to resent my son right now...

[Amiable]

Background: I separated from DH 18 months ago, and he immediately moved back to Germany to live with his parents. Because of Covid he has only been able to see the kids once since then ( he came over and stayed in my flat with them while I went to my mum's).

The kids were supposed to go to Germany for Xmas but Germany more or less closed their borders so it was cancelled.

Situation: Ex-DH arrived on Friday, to take them back to Germany today but DS (11) has refused to go. He has had a lot to deal with in the last few years - me being diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, the break up, us having to move, DD (15) being diagnosed autistic, and transition to secondary school - I am working on getting him some support/therapy. He is too stressed and anxious about going and just wants to be at home with me. The decision was made for him to stay.

However, I am feeling gutted that he has not gone. I was so looking forward to a week alone, to recharge my batteries, and not have to be "on duty" as a single mum (especially as my Xmas alone got cancelled!) I did voice my objections (trying to balance saying how I felt with not wanting him to feel unwanted!) but I honestly just feel so resentful towards him right now. I've had to come and hide in my bedroom and have a cry.

I will pull myself together and it will be fine, but right now I'm so pissed off.

So come on you lovely vipers, give me a kick up the bum!

Thank you again everyone! There's a lot of stuff here I hadn't really thought about, as well as quite a lot I had. Yes, ex-DH is a dick!

I've got to work Mon/Tues (WFH) but I've told DS that we can do something fun after that - whatever he wants.

Your comments have helped to bring me out of my pity-party-for-one, and it will actually be lovely to spend time with DS (DD is lovely, but needs a lot more of my time/emotion as a result of being autistic).

Anyway, I've got fish fingers, chips and peas (a DS favourite!) on the go for tea, so will check back later for any more responses.

You’re totally NBU. Try and still have a restful week - lower your standards, do the minimum housework and cooking and try and carve out some time to do stuff that is relaxing for you. And give yourself a massive pat on the back for being a mum AND dad to your kids, and for being your son’s place of emotional safety

We've not had a single day in our house alone for at least 5 years (two of our kids are over 20 and home due to disabilities), and I totally get why you are feeling upset. I love them to pieces but it would be so nice just to do what we want and, well, be selfish even just for a day. We might get an hour or so later this week when both might be out at the same time, but I am not holding my breath. Enjoy your dinner, we had that Friday with some fizz

@GildedLily17 not sure if that's possible, I am chronically lazy have a chronic illness that means I do the minimum housework already!

@longtompot I understand. DD can take care of herself physically but has high emotional needs. It does feel selfish to want some time alone doesn't it? Even though it's just sensible to want time to recharge.

Anyway, all is good here now. Tea was lovely, DS is now playing minecraft and I am watching Starstruck - very good btw, I recommend it!

Thanks to all x

Um @GildedLily17 , the "chronically lazy" bit was supposed to be crossed out

YANBU, and what an absolutely shit dad they have. Hard to imagine how a parent could move abroad, especially during a pandemic when he knew there would be very limited opportunities to spend any time with his children.

You're doing a fabulous job and I agree with others that this is a great chance to spend some one on one time with your son. Do as many fun things with him as you can and he'll remember this week with real fondness. (Even if you don't 😉.)

We often have similar issues with the children not wanting to go to dads.

Not Germany but dad never seems to mind only taking one or two of them.

Have got to the point where we sometimes think he enjoys curtailing the time we actually have to do nice things without children!

Your batteries need recharging then that's ok. We tend not to do exciting things as it isn't fair on the child/children that do go and makes them more likely to want to stay.

Watching movies, have a PJ day. Doing a creative activity they can complete alone. Playing on a game. All those are fine!

I'm a single parent and now I don't have ex DH rounding everyone up to 'do activities' and manically run about, when I feel like this I get out my store of cheaper pick and mix from the supermarket, we get under blankets and we watch a film that we will all like. Sometimes I fall asleep a bit too but honestly, everyone is much happier and relaxed without that feeling we have to 'do' loads of stuff. Sometimes we manage some exercise in the morning , like a swim, and then we just chill out guilt free in the afternoon. Everyone's happy. I can remember our weekends when I was a kid where nothing much was provided in terms of endless activities and entertainments. It was much more chilled out. I think there's too much pressure today that we have to 'have loads on' for our DC. Sometimes once the term has stopped, they need to chill as much as we do! I hope you get some rest and recuperation!