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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent my son right now...

33 replies

Amiable · 13/02/2022 15:39

Background: I separated from DH 18 months ago, and he immediately moved back to Germany to live with his parents. Because of Covid he has only been able to see the kids once since then ( he came over and stayed in my flat with them while I went to my mum's).

The kids were supposed to go to Germany for Xmas but Germany more or less closed their borders so it was cancelled.

Situation: Ex-DH arrived on Friday, to take them back to Germany today but DS (11) has refused to go. He has had a lot to deal with in the last few years - me being diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, the break up, us having to move, DD (15) being diagnosed autistic, and transition to secondary school - I am working on getting him some support/therapy. He is too stressed and anxious about going and just wants to be at home with me. The decision was made for him to stay.

However, I am feeling gutted that he has not gone. I was so looking forward to a week alone, to recharge my batteries, and not have to be "on duty" as a single mum (especially as my Xmas alone got cancelled!) I did voice my objections (trying to balance saying how I felt with not wanting him to feel unwanted!) but I honestly just feel so resentful towards him right now. I've had to come and hide in my bedroom and have a cry.

I will pull myself together and it will be fine, but right now I'm so pissed off.

So come on you lovely vipers, give me a kick up the bum!

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 13/02/2022 15:42

I can imagine you’re utterly knackered, you poor thing. Obviously his Dad is not his safe person. While I absolutely think you have every right to resent this situation, you should also see it as a bit of a sign that maybe you’re doing something right. Maybe you and DS will be able to connect more without his brother there.

Justilou1 · 13/02/2022 15:43

*Also, DS refusing to go may have been his way of “punishing” his Dad - by rejecting him because he feels rejected. He may also be afraid that his Dad might not return him.

Peridot1 · 13/02/2022 15:48

YANBU. But thank God you have here to vent and can just be his safe space afterwards.

And ignore those who will come along and tell you you are unreasonable. There will be some I’m sure!

MrsBertBibby · 13/02/2022 15:50

Ah that's rough. Poor lad, though, having his dad vanish like that. I imagine he's terrified you could do the same.

I prescribe a serious love-bombing for him. What does he like to do? I know for mine at that age he'd have wanted swims, telly time, baking, Mario kart and pizza.

girafferafferaffe · 13/02/2022 15:51

Do some fun stuff op. Some really good bonding that could be done here. Sod the washing. Cinema/pizza night? Try and take it easy.

MrsBertBibby · 13/02/2022 15:51

Obvs you are not in the least wrong to feel as you do.

Canaloha · 13/02/2022 15:53

Ah bless you OP, when you've been looking forward to the chance to recharge and rest a bit it's hard when that doesn't happen. I know you know that it's not your sons fault and he's just struggling right now, but its also okay to feel disappointed about the situation. Is there anyone that can come over and give you a hand?

DysmalRadius · 13/02/2022 15:57

I'm so sorry you're not getting a break, but try and focus on the positive - he knows that he can absolutely rely on you to love and care for him and you know that he is safe and not stressed or sad on a different landmass.

Can you organise a sleepover at a friends for one night this week, so you at least get some time off?

Original poster
Amiable · 13/02/2022 16:19

Thank you everyone! I feel better just knowing people understand!

I am planning on arranging a sleepover if I can, and he is in fact such a sweet lovely boy so it's not as if he is particularly hard work!

@Justilou1 I hadn't really though about how he feels about his dad, but that makes a lot of sense.

@Peridot1 I've worked hard to make sure both kids see me a a safe person, they can talk to me about anything but he sees that I have my illness and DD to deal with and he doesn't want to cause me any more worry /stress (which is why I'm trying to get him a therapist to talk to) He really is a poppet

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 13/02/2022 16:24

YABU for whatever reason he wants to stay with you. He could be worried about you because of your illness or not happy with his dad. He may also be afraid of flying going to a different country etc.

I know it’s hard and you deserve a break but remember he’s not doing it to be selfish. He would never understand that a parent needs a break from their children.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/02/2022 16:33

YANBU at all to want a break. YABU to feel resentful towards him though, I can't quite understand feeling like that towards your child. Sounds like he's had a bloody tough time.

Blossom64265 · 13/02/2022 16:39

You are very understandably exhausted. Looking forward to a break and then loosing it can be worse than the break never being in the schedule at all. An emotional reaction is perfectly normal.

Your son’s reaction is perfectly normal too. His father abandoned him. Covid doesn’t matter. Moving to another country was enough. Even if he had been able to visit more frequently, his father’s plan was cruel.

Original poster
Amiable · 13/02/2022 16:54

@Waxonwaxoff0 you are right. It's not really him I am feeling resentful of, just the lack of a break!

@Blossom64265 absolutely agree. Ex-DH had the chance to stay in the UK when we split, but he made a choice to go to his parents in Germany. I've been careful not to slag him off in front of the kids, but it was a pretty shitty move on his part.

I have tried to reassure both kids that it was not because of them, but of course it's hard for them not to feel like it was...

The fact that he doesn't like talking on the phone so barely calls doesn't help. He does message them but it is not the same, is it?

OP posts:
Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 13/02/2022 17:00

Yanbu for wanting a break and yanbu to feel a bit resentful. You are probably knackered and we're so looking forward to a rest Flowers
You sound like a fantastic mum and it's clear that you're just venting on an annonymous forum and are not communicating it to your dad. Hope you manage to organise a sleepover and get a little break. X

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 13/02/2022 17:01

Ds not dad!

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 17:06

What an absolute waster your husband is.

Of course YANBU to want a bit of a break from it all.

It sounds as if it has been really hard for you and your children.Flowers

Summerfun54321 · 13/02/2022 17:28

It’s pretty shocking for a parent to move to a whole different country after divorce away from the kids. There’s no way anyone should have expected your children to want to go abroad with someone who deserted them. Your ex should have booked a week’s holiday in the U.K. to spend time with them on their terms. He sounds like a prize c*nt for insisting they go back to Germany with him.

LuckyAmy1986 · 13/02/2022 17:33

You sound like a lovely mum! And agree with pp who said he wouldn’t understand him needing the break. I’m sorry you didn’t get one. But how lovely he just wants to be at home with you

Whybirdwhy · 13/02/2022 17:41

YANBU - you've do e the right thing but honestly that would fuck me RIGHT off. Your ex is an enormous prick, what a total waste of space. One day the kids will realise that.

Tickledtrout · 13/02/2022 17:47

Yanbu to feel resentful. But that resentment should be directed towards your ex.
Your son needs parenting OP. Sadly it looks like you're on your own with that.

AmyandPhilipfan · 13/02/2022 17:48

Bless you, and him. I can totally understand the wanting a break and being miffed when it hasn’t happened but I can understand him not wanting to go to his dad’s too. When I was younger I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to stay with someone I'd seen once in 18 months, even if it was my parent. Your ex needs to understand that if he wants to maintain a relationship with his son he needs to put some effort in such as regular video calls. Otherwise he can’t expect him to want to go and stay with him. I would try and have an easy week with your son. Rules relaxed, easy meals, lot of movie nights etc.

MischievousBiscuits · 13/02/2022 17:51

@girafferafferaffe

Do some fun stuff op. Some really good bonding that could be done here. Sod the washing. Cinema/pizza night? Try and take it easy.
I second this, OP. You're doing a great job. Its OK to feel exhausted and want a break.
Dragongirl10 · 13/02/2022 17:52

Yanbu for wanting a much needed break we would all feel that way...but it is not his fault, under those circumstances your frustration and resentment needs to be redirected to his crap father...

Oh and Well done for hiding your feelings and getting ready to put a brave face on and tackle the week without a fuss.......that is your gift to your son ( who sounds lovely Btw)

user1471457751 · 13/02/2022 18:17

You're resenting the wrong person. your son is the victim here and your ex is an utter dick for abandoning his children.

SaltySocks · 13/02/2022 18:26

Yanbu. I feel like that everytime I put Ds down for s nap and he wakes up in 5 minutes.

Even the most dedicated mum needs a break. Be kind to yourself. Stick on lots of movies or anything that gives you a bit of time to unwind.