AIBU to allow 9yo ds to read books with swear words?

[PossiblyDreaming]

This was done completely accidentally. He’s an enthusiastic and confident reader. He recently finished the His Dark Materials trilogy and absolutely loved it. I’d read the Book of Dust (the prequel) to it when it was released a couple of years ago and remembered it being aimed at adults a bit more so told ds he might struggle with it but he wanted to give it a go anyway. He’s now about halfway through and is really enjoying it. He’s asked me about the meaning of a couple of words but they’ve been words that Pullman has changed slightly so it fits in to the same but slightly different world that it is set in rather than him not understanding “proper” English word iyswim.

Anyway, last night he was lying in bed reading and started sniggering. I asked him what was funny and he said that he couldn’t tell me. It turns out on a single page it said “fuck” four times 😬. He said there had been lots of swear words but he hadn’t told me as he thought I’d stop him reading it.

I personally don’t mind. There’s definitely no sex scenes and I wouldn’t let him read books with sex scenes at this age or books with gratuitous violence but the swear words are words he already knows (from school, not me), he knows not to say them and he’s really enjoying the boom. However, he’s staying at his dad’s house this weekend and I know his dad will disapprove and use it as evidence of my poor parenting.

AIBU to let him read books like this? If so, how old should he be before I let him read them?

My dd is 10 and whilst I monitor what she watches, I don't monitor what she reads. Any book in our house is available to her. So swearing in books wouldn't bother me a bit.

She hears the odd swear word on TV (movies/sitcoms) but knows that hearing them and using them are two different things.

It wouldn't be something that bothers me at all.

I regularly swear infront of my children but NEVER at them.

They know the words...but arent allowed to use them like me grin]
Wink: wink

Same as @Starlight86 here - my kids hear me and DH swear in the house (although again, we've never sworn at them, and never would). The odd 'fucks sake' does slip out

So it wouldn't bother me at all.

I've never censored books but have been pretty strict on films. Both were pretty advanced readers throughout primary school so they were reading things with swearing from about age 8/9. They know not to swear and have been hearing the words at school since about age 7. I'd say it's good parenting to have them want to read or at least to encourage it (I know not all kids are interested), so I'd probably tell your xh to naff off.

Oh please don't stop him reading. My parents were SERIOUSLY overprotective in so many ways, but they at least let me read anything and everything.

Reminds me of the time i thought Twilight would be great to introduce to my nearly 9 and 7 year old girls.
I hadn't watched it in years but remember loving it when i was younger.

Forgot the second to last one was all about them just married and their honeymoon ....... there was ALOT of me frantically fast forwarding and trying to cover their eyes.

DD has been reading Douglas Adams since about that age, and as above, she has prob heard most words at home anyway

The swearing in itself wouldn’t bother me - I wouldn’t imagine it was age appropriate if it did have swear words in so therefore, no. There’s a good chance that if there’s swearing, particularly quite intense swearing, then there’s probably sexual scenes or violence involved too. I know you say there isn’t but unless you’ve read the whole book you really can’t know that for sure. It obviously wasn’t written for 9 year olds at any rate.

@Rosesareyellow

The swearing in itself wouldn’t bother me - I wouldn’t imagine it was age appropriate if it did have swear words in so therefore, no. There’s a good chance that if there’s swearing, particularly quite intense swearing, then there’s probably sexual scenes or violence involved too. I know you say there isn’t but unless you’ve read the whole book you really can’t know that for sure. It obviously wasn’t written for 9 year olds at any rate.

OP says she read the book.

Also, if he’s sat there sniggering because of the swear words it sounds like he probably isn’t mature enough to read it…

He obviously already knew it was a swear word so has heard it before so no big deal. Those are great books too.

YANBU OP - I don't think there's much harm in it. Given that he was sniggering at it, he already knew the word, and I don't think there's much shock/taboo value in it when it's in a book your mum said you could read.

(Nobody monitored my reading as a kid, I read a LOT. Grandparents' house had an entire wall of books and I could grab anything... which is how I ended up reading Lady Chatterley's Lover at 11 and being GOBSMACKED - that might have been a bit too far haha )

If he knows that its a swear word, he knows it already. He's also old enough to know where its not appropriate to use it.

We didn't allow DDs to watch Clarksons Farm due to swearing though. (8&10, they like Top Gear and Grand Tour because of the challenges.)

The swearing wouldn't bother me too much. But have you read the book as I'm pretty sure from memory that there is a sexual assault in the story (of Alice). And quite a nasty bit where one of the characters is self harming their Daemon. I would definitely do a check of this to be sure.

I think the swearing is fine. Just chat to your kid about how these words exist, some people use them more than others, talk about why people use them. Give him your personal stance on swearing. Talk about how the language is very different when it is aimed at someone rather than say a word slipping out when you stub your toe.

My nine year old has heard swearing in school and has some directed at him by a child who hassles him. Both kids have commented on a part of my family who pepper their sentences with the "fuck" frequently. They were both so shocked to hear it used so freely and that opened our conversation about swearing.

@DialsMavis

DD has been reading Douglas Adams since about that age, and as above, she has prob heard most words at home anyway

I read them at about 8 or 9. I remember the award for the most gratuitous use of the word 'fuck' in a serious screenplay. That obviously stuck in my mind but I don't remember much else in the way of swearing in it.

I wouldn't be bothered with DS if it was just a few swear words. He's told me all the ones other children in school have told him and we've talked about what they mean.

If he's 9YO then I can guarantee he has heard much worse in the school playground.

I'd not want a 9 year old reading about violence or sex or other adult content but a few swear words in a story that was otherwise ok wouldn't bother me.

You know the story, your supporting your son to read an appropriately challenging book that interests him. That's pretty good parenting in my view.

@Rosesareyellow I have read the book as I said in my OP. I can remember the plot, I just didn’t remember that there was swear words in it as it’s not something that registers. He’s 9, of course he finds things like that funny. It doesn’t mean he’s not mature enough to read the book. If he enjoys the book, can follow the plot and there isn’t anything in the book that will harm him then he’s mature enough to read it 🙄.

I hadn’t considered Douglas Adams books. I think he’d love those so I’ll try him on those next. It’s tricky finding books for him as a lot of the “young adult” books like Twilight etc. due contain sex scenes or gory deaths which I know he couldn’t cope with. Douglas Adams fits in the perfectly.

Hopefully he won’t mention exactly what’s in the book to his dad. His dad isn’t really that interested in books, as long as Ds is reading something he’ll probably be ok. He has an absolute hatred for swearing though and loves to have something to tell me that I’m doing wrong whenever he drops them back to me.

I don't think any of Pullman's books are child-friendly particularly (though I would have read them as a child if they'd been out; I did read Northern Lights).

But the swearing doesn't strike me as bad parenting. The sniggering maybe suggests you need to have a word with him about how these words aren't big or clever, they're just words.

FWIW I swear around my DD, I always have, and she has learnt perfectly easily that there are contexts in which one might swear, and contexts in which it will appear rude or inappropriate. She knows I don't mind her saying 'fuckssake' if she stubs her toe but she also knows better than to say anything of the sort at school.

From what I remember it has a paedophile in it and the words fuck/fucking, shit, bollocks, bitch and piss are used. One of the characters is raped (Alice by Bonneville).

In The Secret Commonwealth the main character is groped and nearly gang-raped by a group of soldiers in a train car. Malcolm, who was 25 was attracted to Lyra, who was 14/15 at the time.

I wouldn't let my 10 year olds read it due to that.

YY, I struggled with the Malcolm/Lyra stuff TBH.

I wouldn't have a problem with the swearing but there's a rape scene in La Belle Sauvage. It's possible it might go over his head, but I still don't think it's suitable for a 9 year old. The second volume in The Book of Dust (The Secret Commonwealth) is definitely not appropriate (there's a pretty brutal sexual assault).

They hear worse than that at school. Swearing in a book wouldn't bother me and as you've read it and know the plot, I'd let him carry on as he's enjoying it. Just tell him not to mention the swearing to his dad.
I'd forgotten about Douglas Adams books - must dig mine out.

I'm remembering the book better now from the comments above and as a grown up found some of the scenes very unnerving. There is no way I'd let my 10 year old read it.