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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put our mum in a nursing home.

35 replies

Gouldengirl9 · 13/02/2022 21:51

Mum lives on her own and has dementia.
But has been discharged from the memory clinic.
She is very good at keeping herself and the house nice and tidy.
But she is finding it difficult to use the phone, kettle etc.
Today she some how blew the door of the oven. We have put alarms in to detect gas and she unplugs it. My older brother took her to hospital as she has burnt her face, ear and hair.
Last week she knocked the iron over and burnt the carpet.
We have arranged in the past for meals on wheels but she has turned them away and got quite nasty with the delivery person.
So now they won't come back.
Mum won't have anyone in as true she is OK at keeping everything tidy.
I live quite a long way from her and unfortunately I'm going through aggressive cancer treatment so I'm not able to visit at the moment. My older brother also has cancer and he does his best. He does her shopping. My aunt, mums sister is trying to help us persuade mum that she isn't safe living on her own anymore.
Don't know why I'm posting.
Any advice will be much appreciated in getting mum in a home.
Who do we contact for help.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 13/02/2022 21:58

Oh OP, it's a very difficult situation. I'm so sorry for all of it. I would strongly consider it in your shoes and I say that with the experience of my own mother being a dementia sufferer albeit at home with my elderly father being supported by myself and two siblings locally.

Sounds like it'd be safer and more comfortable all round. Best wishes

Sassypants82 · 13/02/2022 22:00

I'm not in the UK but here, once a formal diagnosis has been made, support services are accessed through the local health authority.

I'd your Mum under a geriatrician? Could they point you in the right direction?

AtlasPine · 13/02/2022 22:01

Can you try and sort out Power of Attorney for health & welfare as well as finance? It will make it much easier to do what is best for your mum.

endofagain · 13/02/2022 22:02

Phone AgeUk. They are a good place to start. I am sorry. You are in a difficult place.

AfterSchoolWorry · 13/02/2022 22:03

I would, absolutely.

PinkiOcelot · 13/02/2022 22:03

Have you called Adult Social Care at your local authority? They will be able to give you advice on the way forward.
Have you got POA? If not, I would get that asap as very expensive later on.
As your mum is able to keep her home tidy and, in her eyes, look after herself, she’ll probably be very reluctant to go in a home. Could you persuade her to do a couple of weeks respite first and go from there?

Danikm151 · 13/02/2022 22:03

As bad as it sounds, sometimes it’s better to let the hospital make the decision.
My nan struggles with dementia, we would help and go round as much as we could but one day she ended up in town confused with no identification.
The hospital decided it wasn’t safe for her to be at home- carers could go and help but if she rejected them there was nothing they could do.
Told her she was going for a rest and she’s been in the care home over a year now, looking healthier and happier than ever. We know she’s safe and cared for. Eating properly too. Now visits are a happier occasion.
It coming from professionals made it seem like a better idea to her. No matter how much we tried to get her help before.

Knittedfairies · 13/02/2022 22:04

You need to re-frame your question; not AIBU 'to put our mum in a nursing home' but ' how can we meet mum's needs now she has dementia and is unsafe at home?'

hatgirl · 13/02/2022 22:05

how are you going to put her there?

RoseMartha · 13/02/2022 22:06

Sorry to hear your struggles. It must be tough and there comes a point when you have to ask for help. 🤗🤗

Have you spoken to adult social care as they will be able to help or point you in the direction of help.

My parents have an Asc social worker, she was appointed at time of diagnosis. Does your mum have one?

My parents were anti carers but we brought them into help because it was necessary.

Did your mum have lasting power of attorneys done?

PotatoGoblins · 13/02/2022 22:07

Sorry you’re in this situation while dealing with your own health struggles OP Flowers
It got to a similar point with my Nana. She’d always been very independent and did everything for herself. But once the early stages of dementia set in, she would forget things like shutting the freezer so it would defrost and flood the kitchen, resulting in her slipping and falling. She also has a brittle bone disease, so all the falls etc were causing multiple fractures in her fragile bones. The final straw was when she’d been to visit my grandad’s grave, took a fall, and ended up breaking her ankle….but she’d also forgotten that she had her mobile phone in her handbag. So sat in the snow with a broken ankle for goodness knows how long before a passer by found her, fished her phone out of her bag and rang for help.
She went into a lovely place that is very “home from home”. She settled in there brilliantly and it turns out there are two other ladies who live there who my Nana knew years and years ago but lost contact with. She’s happy there. She has friends there. She takes part in as many of the activities they lay on as she possibly can - which I think really helps keep her mind as sharp as it can be with the dementia starting to get a bit worse in recent years. She goes out on day trips with the staff and other residents, and we all go and visit regularly too. It’s never an easy decision to make, but it was definitely the best one for my Nana. I honestly believe that if she hadn’t have moved into the care home when she did, that she wouldn’t be with us anymore.

Suzanne999 · 13/02/2022 22:08

As @PinkiOcelot has suggested maybe putting the idea to your mum as a respite stay ( so you can get oven replaced? Carpet replaced?) might ease the way to full time residential care. I think her safety is at risk living in her own by what you’ve described. Can you start with her GP? Age UK I’m sure will offer you advice as well.

Susu49 · 13/02/2022 22:09

@Gouldengirl9 ynbu
I'm not sure how it's done these days, it was taken out of our hands in the end but if she's no longer safe at home then it's a good idea to look into it.

Go via social services or request to speak to her gp and request an assessment.

It's a hugely difficult thing to come to terms with even without your own difficulties Flowers

PotatoGoblins · 13/02/2022 22:10

@Danikm151 that’s how it started with my Nana too - she went for respite care when she came out of hospital after the broken ankle, and decided that she really liked it there and ended up staying permanently. Was definitely easier for us family members knowing that she’d made that decision herself rather than it being thrust upon her

NecklessMumster · 13/02/2022 22:10

Ring the adult social care team for the local authority she lives in. It will be on their website. Explain she has care needs and is at risk at home and needs a care act assessment. When they say 'has she given permission' say no, she has dementia and is high risk. It's rare to go from no care to care home, they will want to see if they can support her to stay safe at home first with carers/ equip etc.

De88 · 13/02/2022 22:10

Speak to Adult Social Care ASAP and request and assessment of her care and support needs, give all your concerns and go from there. Let them lead conversations and the decision about how best to meet her needs for safety.

namechange5575 · 13/02/2022 22:13

You need to contact adult social care and highlight the risk, really spell it out to them. Her current situation is absolutely not safe, she has already come to serious harm, if she accidentally sets fire to her home could others be at risk? There are processes in place to prevent this kind of harm, there would be investigations if she were to die this way. What happens next isn't your responsibility - hand this over to people whose job it is to keep vulnerable adults safe.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 13/02/2022 22:14

It’s not clear from your post if she’s in hospital at the moment after the burns, or at home?
If in hospital speak to the staff on the ward and explain your concerns - she could go into a temporary care home while they assess her needs. She will have to wait for a place to become available though….
If she’s turned away meals on wheels she’ll likely turn away carers - has she had carers at all?

typeat20wordsperminute · 13/02/2022 22:15

Absolutely call adult social care and your mum's GP asap, there is support there. I would also try for you and your brother to get Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare and Property and Financial Affairs urgently. Please look after yourself and encourage your brother to do the same and if your mum does go in a care home it will be a decision made in her best interests and kind. There is also help that may allow your mum to stay in her own home as long as possible and a Social Worker will guide you through this.There is a tough road ahead, dementia is incredibly hard on families so take any help available, even if your mum needs a bit of persuading to allow carers in to prepare meals, make her hot drinks etc, she will probably come to regard them as friends in no time.

Kitkat151 · 13/02/2022 22:17

Make a referral to the adult safeguarding team .....she’s a vulnerable adult and is at risk....they have a duty of care once you have referred her

Original poster
Gouldengirl9 · 13/02/2022 22:26

Thank you for your replies.
We already have POA for health and finance.
No one has ever contacted us from social services after her diagnosis.
She was sent home from the hospital.

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 13/02/2022 22:36

@Gouldengirl9

Thank you for your replies. We already have POA for health and finance. No one has ever contacted us from social services after her diagnosis. She was sent home from the hospital.
The assumption will be that she /you are managing
Woahthehorsey · 13/02/2022 22:40

Assuming your mum would need help with funding the care:

You need to contact adult social care and request an assessment. They should do it within 28 days of your request, but services are currently under so much pressure few are keeping that timeframe.

They'll use a "least interventionist approach" which usually means trying domiciliary care providers (care at home) first. When/ if that fails to meet her need they'll agree to residential care.

If your mum owns her house, a charge will be placed against it (like a loan) and the "loan" paid when the house is sold.

If your mum has lots of money and because you have POA, you can just choose a home, ask them if they can meet her need, and place her there.

Woahthehorsey · 13/02/2022 22:40

I'm a manager in adult social care.

Woahthehorsey · 13/02/2022 22:41

@Kitkat151

Make a referral to the adult safeguarding team .....she’s a vulnerable adult and is at risk....they have a duty of care once you have referred her
This isn't safeguarding. It's concern for welfare.