Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having an air tag on car keys akin to stalking?

54 replies

Planttreesplease · 13/02/2022 11:37

DD (18) has recently started a new job and also passed her driving test.

She has a 15 minute drive to the train station at 6am then takes a 20 minute train journey into our capital city and then a short walk to work.

I’m anxious until she arrives and usually we text when she’s on the train and when she gets into work. She’s happy to do this, doesn’t consider it a problem and I can then relax and get on with my day.

I’ve thought about getting an air tag to add to the car keys so I can then check she’s arrived at the car park ok and then as she’ll be carrying the keys I can check she got to work ok.

I mentioned it to DS 21 who considered it stalking and said at 18 I shouldn’t be doing this. It has made me reevaluate it, should I just forget the idea or broach it with DD? I’d never do it surreptitiously, only with her permission but I also feel that I should be less anxious and just allow her to spread her wings without me worrying.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 13/02/2022 12:13

I’m confused as to why you’d discuss this with your DS rather than your DD. Given that she already texts you, she must either feel reassured that you are there for her to check in with or she’s aware of your worry about her and does the texting to reassure you. Why not just ask her then about tracking her?

nitsandwormsdodger · 13/02/2022 12:15

I will be doing this for my 11 year old when she starts secondary
You can not prevent bad things from happening
my daughter could still be hit by a car or abducted we will just find her stolen bag / body quicker

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 13/02/2022 12:15

If she’s happy with it and it saves her a job of texting you, I don’t see the problem. I’ve got find my friends enabled on the phone because it eases my mums anxiety, I don’t care if she knows where I am and I’m rubbish at remember to text and say I’ve arrived places.

If she’s not happy with the concept then it’s not okay.

Vispa · 13/02/2022 12:16

Sorry OP I'm a terrible worrier and even I think that all the texts are excessive, let alone the tracking device. It sounds very suffocating (unless there are additional needs involved). Why don't you stop all that, and ask her to get a personal safety app eg Shake2Safety, so if she is ever really worried or in trouble she can alert you safely, that puts her in control of it and gives you some peace of mind without the constantly checking up on her. And I say that as a parent who uses a tracking device on my child, but she is 12 and has disabilities/is visually impaired so for her it is an essential aid to independence for if she gets lost.

whatnumber · 13/02/2022 12:23

I totally understand how you feel as I would track my DS if I could and yes I have anxiety over his safety.
However:
I love my mum but she constantly needs to know where I've been.
It makes me keep some things back from her for no reason other than the fact that she has always constantly asked!
I'm 45 Blush!
There is another similar thread at the moment and some of the comments are really insightful - for example putting your anxiety on your dd will increase her anxiety and tell her she cannot look after and be responsible for herself. Almost infantilising her.

lucylucyapplejuicy · 13/02/2022 12:25

I wouldn't. At 18 I had already moved out of my parents home and was pretty much left to my own devices, it's all part of growing up

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/02/2022 12:26

Stop burdening her with your anxiety.

Original poster
Planttreesplease · 13/02/2022 12:26

Thanks for the head wobble, I had mentioned it to DS as he has an air tag and I wondered if it would work in keeping a track of my keys (it’s my car that she uses btw).

I’m not going to even say anything to DD, I have to stop worrying, I know that. I did it with DS (I’m much better now I know he’s been driving a while) and he won’t pander to my anxiety- he just refuses to text or let me know he’s just ok. DD is a lot more understanding but it’s a step too far, I recognise this.

OP posts:
LondonQueen · 13/02/2022 12:27

I wouldn't be very happy if my DM was keeping tabs on me at 18!

CovidCorvid · 13/02/2022 12:28

Dd has a trackable tile on her car keys which I bought for her but only because she keeps losing them. Never crossed my mind to track her! She’s an adult. If she doesn’t get to work ok someone will let you know.

FinallyHere · 13/02/2022 12:29

I’m anxious until she arrives

I earnestly encourage you to get some treatment for your anxiety. It's not good to allow it to spill over into the lives of adult children.

OpheliaThrupps · 13/02/2022 12:32

This seems ok to me. You say "capital city", we don't know where. But let's be honest, anything could happen on that journey.

sashagabadon · 13/02/2022 12:35

Would you have liked your mum tracking you at age 18?

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 13/02/2022 12:36

No I think you have to sort /keep your own anxiety without putting a tracking device on her. She might say it is ok but there is no way that doesn’t on some level make her think there is an imminent danger to her, I’d say it unfair to her mental health to do this. What she is doing is fine and she should be able to take a spontaneous detour with no one needing to know.
If she was going abroad, I’d like a text or call to say they got to accommodation ok.

Goldi321 · 13/02/2022 12:37

Blimey! At 18 I was 100 miles away from my parents at university and didn’t speak to them for days/weeks on end. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to keep in constant contact to appease their anxieties. Why don’t you trust that your adult DD can get herself to and from work ok and will let you know if she has any issues?

Chestofdraws · 13/02/2022 12:41

I’m glad you’ve realised. This is very far from ok. You need to do something about your anxiety. Not make it your child’s problem to appease.

Chishnfips · 13/02/2022 12:42

That's a bit of a leap from the traditional give us 3 rings when you get there.

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 13/02/2022 12:43

Sorry I’ve crossed posts with your update! I think you have raised a sensible son and I think your daughter’s willingness to help your anxiety does not change whether you do this. Brew it’s not easy.

Chestofdraws · 13/02/2022 12:43

Also op, I think you need to talk to your daughter and explain to her she’s perfectly safe and she doesn’t need to text you any more, and that it’s your own mental health that’s the problem here and you wish to take personal responsibility to get better.

pinkyredrose · 13/02/2022 12:46

Did you do similar when your son was 18?

FinallyHere · 13/02/2022 12:46

give us 3 rings when you get there.

I grew up in that era. And stay on the line so we pickup in an emergency only. 😀

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 13/02/2022 12:49

@OpheliaThrupps

This seems ok to me. You say "capital city", we don't know where. But let's be honest, anything could happen on that journey.
This is what I was wondering- which capital city - is it a city notorious for high levels of crime?
EdinaMonsoon · 13/02/2022 12:52

I don't think an airtag is the solution here. You do need to address your anxiety related to her safety. That may or may not involve talking to someone but you could start by being honest with yourself about how much it is affecting your life. I totally understand your fears for her but it needs to be tempered by the reality of the likelihood of something happening vs always being on edge and also the impact your anxiety could potentially have on her feelings of security in the world.

In our family, we are all signed up to Life360. None of us are routinely checking on each other but it does give some level of peace of mind if I haven't heard from eldest DS for a week (he's at uni & busy making up for his first two years of pandemic lockdown education so fair enough that he's having too good a time to let mum know he's still alive and well!) and youngest DS for example finds it handy to check & see if we're on our way to collect him and we're running late: saves him waiting ages in the cold! None of us see it as "keeping tabs" or tracking & it seems a pretty common thing that people use. Perhaps that's a halfway house to consider at this stage?

TokyoTen · 13/02/2022 13:05

I have 2 DC both 20. Sorry but I think you need to learn to live with it.

HyacynthBucket · 13/02/2022 13:22

Have you ever used flower essence? They are really good for all kinds of emotional states, whether temporary or more ingrained. Red Chestnut (a Bach remedy) is the one for you - for overcare for the welfare of others.