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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is something wrong with DP

32 replies

Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 20:37

Hi all, I am not sure what how to say this or what I even want to say but I’ve been with DP for nearly 6 years ago and we’ve been engaged for 2 1/2 years and got 2 children together. We are happy but something is niggling us both.. it’s come to our realisation that DP cannot conduct himself socially very well at all and he is terrible at communicating.

Our neighbour has commented since we both but our house on the market that she doesn’t like him as he is rude and unapproachable, DP has a very strange relationship with his family where no one seems close with one another and none of his family seem to acknowledge me or the children..

We have always had a really good relationship where we talk well to one another but in 2020 just after our son was born he got fired because he had been in trouble at work since 2019 when I had poor health after our oldest DC was born. He told me that he didn’t tell me due to being worried about my mental health but I said I would rather have known than not known.

I said I would always rather know things than not.. skip to present day and he messaged family asking for an update on some inheritance we are waiting for which is part of the condition of our house purchase because we have debt and family have basically scolded him and told him he was crass..

I’ve told him I think he has a problem socially conducting himself but i can’t put my finger on what it could possibly be? He is 3 years older than me and sometimes I don’t know how he even functions without me at times 🙁

OP posts:
SnapperAqua893 · 16/02/2022 20:42

He must have some good qualities for you to have two children together ?

IsDaveThere · 16/02/2022 20:46

It's taken you 6 years to realise he isn't very sociable?

Not sure what the getting sacked from work or asking about an inheritance has got to do with anything.

Briarshollow · 16/02/2022 20:51

You both don’t sound great. I’m struggling to follow this post.

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 20:51

Oh he does.. lots.. to many too even name! He is so loving and kind and the best father to our 2 children. He is wonderful and I honestly cannot even thank my lucky stars enough that he is mine.. he just doesn’t know how to conduct himself socially that’s all and he doesn’t know how to deal with awkward situations etc.

Our neighbour doesn’t like him because he never openly starts a conversation and he always seems to be in a hurry.. he didn’t tell me about the work worry because our son had been born early and the year before I had a illness from pregnancy which required surgery so things weren’t easy.

This family member has accused him of being crass which is a bit harsh considering it’s been nearly 10 months and we are going to be using some of the money for the new house purchase which is due to complete any time soon and we put the offer in on the property 5 months after we knew that was the case.

I feel bad for him because since I pointed out he doesn’t handle himself well socially he feels even more on edge about it so it is vicious circle. He didn’t respond to the family member at all so it’s been a couple of weeks and he’s not heard from any other family either to say whether it was crass or not or update him Hmm

OP posts:
Gowithme · 16/02/2022 20:51

I can't quite tell what you're saying here? Are you saying he might have ASD as indicated by his lack of social skills? Why was he fired from work?

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 20:53

@Briarshollow why don’t we both sound great? Please elaborate?

OP posts:
Stroopwaffle5000 · 16/02/2022 20:53

@IsDaveThere

It's taken you 6 years to realise he isn't very sociable?

Not sure what the getting sacked from work or asking about an inheritance has got to do with anything.

OP didn't say he wasn't sociable. She said he has difficulty conducting himself socially which could be a reason why he was sacked and why the neighbours don't like him. It may be social anxiety or antisocial behaviour for example.
Wrenna · 16/02/2022 20:54

What is your Aibu?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 16/02/2022 20:55

Have a read up on inattentive adhd op. Covid and home 24/7 made it quite clear my dh is a candidate.
And we had been together 7 years!
Never noticed.. Life got in the way.

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 20:56

@Gowithme- that’s the thing I don’t know what it could be I just know he socially struggles with conversations and how to talk to people.. he always passes the phone to me to speak to people and as I say he doesn’t have a close relationship with his side of the family because he doesn’t think to wish happy birthdays etc. (He has openly admitted he is not great about even thinking about this sort of stuff)

He got fired because when our daughter was born I had an illness which went undiagnosed for 2 months after she was born and I had been suffering whilst I was pregnant but no one knew. He started working from home more often than his contract had agreed and then when our son was born early he carried on with the working from home to be around our daughter, Late from lunch as he was at the hospital with our son etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 20:58

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping I will have to read into that thank you.. I just don’t know what it could be

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:01

@wrenna my AIBU is mainly am I being unreasonable for pointing it out without getting more information on what it could be if anything beside I might make it worse, also AIBU to think that he should doing more to work out what it is rather than leaning on me.

I had to tell him that he was wrong for not responding to his family because they will more than likely think he was being crass now and that he should have told me that they sent him that because brushing it under the carpet and ignoring the fact that you got it won’t help the situation when you next see family because you’ll remember that they said that and you will feel even more anxious

OP posts:
usernameshistory · 16/02/2022 21:01

Did his family support him emotionally at all when growing up? Or were they emotionally neglectful? Is the pattern of him being on the periphery (his family ignoring yours, their curt responses to him etc) the normal dynamic? He may be struggling within himself because of years of this affecting his very sense of who he is. Just one angle.

CaptainMerica · 16/02/2022 21:02

Your neighbour sounds incredibly rude. Your DH doesn't owe her a conversation. I am surprised you are blaming your DH rather than telling her where to go.

GreenDressRedWine · 16/02/2022 21:02

Do you think he could be autistic? What do your family and friends think of him?

seriouslyenoughalready · 16/02/2022 21:03

Have a read about autism, see whether he identifies with this and approach GP for assessment if it is familiar. There will be a very long waiting list though

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:05

@usernameshistory I think they all kind of struggle with acting like a family due to the massive amount of loss they have encountered. My DP’s mum had passed away before we met and he was in his early 20’s but he didn’t really handle that very well and talk to his family or anything and his extended family lost their mother too, he sort of acted like he was strong and could work through anything and sort of moved away from his family emotionally..

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/02/2022 21:07

Re the inheritance, did he message say his Mum and it's her Mother, or Husband that's died? It could be insensitive, but you are entitled to your inheritance and shouldn't just let this go. If you the estate is still going through probate, they should be updating you.

From your description of his family it could be an emotional abuse/socialisation issue. It depends on what he was like at school and before meeting you. It could be social anxiety, or something else, it depends on what other areas of his life is like.

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:09

@CaptainMerica- I’m not blaming him as yes I agree it is rude telling me that she thinks he is rude because he doesn’t start conversations with her or talk when they are putting the bins out.

I think his main issue is that he doesn’t like to be emotionally vulnerable.. the neighbour used to ask how I our son was whilst he was in hospital and apparently he would answer in short sentences so that was one reason she thought he was rude. He didn’t ask work for help in 2019 when I was sick because he didn’t want to seem not on the ball but it always ends up making it worse in a way

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/02/2022 21:09

I feel like you already have a theory and you want people to suggest it.

You have been with him 6 years and chosen to have 2 children with him. Has anything changed recently that has made you rethink?

Ponoka7 · 16/02/2022 21:09

X post, it sounds as though he has become emotionally distanced and somewhat shut down. He isn't used to, or brought up to communicate well. He can turn things around with a lot of work. It will mean that he has to start sharing everything.

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:12

@Ponoka7- the inheritance is from a grandparent rather than parent and the family member is a cousin who text him like that, no one defended him or said anything else so he felt kind of shunned and kicked to the sidelines.

They all know we have two children and are due a house move.. he had sent all the paperwork back in December and everyone had messaged in the same chat in December to say that they had done the same so he kind of wanted to know what else if anything was outstanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:16

@TheYearOfSmallThings nothing had changed about the way I love him and we are equal partners and I would always support him and that’s why I feel so awful that family have called him crass and that I feel awful because I pointed out he isn’t great at communicating socially about his problems that I could have made it worse.

He is great at communication everything else apart from stuff that might mean he looks weak or rude or vulnerable so yeah it is an emotional thing.

He does a podcast for his hobby and he plays tabletop games so in person games but he doesn’t struggle with any of those kind of interactions.

So maybe it is a nervous thing and maybe I make him nervous and I don’t want that Confused

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 16/02/2022 21:36

Hi OP, possibly the first thing to do is look up social anxiety - it might help work out what other behaviours he is displaying.

It's not uncommon; most people with it avoid social interaction or are very funny, so it perhaps seems more unusual than it really is.
You're not unreasonable to make your DP aware of it; what he's now displaying is that he needs help dealing with it.

You can speak to Mind to see if he can get access to a counsellor/coach so he can talk about the difficulties he has.

Also make sure you tell him repeatedly about what a great father he is. Hiw much you love him etc.

Don't jump to conclusions about a disability until you've done enough research to think it could be, and then your GP should be able to help. Just be aware that adult services are horrifically under-resourced, so it might not be a quick journey to a diagnosis. And if he is neurodiverse, then my experience is it's great! My hubby was an undiagnosed autistic. He was brilliant at talking to people, but he hardly ever wanted to go out and he loathed shopping. My DS is diagnosed ASD, he is quite amazing. His college principal singled him out to be interviewed on TV. Having neurodiversity is not a bad thing, it's actually useful in bringing in new perspectives.

Wishing you both the best. I hope the inheritance comes through soon - it's not crass, btw to ask about it. The person who died has left it for you because they want you to have it. If I die and money isn't put to work quickly, I'm coming back to haunt someone, lol!!!

Original poster
Newjourney2894 · 16/02/2022 21:47

@Dibbydoos thank you so much for that advice! I honestly didn’t want to sound like I was judging him but yes since 2018 we have realised he struggles with some social interactions..

I don’t tell him as much as I should how wonderful he is as a father and a partner and when he lost his job I didn’t react in the best way as I was on maternity and I had to return to work sooner and wasn’t comfortable leaving my DS who was premature but we had honest and frank conversations which after a bit of pushing and coaxing he tends to open up and be honest.

He had another situation which he realised he handled poorly when all his friends reacted badly to our pregnancy in 2018 and they accused me of all sorts trapping him etc and instead of telling them exactly how he felt and getting them to sort it out he tried to please everyone and maintain a friendship with them even though they did not acknowledge our child’s birth

OP posts:
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