Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use the same middle name as friend?

38 replies

ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:23

I'm currently pregnant. No idea if we're having a boy or girl, so we've thought of names for both (a first and middle name). One of the middle names I have always loved so we'd like to choose that.
DP also loves it and it's the first name we've agreed on!

However I mentioned to DP that our friends child also has that as a middle name.
DP now doesn't want to have that as a middle name saying that my friend will be really upset. I do think this could be true as she's already been upset with us thinking that we 'copied' her kitchen tiles despite them being quite standard. I don't think it's a big deal but DP has said friend will feel very differently and like it's a massive deal.

I'll be gutted not to have this name as the full name together, first middle and last sounds so lovely. But DP is having none of it saying we can't upset our friend and we need to choose something else.

Would we be unreasonable to have the name and speak to friend beforehand?

OP posts:
Susu49 · 12/02/2022 09:25

Ynbu

If friend is going to be upset then friend needs to get over herself.

Your dp sounds v sweet though :)

Movingonup22 · 12/02/2022 09:25

Why would your friends feelings even e remotely relevant?

Especially as she is clearly batshit given the kitchen tile incident….

2pinkginsplease · 12/02/2022 09:25

It’s a middle name, I’d use it.

If it was a first name then I wouldn’t use it but who uses their middle name these days. I hate my middle name and just deny all knowledge of it , unless I have to fill in official forms.

FootrotDog · 12/02/2022 09:27

Don't even speak to friend. Use whichever name you like. No-one "owns" a name! You don't need their permission or acceptance. And it's a middle name too!
I'm not sure many of my friends would know what my DS's middle name even is!

EileenGC · 12/02/2022 09:27

Why does the friend need to know the middle name? I've never asked new parents what their baby's middle name is, I only know that information from people that volunteered it. Just don't tell her the name.

DysmalRadius · 12/02/2022 09:27

Do you even need to tell your friend the middle name?

MindyStClaire · 12/02/2022 09:27

If it's Rose or May or anything like that just go ahead.

If it's something more unusual you'll have to weigh up whether the drama is worth it for you or if you can find another name you both like just as much.

I mean, your friend sounds batshit, but you might want to swerve the drama for an easy life.

Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:30

I did say to DP that we don't need to even mention the middle name as she'd probably never know. But DP wants to do an announcement when the baby is born with their full name, date they were born etc. So she'd see it then.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 12/02/2022 09:31

I would use it as a middle name. Friends come and go through out our lives. You may not even be in contact with her in a few years time.

M0rT · 12/02/2022 09:32

I know more than one person who let the names of their friends children influence their own choice.
Most of them no longer see the friend and if they do the children are definitely not friends with each other.
Looking at your parents, aunt's, uncles etc. How many of them are still in regular contact with the people they knew when they were starting their families?
I know two close friends with children with the same first name because for both couples the name was chosen before they even got pregnant.
The friendship hasn't suffered but realistically due to distance/different schools etc the children will grow up knowing who the other is but unlikely to actually become friends in their own right.
Best of luck with your pregnancy 🍀

Giraffesandbottoms · 12/02/2022 09:33

I would be annoyed that my husband cared more about my friend’s feelings than my own

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 09:34

You do not discuss names with anyone other than your DP. That’s where problems start.

Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:34

@MindyStClaire
It is a less common name. But it's one I really love.

@Mamamia7962
Yes I also said this. We see this friend maybe twice per year. We have no mutual friends either so it isn't like our friends would all notice we have the same middle name.
Not that many people remember kids middle names anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:36

@M0rT
Thank you 😊
Yes exactly. I don't want it to influence the decision of our child's name as I've also seen this happen before and the friends are no longer even in touch.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/02/2022 09:37

Don't tell her in advance. It sounds like you are asking for her permission. Just let her know when the baby is born. This person may not be your friend in a few years time. Don't make life-long decisions based on her whims.

Blueroses99 · 12/02/2022 09:37

I had a friend that liked a particular name but didn’t use it as the boy next door had the same name and thought it would be confusing. Neighbour moved away before the child was one. 🤷🏽‍♀️

If you like it, use it. Don’t tell your friend in advance but just say you liked the names together.

SirChenjins · 12/02/2022 09:38

I’d just use it - it’s a middle name, no-one apart from close family remembers them. If you only see her a couple of times a year you can reduce that to once a year and then never if she kicks off over something so trivial. She sounds like hard work.

Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:39

@Giraffesandbottoms I think it's more because my friend is so sensitive. She was making snide remarks on how we'd copied the kitchen tiles and she was a bit off with us.
She's also mentioned to us other friends who have copied her for one thing or another and has been really upset and annoyed about it, such as picking the same wallpaper as her etc.

OP posts:
SeraphinaDombegh · 12/02/2022 09:39

YANBU. Nobody remembers a child's middle name apart from close family anyway, and they never get mentioned or used once the dust settles! Use whatever middle name you like. If she's bothered, well 🤷🏻

Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 09:50

@SeraphinaDombegh
I thought that. No one hardly remembers a child's middle name.
I think even DP wouldn't have remembered that's my friends child's middle name if I hadn't said it!

OP posts:
LottyD32 · 12/02/2022 10:06

[quote ButWhereDoesItEnd]@Giraffesandbottoms I think it's more because my friend is so sensitive. She was making snide remarks on how we'd copied the kitchen tiles and she was a bit off with us.
She's also mentioned to us other friends who have copied her for one thing or another and has been really upset and annoyed about it, such as picking the same wallpaper as her etc. [/quote]
I'd phase her out.

Wisemensay · 12/02/2022 10:09

Just use it! I've got 2 very close friends - 2 of us are currently expecting and one just had a boy. If we all have boys, they'll all have the same middle name. It's a family name for each of us for various reasons. None of us cared in the slightest!

caranations · 12/02/2022 10:19

Use it. Don't tell her. Job done.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/02/2022 10:20

Anyone upset at this is daft. Use the name you love.

Original poster
ButWhereDoesItEnd · 12/02/2022 10:21

@Wisemensay
I've asked a couple of friends how they'd feel if it was them and they've said they wouldn't really be bothered. So I know some people wouldn't really be upset by it.
But this one would. I really think she'd be upset by it. But like I say, she was upset about our kitchen tiles. And her friend buying the same wallpaper for their bedroom! And I just love the name.

OP posts: