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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you text her?

32 replies

Chocolattay · 14/02/2022 22:54

For transparency, this isn’t me. I’m happily married. It’s a friend’s situation. I have been asked for advice.

Friend is called A. Man is called B.

Friend met A at a new job in July. B immediately was all over her and it was mutual.

It moved very quickly. B was pretty much homeless and living with a friend. He ended up staying with A and it became an every day thing so he practically moved in between July and September. He also asked A for money regularly for takeaways (refused to eat the food she’d had in the house) and once asked her to give him the money to pay for his child support for his child who he doesn’t see.

He essentially rinsed A dry. Suddenly one day B went to work (on A’s day off) and then sent A a message saying he wanted to stay at his friends that night but not to worry because it was only due to having a bad shift. A was upset. The next day B didn’t show up to work and blocked her on everything. He’d quit his job with no notice.

A was devastated. Literally a couple of days later she found he was loved up with some other woman he’d met (they work in a bar, other woman was a customer) and had moved in with her and her child. He appears to have moved in with her the night they met! A decided not to do anything.

Christmas Eve B turns up on A’s door clearly having been kicked out by A. He begged to move back in and when she said no he begged for money. She told him where to go.

Today A has said that she’s seen on social media that B is engaged to the woman, and they’ve been engaged since Christmas Day! It would appear they rowed on Christmas Eve so he tried to come back to A, A has told him where to go, so he realised he needs to go back to the other woman or face being homelessness. So that’s clearly why he proposed.

A wants to message the woman and tell her everything but she’s worried he will retaliate and show up at her door and she also doesn’t know how the woman will react. She also doesn’t know whether it’s her place.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Chocolattay · 14/02/2022 22:54

Ffs messed up in the first sentence. A met B at a new job in July, is what I meant.

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 14/02/2022 22:56

Confusing to follow, but I think your friend needs to block & move on.

Chocolattay · 14/02/2022 22:57

I regret using the letters rather than just ‘he’ and ‘she’, it wasn’t necessary

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 14/02/2022 22:58

A needs to stop worrying about what this loser is up to and work on her own boundaries

Nostrings457 · 14/02/2022 22:58

Hmm morally I would like to say yes I would tell her but in reality I’d probably be so glad I was rid of him, I wouldn’t bother as wouldn’t want the (potential) drama

Chattycatty · 14/02/2022 23:00

Nah don't bother hopefully he'll leave her be now he has this new one

Chocolattay · 14/02/2022 23:01

Personally I feel this man preys on vulnerable desperate women (my friend has had a hard time of it in life and apparently the woman he’s with now has diagnosed mental health issues) and I don’t want my friend to give him another second of thought. I’ve said to her that she doesn’t know what he’s capable of if she messages the woman but she wants him to pay for hurting her. I don’t think she can actually bring herself to do it though, she’s scared.

OP posts:
tkwal · 14/02/2022 23:05

She had a lucky escape. I'm sure the other woman/fiancee will see him for what he is soon enough. If she tries to get in touch he will just paint her as a woman scorned.

AsymQuestion · 14/02/2022 23:06

Even if she told this other woman, (esp. if it's true she let him move in the first night they met), it's unlikely she would listen/leave/have the outcome your friend wanted.

I would leave it. Concentrate on self and own boundaries, have a good self reflect, speak to someone if needed, make changes and move on.

Chocolattay · 14/02/2022 23:06

Friend is absolutely gutted and hasn’t been right since he left her.

I think in an ideal world she’d tell the fiancée, his life would fall apart and she’d be able to watch smugly from afar before moving on with her life.

In reality it will probably just bring a load of shit to her door

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 14/02/2022 23:07

Your friend has escaped and should not look back. Contacting the other woman will be seen as a bitter action particularly if the guy has already primed his new lady about your friend.
Leave well alone. Move on and think herself lucky

Yoyokitten · 14/02/2022 23:08

I would just keep out of it

gobbynorthernbird · 14/02/2022 23:10

Your pal made a daft mistake and hooked up with a hobosexual. She now needs to put it behind her. Far behind.

Oddbobbyboo · 14/02/2022 23:21

Your mate needs to block him and move on. Stirring up his life will probably end up with him being her problem. My exH is a man wife, there are some very gullible women out there. But it’s not her problem. If she were my friend I would be working on her boundaries. That’s the best work I’ve ever done on myself x

pictish · 14/02/2022 23:27

Your friend needs to take the obvious out that’s being presented here and shake him off permanently. I wouldn’t advise contacting the new woman. She’d be better having no involvement at all. He sounds like one to completely avoid.

cuno · 14/02/2022 23:42

I think your friend needs to keep out of it, block and move on. This other woman moved him in the day they met, so she sounds very foolish to begin with.

PainterMummy · 14/02/2022 23:45

Agree with others, she needs to keep out of it. Not to have anything to do with him, including blocking in social media. Good for her for saying no when he tried to come back.

Tell her to use it as a learning experience. 1- she is loveable and a kind/caring person 2 - that there are creeps out there and now she knows what to look out for.

They’ll be someone else out there for her, someone worthy of who she is but she’ll just need to be diligent to wait for a nice hug

LadyGAgain · 15/02/2022 00:06

@Chocolattay

Friend is absolutely gutted and hasn’t been right since he left her.

I think in an ideal world she’d tell the fiancée, his life would fall apart and she’d be able to watch smugly from afar before moving on with her life.

In reality it will probably just bring a load of shit to her door

It wouldn't do this. She needs to move on. Lucky escape and get on with her life. With some self respect.
caranations · 15/02/2022 00:09

My advice to her would be to erase all memory of this man from her brain.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 00:12

A needs to take a good, hard look at herself as to why she allowed this loser to treat her like a doormat, and why her standards are so shockingly low. What he's doing now and who he's involved with is none of her concern.

greenlynx · 15/02/2022 00:14

I wouldn’t contact new woman, who knows what he’s capable of.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 15/02/2022 00:17

He will have already spun a lie saying your friend is crazy and may say x y or z about him. These guys are master manipulators, and your friends time would be better spent working on her boundries and self esteem.

Chocolattay · 15/02/2022 19:17

Unfortunately despite my advice she’s sent the woman the pictures of their conversations. The woman has told her to fuck off and blocked her and now my friend is in a right state.

OP posts:
ReadySteadyTwins · 15/02/2022 19:25

@Chocolattay

Unfortunately despite my advice she’s sent the woman the pictures of their conversations. The woman has told her to fuck off and blocked her and now my friend is in a right state.
Well that was always going to happen. He'll have already painted her as a crazy unhinged woman who's obsessed with him to his "lucky fiancée"

I get that your friend was furious after what he did to her, and wants him to get his just desserts, and in a way, rightly so, he sure deserves to get run over by the karma train. And he will. Maybe not right now, but these types always do. Your friend should not be in a state. Her conscience is clear now. She tried to warn the woman. And the woman didn't want to know. More fool her.

Your friend needs to move forwards now, and not give either of these any headspace. He's a twat. Who cares what a twat is doing.

sonjadog · 15/02/2022 19:35

That was the most likely outcome of her contacting the new woman. However, maybe it will give your friend the impetus to move on with her life and put this behind her now.

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