Page 2 | To feel so frustrated with people’s lack of ability to commit?

Decisionsprovingimpossible · 2022-02-09T19:46:29+00:00

More of a rant as I’m quite sure (or hopeful at least) no one will think I am actually unreasonable, but I do want an anonymous sound-off. I have a milestone birthday approaching, and I wasn’t going to do anything but I had quite a lot of people say that I should do something and that it would be a shame not to, so after some WhatsApp groups and general chat, I decided (after checking dates and so on) to arrange a meal out, nothing hugely expensive. And twenty people said they could come. I booked a place and paid a deposit. And this week I’ve started to get the inevitable ‘sorry buts.’ One person has tested positive for covid so that’s obviously not their fault but the others are ‘sorry but I have to work / sorry but I double booked with suchabody’ and worse of all ‘sorry but I can’t come now, hope you have a great time.’ This actually happened to me years ago and I vowed never to do it again! But I have been a twat and succumbed to peer pressure.

Cherryana · 10/02/2022 13:27

invitation not initiation

Masterchief507 · 10/02/2022 13:30

This is why I don't do birthdays.

When people tell me I should do something I ask them to organise it then! Quickly goes quiet.

RainbowConnection1 · 10/02/2022 13:53

I had this happen with my hen night. Originally 12 coming and it ended up just me and my bridesmaid. It was only ever a meal and a few drinks but they all dropped out and I was very upset. I am not friends with those people anymore!

Lucimaya · 10/02/2022 13:59

Apathy. That's why I don't organise anything any more, and probably same reason no one else bothers also!

FateHasRedesignedMost · 11/02/2022 12:03

It’s pay for yourself but that was always pretty clear. I did pay a deposit, though

If it’s pay for yourself it’s not really an invitation though, and people will see it as a ‘turn up if you can’ sort of thing rather than a hosted event. They’ll be far less committed and may not want to splash out on an expensive meal, bring kids etc.

Generally if it’s your birthday and you throw a celebration, you pay for your guests? Seems a bit cheeky to ‘invite’ people to a place of your choice for a fixed date and time and expect them to cover the bill. And no doubt bring gifts etc to say happy birthday.

The deposit is presumably refundable provided enough turn up? So you won’t be paying anything?

Original poster

Decisionsprovingimpossible · 11/02/2022 12:43

Generally if it’s your birthday and you throw a celebration, you pay for your guests? Seems a bit cheeky to ‘invite’ people to a place of your choice for a fixed date and time and expect them to cover the bill. And no doubt bring gifts etc to say happy birthday

This is a MN thing for me: I’ve never, ever experienced this where it’s expected that someone will cover the entire balance of a meal out - it would cost hundreds!

I don’t expect gifts and I don’t even expect people to come if they don’t want to. What I object to is saying they can’t wait and see you there then pulling out.

OP posts:

FateHasRedesignedMost · 12/02/2022 10:51

I’ve never, ever experienced this where it’s expected that someone will cover the entire balance of a meal out - it would cost hundreds!

I guess you invite fewer people then?

Or budget in advance/save up to throw a celebratory meal for your birthday?

The only time I’ve been to ‘pay for yourself’ birthday meals was as a student! And they were generally cheap places.

When DH turned 40 we paid for a buffet meal and party in a nice hotel, with an open bar tab, yes it cost a lot but friends were making the effort to travel, give up their time and celebrate so it would have felt incredibly rude to charge them for food! We planned it well in advance so the costs weren’t unexpected.

Pay for yourself events are always going to be risky in terms of people changing their minds, deciding they can’t afford it, feeling too tired from work, being invited to a wedding or something. It’s not a proper invitation if you’re expecting everyone to split the bill.

Original poster

Decisionsprovingimpossible · 12/02/2022 10:54

I guess I’m not seeing what’s so hard about saying yes, would love to come or really sorry, won’t be able to make that.

Painting me as the unreasonable one is not really on.

OP posts:

ilovepuppies2019 · 12/02/2022 13:57

@FateHasRedesignedMost

I’ve never, ever experienced this where it’s expected that someone will cover the entire balance of a meal out - it would cost hundreds!

I guess you invite fewer people then?

Or budget in advance/save up to throw a celebratory meal for your birthday?

The only time I’ve been to ‘pay for yourself’ birthday meals was as a student! And they were generally cheap places.

When DH turned 40 we paid for a buffet meal and party in a nice hotel, with an open bar tab, yes it cost a lot but friends were making the effort to travel, give up their time and celebrate so it would have felt incredibly rude to charge them for food! We planned it well in advance so the costs weren’t unexpected.

Pay for yourself events are always going to be risky in terms of people changing their minds, deciding they can’t afford it, feeling too tired from work, being invited to a wedding or something. It’s not a proper invitation if you’re expecting everyone to split the bill.

I wonder if this a cultural difference? I'm not in the UK and it would be quite unusual for the host to pay for everyone. It would mean that you could only celebrate occasions rarely if you were struggling to get by you would never be eligible for a celebration because you couldn't pay for more than your own meal. For a huge landmark birthday and a big celebration it's possible that the host would arrange this and pay but that would be perhaps once a decade if it happened at all. It's completely normal in my country for people of all ages to suggest a restaurant, date and time and to have everyone pay for their own meals. In Friends, didn't rest of the guests pay for Monica's birthday meal and their own? So that's another way of doing it. But I hate the idea that you shouldn't celebrate if you can't afford to pay for 5+ meals and drinks. I would never celebrate!

That's very unkind OP. The same thing happened to me once and I was devastated. It's the worst way to ruin a birthday :( I'm so sorry that that happened. Try to remember that for other people it's just a dinner and if they have a lot going on then it doesn't feel as important it does for the birthday person. I hope that you still have a great time with the people that do go. Maybe it will bring you closer together with the group that go? Happy birthday!

Coffeetree · 12/02/2022 14:44

Accepting an invitation and then flaking is garbage behaviour. There have been plenty of Fridays where I've been exhausted from work but still dragged myself to a meal or whatever, when I've accepted the invitation. I'm on time too!

Recently I invited some ppl over for a Sunday lunch at my house. A group of us had lunch and then decided to take a walk. On the walk I got a text from someone I'd invited (who had said she "might come" so I wrote her off when she didn't arrive at the stated time). She texted shirtily that she was at my house (two hours late!) and no one was in. Id invited for lunch at 1:00 and it was 3:00 when she showed up. Also she'd brought some randoms and they were cold. I said we were about twenty minutes away and they all waited pissily in the car. When I arrived I gave them coffee and desserts saying, "Glad you could make it!"

I'm never inviting her again. I know it's just lunch or whatever but that kind of thoughtlessness ruins relationships.

dreamingbohemian · 12/02/2022 14:53

I'm sorry OP that really sucks

I've now put my friends in two baskets, the Flaky and the Non-Flaky

My Flaky friends are very dear to me and I do actually like that we are all so tolerant of each other's chaotic lives, none of us want people to force themselves to be social. BUT what that means is that we rarely organise anything too formal or big. It's much more, going out for drinks if anyone wants to come.

I would only arrange a proper dinner party with my Non-Flaky friends.

I know you shouldn't have to cope with flakiness but realistically you can't change it so might as well adapt to it.

dreamingbohemian · 12/02/2022 14:55

I wonder if this a cultural difference? I'm not in the UK and it would be quite unusual for the host to pay for everyone.

I think it's an income/class difference? I've lived in several countries and the only times I've been to birthday celebrations where the host paid, it was because they were rather well off.

Whybirdwhy · 12/02/2022 14:59

I'm 40, I have been for loads of celebratory meals out, never once has one person foot the bill! Everyone always pays for themselves, that is normal behaviour.

Bigsighall · 12/02/2022 15:06

People are shit. I’ve organised a few drinks for dh milestone bday today. One of his good friends who initially accepted told me yesterday they couldn’t come because they were ‘double booked’ ….cunts!

Ijustreallywantacat · 12/02/2022 15:08

I find the world of 'the host must pay for everyone' extraordinary. I've seen it once, at a 40th wedding anniversary celebration. Never again. I would never ever expect to be paid for so pay no mind OP unless you are loaded like these posters.

As for the excuses for everything, yes it infuriates me. I've had two events completely ruined because of flakes recently. I don't care how shit you thought our plans are, you said youd come! X

Queeniepies · 12/02/2022 15:14

I never organise anything for this very reason; there are always last minute excuses, and cancellations, and people who are super late because they're so 'busy'. Then I see others on FB having, say 100 people turn up to their baby shower and I think 'how the heck do they get people to turn up?!'

Coffeetree · 12/02/2022 22:09

Yes I don't understand that either. Do host's have to invite people and then keep reminding and herding them?

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 22:40

[quote PickledOnionSandwich]@Refrosty Maybe you don’t like your mates that much if you can’t be bothered to even say ‘no’ to an invitation 😂[/quote]
Actually I've noticed in my friendship groups that it's the friends who make a huge deal of their birthday every single year (which often goes hand in hand with guilt tripping and pressuring their friends and acquaintances into coming) that get a great turnout.

My loveliest and gentlest friends are often the ones that get last minute drop outs and poor turnout because people assume those lovely friends won't care, and know they wont make a big deal of their flakiness. Meanwhile everyone turns up to the birthdayzilla parties.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 22:42

Sorry @PickledOnionSandwich I quoted the wrong message!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/02/2022 22:43

When people have to pay in advance they commit.

I think this is true! When we organise class parents drinks for the school (obviously no obligation) it only works if there’s a deposit to pay. Otherwise we get yes,yes,yes and then on the day everyone drops out but a few. It’s worse when there’s a WhatsApp group (I think never set one up for a party etc) as once one person says “oh sorry I can’t make it” everyone started. it’s like no one wants to be left with the hot potato of being the one still attending a badly attended event.