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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change surname to that of my ex-finance and father of child?

47 replies

ElIie · 17/02/2022 10:55

Hi,

This is not for me, but for my best friend.

My friend got engaged in 2018, had her daughter in early 2019. At the time she agreed to give the baby her DP’s surname as she assumed she would take his name eventually as well. Flash forward nearly 3 years her DP became controlling and abusive after DD was born so she has left him.

However, she has the issue of not having the same name as her DD. He has promised to make this difficult for her, for example, her mother and stepfather live in the United States, and he has said he will no longer give his written permission for DD to go out there. She has been by herself twice before and both times she was interrogated by US border officials about not having the same name, asking why the baby’s father was not with her etc.

He has also said he doesn’t want anything to do with their DD anymore.

She is also worried about enrolling her daughter at school, GP surgery etc as a single parent with a different name to her DD in the future.

It is basically impossible to get her child’s name changed at this point, so I suggested why doesn’t she just change her name to her ex’s (fairly common) name so it matches her DD. We agreed in theory, it might make things easier for her and it is easy enough to do via deed poll.

For:
Make things easier for her and DD to get on in life as a single mum and child
People won’t ask as many questions
My friend has no attachment to her current (adopted) surname - no lineage attached
She has only just started her career so won’t be too awkward to change now

Against:
People might think she is crazy obsessed with her ex
She has no “right” to his name
He might get angry (on the other hand, how will he know?)
What happens if she wants to marry someone else in the future and have more kids? (She swears she doesn’t but I reckon there is a good chance she would.)

Also, is there a chance that changing her name won’t actually solve any of these issues?

So just airing this idea out on MN.

YABU - this be crazy, why would you do that?
YANBU - sure go ahead, it probably will make things easier.

OP posts:

Lalala1 · 17/02/2022 13:33

I’ve never had issues going abroad with my kids alone and Ive never needed his permission I’ve took my youngest’s birth certificate though as she has his surname. I was stopped once but showed them bc n that was it. My youngest is also “known as” my surname at school, gps,dentists and such.
I’d be inclined to go to court though in your friends position as America has more strict controls just for peace of mind and to stop him having that hold over her.

Bootothegoose · 17/02/2022 13:36

Contact the courts, explain the situation and ask for the mother’s name to be hyphenated onto the child’s beside the father’s.

I have two aquaintances who achieved this through court despite the father’s objection. The judge had no objection in either case. She then carries the same surname to her daughter in part and can drop the father’s portion in informal settings.

RosieGuacamosie · 17/02/2022 13:40

I think if your friend is honest, this is likely to be much more about her perceived social etiquette than it is about facing random barriers due to different names.

Unless your friend is a high flying jet setter, then the travelling issue is very unlikely to be relevant more than a handful of times, and easily solved with a letter of permission. Doctors/school etc. there will be no issue at all.

jeaux90 · 17/02/2022 13:46

Firstly she needs to go to court (assuming she is in the uk) to get a CAO.

That means she can travel up to a month without his permission. She can apply for an SIO at the same time to change the surname.

Your friend can change her surname via deedpoll and apply to get the DD name changed to that.

Or yes she can change her own name to her DDs

Either way she needs the CAO. That way she can travel without his consent.

FWIW I had the same issue. It's a problem when travelling.

Gorzabee · 17/02/2022 13:51

Having travelled to the US a lot I would say that having the same surname would make life a whole lot easier. You can have some quite shitty encounters with immigration, we have been fortunate that that hasn't happened but I know a lot of people who have had this, know to keep your mouth shut until you are let in and then report it. Because they can delay you just because they want to, no one needs that stress.

Either double barrel through the courts or definitely change her name to her daughter's.

Soul11Soul · 17/02/2022 14:16

I have had a different name from my children for 13 years and have never encountered any questions, problems or issues. Not one.

The travel issue will not be solved by having a different surname if the father doesn't want her to travel. She will still require his permission to leave the country.

Instead of faffing about with names she needs to get to court to get permission to travel.

PoshCoffeeOnly · 17/02/2022 14:33

Your idea is completely bonkers - its 2022!! Children have different surnames, it seems like its always a problem for the parent but never anyone else.

When I'm called Mrs ExSurname, sometimes I correct, but mostly I go along with it - it really us no big deal.

My kids still love me. People know I love my kids just as much as those that share the same surname.

You've posted;

Make things easier for her and DD to get on in life as a single mum and child How exactly?
People won’t ask as many questions Questions like what?

As for questions entering the US - they ask everyone questions anyway and there will be no avoiding the question of where the DF is. She will need a court order for this - it's what they are there for.

Mocara · 17/02/2022 14:33

Add your name its legaly easier than trying to remove /change an exs name . My friend did this but not in the uk. After her experiance we had both names put on our childrens birth cert then passport etc as we weren't married.
Seperated when the children were little and only use one surname but issue free travel etc as we can both clearly evidence our parental rights.

jeaux90 · 17/02/2022 14:58

@Soul11Soul

I have had a different name from my children for 13 years and have never encountered any questions, problems or issues. Not one.

The travel issue will not be solved by having a different surname if the father doesn't want her to travel. She will still require his permission to leave the country.

Instead of faffing about with names she needs to get to court to get permission to travel.

This is not true. If she has a CAO she doesn't need his permission up to 1 month per year of travel.

Abs just because you've never been stopped doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I have a different name and we always get stopped when travelling

ForeverSingle881 · 17/02/2022 15:14

Surely all she has to do for those things is bring the birth certificate that shows the mother's name? She'll likely need his permission to travel abroad anyway, forever.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/02/2022 15:21

@ElIie

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Interesting to hear your thoughts.

A bit of extra background: my friend had a bit of an identity crisis as a child due to her surname, which caused upset and resentment. She doesn’t want her DD feeling the same way.

Things like facing aggressive questioning when travelling will probably make this more likely for DD (I think this is a bigger issue in America, where she intends to travel frequently), especially if she lacks written permission from her child’s father to take DD there on holiday.

My friends father is Middle Eastern. When visiting, might there be less understanding of this situation than in Europe?

No, a court won’t change the name. Not even to a double barrel name.

If the child has a Middle Eastern surname, US immigration is going to be a permanent feature of travel, whatever the mother's surname happens to be.

BurntO · 17/02/2022 15:25

I have a different surname to my child and it’s never ever been an issue. No one cares. Not sure what your friend Is so concerned about tbh

jeaux90 · 17/02/2022 15:32

@BurntO

I have a different surname to my child and it’s never ever been an issue. No one cares. Not sure what your friend Is so concerned about tbh

But it happens to a lot of us! It happens to me every time I travel with my DD who has a different last name.

FlossMoss · 17/02/2022 16:00

@BurntO

I have a different surname to my child and it’s never ever been an issue. No one cares. Not sure what your friend Is so concerned about tbh

It depends where you travel really. If you are going to Benidorm with a suitcase full of suntan lotion and swimming costumes you are less likely to be questioned.

If you travel long haul you notice.

I've had my dc taken away from me in an airport and questioned separately because one of them said they lived in bloody America when the bloke casually asked where she was from.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 17/02/2022 16:01

My DD has a different last name but has my surname as a second middle name. It's not a common British name/surname so pretty obvious where it comes from.

OP could they add her name?

Spidey66 · 17/02/2022 16:06

Surely there are lots of people with different surnames to their kids?

-Divorced mums reverting to maiden name
-Married mums not taking husbands names
-Cohabitating couples with kids who took dad's name.

People don't bat an eye these days!

ghostyslovesheets · 17/02/2022 16:12

Can't say it's ever been an issue for me - 3 kids with dads name - I went back to my maiden name - I simply take a copy of my Deed poll and marriage cert - NEVER been asked for either but if the OP takes the birth cert with both names on I doubt it'll come up

BlondeWidow · 17/02/2022 16:20

*fast forward not flash forward

I have a different surname to my DD under the same circumstances. DD is now 7 and I've never ever ever had any issue of any kind whatsoever @ElIie

Gizacluethen · 17/02/2022 16:46

It's not HIS name. He doesn't own the name. She's not binding herself to him with the name. It's her daughters name and easiest to have the same.

Aimee1987 · 17/02/2022 17:03

I have a different surname to DS. I have travelled internationally on my own with him. I just bring a copy of his birth cert along with his passport but have never needed it. I simply state hes my son and they say ok.
I registered my son at nursery and doctors office without DP. No one said anything.
If he wants to stop her taking his child out of the country he has that legal right regardless of their names.
It would benifit her to get a court order in place that allows holidays otherwise he can cause problems

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/02/2022 17:29

@ElIie

The family court will most certainly double barrel. I have seen in numerous times in my professional career.

Also as a pp said if you have a lives with CAO you do not need the father's permission to travel abroad.

JustLyra · 17/02/2022 19:13

But it happens to a lot of us! It happens to me every time I travel with my DD who has a different last name.

I’ve been stopped more with my younger two, who I share a name with, than my elder two who I don’t.

It’s got nothing to do with just name. Tightening policies mean travelling solo with a child is subject to more questions now than it used to be.

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