To just want to walk away from my teens for good

[Strawberry33]

Honestly at my last tether with them. Everything is a fight and an effort. They aren’t even bad kids but wow I can’t cope with the constant effort and battle every minute of the day.
I’m so tired.
Hanging on by a very thin thread.
I have a boyfriend in wales. Should I just walk away and let their dad look after them for once?

Please don't op. Ime teens need you more than ever!!
After exh tried to seriously sabatage our relationship for years the best years (when they saw him for his abusive self) were 13 - 18 when they really needed me. Now 18 and 20 they are amazing lads..

Why not? They sound very difficult and ungrateful

Mine have just argued for 15 minutes about who gets which bed in our hotel room. Everything is an argument, no-one ever backs down. It's so wearing. I want to walk out and leave them in the hotel, have a nice dinner by myself.

Oh lord he I've been there! Still am tbf

So awful I feel for you, have wanted to just walk so many times...
I think we need a new hold onto the rope thread. It helped me a few years back

They really manage to get under your skin don't they?

Please don’t leave them, when they are behaving badly is when they need you the most. Try to defuse anger with humour, retreat with a book and a glass of wine, but always be there for them. No harm in taking pre arranged breaks, but not in anger.

I've tried searching for it
Can any one help with that thread?

'Hold onto the rope'

I understand. I have one sensible teen, and even he has his moments. And the other is self harming and overwhelms me.
I just hope I can get them to Uni and have a break then.

Is it this one? If so, it goes through my mind daily!

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you

I should go on Dragons’ Den with my invention - the Teenager Barrel (TM). It is a barrel, into which you out your child when they hit the teenage years - you feed them through the bunghole, and when they turn 20, you decide whether to let them out or drive in the bung.

A smaller version might be available for the Terrible Twos.

[quote christinarossetti19]Is it this one? If so, it goes through my mind daily!

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you[/quote]
Ok that just made me bawl my eyes out 😭

YABU OP, they need you more than ever. Just try to switch off from it.

I feel like this too and my eldest isn’t even quite 13. He’s breaking me (youngest still a poppet). My DH died five years ago so it’s only me, all the time.

It’s wrecking, isn’t it? I feel like I’m failing all the time.

Tempting, but you know you can’t. Teens are a challenge.

Ah please don't do that, it definitely make sure their dad is pulling his weight! I'm scared now, my kids will.all be between 18 and 13 at once

Here it is to save people clicking...

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

I feel like this with my primary age DC, what hope do I have?!

What are you battling over?

As the child of a mother who did just that when I was 12, don’t.

Just don’t.

For a week's break, yes go for it. Permanently? No.

I feel like this regularly. Last week I told them I wanted a different, nicer family who talked to me and appreciated me. Theyve been making an effort ever since but it wont last.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I should go on Dragons’ Den with my invention - the Teenager Barrel (TM). It is a barrel, into which you out your child when they hit the teenage years - you feed them through the bunghole, and when they turn 20, you decide whether to let them out or drive in the bung.

A smaller version might be available for the Terrible Twos.

That's amazing! Definitely a winner!

Honestly, between the age of 14 -16 I thought DS might cause me to completely lose my mind. It was a terrible time which unfortunately clashed with peak peri menopausal symptoms for me. So I felt even less able to cope. He's recently turned 17 and he's coming out the other side. In fact he's almost human!

If it’s for a week, then go and stay with your boyfriend, but don’t leave them fulltime. They need you and love you (despite what they tell you)

It does sound like you need a break though so go and have one.

And having come out of the other end of two teenage girls, it is bloody hard. My main tips are

Pick your battles (to save your own sanity)

If they get louder and angrier, you get quieter and calmer (it will calm them too)

If they tell you they hate you, my reply was always “oh that’s a shame because although you try my patience, I love you!

I sympathise. I have 3 shared with an ex.

One of mine got involved in the wrong stuff. Not only was it the usual teen arguing and non-cooperation, we had smoking, vaping, fighting.Both homes completely smashed up. Both parents and siblings beaten up regularly. Men turned up at one house with baseball bats. The siblings were threated by strangers - with rape, poisoning, violence.

I read that letter and thought yes - my child was struggling. And tough parenting kicks in and you call the police, you beg social services, you call so many people, so many times. But some storms will not blow over. There comes a time when you should let the rope go. We didn't and I wonder if that remains the right choice, every day there is a threat to return to hell.

Now I've got that rant off my chest, OP, yes you probably need a break. You need to breathe have space and re-evaluate if you can - can you put new expectations in at home, make the time for an honest dicussion about expectations etc.

Hang in there, it will be OK - eventually. Definitely carve out some time for yourself, but not in anger. It will keep you slightly saner, it's a long haul.
I was completely thrown by how awful my intelligent, empathic child became towards me - and pretty much just me - during his teenage years. Out the other side, he's one of my favourite people to spend time with - there was genuinely a period of a few years when I thought we'd never rebuild a decent relationship.

@christinarossetti19 - thanks for posting that. I wouldn't have clicked on the link to look for the thread. But I really needed to read it.

You'll get through it, each stage has their moments and its now that they need you most as they start having to take on more responsibility. Mine are 17 and 15, had few moments were I just wanted to scream at them but most of the time they're wonderful and will always be my babies. As ex isn't around most of the time, they need one consistent parent who is a constant in their lives and can depend on. Don't give up!

I have this with my youngest. Shes 16 and the strops. The other night, shes borrows the laptop, only to drop it down the stairs by accident. No apology. These things happen' people make mistakes she says. I'm stood there open mouthed, just in shock not saying anything, and then she pulls the paddy card and makes it all about her and how shes not good enough and stomps back up the stairs. 2 nights later and shes still peeved with me. It was the remark that got me. Like I got hundreds of quid spare to go and casually buy a new one.