My father (age 84 next month) has been diabetic pretty much all his life and has recently been hospitalised every two or three months due to his blood sugar being unstable. My mother has always been extremely abusive, these days it would be called coercive control, she physically and emotionally abused myself and my brother to the point my brother hasn’t spoken to her for 30 years and she has never been allowed to meet my niece. I started abusing drugs and alcohol at the age of 13 and have struggled ever since. She is manipulative and cruel and lacks empathy. My dad always fended for himself meals-wise because my mother was always a shockingly bad cook and in fact growing up we practically lived on bread and marge. She herself spent the housekeeping money on stuff for herself. She took everything out on us and we were physically punished on a daily basis for no reason other than she was annoyed with something. It didn’t matter how hard we tried to “behave”, there was always a reason for her to hit us. It was almost ritualised as it followed a pattern.
My dad was belittled by her and she used to pick arguments and shout at him for ridiculous petty excuses and he kept out of it, apologising years later for not doing anything to stop her.
I can’t go to a dentist now because as a child, 7 years old, I went to get a tooth removed and in those days they knocked you out and I woke up too quickly, mouth full of blood, very scared and was crying and my mother told me off for making a scene and when I got home I got an absolute hiding.
Other things included locking us in the cupboard under the stairs, locking us in the coal house or garden shed, making me wait at the bottom of the stairs for “the men from the bad girls home” to come and collect me… and I learned I was adopted very abruptly one day when I was getting punished yet again and she said that’s why I was so “wicked”, because I was adopted.
So basically I don’t trust her to look after my dad now that he’s frail and also going senile. She lies if confronted (eg I expressed my concern that now that he isn’t cooking his own meals and staying on top of his blood sugar etc, she might not be giving him the right nutrition, as it’s already clear that his blood sugar is all over the place. He has almost died twice last year and had to be given CPR by the paramedics. She replied that she always makes healthy meals, she makes a cooked breakfast and makes sure he eats plenty of fruit and veg but then a few days later she said she hasn’t eaten properly during the pandemic as she hasn’t been able to do much in the kitchen due to her dodgy hips. So clearly she isn’t at all making these “healthy”, diabetic-friendly meals.
In addition the house is a disgrace (it always was and we kids used to get punished for that, even though it was her lack of housework to blame, and we never knew when we came home from school whether or not she was going to kick off about the mess, so we were always terrified to go home. I still (at the age of 57) have nightmares that I wake up from shouting or crying because of her abuse. My dad was always a kind and gentle man and he used to just acquiesce for a quiet life as she was so horrible.
I told her she needs to get a care assessment and she said it’s ok she can manage, but I meant a care assessment for my dad, and she said she didn’t want anyone coming in until she has had a “de-clutter”, but that will never happen because she is lazy and spends her time watching TV.
In short I am extremely concerned for my father. I used to work with over 55’s with complex needs as a Support Worker in temporary accommodation so I know there are abuse and vulnerability concerns.
Am I being unreasonable to insist on social services going out to do a care assessment on my dad without her being in the room?
I have to add here I am unable now to do much myself due to having 4th stage cancer and recovering from recent bout of chemotherapy and radiotherapy as well as having bone marrow edema and hairline fractures in my spine and the back of my hip from the radiotherapy.