:43

I don't see the point. I have a different surname to my DC, it's made no difference to mine or their lives. Nothing has been more difficult.

I'd be loathed to change my name to that of an abusive man just to have the same name as them.

vivainsomnia · 17/02/2022 11:43

She is also worried about enrolling her daughter at school, GP surgery etc as a single parent with a different name to her DD in the future
She shouldn't. It is so common nowadays that people don't bat an eyelid. My kids have a different name to me, separated when they were just babies, travelled to many places abroad and never had an issue, never asked for his consent.

ThatsAllFolks · 17/02/2022 11:47

Query hyphenate the child's name with her own, think u are allowed to do that, then just start using her own half of the hyphenated surname

DropYourSword · 17/02/2022 11:50

She has been by herself twice before and both times she was interrogated by US border officials about not having the same name, asking why the baby’s father was not with her etc
It's pretty quick and easy to explain the truth!

She is also worried about enrolling her daughter at school, GP surgery etc as a single parent with a different name to her DD in the future.
Why? None of this will be any trouble.

No-one owns a name, so of course she 'could' change it. But I thinking's not a good suggestion in this scenario.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2022 11:52

@RedCandyApple

Really? Even if asking for a double barrelled option?

No wonder people are scared to go to court.

SnakeLinguine · 17/02/2022 11:55

She should add her surname to her daughter's, rather than even considering labelling herself with an abusive ex's name.

DS has both our surnames, and we've both travelled separately with him since his birth, with no issues.

Rainyday4321 · 17/02/2022 11:55

Bonkers. The only one of those that is potentially tricky is travel.
All the rest- school- drs etc are non issues. You literally say I am enrolling child jones. If needed you tell them your name. No one cares if it is different.
Millions of women have different surnames to their kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 11:55

[quote Merryoldgoat]@RedCandyApple

Really? Even if asking for a double barrelled option?

No wonder people are scared to go to court.[/quote]
My daughter has mine and exes surname (not double barrelled) I was asking if I could remove his so she just has mine (no contact) They said it wouldn’t happen so waste of time going to court because a judge won’t agree. I guess double barrelled is an option but I was told they won’t fully change or remove a surname.

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 11:57

Also it’s not about surnames you need permission to travel regardless of whether the child has the same surname or not just because some people don’t get stopped doesn’t mean others don’t/won’t. www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

maslinpan · 17/02/2022 11:57

I think there might be an issue about travelling to the States with a different name and no written permission from the father. US border officials are pretty strict. Last time I travelled back with DCs I was told I had to have written permission from DH due having kept my name. I think that's the main issue for your friend to research

twoshedsjackson · 17/02/2022 12:01

Hyphenating, as suggested by PP, is one possibility, and I can assure you that schools will have come across situations like this before. It became more common during my teaching career (although still slightly unusual) to have a pupil on my register clearly marked as "known as", and I would imagine that any GP practice would similarly take it in their stride. It didn't always indicate an unsettles domestic situation situation; pupils of Chinese heritage would often be known at school by their "English" name.
Having established this in her child's day-to-day life, she might want to take legal advice about obtaining a passport; one consultation with a solicitor who deals with this issue should do the trick!

JudgeRindersMinder · 17/02/2022 12:01

And this is precisely why children of unmarried parents should have their mother’s name, with the ability to ch age it if/when they choose.
The old Scottish clan system says that a child takes its mother’s rather than its father’s clan as they always know who the mother is…

Sorry that doesn’t help your friend but people really need to be a lot less romantic when naming their babies, it’s such a ball ache when a relationship fails and realistically it’s the mother who’s left dealing with it

Original poster
ElIie · 17/02/2022 12:02

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Interesting to hear your thoughts.

A bit of extra background: my friend had a bit of an identity crisis as a child due to her surname, which caused upset and resentment. She doesn’t want her DD feeling the same way.

Things like facing aggressive questioning when travelling will probably make this more likely for DD (I think this is a bigger issue in America, where she intends to travel frequently), especially if she lacks written permission from her child’s father to take DD there on holiday.

My friends father is Middle Eastern. When visiting, might there be less understanding of this situation than in Europe?

No, a court won’t change the name. Not even to a double barrel name.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/02/2022 12:03

She needs a court order to allow her to travel to see her family if he is being Unreasonable about it please say he was dumb enough to text her these threats?

She can use her name as her daughters surname for day to day life its called a known as name because its on her birth certificate she can use it for the school dentist and yes even the doctors doesn't take the dads name away just allows her to be known as her mother's surname

Wisemensay · 17/02/2022 12:04

Why does she need the same surname as her daughter? I have a different surname to my mum and its never caused any problems and I'm in my 30s. It was a lot less common then.

RedCandyApple · 17/02/2022 12:06

@ElIie

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Interesting to hear your thoughts.

A bit of extra background: my friend had a bit of an identity crisis as a child due to her surname, which caused upset and resentment. She doesn’t want her DD feeling the same way.

Things like facing aggressive questioning when travelling will probably make this more likely for DD (I think this is a bigger issue in America, where she intends to travel frequently), especially if she lacks written permission from her child’s father to take DD there on holiday.

My friends father is Middle Eastern. When visiting, might there be less understanding of this situation than in Europe?

No, a court won’t change the name. Not even to a double barrel name.

Just get a cao then she doesn’t need permission
JustLyra · 17/02/2022 12:07

She has been by herself twice before and both times she was interrogated by US border officials about not having the same name, asking why the baby’s father was not with her etc.

That will only change the questions - it won’t stop it happening. US immigration are very, very used to swathes of female travellers who don’t have the same surname as their child.

A court order allowing travel without the child’s father will be the most solid thing she can do.

FlossMoss · 17/02/2022 12:12

You have to train your child up to say the right things in airports.

Learnt this the hard way!Grin

At the airport you only tend to get asked questions if you raise suspicion when you answer the casual questions that you don't notice they are asking.

They say to the child

'ohhhh going on holiday? Just the two of you?'

And your child says

'yes, mum and dad are divorced and grandma lives in America and we are going to stay with them'

Then that's suspicious. They need to say

'Yes, we are going to see (various sights)'
Or
'Yes, dad is working. He's a IT manager/bus driver'

Regularsizedrudy · 17/02/2022 12:15

Why is it impossible to change her Childs surname? I know several people who have done this without much issue.

ReadySteadyTwins · 17/02/2022 12:17

Out of interest, has the exH just announced/hinted he is engaged, or likely to remarry?

JustLyra · 17/02/2022 12:20

@Regularsizedrudy

Why is it impossible to change her Childs surname? I know several people who have done this without much issue.
It’s much harder now to get a court order to change a child’s surname and schools, rightly because of the issues it causes, have clamped down on easily changing names to “known as” surnames.
Original poster
ElIie · 17/02/2022 12:31

@Regularsizedrudy Her ex is on the birth certificate and has equal parental responsibility. She can’t change it without his permission.

Now, if he wasn’t on the birth certificate at all, she could change it quite easily via deed poll.

The only way to change it is to go to court, but she has been advised this is basically impossible if the father resists unless the father is convicted of a serious crime.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 17/02/2022 12:37

[quote ElIie]@Regularsizedrudy Her ex is on the birth certificate and has equal parental responsibility. She can’t change it without his permission.

Now, if he wasn’t on the birth certificate at all, she could change it quite easily via deed poll.

The only way to change it is to go to court, but she has been advised this is basically impossible if the father resists unless the father is convicted of a serious crime.[/quote]
If she has in writing, by text or email, that he wants nothing more to do with the child she has a better chance.

She needs the court order for residency and holidays anyway - just so he can’t play silly buggers in future

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