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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so frustrated with people’s lack of ability to commit?

45 replies

Decisionsprovingimpossible · 09/02/2022 19:46

More of a rant as I’m quite sure (or hopeful at least) no one will think I am actually unreasonable, but I do want an anonymous sound-off.

I have a milestone birthday approaching, and I wasn’t going to do anything but I had quite a lot of people say that I should do something and that it would be a shame not to, so after some WhatsApp groups and general chat, I decided (after checking dates and so on) to arrange a meal out, nothing hugely expensive. And twenty people said they could come. I booked a place and paid a deposit.

And this week I’ve started to get the inevitable ‘sorry buts.’ One person has tested positive for covid so that’s obviously not their fault but the others are ‘sorry but I have to work / sorry but I double booked with suchabody’ and worse of all ‘sorry but I can’t come now, hope you have a great time.’

This actually happened to me years ago and I vowed never to do it again! But I have been a twat and succumbed to peer pressure.

OP posts:
AuntyJanet · 09/02/2022 19:53

It’s deeply annoying.

The covid one, fair enough.

The double-booking thing is bollocks - they mean they’ve had the offer of something they’d rather do.

Refrosty · 09/02/2022 20:00

Sorry, that isn't nice at all.

But this is why I rarely commit to anyone's celebration plans. If I say yes and something more important than a celebration type event comes up, I hate having to give excuses and have that person hold it against me, as if I said 'yes' lightly. It has happened too often, and I feel terrible having to apologise for letting them down. I can be more annoying and wait until closer to the time to ask if xyz event is still on.

Original poster
Decisionsprovingimpossible · 09/02/2022 20:01

Novel idea, or you could say you can go, not make any other plans, and go?

OP posts:
AuntyJanet · 09/02/2022 20:03

@Refrosty

Sorry, that isn't nice at all.

But this is why I rarely commit to anyone's celebration plans. If I say yes and something more important than a celebration type event comes up, I hate having to give excuses and have that person hold it against me, as if I said 'yes' lightly. It has happened too often, and I feel terrible having to apologise for letting them down. I can be more annoying and wait until closer to the time to ask if xyz event is still on.

How do you define what’s “more important”?

Something you’d rather do instead?

Not having a go, just interested.

PickledOnionSandwich · 09/02/2022 20:03

@Refrosty so you’re basically seeing if a better offer comes up whilst the organiser agonises over who’s coming Hmm

Sprig1 · 09/02/2022 20:03

That is shit. I am sorry that you have such inconsiderate friends. I hope that you still have a lovely time (and don't ever invite them to anything again).

Refrosty · 09/02/2022 20:06

[quote PickledOnionSandwich]@Refrosty so you’re basically seeing if a better offer comes up whilst the organiser agonises over who’s coming Hmm[/quote]
Nope. People always assume it's something like that. Hence why, I'd rather not bother saying yes.

Tippexy · 09/02/2022 20:08

[quote PickledOnionSandwich]@Refrosty so you’re basically seeing if a better offer comes up whilst the organiser agonises over who’s coming Hmm[/quote]
Exactly! So rude.

The rule in our house is that we always accept/commit to the invitation we got first, no matter what the second one is!

Whatisthepointinthis · 09/02/2022 20:25

Illness or genuine emergency aside, you make plans and stick to them. That’s what I do anyway. It’s not nice when things clash and you want to do both but I’d never let anyone down.

If only others were the same....

gettingolderandgrumpy · 09/02/2022 20:28

I agree op , if I’m asked to a event I check that I can go then I say yes or no . I wouldn’t agree then change my mind when I get a better offer or decide I can’t be bothered/ can’t afford it . I also think it’s rude to not to commit either way I wouldn’t invite those people as you can’t plan anything.

PickledOnionSandwich · 09/02/2022 20:31

@Refrosty Maybe you don’t like your mates that much if you can’t be bothered to even say ‘no’ to an invitation 😂

Yika · 09/02/2022 20:32

This kind of thing drives me mad, especially when it's others who've pushed you to organise something in the first place! Can you cut it back to 10 people? Sometimes smaller parties are actually more fun.

Mharri · 09/02/2022 20:33

@Refrosty

Sorry, that isn't nice at all.

But this is why I rarely commit to anyone's celebration plans. If I say yes and something more important than a celebration type event comes up, I hate having to give excuses and have that person hold it against me, as if I said 'yes' lightly. It has happened too often, and I feel terrible having to apologise for letting them down. I can be more annoying and wait until closer to the time to ask if xyz event is still on.

This is the point the OP is making - if you commit a yes, then you should absolutely attend (except illness/exceptional circumstances).

Sorry OP, it's so disappointing when people are flakey :(

FOJN · 09/02/2022 20:34

The rule in our house is that we always accept/commit to the invitation we got first, no matter what the second one is!

Me to, and honour the commitment unless ill or a real emergency comes up.

RitaFires · 09/02/2022 20:36

I'm sorry that's really shit. I always found inviting people for a drink easier than a meal because some people won't commit to an actual meal but will pop in and have a drink with you.

cheesenpickle · 09/02/2022 20:48

I know how you feel! I had a party booked for 21st March 2020 for a mile stone birthday, 60 coming.- obviously cancelled. Couldn't get money back so have rearrange it for this March. Sent out invites months ago, and yes the ' sorry buts are coming in...at the moment I've got 15 coming. I'm seriously thinking of cancelling. I think it's rude and flaky. I hope you still enjoy your do.

GreenClock · 09/02/2022 22:05

This is annoying OP. I understand. The Subsequent Better Offer types are maddening. As are those who get to Friday and decide that they can’t be bothered this weekend and are staying in (mental/physical health problems aside). So discourteous.

Not relevant to the OP but I’ve had situations where I’ve said yes and the goalposts have subsequently moved. So, a hen night has turned into 48 hours of “activities” costing £££££. Or the venue for someone’s big birthday has changed from Town A to Town B and it’s now a 50 minute journey each way on two trains. People who are short of funds/time or who have limited childcare options struggle with this sort of thing and can’t be criticised for withdrawing. Not relevant to the OP though as I said.

gingerhills · 09/02/2022 22:46

Stop laying into @Refrosty. For all we know she means that an elderly parent has a fall or a teen with MH issues has an absolute meltdown/diabetic child has a hypo and can't be left unattended or she's a medic/careworker/fire officer/police offer who has no power to pick and choose shifts.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 10/02/2022 12:27

Were you paying for the meal or did they suddenly realise it was pay for yourself instead of an invitation?

Original poster
Decisionsprovingimpossible · 10/02/2022 12:29

It’s pay for yourself but that was always pretty clear. I did pay a deposit, though.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 10/02/2022 12:53

I agree, it’s incredibly rude. If you commit to doing one thing you stick to it, even if you do get a “better offer”. Unless there’s an emergency or you’re ill, it’s very rude to change your mind last minute.

DysmalRadius · 10/02/2022 12:57

@gingerhills

Stop laying into *@Refrosty*. For all we know she means that an elderly parent has a fall or a teen with MH issues has an absolute meltdown/diabetic child has a hypo and can't be left unattended or she's a medic/careworker/fire officer/police offer who has no power to pick and choose shifts.
Then why not say that?
Crumbleburntbits · 10/02/2022 13:18

@Decisionsprovingimpossible I was in this situation for my last big birthday nearly 10 years ago. People dropped out with lame excuses. I ended up eating food I’m not keen on, in a place I didn’t like and at a time I don’t usually eat because I was trying to keep everyone else happy!

I learned my lesson the hard way. This year I’m NOT arranging anything with friends or family for my big birthday! DH and I will eat our favourite meals on our own while we are away for a few days Smile

Whelmed · 10/02/2022 13:21

I've seen this happen so often to other people, why do some think it's ok to say yes and then just pull out without a really good reason. They should just say no thanks.

Cherryana · 10/02/2022 13:26

I am sorry this has happened to you. I have arranged all sorts of events over the years, school, personal, community and the thing in common I have found is money. When people have to pay in advance they commit.

I organise a birthday party meal which included 60 people and no one dropped out - so while this might be unhelpful for you op, it might help some others out there who are organising birthday parties, and read your thread.

They had to pay me for their dinner (£20 in advance). There was a link in the electronic initiation I sent out to pay at the time of rsvp'ing. I used paperlesspost.com