Can't. Ring myself to speak to family member after this comment

[Wednesdayafternoon]

Ds is 5. He's got a few struggles when it comes to his anger. He can go from 0-10 very quickly and it's challenging. He says mean things and takes a while to calm down. When he's happy and well he's wonderful, which is 80% of the time, but I will absolutely be the first to say he can be hard work.
I've spoke to the school nurse and his teacher as well as his dad so I feel like I'm doing my best. I'm a single mum of 2.

Anyway, he had a meltdown this week and a very close family member was really annoyed at him and stormed up to me and said "that boy needs professional help, he's not normal". I then said I've spoke to the nurse etc and them family member did an annoyed laugh/smirk and said "what and they think that's normal, it isn't".

I was so taken back by this comment wnd the way I was approached. This is my son, my ride and joy. He was having a meltdown aide he was struggling with his feelings at that point and for that family member to say he's not normal and he needs professional help was so upsetting for me. I haven't brought myself to speak to this person since, and they are walking around as if I am the bad guy here, storming around me etc. But I do not see what I have done wrong in this situation!

@vincettenoir

Your feelings are understandable. These are not the kind of comments that makes you feel supported. Her remarks also fail to acknowledge the fact that you’re already working on dealing with ds’s anger.

But your mum’s outburst is probably only out of her frustration. As much as it would be better for her to keep a lid on her own feelings and focus on you/him she might not be capable of it. Or perhaps she was just having a bad day. Maybe give it a bit of time but I would then try and talk to her about your feelings and what you’re already doing. You might need to accept that despite being your mum she might not be best placed to support you with this particular issue.

Interesting that her mom is throwing an adult version of a tanty out of frustration, but has zero empathy for a 5 yo doing the same.

The words she used to point out the observation was nasty and unnecessary. Instead she could have gently suggested that perhaps you should get a 2nd opinion from a paediatrician.

My DS2 does the above behaviour. However, he has many other characteristics (echolalia, spinning, sensory seeking his food, obsessive playing, being unable to express how he feels) that when put together gives him a diagnosis of Autism.

@HelloDulling

Did she say he’s not normal, or his behaviour is not normal? Neither is great, I know, but his behaviour does sound outside the range of usual 5 year old behaviour. Especially if she had well behaved children herself.

If he/you need support with his anger, talk to your HV. They should be able to help.

He’s at school.....HV won’t be able to help....they deal with pre school children only

I am guessing this person is your mum or your dad? Can you see how they just said something mean and you are saying your son has been saying mean things ie they are both being mean. Do you think maybe your parent and your son have ADHD - we have a lot of ADHD in our family and emotional regulation is an issue when people are tired / frustrated.

Maybe you'd be better describing it as a tantrum.

A tantrum will cease when thee object of the tantrum is given to the child.

A meltdown is when a child is so overcome by sensory stimuli they cannot cope and no amount of offering them anything makes any difference, they need time to process what's happened.

If your child is having tantrums, then you can sort it with time and patience.
If your child is really having meltdowns, then you need to start thinking about neurodiversity.

www.understood.org/articles/en/compare-the-signs-how-to-tell-a-tantrum-from-a-meltdown

You need to be very very firm with children like this. They need boundaries and consistent behaviour management strategies. You sitting there being upset will do your son no good - you need to be very proactive in managing his behaviour. I expect your mum has tried to tell you this, but you won’t take her advice.

I’m not saying this to be unkind, OP, and it won’t be what you want to hear, but your child will be traumatised by the emotionally abusive relationship that you have just left. The next 50 comments will say he has SEN, of course, and he does in a way, but you can fix this if you are honest about what is happening and make a very big effort to apply behaviour management strategies consistently. I would let his school know you are struggling in the first instance and ask them to refer to family support, who will help you to deal with this. He probably needs play therapy.

There’s no point beating about the bush - you need to learn how to parent your child, including how to discipline him. I expect this is what your mum is trying to tell you. I see children like this all the time now; it’s far from an unusual situation and no, they don’t all have autism or ADHD, as they supposedly do on Mumsnet. The majority have parents with difficult lives. The good news is your son is 5. With a lot of work, you can turn this situation around. But if I were you, I would be working with your mum rather than against her.

OP, I get how hurtful this would be. My DS5 struggles badly with anger and I can imagine how Id feel if someone said something similar. Our local ed psych team has some really great leaflets on helping kids deal with anger, I can’t find them with a search but will look on my computer later.

Very gently, though, extreme episodes of anger at this age probably aren’t entirely ‘normal’, by which I simply mean that they may - possibly - need extra help beyond what a parent can give. I have suspicions about my DS and neurodiversity. Your own DS has undergone serious trauma. The comment was hurtful and unhelpful but it may be worth approaching the GP and seeing if you can get some therapy for your DS to help him deal with the underlying upset causing his anger.

You have moved into your mother's house with a child who by your own words can be 'very hard work' and brought those tantrums into her space. You said you moved there because you needed company. It sounds like your mother wanted to be supportive but maybe this arrangement isn't working out as great for her and she needs her space back and to not live with you both.

Maybe what she is saying is that yes he is really hard work and seeing him so angry and emotional is hard on everyone and maybe it wouldn't be such hard work and he wouldn't be so upset if you had some professional help him better manage and express his feelings. By not normal it seems she is referring to the behaviour - that it isn't normal for most 5 year olds to spend 20% of their time tantruming and melting down.

I don't know why you are put out by a suggestion to do something that could help your son. Don't you want him to feel better himself? If someone can help make that happen - why be so against it? Lots of families get professional help to see how to support their children who are struggling because they want their kids to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as possible. Your child has been in a difficult situation with a family breakdown and moves - don't you want to help him get through this and make it better for everyone?

Sorry just to clear something up before it gets misconstrued.... my husband left me when I was 5 months pregnant (completely out fo the blue). He wasn't all that active in ds1 life before he left, he didn't make a massive effort with him and he worked nights, ds 2 was 2 when he walked out and I can confidently tell you that he was none the wiser. Lockdown happened and I have tk second baby. The abuse started then and went on for about a year. I'm still quite fragile from the experience even a year later, I'm having counciling, but I don't want to rush moving out whilst I feel like I'm still recovering. DS witnessed nothing. He was probably much more effected by the lockdown and restrictions etc then anything else.

Ds has had a few sensory issues in the past which has had overcome but since starting school he just really seems to be struggling with his outbursts... when they happen. Tbh his outbursts normally stem from him getting dressed and/or when he doesn't get his own way! I think that he has probably been abit spoilt whilst he's gone between me and his dad, escpually with lockdowns etc. There's work to do and I know it! But he has already come so far, I know this phase will pass but it's just extremely difficult!

You need to be very very firm with children like this. They need boundaries and consistent behaviour management strategies. You sitting there being upset will do your son no good - you need to be very proactive in managing his behaviour. I expect your mum has tried to tell you this, but you won’t take her advice.

I’m not saying this to be unkind, OP, and it won’t be what you want to hear, but your child will be traumatised by the emotionally abusive relationship that you have just left. The next 50 comments will say he has SEN, of course, and he does in a way, but you can fix this if you are honest about what is happening and make a very big effort to apply behaviour management strategies consistently. I would let his school know you are struggling in the first instance and ask them to refer to family support, who will help you to deal with this. He probably needs play therapy.

There’s no point beating about the bush - you need to learn how to parent your child, including how to discipline him. I expect this is what your mum is trying to tell you. I see children like this all the time now; it’s far from an unusual situation and no, they don’t all have autism or ADHD, as they supposedly do on Mumsnet. The majority have parents with difficult lives. The good news is your son is 5. With a lot of work, you can turn this situation around. But if I were you, I would be working with your mum rather than against her.

Excellent post @EYProvider!

OP- you're extremely traumatised by the sounds of it and you're son will have been greatly affected by all that has gone on.Even if he didn't directly see the violence, he has probably picked up on a lot and it will be worrying him to see you at such a low ebb.
I second speaking to his school and getting some help, and also getting your mum on board with helping with Ds's difficulties. You need to have a heart to heart with her and ask her what she thinks will help him.
It's likely to be quite stressful for your mum to have you all staying there. Make sure you're pulling your weight with cooking and housework, and a daily routine for the children, as well as entertaining them and taking them out to the park daily etc to run off some excess energy.
I understand that you've been through a lot and may find it difficult to manage to do all this, but you do have to do it to maintain a reasonable atmosphere for you all at your parent's house. In short, you do need to face this head on, and in the long run it will hopefully help you get back to a stronger and happier place.