Is having an air tag on car keys akin to stalking?

[Planttreesplease]

DD (18) has recently started a new job and also passed her driving test.

She has a 15 minute drive to the train station at 6am then takes a 20 minute train journey into our capital city and then a short walk to work.

I’m anxious until she arrives and usually we text when she’s on the train and when she gets into work. She’s happy to do this, doesn’t consider it a problem and I can then relax and get on with my day.

I’ve thought about getting an air tag to add to the car keys so I can then check she’s arrived at the car park ok and then as she’ll be carrying the keys I can check she got to work ok.

I mentioned it to DS 21 who considered it stalking and said at 18 I shouldn’t be doing this. It has made me reevaluate it, should I just forget the idea or broach it with DD? I’d never do it surreptitiously, only with her permission but I also feel that I should be less anxious and just allow her to spread her wings without me worrying.

Any thoughts?

I wouldn’t be happy with that and I wouldn’t do it to dd (who is 19).

If my mum had asked to do this when I was 18, I would have said no. As kindly as possible, this is your issue and it's up to you to work through it. Tracking your DD's movements won't fix the root of the anxiety and it's unfair to ask that of her.

I think for a regular short journey at 18 you need to learn to live with it.
A one off long journey of 200 miles I'd be asking for a text to save arrived safe.

I definitely think it’s too much, sorry. I know I will worry about my dd when she reaches that age but I wouldn’t feel right asking her to be “trackable” so as to reassure me.

Very easy to imagine how I’d have felt at that age if my parents wanted to do this, and it would have made me uncomfortable — but I wouldn’t have felt able to say so, in case the result was conflict. End result: me secretly pulling away a little bit.

(This same pattern happened in other ways, so it’s a familiar one to me.)

Well, it’s tracking her which obviously has pros and cons. In your shoes I’d stick with asking her to text when she arrives and then gradually reduce that as well. As they grow up you need to let go a bit, I think, and not assume that they’re dead in a ditch if they’re out of contact- for your own mental health, as much as anything.

I think it's a really bad idea and will breed more anxiety.

I am sort of carer for my elderly mum. I do understand the issues. When I first left her alone after a surgery I asked if she could text by midday. She didn't because she was outside chatting with a neighbour and totally forgot I had asked.

18 or 80, they shouldn't have to indulge our anxiety and it won't do us any good.

The Air tag is particularly awful because it means she has no freedom to swing by anywhere else.

It's a step to far as a parent your going to have many worries but have her text you whilst she's on the train or got to work should be enough

I wouldn't dream of doing that.

And what if she has the morning off but doesn't tell you and goes shopping instead or visits a friend? You'll only worry more as shes not where you expect her to be.

She's a working adult now and not accountable to you for where she goes and what she does.

It's stalking, what about at the weekend when she's out, you'll be tempted to check where she is which is then stalking her. She's legally an adult and you need to learn to deal with anxiety as she is only getting more and more into adulthood from here. What did you do with your 21 y/o son?

That would be weird. I would just highlight the importance of having her phone charged and perhaps keeping important phone numbers for emergencies written somewhere in case she does lose her phone or whatever so she can still contact someone- that's enough.

How exactly do you think that will help? Best case scenario you’ll just obsess over your adult daughter’s whereabouts every morning and evening. Worst case scenario she’ll change her routine one morning and you’ll spin out.

This isn’t healthy. Work on your anxiety and let her be an independent adult.

Ask her. But at 18, I would have been hugely offended and would have refused.

She's an adult, unless she has special needs, she can cope on her own. She won't like you hovering.

The only reason she should have an air tag on her keys is so she doesn't lose them and it should be tracked by her phone not yours! She's 18, an adult. You need to let go

Why would you do that rather than learn to take responsibility for your own anxiety? It's not your daughter's problem.

You can't do that! She's 18!

What if she decides one day to go somewhere else and not tell you? She's perfectly entitled to do that, she's an adult. But you'll be there, scared because she's not where she 'should' be, likely ringing her to check up on her. She'll have no privacy.

I would have been very very angry if my mother would have done this. If a man did it to his partner especially covertly it'd be considered abusive and rightly so.

I understand you are just being a concerned mum (I am a mum of daughters too, I get it) but you really can't.

No it's an awful idea. Why do you need to speak to her when she's on the train and when she gets to work, that seems a bit excessive too! I went away to uni at 18 and didn't text my mum every day.
In the kindest way possible, you need to start letting go a bit.

The worse you can do is ask her.

@Kshhuxnxk

The worse you can do is ask her.

I'd have moved out so fast if my parents had done that. Glad I didn't grow up at a time that texting for arrival at work was normal.

I was doing a similar journey for work/uni at your DD's age. No way would I have let my mum put a tracker on me - it's controlling and an invasion of privacy. She is an adult.

Where would you draw the line? Watch when she's on nights out, meeting a date etc? I moved out at 18, would you still track her then so you know when she's home or not?

I think you need to focus on your anxetiy and learn to let go...I'm learning with my adult children.

My mother would always be checking up on me, because she was anxious, when I was younger - checking my car was parked at work, calling me at work etc. It was suffocating, annoying and something I would never put my own children through.

At 18 that’s not ok and in a kind way I think you need to work on your anxiety so that you don’t need to check she’s at work. She’s an adult and shouldn’t need to let her mum know where she is all the time

DS is right. She's 18.

Is there a particular reason that you are concerned that she can’t make it to work safely?

No, it's not ok. And wouldn't be any different to tracking her phone.

If you're worried about her losing the keys, then the AirTag should be registered to her phone, not yours.

I worry if DS is staying with us and comes home late, but when he was 18 and living 300 miles away at university I didn't worry about him at all! No you really shouldn't be checking up on her commute like that. And maybe DD should find a flatshare soon for both your sakes. It's all part of her growing up.