Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel frustrated by issues in the bedroom

28 replies

Jacamoz · 12/02/2022 16:16

Ok, so I’ll get straight to the point and I apologise in advance for the bluntness of my post. My dh keeps loosing his erection when we have sex and I’m so fucking frustrated. I have been nothing but supportive and understanding up to now and have never made my dh feel embarrassed or pressured. but inside I feel sad and frustrated. I ask him what’s wrong and he tells me he doesn’t know but I have a feeling he does. Don’t get me wrong I know some men once they’re in their 40’s can suffer with erection problems every now and again but with my husband it’s a bit different. Foreplay is amazing between us and when we are doing that he is rock hard yet the moment we start to initiate sex he goes all floppy. If he were having problems in general gaining or keeping an erection then I’d suggest going to see the GP for a check up but the fact he can gain an erection easily eg the other day we had a quick passionate kiss and bam there it was, and can keep it throughout the whole of foreplay makes me think something else is going on. AIBU to think there is something he’s not telling me?

OP posts:

Warszawa · 12/02/2022 17:47

If he has failed a few times he might be feeling pressured when it's time for PIV.

If he has failed before it's a bit vicious circle .

Has anything changed ? Has he recently recover from an illness or l injury ?

I'd suggest using ED medication at least once - if it's psychological and you successfully do it once it should build confidence for the next time without medication.

If he is hiding something guilt can obviously be one reason for the loss of his hard on

but obviously that's something you would be in a better position to know - had he been unfaithful or hidden something before ?

Original poster

Jacamoz · 12/02/2022 17:59

No, nothing has changed between us as far as I know. We get on really well, make each other laugh, he’s a great dad to our kids etc. So I just don’t know. The only thing I can think of is a couple of times when we’ve had sex he hasn’t lasted very long but I didn’t make a big deal about it as usually this isn’t an issue. But who knows maybe he felt embarrassed. If this is the case though he could just say.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacamoz · 12/02/2022 18:00

Oh and no, as far as I know he hasn’t been unfaithful.

OP posts:

Warszawa · 12/02/2022 18:04

Yeah with a long term partner usually finishing too soon isn't a big deal.

I'd suggest as above to try the medication you can get it online without a prescription, if it's psychological which it sounds like it is it should help.

But that being said you can't rule out a psychical cause either so 100% worth checking with gp.

To be honest if he doesn't want to be honest and find a solution and hides behind embarrassment that would annoy me - a lot more than the frustration you must feel.

I hope it gets sorted soon

Firsttimemum1313 · 12/02/2022 18:06

Sounds to me like it's just a case of a vicious circle. He's just in his head worrying that it's going to happen again and then it does because he's in his head worrying about it.

Can you maybe try finishing each other off without it a few times? Take the pressure off?

StripyOnesie · 12/02/2022 18:06

Meds are a godsend after the age of 40!!!!

Brainwave89 · 12/02/2022 18:09

Hi OP my DH has had this problem. Please be clear it has nothing to do with going elsewhere or not loving you. It is a mixture of physical and psychological usually and ciallis (similar to viagra), has worked wonders. I understand it is hard, but if you add pressure the psychology gets worse.

MissConductUS · 12/02/2022 18:23

He has ED, which is defined as the inability to maintain a satisfactory erection. The root cause is the loss of vascular elasticity, which is pretty normal for men in their 40's. The ED meds are very effective at helping a man stay hard longer. I'd try Sildenafil first.

If that doesn't help he needs a checkup. Male hypogonadism (low testosterone) is another possible cause and commonly presents in their 40's.

I'm an HCP and have been through this with my DH.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 12/02/2022 18:23

Yeah I’d certainly be open to dh trying viagra but it’s dh’s decision at the end of the day and I’m not sure if he’ll be willing. I hope he would be willing to try it even if it’s just the once to see how bit goes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacamoz · 12/02/2022 18:25

Yeah I’ve looked into ED but it didn’t seem to fit my dh as he’s able to maintain an erection for a long time when we are fooling around. Last weekend we were in bed for just over and hour and he maintained his erection throughout. It’s just when we actually go to have sex it’s an issue.

OP posts:

Crazykatie · 12/02/2022 18:33

You need to try Viagra or Cialis, it’s a confidence thing, once he gets his confidence back he probably won’t need any, you are both keen so that should cure the problem.

MissConductUS · 12/02/2022 18:52

If he kept his erection for over an hour I'd blindfold him and jump him so that he didn't see it coming.

Seriously, as @Crazykatie said, the medication may give him a confidence boost. Is he possibly worried about you getting pregnant?

Iamthedom · 12/02/2022 18:56

Is he diabetic
I know from experience that my ex could stay hard but go soft as sun as we actually had sex
It was down to him being diabetic and not knowing

nellly · 12/02/2022 19:10

We had the same problem for a while (after I was pregnant, maybe what set it off? )

Meds were great and easy to get discreetly. Got us through the tricky patch and we didn't need them after about 2 months

Useranon1 · 12/02/2022 19:19

When mine was struggling with this it was all psychological. Happened if we were having make up sex, going through a hard time, was feeling nervous or stressed.

Also happened then entire time he was cheating I later realised. I'm not saying that's it before anyone jumps on me - just explaining how tied an erection can be to emotions

gogohm · 12/02/2022 19:23

Is he on antidepressants, they can cause issues.

That said Dp was as you described when we first met, he's usually fine now, I think it was psychological, so worried what I would think ... now your dp has had problems it's worrying him each time worse kind of thing. The little blue pills are good for getting confidence back in told (we didn't use them though)

Maggie178 · 12/02/2022 19:35

I'd suggest he go see his GP to rule out any underlying health condition. Turned out my dh erection issues were down to kidney failure.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 12/02/2022 19:39

Would you try a quickie without much foreplay? If he stays hard this may boost his confidence for the next time.
Viagra may work.
Do you think there may be anything he’s into that he hasn’t mentioned to you?
Is he on blood pressure medication?

FinallyHere · 12/02/2022 20:03

. I hope he would be willing to try it even if it’s just the once to see how bit goes.

I get that this will be really difficult for you both but honestly, talking about it in a very non pressurising way is the only way forward

Trying to second guess what he is thinking can get really really complicated. Just talk.

And almost certainly requires a GP check up to rule out all sorts of things.

tinkywinkyshandbag · 12/02/2022 22:40

Put the boot on the other foot..what if you had vaginismus or some other condition that made PIV uncomfortable or even impossible? Would you be happy if he was still insisting on penetrative sex? It sounds like you do still have a good sexual relationship in that there is foreplay and sexual contact. Do you have an orgasm when you have this? Does he? Could you take the pressure off by using sex toys or masturbating? It just feels like you're putting a lot of emphasis on the penetration part of sex. It just feels like a lot of pressure to put you both under.

Moonmelodies · 12/02/2022 22:45

To be fair, not everyone gets off with PIV.

LowlyTheWorm · 12/02/2022 22:46

Just orgasm through foreplay and then you don’t even “need” PIV which would then take the pressure off him. Poor guy.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 13/02/2022 07:32

We do engage in foreplay and I haven’t put any pressure on him but I enjoy PIV too.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/02/2022 07:34

My DH refused to try Viagra and that was the beginning of the end of our sex life. Now we are sex-less in separate bedrooms.

Original poster

Jacamoz · 13/02/2022 07:43

Oh wow really. That must be so difficult for you. I’ve always had a slightly higher sex drive than my dh but it’s never been an issue. As far as I know nothing has changed between us to cause him to have these problems but I obviously don’t live inside his head so who knows. Communication isn’t great from him to be honest.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2