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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP's social media - right to be suspicious?

54 replies

Deciderisa · 10/02/2022 11:23

My DP has form with past questionable social media use.
When we were first together he had all the usual social media accounts with literally hundreds of women added, usually scantily dressed etc. I explained that I didn't think this appropriate when in a loving committed relationship and he deleted them.
Then it started again and I had to reiterate how I felt.
Then TikTok started and I discovered he had added or followed or whatever hundreds of women/girls. Apparently this was 'normal for a man' and it's just my insecurities.
Yes I am rather insecure but I think this is warranted and now I'm wary of his SM use.
Recently he hasn't been making much effort and I feel ignored a lot of the time, whereas I'm loving and demonstrative he's quite cool, but in his defence he's sweet and will always address my concerns. He's never cheated on me and says he never would, but him looking at half dressed women pisses me off.
More recently I've challenged him on being online with the green button showing on Messenger, e.g. being active on there but ignoring my messages..(pathetic I know, I feel ridiculous writing this). He says it's not accurate and I'm doing his head in with it and has now disabled this feature so I can't see when he's active at all and secondly has made his 'friends' list on FB private.
I said this had upset me and he said 'good, at least you won't do my head in seeing if I'm active or not when it's not even accurate'.
I pointed out that sometimes it's quite useful having the green button showing active as then I know when it's good to message him, as we are both busy at work all day and if I happen to check and see he's active then I'll message, otherwise I won't bother.
AIBU in challenging him on hiding this?

OP posts:
maddening · 10/02/2022 11:24

I would say the relationship sounds untenable either way.

eggontoast2 · 10/02/2022 11:29

Sorry to say but I recently noticed my husband had the green light on all the time and was staying up late instead of coming to bed. He had stopped messaging me in the day but was on messenger/Facebook all day/night. Turned out I busted him for messaging another woman and he's been having an emotional affair (although it could have been physical for all I know). My gut told me something was up. Go with your gut, always. If it feels wrong then it's probably wrong.

neverendingdrama1 · 10/02/2022 11:31

My best friend's partner was completely and utterly devoted to her. She has mental health problems and accused him of being online and ignoring her and he told her that it just runs in the background.

She was right, he was messaging someone from work and meeting up with her behind her back.

neverendingdrama1 · 10/02/2022 11:31

Meant to add- he told her that it was her mind playing tricks on her and 'just the paranoia talking'

Justme10 · 10/02/2022 11:36

The green dot will still show even if Facebook or messenger are running in the background, the app needs to be completely shut down for it to go away.
I wouldn't assume he was talking to anyone else or ignoring you based on that. I'm not surprised he's turned his active status off.

IsThisIt2021 · 10/02/2022 11:40

I don’t pay that much attention to the green dot. Mines showed me as being “active/online” a few times when I haven’t been. Did it just the other morning at 3am, I was asleep!

UsernameNotAvailableHmm · 10/02/2022 11:48

This type of online behaviour may, or may not, be 'normal for a man' but if it doesn't sit well with you, then I doubt you'll ever be happy being in a relationship with him as he continues to live this kind of lifestyle. You have called him out on it once before, and he did delete all those women from his social media, but of course he found another way of being in contact with them, and so it goes on.

You will never feel relaxed and happy about it and his behaviour has pushed you further into the realms of feeling insecure, by checking his green light on Messenger.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but persistently challenging him on his behaviour will get you nowhere. He knows all the answers you want to hear, and some. It's an addiction he either cannot, or won't be able to, break. Not even for you.

I've been in your position with exactly the same thing going on. It's not easy but you'll be doing yourself a massive favour to distance yourself from him and get on with your life elsewhere.

I hope you can, and do, end the relationship. Sadly, it took me a few years to end mine. But the difference is my self esteem, self respect etc. was enourmous.

It feels so good, trust me!

AutumnLeaves21 · 10/02/2022 11:51

He’s right, the green button is totally not accurate.
You lost me the more I read. You sound deeply suspicious and overbearing op. I would work on your insecurities.

Soubriquet · 10/02/2022 11:54

You are both being unreasonable but you sound incredibly paranoid and insecure.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/02/2022 11:59

I wouldn't like it either. Not all men do this and it would be a dealbreaker for me.

KrisAkabusi · 10/02/2022 12:01

Following half naked women is one thing, but patrolling him via a green dot isn't on. It's not accurate, and if you're using it to accuse him of lying, then you're wrong and being controlling.

XelaM · 10/02/2022 12:04

OP you sound nuts and if you were a man I would break up with you over the constant paranoia and checking up on me. I honestly couldn't even tell you who my ex-husband had on social media and I couldn't care less because I knew he wasn't cheating (he's an ex for a different reason Grin ). If you're that paranoid it's only a matter of time before he breaks up with you

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/02/2022 12:07

You've told him a few times you don't like him being social media friends with scantily clad women he doesnt know.

He had told you essentially that he is doing it anyway because he is a man and he thinks its normal and acceptable.

I think the messaging thing is a red herring - you've got to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you and decide to accept it or leave as he has been up front that he wont change and his behaviour has backed this up. It would be a deal breaker for me but I know others would put up with it.

Graphista · 10/02/2022 12:09

How do you know he hasn't cheated?

His behaviour is inconsiderate and inappropriate and you've raised it with him previously on several occasions he's not gonna change!

And if you can't trust him/his actions are making you feel insecure then are you really compatible?

You do perhaps need to work on your self esteem and self confidence a little but I also think his behaviour is unacceptable.

Either way you're not suited so best to move on

CrumpetStrumpet · 10/02/2022 12:09

It is not 'normal' for a man in a relationship to be following scantily dressed women he doesn't even know on SM. It is normal for a creep though.

Just dump his op. He isn't going to change. His wank fodder SM means more to him than your feelings. Save yourself more heartache and get rid of him. He's a loser.

FlasherMcGruff · 10/02/2022 12:14

I think following lots of scantily clad women who are complete strangers on Instagram is a bit immature and something I’d expect a pervy 18 year old to do, not an experienced older man in a relationship. If you aren’t happy with this bud he thinks it’s fine to like these posts then neither of you is wrong, but you aren’t on the same page and need to decide if you can compromise (maybe if he just follows famous women only instead of accessible ‘real’ local women it would seem odd?) or not.

Really18 · 10/02/2022 12:15

This is a YOU problem. Work on yourself, your insecurity and your self esteem.

Suzi888 · 10/02/2022 12:17

There’s no trust.
Have you been together long? I’d be considering bailing.

bananafish · 10/02/2022 12:17

He sounds really disrespectful and inconsiderate to me, and I would be super turned off by a man who was following random women, half naked or not. It's just sleazy and gross.

I'm not surprised you're suspicious. I don't know what you do about it though. Personally, I couldn't be with someone like that - I'd have no respect for them.

theemmadilemma · 10/02/2022 12:20

This:

It is not 'normal' for a man in a relationship to be following scantily dressed women he doesn't even know on SM. It is normal for a creep though.

But he's right the green button is not accurate.

"but in his defence he's sweet and will always address my concerns."

No he doesn't. lol He pretends to and then does the same thing again somewhere else.

HollowTalk · 10/02/2022 12:20

@Really18

This is a YOU problem. Work on yourself, your insecurity and your self esteem.
Really? When her partner is gaslighting her and following half-naked women online?

What do you recommend she does to raise her self-esteem?

SnowFlo · 10/02/2022 12:22

Fuck no. I think it's hugely disrespectful to be thirsting and perving over other women online when you are in a commited relationship. If you want to look at another person, do so, but making it "known and public" through following them and liking their sexy vids and pics, hell no.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/02/2022 12:26

He's right about the active status not being accurate. There's been times when people I'm in a room with have been showing as online even when not on their phones.

Glamping1234 · 10/02/2022 12:27

Personally I would find the following half naked women on social media very immature and unattractive - so yes it would put me off. It sounds like you don't have much trust towards your partner and without trust the relationship will not work.

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 12:28

If a woman posted that her partner was policing her social media the way you do your partner's, he'd get blasted to kingdom come for being controlling, and the woman would be told to reconsider the relationship.

Not liking him looking at scantily clad women is one thing, all this green dot nonsense is something else entirely. You don't trust him, whether that's justified or not. I think you both need to reconsider the relationship tbh, particularly him.

My ex was like this over my social media btw, constantly needling and accusing, all of which was unwarranted. I was permanently on edge. And I ended the relationship because he was paranoid, insecure and controlling.