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Original poster

To think a diagnosis would help DP?

28 replies

ash89x · 14/02/2022 11:19

I've been with DP for 15 years and I'm finding some of his 'quirks' increasingly frustrating.

He had a hearing test a few years ago because he was missing a lot of what people were saying and his hearing came back as perfect, he was told he just wasn't listening. He has trouble sitting down to watch a film or tv show, has never been able to finish a book. His memory is terrible.

He's very socially awkward to the point I don't tend to take him out with other friends anymore as it's bad for both of us. He says the most inappropriate things and has no filter whether its us in the house or he's with my friends or strangers.

He owns his own company and works by himself so he's not having that many interactions and most times he comes home and tells me that people have reacted strangely to what he's said. He was working at a wedding and the bride asked if he liked her dress and he replied 'looks the same as all the others' and he genuinely can't comprehend why she was off with him after that.

A few years ago he told me he had wanted to go to a concert (that had passed) but hadn't said anything at the time incase I didn't want to go. I sent him a message this morning to say that the band are touring again and he replied "why are you sending me this?". He reacts negatively to a lot of my suggestions and then tells me afterwards (when I've gone with friends instead) that he actually did want to go.

He has a lot of excellent qualities but I'm finding this increasingly frustrating and I'm wondering if pursuing some kind of diagnosis would help. And which one?

OP posts:
Photolass · 14/02/2022 11:29

Do you think that a diagnosis would change anything?

LucyLocketsBlackCat · 14/02/2022 15:52

If DP is up for it, I think getting a diagnosis might help you both come to terms with his quirks. I expect there are support groups around too.

Sorry, this isn't very helpful, but I don't have any personal experience.

Hugs, OP.

CorrBlimeyGG · 14/02/2022 15:55

What kind of diagnosis would he like to pursue?

MordredsOrrery · 14/02/2022 16:03

What do you think his quirks add up to that can be diagnosed?

Tricked2003 · 14/02/2022 16:13

Easier for DP or easier for you?

Surely it is up to DP to decide if he wants to pursue any kind of diagnosis.

Original poster
ash89x · 14/02/2022 18:22

@Tricked2003

Easier for DP or easier for you?

Surely it is up to DP to decide if he wants to pursue any kind of diagnosis.

Both of us.

He's unhappy that he has no friends and that he feels he is missing out on things.

OP posts:
Original poster
ash89x · 14/02/2022 18:24

@Photolass

Do you think that a diagnosis would change anything?
Well if he was diagnosed with something like ADHD then he could look into some kind of support/help for it.
OP posts:
Westerman · 14/02/2022 18:39

If he wants to, and is willing to put in any necessary work, then I don't see why not.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/02/2022 21:17

Maybe it would. But it’s something he has to want and act on. You can’t do it for him.

Sugartitsorahilly · 14/02/2022 21:30

Diagnosed as what? Where does the line between someone's personality and a pathology begin or end?

Merryoldgoat · 14/02/2022 21:33

A diagnosis may help understand him better but I suspect it won’t change behaviour.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 14/02/2022 21:43

A diagnosis is neither here nor there really. Does he want to change his behaviour?

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 21:45

It has to be his decision, and something he does for his own benefit, if he goes ahead with a diagnosis. Bear in mind there may be nothing to diagnose.
If there is, it won't change him. I'm autistic, a diagnosis hasn't changed the things that led me to think I was neurodiverse, I just understand why, now.

Confrontayshunme · 14/02/2022 21:52

A friend of ours has just been diagnosed with ASD at 35. The diagnosis has come too late for his relationship with his fiancee who couldn't take it anymore. The problem is that now he has the information, it hasn't ultimately changes anything. He is still unwilling to "do the work" as he says it is who he is rather than a skills he needs to work on to have a healthy relationship like anyone else. And it didn't change his fiancee's mind about leaving because his rigidity was a quirk that she couldn't stomach for the rest of her life. A diagnosis may not do what you want it to.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 14/02/2022 21:56

The hearing/not hearing thing could be Auditory Processing Disorder. I suspect my DH has the same as he also struggles to hear but passes the hearing test with no problems. DH is also autistic, although not officially diagnosed, and shares some of the other difficulties you describe.

Voice0fReason · 14/02/2022 22:41

Have you spoken to him about this?
It has to be lead by him.
Generally, I think that getting a diagnosis helps most people.

newnameforthis76 · 14/02/2022 23:00

A diagnosis won’t change his behaviour or make other people like him. It might give him a sense of validation, so if you think that might be helpful for him and help him to understand himself a bit better. it would be worth pursuing.

But if his issue is he’s sad that he struggles to make friends, a diagnosis won’t help that. If people find him difficult to get along with, they will not find him any less difficult to get along with just because they’ve been given a potential reason for his behaviour.

Neolara · 14/02/2022 23:06

But if he knows why he finds things so difficult, he may be able to accept some of his quirks more easily, or find ways to deal with them.

With what you have said, I would think the obvious diagnosis to explore would be autism.

WTF475878237NC · 14/02/2022 23:10

I sent him a message this morning to say that the band are touring again and he replied "why are you sending me this?". He reacts negatively to a lot of my suggestions

^ this is an example of his terrible memory. He is asking an honest question, you have inferred a negative tone, but he genuinely has no idea why you've sent it to him.

The only thing a diagnosis may change (given he's not online asking if he needs one) is you may be able to learn how to empathise with/ better live with the label.

ofwarren · 14/02/2022 23:11

There is obviously a possibility that he is neurodiverse but what are you thinking his diagnosis will do to help? Yes, it would help him understand the way his brain works but it won't change him.
Support for autistic and adhd adults is also few and far between. The odd social group in some areas, and not much else.

Shuffleuplove · 14/02/2022 23:12

He sounds as though there may be some autitistc traits there, but the business about reacting to wanting to go to things - that’s not something I’ve ever heard of, beyond people whose personality is just contrary.

Autism is/can be amazing. I’m a mother and sister of ND people. But it’s also not an excuse for being a dick and making other people responsible for their shit choices.

Shuffleuplove · 14/02/2022 23:14

To add, my ex husband has ASD, in spades. I thought that perhaps a diagnosis would be helpful and help me tolerate his more difficult behaviour but what I’ve actually concluded, is that he was both autistic AND a bell end. Correlation is not causation. And I don’t know the official diagnostic criteria for bell ends. It’s not in the DSM-V.

Original poster
ash89x · 14/02/2022 23:37

Thanks all.

I spoke to him tonight about it. He has said 'I know theres something wrong with me but I don't know what'. He seems quite down.

I'm wondering if it would even just give him peace of mind if there was a diagnosis and that he's not just unlikeable (his words).

OP posts:
TooManyPJs · 14/02/2022 23:50

Ah bless him. That really resonates with me. I have ADHD and have always felt odd and different and before I realised it was ADHD didn't know what it was or why. A lot of the time thinking I was just useless as not being able to do or get normal things that other people just seemed to be able to manage without much effort at all.

Interestingly one of the first things that led me towards ADHD was having a hearing test because I couldn't hear what people were saying when out such as in a restaurant. I struggle when there's any background noise. The result was my hearing was fine it was likely due to an attention issue - not being able to filter out the background noise.

Sounds like your DH may have more than one thing going on. Possibly a processing disorder. Possibly ADHD. Possibly autism.

I would do some research yourself into possible conditions and do some online questionnaire. To give you an idea of the route you want to try first. If he scores hugely for example in an autism test you have something to go to the GP with. Don't go in with a vague it's if symptoms. You are likely to be fobbed off.

Look up the DSM criteria and take in a list of examples that might fit the criteria, along with the outcome of your online test, and also something that describes how it affects his life negatively, then request an x y z assessment. Be specific. You can do it in writing if you prefer.

Be aware there are v long waiting lists and no services at all in some areas.

Alternatively you could pursue a private diagnosis.

Or try to get a private assessment via NHS right to choose.....

Original poster
ash89x · 15/02/2022 00:16

@TooManyPJs

Ah bless him. That really resonates with me. I have ADHD and have always felt odd and different and before I realised it was ADHD didn't know what it was or why. A lot of the time thinking I was just useless as not being able to do or get normal things that other people just seemed to be able to manage without much effort at all.

Interestingly one of the first things that led me towards ADHD was having a hearing test because I couldn't hear what people were saying when out such as in a restaurant. I struggle when there's any background noise. The result was my hearing was fine it was likely due to an attention issue - not being able to filter out the background noise.

Sounds like your DH may have more than one thing going on. Possibly a processing disorder. Possibly ADHD. Possibly autism.

I would do some research yourself into possible conditions and do some online questionnaire. To give you an idea of the route you want to try first. If he scores hugely for example in an autism test you have something to go to the GP with. Don't go in with a vague it's if symptoms. You are likely to be fobbed off.

Look up the DSM criteria and take in a list of examples that might fit the criteria, along with the outcome of your online test, and also something that describes how it affects his life negatively, then request an x y z assessment. Be specific. You can do it in writing if you prefer.

Be aware there are v long waiting lists and no services at all in some areas.

Alternatively you could pursue a private diagnosis.

Or try to get a private assessment via NHS right to choose.....

I kid you not, he tried to do an online ADHD questionnaire a couple of years ago but got bored and couldn't finish it.

This is all very helpful- thank you. It seems like for private diagnosis you really have to know what it is and pay for that specific check which is where I'm a bit unsure.

OP posts:
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