Divorcing a narcissist but can’t accept it’s over.

[LKB0709]

Anyone else been married to a narcissistic arsehole and find that when the divorce is going through they make you feel worthless and shit? Even to the point that you can’t see yourself with anyone else in the future? This is where I am!!
Ten years together, 6 married, 7 year old child. Financially independent and just bought my own house (no finances from ex). Big family, small group of friends.
I find myself being an emotional wreck thinking that I’ll never be with anyone else. I don’t talk to my family or friends about it because they will tell me I’m well rid, I know I am and I know I can do better but Why can I not just accept this and move on?! I find myself on the phone to him, sobbing my heart out, practically begging him to try again. I know I should not be with him, he brings nothing good to my life but I still have this feeling of overwhelming sadness.
I cant wait for the day that the pig wakes up to no emails or msgs from me. Anyone else felt like this? How did you get out of the rut and how long did it take?

He filed the divorce which is the best thing for me (he can not try to ever claim any of the house I have bought)

Have you had advice from a solicitor OP? Is a financial order / clean break order in place?

I’ve just downloaded “our family wizard” app and will start to use that from now. He is blocked on everything accept my personal email but I can see if I can block him on there too.
Well done - a great forst step.
Before you block him on your email, send him a final, unemotional message that you have installed Our family Wizard , send him the link he needs, & inform him that all contact comms will now be managed on that platform.
DO NOT explain that you will then be blocking him on email - just do it, as soon as you have sent that final message.

DD is with him this evening so I plan to use my gym membership that I’ve paid for for 9 months and not used, to get out of the house and go swimming.
Get you! A non-smoker who can now establish her own swimming routine :)

Another small practical step you can take is to start implementing activities for you & DC to enjoy. Book them in, write them in your calendar, have a few things to look forward to every week. Even small things like a film night at home with favourite food, make it special with fairy lights or making a 'nest' out of cushions & blankets - get DC anticipating these little rituals too.

You are a survivor OP.
You have managed a narcissistic marriage with amazing strength, all you need do now is reward yourself by working on your resilience - & part of that is making sure you enjoy life & all the small pleasures it offers.

I don’t think there was anything that made me particularly vulnerable. When we met I couldn’t have met a nicer person - loving, affectionate, generous, fun, compassionate. He was all of those things. That was until he knew he had me where he wanted me! I should have walked the first time he decided not to come home after a night out and ignore my hundreds of calls and texts but I didn’t. I know this allowed his behaviour and over the years it got worse and worse. Add a child into the mix and bingo - he’s got me where he wants me, knowing full well I’m at home with a baby, on my own!
I’m just thankful I never gave up my job because I have worked very hard to have a successful career and be financially independent but he would always tell me to jack it in and be a housewife and a mum, just like his mum was!

@switswooo

He filed the divorce which is the best thing for me (he can not try to ever claim any of the house I have bought)

Have you had advice from a solicitor OP? Is a financial order / clean break order in place?

We agreed on the divorce papers that there would be no splitting of funds so there is no monies to divide. I rented a Council house and have just bought it, he has never been down as living with me here and my will says all goes to DD in trust if she’s under 21. He owns jack shit other than a flash watch and expensive clothes, all the while universal credit pay his rent 🤣

Have a lovely swim, OP! You’re making great strides ahead!
One more thought as you mention a will - does it make clear what arrangements are to be for the care and control/custody of DD if you
die before she is 18?

You may find it useful to look up Quora.com
There is a huge online community specifically about surviving narcissists. Thousands of stories of breaking free and escaping. It is encouraging, strengthening and supportive.
I found it useful to know I was not alone and gained some useful tips for moving forward.
Be kind to yourself. You have been traumatised and mentally imprisioned for a long time. Healing will take some time and work.
All the best for your recovery. xx

@Clarinet1

Have a lovely swim, OP! You’re making great strides ahead! One more thought as you mention a will - does it make clear what arrangements are to be for the care and control/custody of DD if you die before she is 18?

No I haven’t, this is something I need to consider. He would want full custody but I know that he wouldn’t be capable of caring for her and looking after her properly 7 days a week.

@2catsandhappy

You may find it useful to look up Quora.com There is a huge online community specifically about surviving narcissists. Thousands of stories of breaking free and escaping. It is encouraging, strengthening and supportive. I found it useful to know I was not alone and gained some useful tips for moving forward. Be kind to yourself. You have been traumatised and mentally imprisioned for a long time. Healing will take some time and work. All the best for your recovery. xx

Thank you for your kind words.

I am slowly realising I’m not crazy or a psycho or any of these things I’ve been labelled. It’s quite scary how someone can do this to you. X

Get a paper and pen and write down your dream future. Then start working towards it in small steps. Start focusing on your future.

It's so hard to break a trauma bond, the person that has hurt you is the person you want to comfort you. But find your own comfort and you'll be ok.

@TuscanApothecary

Get a paper and pen and write down your dream future. Then start working towards it in small steps. Start focusing on your future.

It's so hard to break a trauma bond, the person that has hurt you is the person you want to comfort you. But find your own comfort and you'll be ok.

“the person that has hurt you is the person you want to comfort you.”

This sentence has hit the nail on the head. I need to find other ways to comfort myself. Any suggestions welcome.

We agreed on the divorce papers that there would be no splitting of funds so there is no monies to divide. I rented a Council house and have just bought it, he has never been down as living with me here and my will says all goes to DD in trust if she’s under 21. He owns jack shit other than a flash watch and expensive clothes, all the while universal credit pay his rent 🤣

Ok, I think I would have waited until the order has been approved by a judge before buying a property. (or maybe it already has been?)

I understand what you are saying but it wasn’t feasible to wait. I had to go through a long process to even get to this point and now I have to have extensive structural works done, with interest rates rising I would have been stretched to get the mortgage.

@Dishwashersaurous

Why are you even giving any headspace to thinking about a new relationship?

You need to work out how to operate as a single parent and be by yourself.

Focus on your own resilience and finding friends, life etc away from him.

This. Don't worry about your future too much.

Focus on being comfortable in your own company, self love, set little tasks each day. Look at DownDog app, that got me through my break up

Tbh OP I just got sick of being treated like I didn't matter and sick of having to battle in an argument to be listened too. I got sick of making excuses about his childhood making him selfish ect and sick of feeling like I couldn't manage my kids and my job whilst feeling in a constant state of brain fog trying to find a way to make myself the problem so I could fix it. I also had a rubbish childhood and his behaviour was completely retraumatising me!

I found the crappyfairy on YouTube. I started her daily practice of writing down your fears every morning or when becoming dysregulated. I kept writing, every day about how scared I was that my marriage had turned out like this and I meditated every morning and night. I let go of those fears. I didnt need him or anyone else to validate my feelings. I made plans to go away with my dc, plans around my garden, changed my furniture in my house around, sorted out my debt, went on Meetup and joined a few virtual groups, rang my friends and went out with them more, I really focused on my happiness. I don't need his comfort anymore and I've built up happiness around me.

I've had a couple of wobbles and ended up back with him for a few days at a time but I knew it wasn't right. Each time became shorter and shorter and now, now I don't entertain it. I literally see through him when he does his angry act, when he does his crying act, when he does his I love you so much act. It doesn't touch me emotionally anymore. Don't concentrate on getting him out your head or whatever, concentrate on the good you can add to your life and you'll soon find that you naturally don't want him to comfort you anymore as you're too busy loving your life to even be in a position to be hurt by him. You won't be able to draw up your boundaries until you feel a bit happier so don't beat yourself up. Start with writing every morning and night - I have fear .... I have resentment because I have fear.... I release these fears and seek focus and inner calm today. Honestly really helped me.

@TuscanApothecary that is really helpful.
I’m in the process of having a big extension started on my house and since Christmas I’ve moved my living room furniture around too, just to make watching a film etc feel different to when he would turn up.
On my home from the gym I plan to stop at Tesco, get a note pad and candles and really focus on me and what I want.
It’s also easier knowing you had wobbles and wasn’t the only one. Not long ago we ended up in bed together and the next day he told me “it was just sex”. That ripped me to pieces but I would have still taken him back if he asked. I need to learn to say no more. EVER!!!
I feel a sense of relief on here and knowing I’m not the only one that’s gone through this and also knowing people come out of it the other side gives me hope x

Marking place as this may well be my future sorry to resurrect a zombie but running out the door here!