Do I ask her to leave if she carries on?

[ScaredOfTheFutureAlways]

Please be kind. I can't cope anymore and feel very unreasonable even thinking about it. *mention self harm but no details.

My eldest Daughter is 18 and everytime she splits up with the boyfriend she self harms, I take her to hospital. We go home, she gets back with him then repeat.

She tells me every time as soon as she does it, she doesn't hide it it's pretty much flaunted. I feel she is seeking his attention but gets none but it is traumatising our family at home, I deal with it all but it's upsetting for her younger siblings as much as we try to keep it separate.

They split up not long ago, she self harmed again, we went to hospital and then she said it was definitely over and she agreed to stay by herself and work on her own confidence and self esteem but she's gone out to meet him again today and I know in a week or two we will be visiting the hospital again.

She won't listen, she won't take the help offered and they won't force it now she's over 18 even though I've told them it effects our whole family and she keeps doing it every time so what am I suppose to do? AIBU to tell her she can't stay here if this carries on?

It sounds very unreasonable and don't want to say that to her at all because obviously I want her home where she should be safer but it's not fair on everyone else to keep going through this, I've had calls from the younger kids schools and it's seriously effecting them.

If she moved out I imagine he would move in with her and then it could be a whole lot worse. I always support her and I don't want her to move out and risk things getting worse but how long do we keep doing this? Does she have to seriously damage herself before someone helps or she stops? How long do I let my other children be traumatised by her behaviour?

I dont want her to feel like she has no support, she has it but its not enough and clearly she needs something I'm not capable of I just feel a complete failure to all my children living in this hell.

I didn't want to read and leave but honestly I don't know what the right thing to do is. It sounds so hard I hope your ok.

I’ve been through a vaguely similar situation with my daughter, I don’t know the answer but just wanted to say you have my sympathies. It’s really really tough. My daughter grew out of it eventually, but I know this isn’t the case for everyone. Maybe tough love will help.

I can't speak of it from a parents position as my little one is only just about to turn two.

But we had a family member do this - she has 6 younger siblings. The impact was horrendous and two of them grew up to mimic her behaviour. Some are still quite young so who knows.

Sorry to say that I would ask her to leave but frame it in a positive way and give her as much support as possible - outside of the home. So I wouldn't be telling the younger ones or letting them hear about her dramas. If she was an only child it would be very different.
Even if he eventually leaves her permanently the risk is she may well repeat these behaviours in a new relationship.

So sorry you're going through this. Easy for me to tell you to kick her out when it's not my own child but even if you can hack it, her siblings can't. Xx

not sure what to advise op, although all the best and positivity

Thank you all for the kind words & support xx

Yes, ultimately I have to think of the younger children and I now realise I can try explain to her in a more positive way than I was feeling before.
She needs some tough love with the knowledge she still has our support either way.

It's scary to think the younger ones maybe at higher risk of doing similar in future so this needs sorting asap, thankfully school are supporting them too but I'll be reaching out for more help xx

Are the self harm cuts deep everytime or superficial? If superficial, I would be providing her with wipes, bandages etc and not giving too much attention to it.

Do you know much about what is actually happening between her and the boyfriend? It sounds very unhealthy.

Any grandparents that could house her for a bit perhaps?

@ScaredOfTheFutureAlways :

It's her coping strategy.
It helps her distract from the emotional pain she's feeling.

www.mind.org.uk have some useful information regarding self harm, in its many forms.

The National self harm network UK, have a forum which may be helpful for you, and your DD.
www.nshn.co.uk

Good luck with it all.

@Wingedharpy great post 👍🏼

Is it superficial? Assuming she's cutting herself. If there's no need for stitches I'd stop taking her to the hospital. Clean her up and try not to make a fuss of it. There's no need for the younger kids to know about it really

Yes superficial but all over. She's done more to herself but we have had a lot of different services involved and text or spoke to many other services, she never speaks to anyone before it's always me or the boyfriend she tells straight after.

We don't tell the other children, like I said she pretty much flaunts it. She doesn't see why she should "hide" anything from them or anyone else.

I have been understanding that its a coping mechanism but it's effecting everyone else at home and it's not right or fair for the younger ones to suffer.

Both my daughter and her boyfriend are insecure and far too immature to be in a relationship with anyone let alone each other. It's toxic, she knows it but she keeps going back.

She's not bothered to come home, not told anyone and left our home open all night as we left the door open so she could get back in. She clearly has no respect for this home or the people in it. I'll assume they've got back together for today's sake

Sounds awful for you all. My gut instinct, as a parent and grandparent, would be for her to leave I'm afraid - I'd phrase it that she's not a good role model at the moment to the others. I also think you need to be firm about her not telling you each time once she's gone as she seems to get pleasure from involving you. Good luck.

I think you have to tell her that she can't be at yours if she has self harmed as you don't want to risk the younger children following in her footsteps. You need to put in some boundaries for the sake of the younger children. It sounds like this is a pattern of behaviour now and you might be inadvertently (understandably) enabling it. Something needs to change to kickstart a change with her.

It sounds like she is desperately seeking attention and at the moment the way she is getting it is by self harm. She needs a lot of love and attention at times when she is not self harming and a big reduction in attention when she is self harming IMO. I would get yourself some professional advice on how to handle this though.

Have a look at the Young Minds website. There is some helpful info on self harm and they have a parents' helpline.
www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/

It's not something a parent can fix- but you can certainly try and understand what she is going through. It probably has very little to do with "attention seeking" and more to do with coping with or expressing real emotional anguish.....

You are a mum, not a psychiatrist/ counsellor/ support worker. It sounds like it requires professional support and advice- to address the self harm itself and the underlying reasons.

In my area, adults can refer themselves for mental health issues to a service called VitaMinds. Is that available in your area? or something like it? Would DD engage with something like that?

I don't have any experience of this but just want to offer my sympathy and say this must be such a hard situation to be in, and most importantly you're very unlikely to be "to blame" . People whose kids get through the teenage years unscathed are very lucky - yes, terrible parenting will mess them up but even the best parents can be thrown into impossible situations.

Best of luck

I'd get her out. It will have an awful impact on the younger ones and they'll start to mimic her.

She refuses any help or to talk to anyone. I was told me last time there is nothing can be done to help until she is ready, they didn't care she lives under my roof and effects everyone else including other children.

I've said to many professionals that I am only one person and I can't fix this alone, we need help but we get none because she says no 🙄 Our area is seriously lacking mental health services as it is but she won't talk to anyone anyway.

I do feel as though I am enabling it, I'm always there as expected but I'm exhausted especially going round in circles with no change. I look after my Mum as well as my immediate family and its just too much for me.

I will look into mind for parents, thank you.

She's still not home and not replying to me, I guess she'll be somewhere with him but I'm sure you'll all know I'm sat here thinking all sorts and that's not fair either.

Nightmare. Xx

God I'm so sorry, this sounds awful. Do you take her to the hospital - could you do some 'tough love' and take her and wait outside or something. I don't know the answers but I'm sure you're doing the best you can.

Why are you taking her to hospital? I think I’d stop that for a start. Maybe go back to toddler strategies and reward her good behaviour and ignore as much as possible her bad behaviour.

As far flaunting her wounds that would be a very firm no from me. She covers up. Not a punishment but it’s very bad for the younger children..

She just doesn’t sound strong enough to move out and frankly, where could she go and pay for it anyway?

Best wishes it sounds awful.

Different circs but my dd1's go to coping mechanism is shouting abuse at me. I try to suggest meditation, yoga, hypnosis for anxiety on youtube.. long walks, books that did help me. I get told I dont care. Everything except taking the abuse proves i don't care.

So you have all of my sympathy. Luckily she is normal and happy in-between these bouts but omg!

💐

I only have one other (son) in the house and he can be difficult but not to cause drama. He only fights real corners, as he sees them.
In yr shoes I would do up a manifesto. We love and support you but your coping mechanism is pushing yr entire family to the brink so we support you to split up/do yoga/listen to anti anxiety meditations but no more self harm under this roof.

If she ignores you, maybe the first time take yr other dc to a hotel/ grandmas house..

It would be so hard to throw her out I know.

My dd too fragile for a relationship. Thank goodness she isn't in one.

Here OP 🍷🍷

It sounds awful when I say I find it hard to think of things for praises and more positive attention these days.. shes a typical teenager who sleeps all day except when at work and tbh she's always finding excuses not to go.

She left college half way through so now works part time. She helps with nothing around the house and won't even tidy her own mess or wash her own clothes or uniform (I dont do them anymore) As soon as she became old enough to start taking care of her own life and belongings she chose to do nothing! She has no motivation to do anything unless revolves around the toxic boyfriend.

I told her next time he can take her to the hospital. I doubt she believes me. He doesn't see the effects of their arguments but he should then maybe he'll stay away from her. In those hours I've been with her at hospital obviously the other kids know we are missing and instantly panic so I can't do it anymore.

I find it bizarre she flaunts it, she came down on Xmas day in front of even more family in the least clothing possible to show it all off. Needing help shouldn't make you ashamed and feel the need to hide but this is so in your face and she thinks everyone should see it.

I think it is reasonable rule us that she covers up or she moves out.