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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s ridiculous to make a big deal over this?!

62 replies

GreenTeaMom · 11/02/2022 09:45

On Instagram I follow a lot of mum’s who have a bit of a bigger profile (around 10-12k followers etc) and share their parenting journey, recipes etc which I have found helpful in the past.

However the one thing that I notice they all have in common is whenever their DP, OH, DH is not at home (even for just the day!) they make such a big deal about ‘solo parenting’ and act like they’ve just done the best thing since sliced bread! (They have older children too so not all newborn babies).

AIBU to find it absolutely ridiculous to make a huge fuss about the fact that you’ve just cared for your own children by yourself?!

It actually got to the point where I unfollowed a lot of them because it just infuriated me and I wondered how the hell they would ever cope if they were a single parent like myself where I am solely responsible for my child 24/7!

OP posts:

elfycat · 11/02/2022 23:10

DH has worked away for half the time for the past 11 years. I get left for weeks with my DDs. I don't claim any single parent status as the set up is of our own devising and money pressures are different, but when people fret over one overnight night training courses and 'how will they cope' I have to bite my tongue. Being left alone for a few hours? F Off.

VivX · 11/02/2022 23:19

YANBU.

Some people expect to be congratulated for breathing. It's f*ing ridiculous.

thaegumathteth · 11/02/2022 23:24

@MindyStClaire I used to get the littlest out the bath and get them dried and changed in the bathroom whilst the older one played in the bath.

Also wrangling the witching hour is tough but I definitely utilised TV and letting them 'help' eg mixing stuff, littlest playing with a pan etc.

You'll be fine.

I will also say though as someone above reminded me by saying they've no family nearby. I do think that that also completely changes your parenting experiences. My friends are mostly from here - they have grandparents and aunties etc who can help even just for an hour or a school pick up or if someone's sick. We don't have that and there have been times when I've been desperately envious like when dh was in India and I had sinusitis and 2 little ones to look after and it was TOUGH.

dipdye · 11/02/2022 23:27

Rough when the kids are tiny, and if you're ill forget it. So tough

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 23:41

there have been times when I've been desperately envious like when dh was in India and I had sinusitis and 2 little ones to look after and it was TOUGH.

Yes - getting up in the night to breastfeed with raging tonsillitis when DH was away, and then having to do the full daytime baby shift was so hard. I could barely stand. I would have killed for someone to take DS for a walk so I could lie down! Again, disclaimer, I know this happens whenever a single parent is ill but I would live elsewhere closer to family as a lone parent.

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 23:42

@ToykotoLosAngeles

there have been times when I've been desperately envious like when dh was in India and I had sinusitis and 2 little ones to look after and it was TOUGH.

Not everyone has family that will help 🙄 my mum lives 20 mins away and would never have my kids. She wouldn’t have them just because I was ill!

BOOTS52 · 11/02/2022 23:46

I have brought my son up alone after leaving a difficult long term relationship so I know no other way and yes has just been me. I don't have instagram or facebook etc but that would annoy the crap out of me. Or what annoys me when some mum's or dad's post that their other half won't babysit their own kids. That is not babysitting that is taking responsibility and minding your own children.
To Bloodywhitecat so sorry to read your story as that must be so hard for you as two little babies and your ill husband. Do you have anybody to help out at all or give you a hand or even a small break as you cannot do all that alone. Please try and see if there are any services available to help with your husband as cannot imagine how exhausted you must be feeling. You are amazing and hope things get easier for you.xx

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 23:48

Still shaking my head at the “if you’re a lone parent then you should live close to family” just goes to show how much people don’t realise that not everyone has family that will help them, some people live in a nice little bubble!

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 23:48

@RedCandyApple Don't roll your eyes at me, lady. Why do you think I put a disclaimer in the first place?

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 23:49

[quote ToykotoLosAngeles]@RedCandyApple Don't roll your eyes at me, lady. Why do you think I put a disclaimer in the first place?[/quote]
You mad an assumption that lone parent with no support aren’t living close enough to family and that’s why, never mind that some families won’t even help out even if you was on your death bed, how naive!

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 23:50

Made*

ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 23:50

@RedCandyApple

I wa saying that being alone when extremely ill with a small baby was hard. Is it not? Some would say well, I chose to live away from family support with a husband who works away. I am saying I wouldn't have chosen to do so. This has nothing to do with you.

whysonasty · 11/02/2022 23:58

Ladies please. No fighting.

People will always make stupid and sometimes hurtful comparisons. When my previous partner died the majority of my friends disappeared. But of those who remained I was hit with: “Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend.” Another: “My dog died last year. I know exactly how you feel.” Err… no you don’t.

PrancingQueen · 12/02/2022 00:00

Totally agree @RedCandyApple.
Lone parent since my DS was born, have family in the same town but I may as well live in Australia for all the help I get.

RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 00:05

@PrancingQueen

Totally agree *@RedCandyApple*. Lone parent since my DS was born, have family in the same town but I may as well live in Australia for all the help I get.

Thank you, my dad is a wheelchair user and wouldn’t be able to look after my children (oldest has asd) and my mum I could live next door to her and she still wouldn’t help me, she’s very much of the opinion that I chose to have them so why should she help me, they were my choice so I am responsible for them and that is that, she brought up 6 children alone (no input from family or our father) so it’s very much “well I had 6 and I didn’t get any help !” The thought of family being on hand to help just because I’m sick is something I could only dream of.

BOOTS52 · 12/02/2022 00:12

I agree with the mum's on here who had no help and are near family. Mine said oh move back home and we will help you out and take your child swimming etc. No help but they all wanted to tell me what to do and boss me about so did it on my own. As other's have said when sick as also suffer bad sinus is horrible having no family that you could pick up the phone to ask but they get so annoyed if ask for help so never did.

DropYourSword · 12/02/2022 00:22

Yes, it sounds ridiculous that they make such a big deal about solo parenting.
However given they're "mummy bloggers" they make a big deal about any parenting!

Just unfollowall of them. They can all get in the sea

avamiah · 12/02/2022 00:28

This is why I’m not on Instagram as people share too much of everything.

MarceyMc · 12/02/2022 00:32

V v v irritating but honestly, unfollowing all the insta-mummies was the best thing I ever did, you should try it.

We met up with some of DP's friends recently and the wife was fuming because she'd spent the morning 'solo-parenting' as her DH had been working overtime

PrincessPaws · 12/02/2022 00:36

Yanbu, but that is because most influencers are knobs

MollyBloomYes · 12/02/2022 00:37

I hate it when people do this. Not so much because it's hard work because granted, it is always harder if the dynamic changes, just like if my usual childcare arrangements change for a week and I have to switch things up and deal with (for example) the post school, pre dinner hangry horror show that I normally get to avoid. So I'll give them a marginal pass on that.

But what I find really difficult to excuse is the whole 'I know what single parents feel like now'. Because you don't. You still have a partner who loves you, who's on the end of a phone and is coming back. I don't. I was completely blindsided and heartbroken when my ex walked out at 5 in the morning leaving me and our toddler when I was four weeks from giving birth to our second. It was a horrific time to get through and tbh although I'm mostly over it there are still long lasting effects on my self esteem that I'm only really now ready to unpack. Never mind those parents who have gone through the horrifying ordeal of having their partner die. So, no. They don't know how a single parent feels and should count themselves lucky that they don't. And maybe learn not to be so tone deaf

JadeandGreen · 12/02/2022 00:50

Single parent for many years due to ex's affairs. Always remember my mum saying she was "practically a single parent" because my dad worked and had a hobby! Not a clue!!

It's not just about the practicalities of everyday life. It's about the lack of financial support, no-one to talk to at the end of a horrendous day, no-one on xmas morning to share the joy, the guilt of your children growing up without a father (he took off and saw them once a year, if they were lucky), and the guilt of not making better choices!

We muddled through, and we got there, I think. My children, grown up now, were and are my world, I've never regretted them for a minute, so when I hear people complaining about having to cope for a few nights on their own it really boils my blood! You'll never understand it unless you've been there.

MindyStClaire · 12/02/2022 00:50

This is one of the things that really annoys me about MN. No one is ever allowed to say something is hard without someone coming along and playing top trumps because they have it harder.

Thread after thread of women stuck with useless men being asked "what does he bring to the table?". "Your life would be easier without him, LTB." But then when someone does have a partner that pulls their weight and they go away for a while, that poster isn't allowed say they're not enjoying a tougher week and are looking forward to normal service resuming. As if that fully functioning adult doesn't actually bring anything to the table and doesn't leave a man sized gap that needs to be filled, albeit temporarily.

I think it's awful when people claim they understand single parents because they've had a weekend on their own for all the obvious reasons, but OP didn't mention them saying that. This was women not enjoying parenting solo (not single parenting).

Chichimcgee · 12/02/2022 00:58

YANBU
I also don’t like ‘I’m basically a single parent’ when DH works away because they still have that emotional and financial support, someone to share worries and concerns with etc it’s not just the physical aspects of single parenting which is difficult

DreamTheMoors · 12/02/2022 01:24

My dad was a farmer & also worked nights.
During the summers, he’d leave before daylight and not get home until after 11pm.
My mum did everything - all the parenting, housework, yard work, laundry - every last bit.
It’s called REAL LIFE.

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