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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to work at my daughter’s school

28 replies

Hesma · 12/02/2022 13:16

So here goes. My daughter is in year 7 at our village comp where I also work as a cover supervisor (we started st same time). I love my job, the team and the kids. Sure there’s the odd tricky lesson but on the whole it’s great. I took the job there as it’s paying £200 per month more than my last school which is a lot for me as a single mum and I have no travel costs so makes a huge difference.
However, my DD is now refusing to be seen in public with me because everyone hates me ( I know that’s not true) and is being really rude and argumentative. I truly don’t know what to do? Any ideas? I’m struggling to make the best life I can for her and her sister. AIBU by working at the local school?

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 12/02/2022 13:39

Sheg needs to know you don't care if other pupils don't like you (it's not your job to be liked), so she shouldn't care either. My mum taught at my Primary and then qt my sister's secondary. We used to laugh when people told us our mum was awful and say try living with her. She'll get over it.

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 12/02/2022 13:52

I taught at my DS school for 2 years. We both loved it.

Malbecfan · 12/02/2022 14:02

I taught at my DDs' secondary school. I'm in my 20th year there. DD1 left in 2017 and DD2 in 2019 so I was already there when they arrived and am still there. I don't give a toss what anyone thinks of me. I'm not there to be liked. I'm there to do a job. Actually, I did get on really well with a lot of their friends and ended up teaching both of them briefly.

The most unnerving thing now is one of DD1's friends is now back as a Cover Supervisor. Her DM teaches there and both her DBs are still students. She is absolutely brilliant at it, although the older DB's mates remember her well, however, as y13s, they don't give her any trouble. It's lovely having a recent graduate in my subject back around school.

OP, tell your DC to find you a job equally as convenient with as low (or lower) commuting costs and better money and of course you'll move school.

Lockedoorsopen · 12/02/2022 14:04

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

I taught at my DS school for 2 years. We both loved it.
Such a helpful comment...
StylishMummy · 12/02/2022 14:17

I'd be having a serious conversation with her that her phone/bedroom/clothes are funded by you working and you work bloody hard to provide for her, she shouldn't be bothered by you being at her school & she certainly shouldn't be rude to you!

Chestofdraws · 12/02/2022 14:35

Op sit her down and talk to her, explain why you need to do it, explore more what’s happening with her, who is saying what. I imagine some kids are taking the piss. It’s important to recognise that this isn’t about uou, it’s about her and pressure she’s under.

TowandaForever · 12/02/2022 14:36

I went to the primary schools one of my parents taught at. Absolutely hated it. Would not do this to my child if there were other options.

Peppapigforlife · 12/02/2022 14:39

My mum worked at my primary school in my last couple of years. It was awful, I was excluded from feeling part of the class because they all had to deal with her and said she was annoying and moaned at me about it. I lost all my privacy too within my friendship groups and all of us sharing which boys we liked etc. All the gossip got back to her. I couldn't just be a normal child within the school because no one else had their mum there, finding out all their business.
You're not being unreasonable to work there if it's the only option, but if she's saying that others have a negative perception of you, don't just dismiss it, you don't know how every pre teen and teenager is going to interpret your teaching style.
Also as she gets older, she's also going to lose privacy with regards to relationships and blossoming into an adult.
I'm not saying don't work there, but at least listen to her and don't just dismiss her feelings as irrelevant.
Another way to think about it from her perspective, is would it bother you if your own mum suddenly turned up at your job and was in the staff room with you and all your great colleagues where you are having a great time?

Maestrog · 12/02/2022 14:41

Parents are always SO embarrassing for teens Grin. Steer a middle ground, be supportive and understanding to a degree but don't tolerate outright rudeness or change your job.

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2022 14:43

She is a teen. We can mortify them by breathing. Sit down and let her talk. Explain that you understand its embarrassing for her etc but this job pays more and has cut down on travel costs. Say your bot worried about being liked, your there to do a good job. Give her a huge hug, sympathise that it is unfair but that's life

CatJumperTwat · 12/02/2022 14:48

You're not unreasonable to get the best pay you can, but I feel for her as well. In your shoes I'd keep looking for jobs in other schools and move as soon as I could.

Maestrog · 12/02/2022 14:51

Your mum being a cover teacher in secondary is a very different situation to her being a class primary teacher though. Roving cover teacher is a tough gig but it doesn't put you in the same room as any of her friends or peers 25+ hours a week. It's an hour here and there.

If it becomes bullying, that's different. Keep an eye out for that.

coffeeisthebest · 12/02/2022 14:51

This has been helpful for me to read. My Dad taught at my secondary school and I hated it, was mortified seeing him and although he never taught me he did occasionally cover lessons that I had if my teachers were off. I wish we could have had sensible conversations about why the job was so important for him and for us as a family, that he didn't care one jot what anyone thought of him as he was there to do a job ( he wouldn't have said this though as he was and still is heavily invested in his likeability) and also that he would respect my boundaries by not finding out too much about me from other teachers at school and then relaying back to me jokily about what other teacher's had said. There are ways to get through these kind of things and he did not manage it well. I'm sure with better communication I would have coped with it better. This sounds like an amazing opportunity for you so don't let it go without at least attempting to change things with your daughter.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 12/02/2022 14:53

What age is year 7?

Is she just growing up a bit and doesn't want to be around mum all the time?

Peppapigforlife · 12/02/2022 14:55

@Maestrog

Your mum being a cover teacher in secondary is a very different situation to her being a class primary teacher though. Roving cover teacher is a tough gig but it doesn't put you in the same room as any of her friends or peers 25+ hours a week. It's an hour here and there.

If it becomes bullying, that's different. Keep an eye out for that.

Maybe I didn't make it super clear, but she wasn't the class primary school teacher, she just worked at the school and all my classmates and me had to come into contact with her somewhere along the line.
Hankunamatata · 12/02/2022 14:58

@Maestrog

Your mum being a cover teacher in secondary is a very different situation to her being a class primary teacher though. Roving cover teacher is a tough gig but it doesn't put you in the same room as any of her friends or peers 25+ hours a week. It's an hour here and there.

If it becomes bullying, that's different. Keep an eye out for that.

Agree 100%
Hankunamatata · 12/02/2022 15:02

After you had a chat perhaps ask her for some school rules you could both follow. Give her a feeling of control - it could be a simple as makingnsure your mum head is on at home. Also perhaps an afterschool treat once a week straight after school.

ChocolateMassacre · 12/02/2022 15:09

I also had a parent working at my school (who taught me). Imo parents should avoid working at their children's schools if they can. It may be unavoidable but it's not great for your DD.

If you do have to keep working there, I'd be clear with your DD that it's fine for her not to want to be seen with you and to want to play down the relationship in public, but she can't be rude and argumentative in private.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 12/02/2022 15:15

I am on your daughters side here friends mam worked at the school we were in and it was none stop everything from mocking her or excluding her incase she grassed she missed out so much and became withdrawn

WonderfulYou · 12/02/2022 15:20

I don’t think parents should work in the same schools as their children.

My DC is very well behaved and I still wouldn’t do it but I work with parents who’s DCs are terrors and it’s very embarrassing for them.

If you worked in the reception/office then maybe it would be better but it’s still nit ideal.
I had to speak to my work colleague a few weeks ago and their child beat up someone and was being homophobic and racist towards them.

I do think the kids play up because either they think they’re invincible because their parents work at the school or because they’re rebelling for doing so.

affairsofdragons · 12/02/2022 15:44

I'd also be having a very serious conversation with her about the realities of life and what the extra money means to you as a family and her own life. Tell her she can kiss off doing/having x, y and z if you have to take a £200 monthly pay cut AND add in commute costs and travel time to work elsewhere.

She is beyond ridiculous ... and I type that as a mother who worked in her children's primary school (and continues to do so now that they've all moved on to secondary).

piefacedClique · 12/02/2022 15:54

My dream job had just come up in the best school in our area…. I think I’d have a good chance of getting it but my son is due to start there in sept and we’ve always promised we would never teach in the same school they went too. A few of my friends parents worked at our Comp and they hated it! Other kids took the piss out of their parents or slagged them off without even thinking about it. We have one parent with kids at the school I teach at and he gets a much harder time than others…. The slightest thing and teachers go to her when they wouldn’t take the time to ring the parents of other kids involved.

piefacedClique · 12/02/2022 15:55

But I agree you should remind her that your hard work is funding her lifestyle and that she needs to remember that

ChocolateMassacre · 12/02/2022 16:20

The divided loyalties make it quite hard for a child. Children can be brutal about their teachers but no child is really OK with hearing their peers slagging off their parents. Instead, often they either have to pretend they are OK with it or they find themselves on the outside of the group. It puts a barrier between the parent and child so the child can no longer talk openly to their parents about their worries and concerns.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/02/2022 16:20

So, what is she prepared to go without that's worth fifty-plus quid a week?

There's an understanding where staff have children in the same school; you do not refer to it, they do not refer to it, all normal communications are sent purely to the home email, never the work one, you don't cross the divide by bringing things up - at home, you're her Mum, at work, you're staff. Other staff should do the same as a matter of course. And the kids should do exactly the same.

If you have to cover a class where she's present and is being a twat, you treat her the same as anybody else being a twat, albeit you may need to ask the HoD or HoY to input any behaviour points or detentions. It's likely you won't be the only member of staff in that position, so you should get support as a matter of course.

It's worked for many staff at my workplaces; where an issue came up that meant the child would be better served by going to another school, the child moved as the decision was made as though they were just any other parent in that situation.

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