Divorcing a narcissist but can’t accept it’s over.

[LKB0709]

Anyone else been married to a narcissistic arsehole and find that when the divorce is going through they make you feel worthless and shit? Even to the point that you can’t see yourself with anyone else in the future? This is where I am!!
Ten years together, 6 married, 7 year old child. Financially independent and just bought my own house (no finances from ex). Big family, small group of friends.
I find myself being an emotional wreck thinking that I’ll never be with anyone else. I don’t talk to my family or friends about it because they will tell me I’m well rid, I know I am and I know I can do better but Why can I not just accept this and move on?! I find myself on the phone to him, sobbing my heart out, practically begging him to try again. I know I should not be with him, he brings nothing good to my life but I still have this feeling of overwhelming sadness.
I cant wait for the day that the pig wakes up to no emails or msgs from me. Anyone else felt like this? How did you get out of the rut and how long did it take?

How long have you been separated? Who asked for the separation?

I only ask because I've been separated near 2 years now and met someone new who is lovely and was totally accidental. But Ex put me down so much I struggle to take compliments from new partner. I had a DD (2 y/o) with Ex husband, he hurt her when she was a baby, lied and hid it then when he decided he CBA with social services and got his divorce he just said nope tell her to find me when she's 18. But during the year of meeting new partner Ex would make some comments to make me feel even worse.

It does get better but Ex ended it and broke my family but made me feel like it was my fault. And it's now me that has to explain to DD why he and his family aren't around. You will meet someone and they will make you feel how you should have felt. It's hard because you apologise for a narcissists behaviour to friends and family and you end up getting sucked in the whole of they need you when really they're putting you down so much so you'll never leave x

I was the same, not married but 9 year relationship. Thought about him for months after until one day I came to my senses and realised he was still controlling me. Met now DH a month later and have never looked back. I now know what being happy really is and you will too.

We haven’t lived together for a year but were on/off for around 6 months last year (him renting, me bought). He would come and go as he pleased, say he was coming and wouldn’t turn up, would lie to me of his whereabouts and who he was with (associates who also like cocaine!!). Things come to a really bad head in December and that was the final straw, it involved my mum and I figured, she’s always going to be there, he’s not so that was my decision but he agreed enough was enough.
He filed the divorce which is the best thing for me (he can not try to ever claim any of the house I have bought) so in that sense I’m relieved but in another sense, I feel that I should have been the one calling it a day and filing the divorce. Even now, he’s calling the shots! He said he would have daughter set days and changes his mind as it suits. I think the fact that even until the end, he is still controlling me is what I’m finding so hard to deal with.
I know there are many men out there who want a normal, healthy relationship but I’m also scared that through history, I’ll never have that. Obviously a relationship is NOT what I want right now and can’t see that for a long time but the loneliness when daughter isn’t here and friends are with their own families makes me feel like being with him was better than being alone!
I’d also become close to a lot of wives/partners of his friends and feel that now I will have to distance myself. He’s made comments before along the lines of “get your own friends” “stop trying to be friends with my mates” etc etc.
In every sense I feel that he’s walking around like a Cheshire fucking cat while I’m sat at home moping over someone who will never be a good partner!

Look up trauma bonding

Hang in there, I promise it gets better. Go on a few dates, nothing serious if you don’t want, just go for drinks, dinners etc. it’s a good confidence builder!

He's not though is he. He's walking round with the mask of a grinning Cheshire Cat.

Inside they are creatures with no soul. No matter what happens in your life going forward, thank the stars, every day, that you are not him.

He doesn’t have a soul or a heart. He would make me say the most vile things to him for his constant disgusting behaviour towards me and then flip it that I’m a psycho and he has done nothing wrong. I’d try and explain that every action has a reaction and he would downplay staying out all night on drugs that “everyone had a blowout now and then” - this would be mid-week when I had work the next day and DD
School!
In regards to dates, I set up an Instagram (never had SM) and when he found out I got no end of abuse so I deleted it. I know i shouldn’t have let him do that but I feel like Im always clinging on to him miraculously changing and all I’m doing is kidding myself.

Yes, you are kidding yourself.

I know it hurts, but tell yourself you are kidding yourself a hundred times a day if you need too.

He will always be this creature. Get out while you can and don't look back.

I must also note that I gave up
Smoking 9 days ago with the help of Zyban. They can cause depression so not sure if they are contributing to me feeling low. On the flip side, he smoked 30 a day so I could never have done it being with him and no matter how rubbish he makes me feel, I’m never touching another cigarette again

I need to put that on my screensaver.

Kidding myself!

Did you put a child arrangement together in your court documents? Just when you do gain your confidence and manage to move on he may try and manipulate you that way by taking you to court (I'm not trying to worry you, I just know that it could happen). I didn't mean to meet anyone, signed up to tinder after a colleague at work died and her best friend (who I also work with) said I needed to move on as that's what colleague who passed away would have said. Spoke to a couple of guys went on one god awful date (nothing and I mean nothing in common). Then got talking to now partner and he shows me so much love. He bought me expensive shoes which I made him return but he said I knew you wouldn't buy them even if you had the money as you'd spend it on DD and I know you'd love them. He also got police checked with no concerns to be around my DD, and boy does she love him. He makes me feel giddy and even though some of the vile things my ex said about me physically and emotionally my current partner supports and coaches me positively every single day.

You will get there, you've had the strength to be with this person and raise a child together. You have got more than enough strength to move on. Maybe join a class while DC is out with friends? Like yoga where you can make other friends

He's been gaslighting you for years, and now you're doing it to yourself. You do not want this man back. Stop deluding yourself. He's a shit person who made you feel like shit. Good riddance.

No, nothing was in the divorce document. We had an agreement that it would be Tues and Thursday one week and Friday and Saturday The next. That way we both had every other weekend to go out with friends etc. He always messes around with the weekdays and last week he decided to go on holiday with his mate for four days which went into his weekend! I told him categorically “you won’t be seeing her on Saturday seeing as you didn’t stick to the arrangement.” DD is not really fussed either way about him personally but he will buy her anything she wants, let her eat crap, doesn’t have a set bedtime etc. All things that make me look like the boring nagging mum and him the superhero!!
I know that when the time comes i will find someone when I least expect it but that just seems like I could never imagine myself having dinner, going on holiday, being intimate with someone else. It’s actually scary to me just thought of talking to another man in any sexual/flirty way.

@Aquamarine1029

He's been gaslighting you for years, and now you're doing it to yourself. You do not want this man back. Stop deluding yourself. He's a shit person who made you feel like shit. Good riddance.

I know this and I know what he has done and continues to do. I looked up trauma bonding from a previous post and this is exactly how it is! Maybe some professional counselling would help??

How did you give up smoking? I bet it wasn’t by continuing to buy cigarettes and beg them to let you smoke them!! He’s another addiction and you need to go cold turkey to get rid of him. You can do it. If you can quit nicotine, you can quit a shit bag like him

And yes maybe some counselling too. Plenty of help available online if you don’t want to spend a lot, but if you can afford some professional help it’s a great way to focus your recovery.

@LKB0709

No, nothing was in the divorce document. We had an agreement that it would be Tues and Thursday one week and Friday and Saturday The next. That way we both had every other weekend to go out with friends etc. He always messes around with the weekdays and last week he decided to go on holiday with his mate for four days which went into his weekend! I told him categorically “you won’t be seeing her on Saturday seeing as you didn’t stick to the arrangement.” DD is not really fussed either way about him personally but he will buy her anything she wants, let her eat crap, doesn’t have a set bedtime etc. All things that make me look like the boring nagging mum and him the superhero!! I know that when the time comes i will find someone when I least expect it but that just seems like I could never imagine myself having dinner, going on holiday, being intimate with someone else. It’s actually scary to me just thought of talking to another man in any sexual/flirty way.

The first time I was intimate with new partner I was so scared, even just kissing was odd. My ex told me when I was pregnant with DD that he was glad because at least no one would want me now and want my body. That really affected my self worth, I put weight on before DD was born as I was put in the medical menopause so went from a size 8 to a size 14 within a couple of months. So he never made me feel low about my weight because no one would want me. Then I got really ill when pregnant and dropped down to 8 stone ish with nothing that fit. I believed my Ex and my new DP is having to try correct all the bad things my Ex did to my confidence, security and views of my body. But every day it gets easier and he talks openly when something is wrong which Ex never did. We met by tinder because he needed someone to talk to during lockdown and I was just finding my feet, we talked like old friends. Finally met after lockdown and he supported me through family court against Ex. You will get time for yourself, and you will meet someone. Rome wasn't built in a day, just start small and build up

I mentioned trauma bonding, the advice at the bottom of this link might be helpful.
I didn’t pay for counselling but spent lots of time reading up on abusive relationships and that’s what helped me make sense of things.
You need to wean yourself off him bit by bit. Knowing why this is tricky is helpful.

broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/trauma-bonding/

He’s still dictating every aspect of your life.

And he’s reduced you to begging a father who stays up all night on drug binges to come back.

I’m not judging you, trauma bonding is real, but when you break it down like that you can see what he’s done to you.

Those wounds will take a while to scab over but all the time you’re picking at them, they won’t. You need to break the habit of contacting him. That change will start the healing.

Why are you even giving any headspace to thinking about a new relationship?

You need to work out how to operate as a single parent and be by yourself.

Focus on your own resilience and finding friends, life etc away from him.

@Montague22

Look up trauma bonding

Excellent point & here is a good place to start - www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136

OP, your healing is being arrested by your continued contact with Ex. You cannot begin to recover until he is out of your head so that you can think clearly again.
I know this is easily said, but harder to do.
As you cannot simply tell your feelings to change, & your emotions are understandably a rollercoaster right now, I suggest you take control by implementing some practical steps.

I find myself on the phone to him, sobbing my heart out, practically begging him to try again.
THIS has got to stop my dear. (See trauma bonding).
For your own mental health, you need to be as Low Contact as can be managed.
When you are Low Contact, you reduce the opportunities for him to bitch at & control you further with tactics like -
He’s made comments before along the lines of “get your own friends” “stop trying to be friends with my mates” etc etc.

Also -
I’d also become close to a lot of wives/partners of his friends and feel that now I will have to distance myself.
This is classic narc behaviour - believing that he owns those friends, that they are his puppets & he gets to control who interacts with them. It's bullshit, They are your friends! - you made them, you developed relationships with them, & he has no business telling you who you are "allowed" to associate with. It is just another cliche from "The Script" abusers use to isolate their prey.

You can implement the Low Contact by buying some Co-Parenting software & making the firm decision that, from now on, all communication with Ex is via that platform alone & - brace yourself! - you can then delete & block him on all socials & your phone/email.
Get the software, advise him that this is for DC comms only, then ... take the plunge & block him everywhere else.
He is likely to kick up a stink, but you won't hear it, because you will have blocked him. And believe me - if he thinks the only way he can get at you is via the Co-Parenting software, he will use it.

This leads into the next practical step, which is managing his contact time with DC. It's no surprise that he is messing you about - he does it because he believes the world revolves around his whims, but of course he also does it to upset & control you.
So your next step is legal: you need court-ordered contact days so that he can no longer mess you about.
He doesn't turn up/asks to re-arrange? Tough, He missed that contact, & has to wait for the next one.

Co-Parenting software is your friend here again.
It will hold the contact schedule info, & record all messages.
It will show a pattern of who is the reasonable parent, facilitating access & ensuring DC is available on time - & who is flaking out. It will prove that you have a schedule for contact, & that he needs to adhere to it or lose out.
Any abusive or manipulative messages he sends you there will be stored - along with all the polite & reasonable communication from your side.

It IS over OP - you have to start acting like it is.
You have to protect yourself by going LC, transferring all contact to a Co-Parenting platform, blocking him elsewhere, & getting a legally binding contact schedule set up.

@LKB0709

I must also note that I gave up Smoking 9 days ago with the help of Zyban. They can cause depression so not sure if they are contributing to me feeling low. On the flip side, he smoked 30 a day so I could never have done it being with him and no matter how rubbish he makes me feel, I’m never touching another cigarette again

That's the spirit OP! Well done you. Use that determination, find your anger, cut this man out of all aspects of your life bar the Co-Parenting software.

One of the the posts mentioned me in another relationship - please understand that is not even a thought that is remotely interesting to me. Point I was making is that I didn’t think I could ever be with someone else because of my attachment to him.

I originally posted because I genuinely thought I was losing my mind and without being able to talk to friends and family that merely judge, I needed some advice.

I Appreciate the comments made so far and tough as some are to read, they are all right.

I’ve just downloaded “our family wizard” app and will start to use that from now. He is blocked on everything accept my personal email but I can see if I can block him on there too.

DD is with him this evening so I plan to use my gym membership that I’ve paid for for 9 months and not used, to get out of the house and go swimming.

It’s going to be one day at a time but I know that it is over and that the man I’m craving was just an act and never really real. I just need to remind myself of that every time I feel sad.

Well done

It’s so hard

I just wanted to share an extract from an email I received for Ex husband’s next victim. I’ve copied it below.
This is so you don’t imagine his next relationships will be healthy. The same destructive patterns will continue.

This helped me know it wasn’t ‘me’ that was the faulty one in the relationship. There want anything I could do to fix us or create a fairytale ending.
(this next victim was a successful and intelligent medical doctor).

However, there might be some reflection to do around your boundaries and self esteem. Counselling might be useful around this, is there anything that made you vulnerable at the start of this relationship?

‘I'm sorry if this email seems completely random and I know that you want nothing to do with him.I just feel that no matter how I explain things to my friends they'll never truly understand whereas you have seen it all, I'm sure, from X. Our relationship has escalated beyond belief and I am so embarrassed with myself as to what has happened. I sincerely hope that you find the man that you deserve and that you get to experience what real love is, and knowing that you've been able to remove him from your life (not entirely, but near enough) gives me hope that I can regain who I was before I met him.

Once again I apologise if this email is completely random and I don't really know what I hope to gain from sending it, but I just needed to write to someone who understands what it's like to know X.’

If he’s a narcissistic then you would be unwise to think it’s over. Here are just some of the ways they continue abuse:-
Threatening full custody/taking you to court/attempting to bankrupt you
Seeing/not seeing the kids in such a way as to completely disrupt your life
Endangering your kids- leaving them alone, leaving windows open near toddlers/hitting the kids/ poisoning them against you
Attempting to not pay child support or become self employed so you don’t get their money
Telling lies about you/ having their friends harrass you/contact you so it doesn’t get traced to them
Attempting to take your kids overseas
Borrowing money then not paying it back or saying loan repayments are child maintenance

I am sure there are more and sorry to be negative. My advice is minimal contact all by text, build a good support network, stay strong and teach your child to stay strong too as narcs don’t just go for adults. All the best op. Forewarned is forearmed.