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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's social media - right to be suspicious?

54 replies

Deciderisa · 10/02/2022 11:23

My DP has form with past questionable social media use.
When we were first together he had all the usual social media accounts with literally hundreds of women added, usually scantily dressed etc. I explained that I didn't think this appropriate when in a loving committed relationship and he deleted them.
Then it started again and I had to reiterate how I felt.
Then TikTok started and I discovered he had added or followed or whatever hundreds of women/girls. Apparently this was 'normal for a man' and it's just my insecurities.
Yes I am rather insecure but I think this is warranted and now I'm wary of his SM use.
Recently he hasn't been making much effort and I feel ignored a lot of the time, whereas I'm loving and demonstrative he's quite cool, but in his defence he's sweet and will always address my concerns. He's never cheated on me and says he never would, but him looking at half dressed women pisses me off.
More recently I've challenged him on being online with the green button showing on Messenger, e.g. being active on there but ignoring my messages..(pathetic I know, I feel ridiculous writing this). He says it's not accurate and I'm doing his head in with it and has now disabled this feature so I can't see when he's active at all and secondly has made his 'friends' list on FB private.
I said this had upset me and he said 'good, at least you won't do my head in seeing if I'm active or not when it's not even accurate'.
I pointed out that sometimes it's quite useful having the green button showing active as then I know when it's good to message him, as we are both busy at work all day and if I happen to check and see he's active then I'll message, otherwise I won't bother.
AIBU in challenging him on hiding this?

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 10/02/2022 12:30

Agree with a pp. The following of half naked women is something I unfortunately know that my teenage son did. It's grim , but as he grew up , he stopped.

There is no way I'd be okay with my adult partner doing it. And your partner justifying himself by saying that its something men do...that's so manipulative.

Who wants to be in a relationship with no trust op? Consider that you might be happier without him.

GiantSpider · 10/02/2022 12:36

You do sound a bit controlling over the green button thing and I think it's up to him whether he has it activated or not.

But following lots of scantily dressed women on SM would bother me too.

And also his real life behaviour (being cold towards you) would bother me a lot more.

squash0905 · 10/02/2022 12:50

He's right in saying that lots of men do this, but not all of them do. I personally wouldn't like it and I'm sure some women are fine with it. Sounds like you could both find people you are better suited to.

GabriellaMontez · 10/02/2022 12:53

A man who follows scantily clad women that he doesn't know on social media.

That's a deal breaker for me. Creepy and pathetic. Some People may be OK with that. I'm not and I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. So the rest of the stuff wouldn't even come up.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2022 12:57

This relationship is doomed, and you should have ended it, for many reasons, ages ago. I can't fathom why you're bothering with this man. You're totally incompatible.

TheApexOfMyLife · 10/02/2022 12:58

It is not 'normal' for a man in a relationship to be following scantily dressed women he doesn't even know on SM. It is normal for a creep though.

I have an IG account for my business. It is all about women and only women.
You have no idea about the number if men who ‘follow me’, try to message me etc… there aren’t many photos of me, let alone lightly dressed.

These men are creeps. They can say whatever they want. They are just creeps.

TheApexOfMyLife · 10/02/2022 12:58

Btw the ‘a lot of men do’…
Yep a lot of them do.
And a lot if them are also creeps. That’s not mutually exclusive.

CityMumma78 · 10/02/2022 14:48

Following lots of women he doesn’t know in RL on different SM platforms isn’t normal behaviour for someone in a relationship! If he isn’t having an affair it sounds like he’s looking for one and his blaming your paranoia is outrageous as it’s behaviour that is fuelling your insecurities.

Allthekittycats · 10/02/2022 14:55

The green dot will still show even if Facebook or messenger are running in the background, the app needs to be completely shut down for it to go away.

Yep. And even after you’ve logged off the green light stays on for a few minutes aswell soon, not necessarily lying to you... but if he was inclined to be ogling/stalking/communicating with women online previously then he still will be now. You feeling rubbish about it and asking him not to isn’t going to work.

Graphista · 10/02/2022 15:03

@FlasherMcGruff we don't know how old he is but I think even 18 is a bit old for such nonsense

I'd expect this from a 13/14 year old

Loopylou6 · 10/02/2022 15:14

My messenger shows me active all the time I don't understand why though Confused
However, his behaviour is immature and I don't blame you for feeling on edge over it.

esloquehay · 10/02/2022 15:26

He sounds shady and you sound a tad full on/stalker-ish (probably due to the fact that he is shady AF.

incognitoforthisone · 10/02/2022 15:35

Is he actually talking to these women or interacting with them, or is he just looking at their pictures? I think for a lot of men, social media has just taken the place of lads' mags. They used to look at FHM and Loaded for pictures of women pouting in bras, and now they look at Instagram instead. Also worth noting that most of them are probably fake accounts anyway - just photos of models being posted on an account run by some bloke in Nigeria hoping to dupe some gullible fools into giving them money one day.

If he's interacting with them, chatting and posting 'Gorgeous xx' on every other picture then that is a bit gross in my opinion. If he's just following them and looking, then it's probably ultimately harmless but also incredibly immature and a bit tragic. It's certainly not behaviour I'd find attractive in a man.

Journeynotdestination · 10/02/2022 15:47

I couldn’t be with someone who followed young girls and/or soft porn scantily clad type women. No way. That’s just me. Having had experience of men like this, it would be an instant and unequivocal end to the relationship.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/02/2022 15:50

If you were to ignore the SM aspect for a minute, how is your relationship ?

Strongerthanyouthink · 10/02/2022 16:02

I think it is disrespectful to follow half naked women online.

I also wouldn't want to be with someone who shows no consideration to you when you have specifically said this is something you don't like. It's so selfish, and that is one of the worst traits in a partner.

CheesusWept · 10/02/2022 16:18

You sound over the top with monitoring whether he’s active online or not, but I would have zero respect for any man who followed/added hundreds of women he didn’t know. He sounds like an absolute creep.

tkwal · 10/02/2022 16:31

Some men see women on social media the same way as some other men view flash cars or the latest designer watch, as nothing more than commodities to drool over. Its also a one way thing , the men can lust over them but they don't have that pesky habit of actually requiring attention. Up to you if you put up with this man, but I'd say you deserve better

SartresSoul · 10/02/2022 17:02

Sounds like an arsehole and you both sound incompatible. I wouldn’t be happy if DH did this, it’s creepy and sleazy for starters but also hugely disrespectful to you especially since you’ve asked him not to. Maybe some women wouldn’t mind him doing this but I think you’re very normal not to appreciate him being a creep, I don’t think this makes you insecure.

AndTime · 10/02/2022 17:08

Just another to add the green dot isn't accurate and it would drive me mad someone accusing me of being online all the time when I wasn't.

The scantily clad women thing just sound yuk though and doesn't show him in a great light.

I think this relationship sounds more hassle than it's worth. He's a letch and you are massively insecure.

Call it a day.

2022success · 10/02/2022 17:13

Green button thing - YABU

The rest of it - he sounds vile. Surely you can't be interested in him?

LightSpeeds · 10/02/2022 17:20

Get rid of him

Duckerbizzle · 10/02/2022 17:25

Ugh why do so many men do this? I have an old school friend who has public page where she posts quite a lot of pictures wearing not very much etc. There are hundreds of babe I want to take you out you're so gorgeous etc from men, and if you click on their profiles, loads of them are engaged/married/have partner in their profile photo with them etc. (And too thick to make their social media private obvs) It really is so very common and it sounds like the OPs man is just another one of those types. Get rid! As others have said go with your gut. And if it turns out that he is totally innocent and you're just paranoid then you're still never going to be truly happy anyway.

Shinydiscoballs1 · 10/02/2022 17:34

I'd end it with him, the insecurity will only get worse and he will just start watching the women in secret. Been there done ut and I'm kicking myself how long I stayed with him. Its sad and its like a teenage boy behaviour oggling pics of women and you will just get more and more paranoid and suspicious trust me!!

DogsAndGin · 10/02/2022 17:39

Sorry, but this isn’t a committed relationship like you’ve said it is. He’s finding half naked girls online. What do you think is happening here?! Blush Move on.