Advice needed on SIL

[LVS2627]

Hi,

I'm having sister in law trouble and literally feel I have nobody to discuss this with for the fear of looking awful.

Shes been with my fiances brother for 4 years this August. I've been with my fiance for 6 years. At first I had no issues with her. I found she was pleasant and lovely and quite a shy girl. We got on well. However over the course of the last couple of years she's really been getting on my nerves.

It started about two years ago. She bought a house with my fiances brother in a really lovely area and as it needed a lot of work doing to it my fiances brother asked if he could temporarily move in with us while they where doing it up. He said he would only be there a couple of months. A couple of months turned into 6 months and during this time I saw a completely different side to him and my sister in law. She would come and stay over occasionally at my house and when she did she would sometimes not even say hi and just go straight upstairs to my brother in law. They also both completely disrespected my house. His room was a complete bombsite. They once ordered takeaway at midnight waking up me and my dogs with the sound of the delivery man knocking on the door. My fiance also told his brother that he didn't have to pay any rent to us because he appreciated the fact they where both trying to do up their house and needed the money. However, their money seemed to go on anything but the house. My sister in law is massive on social media and during this time she was constantly posting nights out they had gone on, meals they had gone out for and also a picture of her brand new mini!!!!
Meanwhile me and my fiance where struggling financially as I was still a student nurse at the time and we where renting this house with no help from either of them despite the fact we where massively helping them out even though they where basically in a much better place then us in terms of buying a house, career and money.

There was also an occasion that I invited her out with me and my best mate. She literally barely spoke two words to my friend and was on her phone for the majority of the night. My friend kept trying to ask her questions to start conversations and she didn't seem particularly interested in answering them. Since then my friend has been very wary of her and finds her very rude. In fact a few of my friends and my sister have said this about her.

Shes very materialistic. She also comes across as being very pretentious. Her social media just winds me up. Its just her basically trying to portray this perfect life.
She also has about 5 different social media accounts. One of their house which they've done up, a floristry account cos she's just started doing flowers and also a food account where she constantly posts pictures of meals she made. I literally can't escape her on social media !

Anyway....her and my brother in law have since moved into this new house and it just so happens to be right round the corner from my mother in law and ive gone from feeling super close to my mil to now feeling so pushed out.
When I was pregnant last year I felt like my mil and sil where just constantly together having drinks and I always felt left out. They would never invite me. Everytime I went onto social media there would be some picture of them together and it made me feel so rubbish.
On top of that my fiances family think the sun shines out of her bum and I feel like im the only one who can see her for what she really is! I feel so resentful towards her and part of me wonders if Its just jealously.
A part of it probably is but then I really do just think she's not a very nice person. I think she is selfish, pretentious, a massive attention seeker and rude!!

Whenever she is with my fiances family after one or two drinks she just loves drawing all the attention to herself by dancing around like an idiot or pretending to be absolutly smashed which my fiannces family find hilarious. I find it annoying and I cant even hide it on my face anymore. I dont get how she can be like this with my fiances family but then when she came out with me and my friends she was a completely different person?

Before my baby my partners family would tell me I was the life and soul of the party. I loved to have fun, I still do however i can't quite let my hair down now as I used to with having my 7 month old. I'd also say I'm very much a social butterfly. However, I feel like she's now just completely taken over my place in the family and everything has to be about her. Its driving me insane !!!!

I just feel so inadequate next to her. I've also gone from being super close to my mother in law to now just feeling awkward around her! We've all just been away on holiday as a family and she just had to try and make it all about her for the entire weekend. I literally can't cope with her.

I've tried to speak to my mil about how I feel without giving too much away but she doesn't get it and why would she ? She obviously just sees this 'perfect' dil in front of her.

I'll never forget the time my baby had just been born and the day I came out of the hospital my fiances family all came straight to my house to meet my daughter. It was nice but then I'd not even had chance to text my own family to say I was home.
My family had also unfortunately gotten covid so where unable to meet my daughter straight away.
Anyway...as soon as my sil met my daughter she posted aload of these pictures she had taken with her onto her social media without even asking me and also without taking my family's feelings into consideration knowing they didn't even know i was home yet and they couldn't even meet her straight away. I was fuming. That's just her all over though.

There's been aload of things she's done which I haven't liked but I'd honestly be here all day writing them down. Just wish I wouldn't let her bother me. Its getting to the point now where I literally can't stand being around her and its infuriating me that my fiances family can't see her for what she really is.

Please help !

Delete her off social media? And go low contact?

A fair bit of this sounds like jealously though sorry.

First things first, I'd tell her that you're taking a break from social media and mute her for 30 days. You don't have to hell her in advance but she might notice if you're not 'liking' everything.

You don't like her, that's clear. It sounds like they both disrespected your home so why is it only her that you dislike so much as your bother in law was the one actually living with you?

Her relationship with your future MIL has nothing to do with you, you need to work on that relationship yourself as your comments make you sound jealous. If she's getting married to your fiances brother, she's going to be in your life for a long time so you need to find a way to manage this.

Just don't spend so much time with her. How old are you both?

Oh and mute/hide/delete her social media. You absolutely can get away from her SM, you're choosing not to.

I agree with the above. Snooze her social media for a start and then minimise your contact with her. Comparison is the thief of joy. Do your own thing and let her do her. Don’t try and force a relationship with her but try and be civil when you meet.

The issue was your fiancée not tackling his brother.

Who really cares about social media less they are an insecure teenager.
You are a Mother now with a very small baby, life has to change. You can still go out sometimes but the carefree element of anyone's life disappears when children come along.

I think you miss that part of your life and that is ok to feel that way but your feelings are disproportionate.

She was rude not saying hi and thoughtless posting the pictures but all that SM stuff when people are not teens trying to impress others I just think it’s daft. My SIL is a big poster on SM but is in her fifties and still doing it. I just ignore.

The posting pictures of your baby on social media without asking wasn’t okay. That was poor on her part.

I’m afraid though that the rest of it sounds like a mixture of resentment, jealousy and her taking the fall for your BIL’s behaviour. I wonder whether the situation with her and you feeling overtaken/replaced by her is bringing up something from earlier in your life. I’m sure your partner’s family love you a lot. On lots of SM you can just unfollow - try that for a bit, see if it helps. Remember that lots of people curate their lives for Instagram! It’s rarely that exciting/perfect behind the scenes.

Stop blaming her for things that were your BILs and DH's responsibility, to start with. In your head you've turned it into a popularity contest and it isn't. Your mail can have relationships with who she chooses on whatever level she wants to, you don't own people.
You've lost a bit of identity since being pregnant and you are blaming her for that. I'd say that your dislike of her is making you blow things out of proportion. Did your DP think that the family trip was all about her?

Ok, so you don't like her. It happens.

Delete her of your SM and get on with your own life with dh and dcs.

Maybe you can approach this a different way...

Bearing in mind she's going to be part of your life, you need to find a method of dealing with her that works better for you.

Mute all her social media so that you don't see it any more. If she asks why you don't interact with her social media, tell her you don't spend much time on SM. (You might add that you prefer "real life".)

Try not to waste your mental energy thinking about her or feeling annoyed about her behaviour.

Accept that this is her personality, and she will not change. You can only change the way you react to her.

Consider any feelings of jealousy that you may have and think about why you feel like that, and whether there are things you could do to stop those unwelcome thoughts and feelings.

And finally... don't let her get to you! We're all different after all.

She shouldn't post pictures of your baby online without your permission yanbu there but for the rest I think yabu. You sound jealous and bitter

Just delete the majority of her social media, maybe take a break from it, it doesn't sound like you're getting joy from it and you're just comparing yourself to your SIL. She doesn't sound like she's trying to piss you off

Also you're blaming her for the stuff at your home but you should be blaming your bil

You don’t like her, you’re jealous of her, you find her annoying.

At least the irritation re the baby and her rudeness when at your house does have some cause, so sorry you are landed with her.

But just go low contact, and crack on with your life. Arrange to see your MIL separately (invite her to coffee or whatever), but even in the unlikely event your MIL didn’t want to see you much, it’s not the end of the world.

Don’t bitch about her to other people. They are free to like the women if they want.

I literally can't escape her on social media !
You literally can.
You know how the mute, delete or block buttons work, right?

I'm sorry you are feeling pushed out, especially from MiL's affections, but wonder - is this really the case, or are you conflating the fact that you were pregnant, & now have a baby, so weren't up for the usual social butterfly/party drinking girl activities you associated with MiL?

Instead of trying to get MiL to hate SiL too, try a different tack. Tell MiL that since the baby you feel you've lost some time & closeness with her, & how about e.g. DH has the baby while you & she have lunch, or see a film ... whatever, together?

You don't like your SiL & rather than let it ruin your life I think you need to accept that simple fact, stop obsessing about it, politely Grey Rock SiL socially, & stop blaming her for your feelings.
You don't have to like her, but neither do you need anyone else to dislike her in order to feel an important part of the family again.

You are allowing your dislike to infect your own happiness, & that's just daft. Focus on recultivating some closeness with MiL, & lose the bitterness. It's only hurting yourself.

& FFS get off her social media feeds. All you are feeding is your own monster.

She does sound really annoying. I agree with other posters, do your best to reduce contact (both on SM and IRL). Beyond that, you probably just need to accept that a lot of people have irritating family members and there's not much you can do about it!

I mean, she does sound like a facile, attention-seeking dickhead, but I think this is nothing more than a DIL turf war.

You are blaming your sil for a lot of things that had nothing to do with her. She wasn't living with you so why are you holding her responsible for the state your bil left his room in? It's also weird your blaming her for your bil not paying rent given it was an agreement between your husband and his brother and the fact she wasn't living with you.

posting pics of your new baby online before any of your family met her and without asking your permission is bang out of order and you should have, at the time, told her to take the photos down immediately.

I wouldn't worry to much about her being the 1 in favour at the moment; she has usurped you as 'daughter in law' and yes, you're probably right inasmuch that you are jealous that she has more attention than you. I don't get why you'd want the attention though; don't you have enough of your plate with a young baby etc. You do you. If she is as bad as you say she is, she'll fuck up with PIL and be dumped as the favourite in no time...

For your own sanity, don't give her another moments thought and snooze her on social media!

You and your fiancé need to toughen up your boundaries - you / your fiancé allowed BIL to outstay his welcome. You also failed to make clear your boundaries over photos of your baby, which you ought to have done at the time when she so rudely posted them online.

Moving forward you need to just decide on what's ok and what's not ok and then stick to that. When it comes to her social media, just ignore. Don't invite her out again. Do your own thing with your MIL and ignore what else your SIL does. You are giving an awful lot of your thought energy to this woman, who isn't worth it.

You need to set an example to your baby and model "water off a ducks back". Otherwise your DC will grow up to be the type of person who sweats the small stuff and feels easily stressed out by other people's behaviour. Honestly there are far more important things in life in which to invest your energy.

Perhaps try some meditation?

You do sound jealous of her.
Distance yourself from her and spend time with your family and friends.
The damage was done when the 4 of you all lived together and there were no boundaries/financial arrangements.
Why are you so concerned about your MIL? She is your MIL surely your priorities are the baby and your family and friends?
Move on and have a nice life.
How can you be the life and soul of a party when your priorities have changed, usually the person who is the life and soul of a party is the piss head.

Drama! Just stop following her social media and stop worrying about her. She doesn’t want to be your mate and that’s fine. She sounds like a superficial artificial person, why are you bothered about her?

i can understand that it must be hurtful and annoying that the dynamics have changed! However when you say theat she has 'taken your place' as the life and soul of the party, i think some of the problem is jealousy and loosing your percieved status in the family. You must just let it go. You have more to focus on than chumming up to MIL and going out drinking. Ignore the social media stuff, yes it is annoying and boring but why not post regular pictures of the baby on a familt Whatsapp if you have one.

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries.

You do sound a bit jealous and like you don't really like her.

Your partner said they didn't need to pay rent, which was a bit daft.

Honestly, a lot oc this sounds like jealousy. So she was boring on a night out with your friend.. that's a bit embarrassing but not the end of the world. Just don't invite her out again.

You sound too invested in your fiance's family! Who cares if they like your SIL? If it bothers you just spend less time with them.

You do come across as quite jealous of her.
It was your BIL living with you - why do you hold the irritations from that time against her, and not BIL who was living there with his room in a mess? & not DP, who agreed BIL could stay rent free?
What was her role supposed to be - come round, say an effusive hello and then set to with clearing up afterher partner?