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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want another baby?

45 replies

keyhole · 01/01/2008 21:10

I have two beautiful dd's (4 and 2) and am blessed. But... I have this constant ache for another. DH says we can't afford it and has always said he wanted two. He worries that we won't afford the mortgage if I have a years maternity leave (which we probably wouldn't) .... I know in my head all the facts and figures but I can't let it go. I feel we only have a limited 'child making ' time and then a lifetime of sorting out the debt. Our only real debt is the mortgage, we are fairly high earners and as I work part time, I have always reasoned that I can make up any deficit by getting a full time post and climb ladder once girls are older.

I worry that this could put a strain on our relationship. I love my dh and girls soooo much, I don't want to sour things and I would never "accidentally" fall pregnant. BUT I also think life is so short and I don't want to have regrets. At the moment I feel that I have another baby in me I just haven't made it yet - does that sound unreasonable or just down right strange? Would appreciate thoughts ....

OP posts:
madamez · 01/01/2008 21:13

THing is, you can't help having feelings, though you can help acting on them. Though your DH is not wrong to worry about the economic implications of a 3rd DC (you might have to buy a new car, hotel rooms etc become more complicated as the world is mainly set up for a 4-person family unit), you are not wrong to want another baby. How about agreeing with your DH that you will talk about it again in (say) 6 months time if your feelings are still as strong - that way you don't get into this intrenched position of you wanting another and him not wanting another and constant arguing.

joedar · 01/01/2008 21:31

I can understand how you feel I have 4 dd and at 30 feel there is another baby in me.

But I am trying so hard to be practical and look at the finacial, emotional extras that come with another child.

Its very hard for me to make a decision and I wish i could shake a magic wand and have a desicion made for me.

So while I can't help advise just wanted to let you know that someone else feels the same way as you!!

Let me know if you find away out of this dilemma!!

Original poster
keyhole · 01/01/2008 22:13

Thanks for your messages. I agree that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' and I really don't want to get involved in a battle of wills. Though you have made me think, joedar - what if I do have a third will I feel that is enough?!!
How do you know when you're 'done'?

OP posts:
Pickie · 01/01/2008 22:17

Could have been me writing the post. Would love a 3rd DC (always wanted 3) but DH always wanted 2 and 2.5 isnt an option!

I life in hope that an 'accident' will happen

Original poster
keyhole · 01/01/2008 22:22

Do you argue about it Pickie? I have talked it through on few occasions with DH but he is a stubborn bugger and I don't think he will change his mind - unless lotto numbers come in... I don't want it to descend into a battle of wills as I know how blessed I am but I can't help how i feel!

OP posts:
Pickie · 01/01/2008 22:30

Sometimes we do but he knows I cant help it as am so broody!

Dont think he will budge either but I hope that when our life is back on track (DH recovering from near fatal accident)and he has more purpose in life he might come around to the idea.

carmenelectra · 01/01/2008 22:38

i have only just had ds2 and i feel the same. There is no way iam going to change my mind. I though when i was preg that this would be the last, but now i do not.

I do not want to get older and regret not doing it. You will be unlikely to regret having one. IM going to try end of year. We cant 'afford' it and i do worry about actually managing, eg. double buggy on the bus, ?bigger car, hotel rooms(cost etc etc) but im not going to dwell on that.

Original poster
keyhole · 02/01/2008 09:07

I agree - that is my main worry. Can't see how you would regret having another. I also feel a bit like saying are our girls not great enough to warrant another but maybe that is a bit unreasonable...?

OP posts:
dd666 · 02/01/2008 09:13

we have just one dd i would love 4 dp wants 2 we have reluctantly aggreed 3,
could you not save during the 9months you will be pg to help with mat leave?
with already having two you have most of the bits you will need!
would being at home during your mat leave not mean that you save on childcare for your older dcs?

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 10:35

how old are you keyhole?

Im 37 so cant wait forever.

JingleyJen · 02/01/2008 10:49

I could have written this message!

Dh is an only child and only wanted one child. we have 2 DS's and at the moment we are in stalemate - he says "no more" I and I say "want more!"

Like you I would never engineer an accident I just hope that in the coming months he will think it is a good idea as well.

DS1 was 2.5 when DS2 was born - DS2 is now 15 months and I am hoping that by September (DS2's birthday) Dh will have come round to the idea.
However I am sure that he is hoping that as time goes on I will see glimmers of freedom and won't want to go back to the demanding babystage.

Who knows what will happen - he did say though that if we could make sure we were having a girl that he would be happy to go for it. (that to me is a glimmer of hope!!)

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 10:57

think my dp is kind of hoping i will cahnge my mind as the mths go on and i get more freedom back too, but he will 'let' me have another if thats what i want. HE TOOhad said definitely if we could have a girl!!

madamez · 02/01/2008 13:13

THough my intention is not to upset anyone and I'm aware this is a delicate subject, I don;t entirely agree with the idea that ';you'll never regret it if you do have one', because you might regret having another child. ONe of the reasons I have stopped at one is that I am getting on a bit (43 now) and though conception isn't impossible the risks of problems increase a lot, and I don't think it would be entirely fair to the DS I have to present him with a sibling with severe SN for instance. ALso, if your existing DS have been easy, lovable chldren and the next one is a difficult, whiny, unhealthy or very tantrumy one, that can upset a family dynamic to the point that you might wish you hadn't bothered, as well.

pinetreedog · 02/01/2008 13:22

Wanting more children is irrational. Reasons for not wanting more are usually very rational.

In this sort of stalemate, I'd tend to go with the rational myself.

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 15:08

think the urge for wanting a baby is strong as i think you 'know' when you have had enough.

I agree about the age thing, ive pondered over this(and if something should go wrong)and that is why im going to try this year and try and get preg before im 40.

I have thought will be 'pushing my luck' to have a third?after two healthy children

numptysmummy · 02/01/2008 15:13

This could also be me. I have 4 and am so broody. Dh say's no but sometimes he says never say never. I don't know when i'll have had enough though - what if i have this feeling forever? Or end up with 100 lo's! It's all very well saying go with the ratioal butit really isn't as simple as that. What really gets me is other peoples reactions. They seem to think i'm mental and should be happy with what i've got.

pinetreedog · 02/01/2008 15:15

It could be as simple as that

numptysmummy · 02/01/2008 15:20

Well i wish i knew how then because it isn't for me.

love2sleep · 02/01/2008 15:22

DH and I have always agreed on having 2, but now we have 2 I've also start thinking how lovely it would be to have another baby.

However I've come to realise that although I'd love another baby, I don't really want another child IYSWIM. All I want is the hormonally satisfying babyness of a newborn and IMO that is no reason to have a child.

If you're sure that you're not like me and that you really don't think your family is complete then you need to talk about this with DH. Explain that you need this to be a joint decision so that neither of you ends up resenting the other for making the "wrong" decision.

hattyyellow · 02/01/2008 15:34

I could also have written your post! Also have two DD's and feel somehow that there is another baby waiting somewhere (metaphorically speaking, I'm not that bad a parent that I've left one at the shops!!)

We would struggle financially to have another as we both work and don't have much left over at the moment as it is.

But I agree with your logic, we can also both earn more once the kids are all at school as we work flexibly - so its really a matter of tightening our belts through the toddler years...

I can feel with my work that I'm holding back as I'm always thinking about having another baby - I have my own business but have avoided expanding it too much "just in case"..

Not much advice but empathy! I don't think this feeling goes away - we have been working abroad and wanted to wait until we were back in the UK, so I've been thinking about it for a good year or more now and the feelings don't get any weaker!

My DH swings wildly between not wanting and wanting another one...as the girls get older sometimes its clear how much easier and more adventurous we can be in our plans, holidays etc but also how much fun they are day to day and how much fun a third would be..

Hope you resolve your thoughts - is your DH really not to be convinced?

hattyyellow · 02/01/2008 15:36

ps I don't hugely enjoy the baby stage, so for me it's not a case of just wanting a tiny baby again - it's more to have another child...

DarrellRivers · 02/01/2008 17:20

Keyhole, I could have written your post last year.
(NEW YEar i think encourages thinking about such things)
I wrote a letter to DH about how I felt and how important it was to me that he considered it seriously ,also pointed out the positives and ways around the negtives, also , that when you were old you would never regret another child.

He was suprised at how strong my feelings were about it, and said he would think about it. He oscillated over the next 6 months, and then agreed.
I was over the moon but a bereavement meant things changed for us. We need to live our lives a bit more for today at the moment, so we agreed to not say no to a third (if that makes sense)
I feel happier that we might one day, although I am 35 so aware potentially my fertility is waning.
My points i am trying to make are that people do change their minds, and madamez's point is good, things may well be different in 6m, so agree to revisit idea seriously in 6m
aND also to ensure you don't go crazy, concentrte on some lovely things you can do with extra money if you only have 2 DC
Things will work out fine in the end, but my sympathies, it is v frustrting time
Good luck

MrsTittleMouse · 02/01/2008 18:14

Hm, I think I'm going to buck the trend here. Normally I think that the things that you regret are the things that you don't go for, and I think that a child is a wonderful joy. However when you talk about not affording another child, you don't mention needing to give up Sky TV and foreign holidays, you talk about not paying the mortgage. If you default on the mortgage and are made homeless then it will be a huge stress for all of you, including the DDs that you already have. I think that your first priority is with them. I don't think that you're unreasonable for wanting a child though, you can't control your feelings!

Men are very rational creatures (well, normally ). If I were you, I'd sit down with DH and go through the finances with a fine toothcomb. It could be that there is a lot of "fat" to trim (expensive haircuts/computer games/takeaways/Starbucks etc.) in which case you could start budgeting now as a way to persuade him that everything is OK for another. Or it might become obvious to you that it would mean years of very tight budgeting with no holidays, no new clothes for DDs and worrying the whole time that the boiler will blow up or something will go wrong with the car. On which case you have a lot of hard thinking to do.

No easy answers, and you have my sympathy.

joedar · 02/01/2008 19:09

Love2sleep I too have a sneaking suspicion that my desire is more for a baby than a child.

I am really trying to be honest with myself about my feelings for another as I do agree that it can be regretted.

There are days when my older kids are driving me around the bend and I swear no more kids!!

So I guess what I am saying is, it probably is a good idea to look at the REAL reasons for wanting another.

PINETREE has made a very valid point there about rational and irrational! I think I might have to agree with her even though I want to disagree!!

Pickie · 02/01/2008 19:20

Very good point re having a baby and not a child. I really do miss breastfeeding and those little fat bodies, plus being pregnant was always easy for me (other then SPD all was straight forward) BUT our two do fight a lot at the moment so maybe DH is rational and I am irrational!