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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS Last one picked in PE

483 replies

GoldenLightNights · 09/02/2022 22:32

AIBU to contact the teacher with regards to this:

DS is 9, he’s a wonderful child, great at all things science and maths related but not so much at sports. He plays football outside of school for one of the lower ability teams and sort of enjoys it, he isn’t forced to play or anything like that.

Anyway today at school he had PE, we’ve never had any issues before but today for some reason the teacher let two boys pick teams and my son was the last to be picked. He is quite upset especially as one of the boys doing the picking is a close friend.
Anyway I find the idea of letting other children pick teams horrendous and if not my son some child will be picked last. I actually thought this method of choosing teams was done away with years ago!
I want to contact the teacher to ask if he would consider adopting a new approach to team selection. My husband says I’m jumping the gun and to wait to see if it happens again…… so what do you think?
He was properly upset this evening 😢

OP posts:
D0lphine · 10/02/2022 20:08

@MarshaBradyo

I very much do care. I think it's cringe for the child involved and normal to be upset.

I just don't think the answer is to complain to the school.

I think the answer is for the parents and child to discuss how to deal with minor disappointments. Boost the child's self esteem. Ask them how they feel. Talk through their feelings. Teach them how to self care when they feel bad. Teach them to recognise their emotions and how to cope.

Bookridden · 10/02/2022 20:08

OP, I think this is a horrible practice, and it definitely still happens. I wonder how those defending it would feel if in maths or English, say, children were invited to pick out the academically strongest and leave the struggling kids to be picked last?

s3tut0y3r · 10/02/2022 20:12

As a kid I was picked last and it hurt. Yes it grew my resilience but it put me off sport for life and tbh made me a bit of a loner. There's other ways of becoming resilient with less bad side effects. I think you are right to talk to his class teacher. In my experience, PE staff in primary school are rarely qualified teachers and don't always follow good practice.

Millionairesshortbreadshort · 10/02/2022 20:13

I’m so glad that the overwhelming response to your post is to talk to the teacher and that the current view is that this is unacceptable practice. Sorry for your DC OP. That’s a rubbish thing to happen. It’s just a moment though and I think if you validate the feelings and help them to notice and celebrate their strengths they will be fine. Flowers

MarshaBradyo · 10/02/2022 20:14

[quote D0lphine]@MarshaBradyo

I very much do care. I think it's cringe for the child involved and normal to be upset.

I just don't think the answer is to complain to the school.

I think the answer is for the parents and child to discuss how to deal with minor disappointments. Boost the child's self esteem. Ask them how they feel. Talk through their feelings. Teach them how to self care when they feel bad. Teach them to recognise their emotions and how to cope. [/quote]
Ok we disagree then.

Obviously the child can be supported but it doesn’t mean the school doesn’t have to reassess something that’s outdated.

D0lphine · 10/02/2022 20:15

@MarshaBradyo

You can't make everything ok for them.

Shit happens.

MarshaBradyo · 10/02/2022 20:16

[quote D0lphine]@MarshaBradyo

You can't make everything ok for them.

Shit happens. [/quote]
Not sure how you’ve made that leap.

Some things aren’t recommended any more and it’s good if schools are up to date on that.

rarge · 10/02/2022 20:17

[quote D0lphine]@MarshaBradyo

I disagree.

Mum swooping in and making it all ok isn't the answer. It makes the child look to other people (women) to sort their problems out. Rather than to be ok with the disappointment themselves, get through it and move on. Gives them confidence when you teach them properly how to deal with it. So when they're left out of something again (and it will happen!!) they know how to deal with it. [/quote]

Sorry but are you serious? Your turning this into a woman man-child thread. What a joke @D0lphine

Clearly a very unsupportive parent of this is your attitude

D0lphine · 10/02/2022 20:29

@rarge

I'm v supportive Smile

If you read all my posts you'll see my perspective which I think is valid. You might not agree which of course is fine. But it's a good approach I think. Supportive when things go wrong which of course they often do to us all! Know how to cope when things go wrong. Look inside for strength. V important.

D0lphine · 10/02/2022 20:30

@MarshaBradyo

I don't think complaining is the answer. I think things in life often aren't ideal. It's how you cope with it that matters. Inner resilience!

MarshaBradyo · 10/02/2022 20:34

[quote D0lphine]@MarshaBradyo

I don't think complaining is the answer. I think things in life often aren't ideal. It's how you cope with it that matters. Inner resilience! [/quote]
On a broader level I don’t think we’ll get the change that most people know is better for dc if everyone says fine.

Better for the school to be aware and to up date.

Flabbyflabberghasted · 10/02/2022 20:39

Anyone who doesn’t understand what’s wrong with this has never been picked last.

Goldilocks99 · 10/02/2022 20:41

At the end of the day this is the kind of thing that could seriously effect an Ofsted grading.
Most schools would rather sort the issue out by updating their methods than having an inspector witness it and be put into special measures.

Sinthie · 10/02/2022 20:41

The people who are saying yabu were probably never picked last. I still remember the kids who were to this day. And even being close to last (as I was), wasn’t great. Not good practice from the teacher.

CathyorClaire · 10/02/2022 20:50

It's a shit way to pick a team for a school PE lesson.

I still remember being at the stinging end and thought it had been done away with years back.

Complain away, OP. YANBU.

MargaretThursday · 10/02/2022 21:07

@Goldilocks99

At the end of the day this is the kind of thing that could seriously effect an Ofsted grading. Most schools would rather sort the issue out by updating their methods than having an inspector witness it and be put into special measures.
I can't imagine that would turn an inspection into special measures from being okay. If an inspector is that easily influenced then they're just as likely to give it outstanding because one of the children said "good morning, sir" politely. If it's part of a pattern it would be noticed, but not be the by all and end all.

What I'd say is that either it was a one off, or normally he's not picked last. I'd wait and see if it happens again, and if it does then have a quiet word with the teacher.

Kanaloa · 10/02/2022 21:16

[quote D0lphine]@rarge

I'm v supportive Smile

If you read all my posts you'll see my perspective which I think is valid. You might not agree which of course is fine. But it's a good approach I think. Supportive when things go wrong which of course they often do to us all! Know how to cope when things go wrong. Look inside for strength. V important. [/quote]
But looking at your problem then going to your relevant superior/person in power is exactly the way to cope when things go wrong.

Put up and shut up isn’t the right way to cope with issues.

itsgettingweird · 10/02/2022 21:16

This is why kids nowadays have no resilience.

Someone always has to be last. It's life.

You have to learn to recognise your own strengths and weaknesses. Deal with disappointments and deal with the unfairness of life.

My ds has a degenerative neurological condition. He's faced some real hardships because of this. He's also autistic.

He's had severe MH difficulties. They weren't solved by making life fair for him - because you can't. There are things someone with a physical disability can't learn to do.
He got over it by teaching him resilience. Teaching him to find his strengths and use them to his advantage. Building his confidence by giving him opportunities to access things he could.

He's now a para swimmer on a national talent pathway. 6 years ago he was suicidal.

A massive part of that was teaching him that if he was picked last for something and believed it was unfair - get up there and show them they made a mistake. Much better than getting upset about it and nothing changing.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/02/2022 21:43

@D0lphine

I would try and speak to your son about it and work towards building his resilience up.

Worse things are going to happen in his life. Way worse. Grief, illness, job loss, debt, unable to pay for essentials, relationship breakdowns. Possibly addiction, violence, pregnancy losses etc.

Have you spoken to him about how to deal with these things? Because they're going to happen.

And how will the ones who get picked first prepare for such life events? Obviously you don't know how it feels or else you might have a little bit of empathy for the children this happens to. It is brutal.
MarshaBradyo · 10/02/2022 21:44

Someone always has to be last. It's life.

Sure someone will come last, whether a race or test. They just don’t need to be picked last by classmates and another way to do teams can help some dc enjoy sport more.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/02/2022 21:46

It always amazes me that people still trot out the "toughen up" crap. It shows a fundamental lack of understanding of how resilience is built.

You don't make a child resilient by traumatising or humiliating them. You don't make a child resilient by overloading them with negative experiences they are too young to cope with. Children develop resilience gradually by having their needs met, by being valued and respected and taught that their well-being matters and that they have a right to prioritise it.

It was lazy thinking in the 80s - there's no excuse for it now.

labyrinthlaziness · 10/02/2022 21:48

I would complain about picking teams. I wouldn;t be softly softly personally, I would complain formally to the head.

I did my training over twenty years ago and it was unacceptable then. It is extremely bad practice for this to be happening and I would be pretty steaming if it happened to mine.

It is not 1986.

SoupDragon · 10/02/2022 21:51

The people who are saying yabu were probably never picked last.

Even all the ones who explicitly state that they were?

labyrinthlaziness · 10/02/2022 21:55

I was hit by teachers at school. It was wrong.
I was picked first, middle and last at school. It was wrong.
I was humilated by teachers at school. It was wrong.

This outdated practice should not be happening.

Times change. The fact it happened to me does not make it right. It is not acceptable in 2022. It is teacher-mandated bullying.

pollypokcet · 10/02/2022 22:03

@SoupDragon

The people who are saying yabu were probably never picked last.

Even all the ones who explicitly state that they were?

Same types who say 'I was smacked and I turned out fine'. We don't need to listen to those people.

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