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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH's inability to answer a question infuriating?

57 replies

AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 13/02/2022 12:32

For example, today is my lie in and DH often takes toddler DS to the park or duck pond on a Sunday afternoon. Today it is lashing it down, leading to this conversation:

Me "The local museum is opening on a Sunday for half term. Shall we take DS as the weather's awful?"

DH "I hadn't thought about it"

Ten minute break for thinking

Me "So, do you fancy the museum"

DH "I really haven't thought about it"

Me "Well, is it something you need to think about? I thought it was something you'd either fancy or not without pondering for a period of time."

DH - complete silence for several minutes

Me "Well, it closes at 4 so we'll have to get up and out straight after DS's nap. Would you like to go?"

DH "I really haven't thought about it yet"

I'm working on the assumption we're not going and buggering off on my own, but why can't he just say yes or no?!

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 13/02/2022 13:25

Omfg yes! "Do you want to go for a carvery today?" "Well we need to let me mum down." " What? About what so do you want to go?" silence turns out what he actually meant was "yes that would be lovely my darling wife, could we invite my parents aswell to soften the blow because we need to tell them they won't be looking after DS tomorrow." Took me about an hour of mind games to get to that 🤨

frogsbreath · 13/02/2022 13:25

My DH does this, as well as, "could do" and "might do" and "maybe yeah".

Just fucking answer. I hate it even more when he does it to ds because "could do" is a no to me but a yes to him.

AnotherMansCause · 13/02/2022 13:26

Have you taken my DH? (You can keep him - he's a terror for doing this.)

Me - "What do you want for tea?" Him - "I don't know".
At supermarket, later. Me - "What do you want for tea?"
Him - "I don't know".
Me - "Well I'm going to have X"
Him - "That sounds nice"
Me - " Do you want the same?"
Him - "No"
Me - "What do you want? Spicy? Chicken/beef/pork? Soup? Pasta? Pizza? Something cold that you don't have to cook, or I'll cook it if you want?"
Him - "Don't know"
30 minutes pass. He wanders, vetoes everything. Explodes at me if I dare to suggest anything specific or point out something he's had & enjoyed previously. Frequently we visit another supermarket & repeat the process.
Me - "Any idea what you want yet?"
Him - "No. I'll probably have a sandwich. I think there's bread at home."

Every. Bloody. Time.

I've tried meal planning. I've tried making lists of meals he likes & getting him to just pick one. I'm not even allowed in the kitchen while he's preparing food. One time he accused me of being controlling & manipulative by trying to make him eat certain foods, so now I've officially given up. I refuse to get involved. It wouldn't be so galling if I didn't have to meticulously plan my meals ahead due to numerous & extremely limiting food intolerances. He can literally eat anything but he refuses to make any decisions & it's such a massive issue. Ironically I'm the least troublesome person in the house, food-wise & there are dozens of foods I can't have.

It's not just food, BTW. He's just as indecisive about pretty much any other bloody thing. Drives me absolutely bananas.

Sally872 · 13/02/2022 13:27

Next time just say "let's take ds to the museum" take all the pressure of thinking about it away for him. Hmm

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 13:30

Yep it’s a way to get out of going out to said museum and have an afternoon for himself.

I’d tell him that you are going out ON YOUR OWN.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/02/2022 13:31

Stop phrasing it as a question. Just say it. 'Let's go to the museum today after DS's nap'. Then he'll actually have to use his big boy words and disagree if he doesn't want to.

@AnotherMansCause I would stop meal planning with him at all and leave him to sort himself out. He sounds infuriating.

LawnFever · 13/02/2022 13:33

OP did you want to go to the museum?

I’d have just said, ok we’re leaving at x if you want to come.

@AnotherMansCause that sounds infuriating! Can’t you just say I’m having x if you don’t want that sort yourself out? I’m irritated just thinking about it!

Mistressofnone · 13/02/2022 13:34

So frustrating for you! It's not just your DH don't worry. My DH's catchphrase is 'we'll see how we go'.

TheApexOfMyLife · 13/02/2022 13:34

@AnotherMansCause, I’m sure how you are coping with that behaviour Shock

I know when Dh has been ‘hesitant’ like this, I’ve just got on to do my own things and told him to handle his.
If that means a sandwich, then fine for him.

That sort of behaviour has always felt controlling to me because basically you end up walking in eggshell, trying to keep the peace/find a solution for him and he controls the whole situation by refusing to give an answer.

Original poster
AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 13/02/2022 13:37

I'm off out shortly, all alone! I'm off work on a Monday so DS have a lovely day to ourselves every week, so I'm not falling for the possibility of Daddy's Extra Afternoon Off trick.

That said, he's really not controlling in any other way. He's quite bright. He's just fucking incapable of making ANY decisions and can't cope with being rushed out the door. And no, he's no better at work, he has a job requiring zero initiative...

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 13/02/2022 13:38

basically you end up walking in eggshell, trying to keep the peace/find a solution for him and he controls the whole situation by refusing to give an answer.

Or you ask a follow up question 'is that a yes or a no' and continue on your way rejoicing.

AnotherMansCause · 13/02/2022 13:39

I do @Skiptheheartsandflowers. Trouble is he ends up spending an average of 3 times as much as me on his meals as he never plans ahead, he either eats a great stack of sandwiches for tea or gets some hideously unhealthy thing which we've already got the ingredients for. But because he hasn't planned & checked before we left, he doesn't know that. If I ask him if we've got X at home he either gets stroppy & says he's not psychic, or says I've put him off & refuses to eat at all. Which means he doesn't eat anything that day as he only eats in the evening, & he's then an absolute nightmare because he's ridiculously hungry & tired because he doesn't sleep well. And it's all my fault apparently. His diet is atrocious.

Tempusfudgeit · 13/02/2022 13:39

God, he sounds like Father Stone!

KatyRebecca84 · 13/02/2022 13:39

That would infuriate me and cause a massive argument.

midsomermurderess · 13/02/2022 13:40

@DaveGrohl

It is a sign of a narcissist - as they can gain power by keeping you guessing. Obviously just one feature in a whole list - does he display other narcissistic behaviours?
For the love of God. Is there no end to this amateur psychologising on this site? Anyone in a position to diagnose a serious personality disorder wouldn't dream of doing so on such flimsy info without having even met the person. Those who are not in such a position have no business doing so.
AnotherMansCause · 13/02/2022 13:43

@TheApexOfMyLife I'm pretty sure he needs some serious long term therapy TBH. His parents did a major number on him & it's fairly obvious he's also not NT. But I will admit there have been times when I've come close to thinking it's just too much. He has his good points though & has supported me through a lot, when my own family just disappeared into the sunset.

Mollysocks · 13/02/2022 13:44

@Plasmodesmata

I recognise this. I get "could do?" Which is basically a "no, can't be arsed".

I think the "no, can't be arsed" is more honest.

Ugh the ‘could do’ I hate this, it’s like the other one ‘if you want’. No, not if I want, do you also want!? Ffs.
Porthia · 13/02/2022 13:46

Are we married to the same person OP? My DH does this all the time. It’s especially bad with emotionally challenging questions. He finds it hard to think what to say and wants to say “the right thing”. So he says nothing or “I haven’t thought about it”.

It means I plan / do literally everything. Mastermind every decision. It is tiring.

We do not have deep and meaningful conversations.

Traumdeuter · 13/02/2022 13:51

About six months ago we had a blazing row about this when he said he wanted to think about it to work out what the right answer was (i.e. what I want him to say), he just couldn't accept that the right answer was his opinion.

It’s this. My DH is the same. I’m not sure why as I’m fairly easy-going and am not inclined to be moody or passive-aggressive if he says “nah, can’t be arsed”, as we both have occasional days where we legitimately say that and the other one entertains toddler DS in their chosen way. It’s incredibly frustrating and I have thought about counselling several times to try and understand what he’s so afraid of.

These days I try and set out what we need to do (some form of physical exercise outside, pick up milk and bread, take something to the dump/charity shop etc) and what would be nice to do but not essential (go for a coffee/lunch, soft play/a playground that’s further away) and let him figure out how to fit anything non-essential around the essential things. But it remains frustrating.

Getoff · 13/02/2022 14:00

I think I can see what's happening here. If he wants to go somewhere, a plan will form in his mind over a period of hours/days/weeks and eventually something will happen to trigger the decision. This is the only pleasant and acceptable way for plans to be made.

OP asking him if he wants to go somewhere is just OP interrupting his train of thought, whatever that was at the time. He truthfully replies that he hasn't thought about it, and continues with whatever he was musing on before this irritating interruption. OP wrongly infers that he has now dropped his own mental agenda in favour of hers, and is contemplating her proposal. Ten minutes later she asks him again, and the cycle repeats...

girlmom21 · 13/02/2022 14:01

Why not just say "ok we'll go then"?

You wanted to go. He didn't. He didn't want to say no. Do that enough times and he'll eventually have to grow a backbone.

georgarina · 13/02/2022 14:18

I'm quite bad with this - I have a trauma background and am quite fearful/avoidant when it comes to decision-making.

What helps me is people giving me a deadline and then making their own plans if I can't give an answer.

So if DH doesn't commit to a yes or no, it's a default no, and you can do it on your own.

gingerhills · 13/02/2022 14:19

I got around this by deciding that an inconclusive answer was a yes. So if I said 'Shall we go to the museum?' and got 'I hadn't really thought about it' I'd answer, 'Great, I'll book tickets. Can you change DS2's nappy while I make sandwiches or would you rather make sandwiches?'

I learned years ago not to wait for DH to commit to something before acting on it. We'd still be living in a two bed flat on a main road if I had.

DoubleGauze · 13/02/2022 14:28

I agree with a pp. Don't think about dinner , just a make a toastie for yourself and ds , while batting any questions about it away.

pinkyredrose · 13/02/2022 14:36

30 minutes pass. He wanders, vetoes everything. Explodes at me if I dare to suggest anything specific or point out something he's had & enjoyed previously

He explodes at you? Why are you still with him? I'd not be sorting any food for him ever, let the fucker starve!