Do I ask her to leave if she carries on?

[ScaredOfTheFutureAlways]

Please be kind. I can't cope anymore and feel very unreasonable even thinking about it. *mention self harm but no details.

My eldest Daughter is 18 and everytime she splits up with the boyfriend she self harms, I take her to hospital. We go home, she gets back with him then repeat.

She tells me every time as soon as she does it, she doesn't hide it it's pretty much flaunted. I feel she is seeking his attention but gets none but it is traumatising our family at home, I deal with it all but it's upsetting for her younger siblings as much as we try to keep it separate.

They split up not long ago, she self harmed again, we went to hospital and then she said it was definitely over and she agreed to stay by herself and work on her own confidence and self esteem but she's gone out to meet him again today and I know in a week or two we will be visiting the hospital again.

She won't listen, she won't take the help offered and they won't force it now she's over 18 even though I've told them it effects our whole family and she keeps doing it every time so what am I suppose to do? AIBU to tell her she can't stay here if this carries on?

It sounds very unreasonable and don't want to say that to her at all because obviously I want her home where she should be safer but it's not fair on everyone else to keep going through this, I've had calls from the younger kids schools and it's seriously effecting them.

If she moved out I imagine he would move in with her and then it could be a whole lot worse. I always support her and I don't want her to move out and risk things getting worse but how long do we keep doing this? Does she have to seriously damage herself before someone helps or she stops? How long do I let my other children be traumatised by her behaviour?

I dont want her to feel like she has no support, she has it but its not enough and clearly she needs something I'm not capable of I just feel a complete failure to all my children living in this hell.

I have two boys - one with severe anger issues. I had to tell him he either accepts help and engages with services to Improve his own coping mechanisms and the family environment or he had to go. It’s u fair on your other children having this as an example of how to behave. They aren’t learning healthy habits. I’d explain it all to her so she has a choice. If she chooses to stay this person that attention seeks or releases through self harm then the choice is hers. I do feel that the immediate reach out for help after superficial self sustained injuries is a cry for attention. Has she ever been ignored at this point. Or told to tend to her injuries at home?

If she wants to go to hopsital I'd be calling her a taxi

If the cuts are superficial does it warrant a trip to hospital every time? What do they do for her? If they’re not dangerous cuts I’d be considering just giving her what she needs to patch up and saying no more about it. It sounds like she’s enjoying the reaction.

Alot of self-harm stuff can be attention-seeking. Speaking from experience. I would not take her to hospital if it is just superficial. I would ignore it. But at 18 I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her to move out if she is impacting everyone else. Many 18 year olds live away from home. It doesnt mean you arent there for her and it might do her the world of good to be more independent. If it helps, I have many friends who self harmed badly at 18 who are now successful 40 somethings. They just cover the scars now.

She has also taken overdoses of over counter meds so the hospital trips have been mainly to check the damage. She texts him after she taken them to say goodbye etc everytime and then he tells me to help her.

Now I know she'd obviously not taken enough but I've no idea how much is too much so I'm always stuck between riding it out and leaving her to get it out of her system or the thought something bad happening if dont I seek medical attention for her.

Does adding to this that she has taken overdoses change your opinion on if she should leave our home? I guess it's all a huge risk either way but like mentioned above its not behaviour I want the other kids to try repeat or keep suffering from. I just feel I'm kicking someone to the kerb when they already must feel low but it's not from not trying everything else.

I've still not heard from her so I'm again stuck worrying something bad has happened, she must just like myself and the rest of us on edge wondering if she's OK.

I'm so sorry a lot of you have experienced similar, it's good to know most grow and deal with things a different way. From seeing many others in hospital each time we've been self harming is a very high up reason for why other people were there. Especially younger people

I hate to be an armchair psychiatrist, but have a read of this NHS information on Borderline Personality Disorder.

(DS has been referred to specialist for it but hasn't been seen, so no actual diagnosis yet. That's how I know about it- and why your description of DD rang a bell...)

It's all about the person's inability to regulate emotions. It's characterised by a lot of heightened, extreme emotion a.k.a "drama":- difficult relationships, fear of abandonment - like when her boyfriend leaves, impulsive behaviour such as self harm, suicidal ideation.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/overview/

Some good advice here, but can you also speak directly with the boyfriends parents and ask them to help.

What a terribly sad and difficult situation for you and your dd op. Like other posters have said, the likelihood is that she will eventually wise up and see that the boyfriend is of no good to her emotional wellbeing, but that has to come from her, no amount of warnings from you will do it.

I would be tempted to contact the boyfriend during the next self harming episode and give him more of the responsibility of supporting your daughter. It may well be that for him that he would soon tire of this and your daughter may come to the realisation that he has not got her back.

If the cuts aren't deep, I'd ignore her. It's attention seeking behaviour. If it's bad, I'd call an ambulance and let them deal with her. I'd talk to the youngest children, to explain. I'd say what she's doing isn't normal behaviour, that she has problems with her mind.

Yeah maybe she does have some sort of a disorder, I have always thought she was different but unless she takes the help offered we'll never know.

I've made the decision I won't be going to hospital again, her boyfriend will be contacted and told he can deal with it. She still hasn't come home so not been able to sit her down and explain how this is effecting everyone else and that she has one last chance to get help and stop these behaviours. If she doesn't then it's completely up to her but she will be out of this family home with our support if she wants it still.

She's made the situation worse by not coming home all weekend without a word to us. Just shows lack of respect and clearly only thinks of herself so now I need to put everyone else first.