Can't. Ring myself to speak to family member after this comment

[Wednesdayafternoon]

Ds is 5. He's got a few struggles when it comes to his anger. He can go from 0-10 very quickly and it's challenging. He says mean things and takes a while to calm down. When he's happy and well he's wonderful, which is 80% of the time, but I will absolutely be the first to say he can be hard work.
I've spoke to the school nurse and his teacher as well as his dad so I feel like I'm doing my best. I'm a single mum of 2.

Anyway, he had a meltdown this week and a very close family member was really annoyed at him and stormed up to me and said "that boy needs professional help, he's not normal". I then said I've spoke to the nurse etc and them family member did an annoyed laugh/smirk and said "what and they think that's normal, it isn't".

I was so taken back by this comment wnd the way I was approached. This is my son, my ride and joy. He was having a meltdown aide he was struggling with his feelings at that point and for that family member to say he's not normal and he needs professional help was so upsetting for me. I haven't brought myself to speak to this person since, and they are walking around as if I am the bad guy here, storming around me etc. But I do not see what I have done wrong in this situation!

That family member needs a wide berth op.

That would hurt me immensely! How rude. Ignore! And avoid!

That's so nasty of them, ignore.

My mum said the same about my daughter when she was around 3 as she had terrible tamper tantrums. Try and ignore it. For what it’s worth my DD is 14 now and no trouble at all, she doesn’t have an anger or tantrum problem and can’t tell you when I last had to tell her off for anything

I also had family telling me my DS had ‘something not right’ with DS. He was always Quick to anger & had meltdowns. HV & a couple of teachers said all was well.

He was actually diagnosed as ADHD & ASD age 7.

However, my family members didn’t say this in front of him and I didn’t feel the need to ignore them over it.

Why haven’t you discussed with them how you are feeling? Do you live with them? It doesn’t seem a great atmosphere for your DC if you live with them and are ignoring the person and they are stomping round in a mood.

Had this too with my DS from my DM when he was turning 4.

He had (and occasionally still does) an affinity for absolutely wild tantrums that he couldn’t calm down from. It’s taken me ages to learn how to help him cope with them. He’s gotten much better but it’s been a long hard road!

I was so worried about it after my DM comment that I asked HV, childminder and nursery teacher who all had no concerns at all.

It hurts when people say things like this but try not to take it to heart.

The comment hurts more because it obviously absolutely shatters my heart when I see my son fall into one of these meltdowns. I hate it, I wish I could take the anger away and deal with it myself but obviously I can't. I've used resources to try and help him and he is over coming a lot of his little struggles but the tantrums atm are extremely challenging!
The family member is my mum. She knows me and him inside out. I just feel like she can't take back what she's said now. I'm just always going to feel like she thinks "he's not normal"..... what does that even mean 😢💔

My father - professional man retired in academia told me to put my youngster in a home as they were deaf and concentrate on the eldest. Haven’t spoken to him since.

Reading your OP, it sounded like a mum that you maybe live with.
Do you live with her? Is she maybe finding that too much?

She probably thinks you're a bit soft with him.

She finds it difficult because she has never experienced it. Understanding behaviour is actually very new. I work with challenging behaviour daily. My dm will often say its the times and children were never like this when I was a child etc.

Your feelings are understandable. These are not the kind of comments that makes you feel supported. Her remarks also fail to acknowledge the fact that you’re already working on dealing with ds’s anger.

But your mum’s outburst is probably only out of her frustration. As much as it would be better for her to keep a lid on her own feelings and focus on you/him she might not be capable of it. Or perhaps she was just having a bad day. Maybe give it a bit of time but I would then try and talk to her about your feelings and what you’re already doing. You might need to accept that despite being your mum she might not be best placed to support you with this particular issue.

@Itsalmostanaccessory yes I'm temporarily living with my mum.
I'm trying to move out but I'm recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship and I just need the company!

I do totally understand it's a lot though for my parents, but at the same time I just don't think those comments are right. He's a person, he's family. It's so hurtful :(

@vincettenoir

Your feelings are understandable. These are not the kind of comments that makes you feel supported. Her remarks also fail to acknowledge the fact that you’re already working on dealing with ds’s anger.

But your mum’s outburst is probably only out of her frustration. As much as it would be better for her to keep a lid on her own feelings and focus on you/him she might not be capable of it. Or perhaps she was just having a bad day. Maybe give it a bit of time but I would then try and talk to her about your feelings and what you’re already doing. You might need to accept that despite being your mum she might not be best placed to support you with this particular issue.

Yes I think you're totally right ❤️ Thank you xx

@Sometimeswinning

She finds it difficult because she has never experienced it. Understanding behaviour is actually very new. I work with challenging behaviour daily. My dm will often say its the times and children were never like this when I was a child etc.

Yes you're absolutely right. She has always said how lucky she was as me and my sister were so well behaved, so I can't expect her to understand... and I don't either. But I just can't get them comments out of my head!

My son use to get “cross” like you have described at this age. It’s usually related to emotional regulation and being able to feel their feelings. Really helped him that when he is feeling something I.e sad or mad or jealous etc then he says it out loud. Then he can feel that emotion and embrace it and move on. When he wasn’t accepting his emotions it would always just come out in anger. Behavior reward charts worked a treat too as did giving pocket money but not being able to take any away no matter how naughty he was this makes them realise that you can move forward from a bag behavior rather than it engulfing then for the rest of the day. Hope this helps. He will get there. I now have a very lovely, calm 9 year old!

The comment hurts more because it obviously absolutely shatters my heart when I see my son fall into one of these meltdowns.

Shatters your heart?! I’m guessing you just your son scream or whatever due to his ‘little struggles’ and your family are fed up.

Take him out of the room when he starts.

Did she say he’s not normal, or his behaviour is not normal? Neither is great, I know, but his behaviour does sound outside the range of usual 5 year old behaviour. Especially if she had well behaved children herself.

If he/you need support with his anger, talk to your HV. They should be able to help.

My mum can be like this. Her worst criticisms are borne out of love and worry for the person being criticised.

It’s really hard to take sometimes though, especially when it’s directed at your child, I know all too well.

I’ve no real advice other than pick what you can tolerate, and what you cannot, then either deflect it or vocally stand up for yourself/your son.

I've had this from a family member. It got much worse before we went NC. Was hilarious watching her not handle her own DC as a toddler though.

It's easier said then done but best to ignore. People like that aren't worth trying to educate, they tend to be vile to the bone.

I'm sure your mother loves you and your children, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's fed up with you living with her. Her peace and tranquility are a distant memory, I'm sure. You need to find your own place.

If you’rve recently left an abusive relationship, this can leave a lot of emotional imprints on a child’s behaviour. His meltdowns sound like a completely normal trauma reaction so she would do well to educate herself on how best to support her Gs and help you make him feel safe rather than criticising. Good luck OP

You've just escaped an abusive relationship and your son has some anger issues? A blind man could see the two may very well be linked.
Very best wishes to you, OP, I hope you can get out to your own home soon and your DS can start to settle down.

My mum said similar to my sister about my 4yo nephew. She called him a brat actually

It was VERY out of character for her, she's usually incredibly supportive with all of our DC but she had reached the end of her tether and blurted it out in frustration. Truth is he is a bit of a brat and it's not so much the behaviour itself that frustrated her but the way his parents handled it - i.e minimising, no consequences, sometimes actually rewarding him for bad behavior by giving in to demands/giving him "treats" etc. she was agog that they'd just let him speak rudely to her over and over and she snapped.

It was awkward as obviously no one wants to hear these things about their DC as it's incredibly hurtful but once then dust settled they had a heart to heart about his behavior and things got a bit better.

It's hard, especially when you're living together but it seems you're doing everything you can. Just make sure you don't allow him to speak rudely to them and if he's melting down physically remove him from the room.

We’ll yes, he does need professional help.

Talking to school/nurse etc. isn’t adequate. Such intense anger isn’t normal.