Sick of husband's moods and grumpiness!!!!

LottyD32 · 09/02/2022 17:24

No, jog him on and be done with it. You'll be better off.

BuritoCat · 09/02/2022 17:27

Why bring another baby into this.

Leave. You're obviously not compatible.

Original poster

unfeelingwife · 09/02/2022 17:27

@BuritoCat

Why bring another baby into this.

Leave. You're obviously not compatible.

That's so helpful ! Thanks !

OP posts:

FlyingPandas · 09/02/2022 17:30

What I don’t understand is why you’d want to have another child with him when he behaves like this.

I mean, I appreciate it’s too late now as the baby’s coming, but this isn’t going to get any better, is it?

Sounds like he needs a major kick up the arse. What are your plans for when the baby comes? For most sensible supportive dads that’s the time when they pretty much take over most of the dealing with the eldest child (ie nursery runs, night wakings etc) so that mum can focus on the newborn. Does he realise that he’s going to have to massively step up?

mumofone234 · 09/02/2022 17:31

I think advising to leaving him is a very extreme reaction, especially as you're soon to have two young children.

Life with children can be exhausting and stressful, and it can put any relationship under strain. You're rightly fed up with his behaviour and attitude, but perhaps a good first step is to sit down with him one evening, when all the daily jobs are done and you're both more relaxed, and have a frank conversation about how you're feeling? He may even be a bit depressed.

Original poster

unfeelingwife · 09/02/2022 17:32

@mumofone234

I think advising to leaving him is a very extreme reaction, especially as you're soon to have two young children.

Life with children can be exhausting and stressful, and it can put any relationship under strain. You're rightly fed up with his behaviour and attitude, but perhaps a good first step is to sit down with him one evening, when all the daily jobs are done and you're both more relaxed, and have a frank conversation about how you're feeling? He may even be a bit depressed.

I do worry he's depressed!

OP posts:

jay55 · 09/02/2022 17:33

Every time he moans about helping you, tell him he isn't he's doing his share. And as he doesn't do his share on the childcare front most of the time it is you helping him out.

JennyForeigner · 09/02/2022 17:39

I feel for you OP. We went through something similar when we had baby twins with a toddler. It was like my husband was stuck behind a barrier of self-pity. In retrospect, we have talked a lot about male post-natal depression, but it was hard.

Counselling helped us - I hate to say this, but having a man in the room listening to but also challenging my husband was something that could break through when I couldn't. We moved forward very quickly from there.

Good luck.

Borgonzola · 09/02/2022 17:41

My DO can be fairly grumpy but not to this extent. Methods I use with him:

being overly cheerful when he's being grumpy. He realises quickly and then feels guilty so snaps out of it
sit him down and say seriously 'do you want to talk about anything? Are you ok?' This generally makes him realise that he's behaving like an unhelpful twat and once he says out loud 'no, I'm just feeling grumpy' we can laugh about it
I always announce if I'm in a (rare) grumpy mood, which prompts him to do the same
if he starts moaning, I just blandly say 'right so what's actually the problem' which gets him to admit that... there isn't one. Or 'I don't think it's the end of the world' and he therefore has to agree. Good if you've got a moaner as well as a grumpy arse
I once, a few years ago, got so sick of it that I told him that he was one of the moaniest, most negative people I'd ever met and most of his problems were self-created. I then also told him he needed to get a life and stop whinging. I think he was shocked at the idea that he was a negative whiner and so all I need now to do is just mention the word whinge or moan and he tends to stop.
I also for good measure told him that being grumpy isn't a personality trait, it's actually just a lazy and selfish way of behaving, and that his grandfather was just the same and no one was sad when he died. Harsh but extremely true and hit the bone

This makes him sound awful but I love the stupid bugger really. It basically just comes down to taking the piss in the end because let's face it, being around a grumpy person is boring and offputting and they make themselves look like awful boring people when they do it

cuno · 09/02/2022 17:41

Why is it both of you work but you're also the one who's solely responsible for the home and child (soon to be children)? Why is it he thinks when he's not working it's his free time, but when you're not working you have to rear children, clean and cook and presumably pick up after him? Why is he so self-important that his career absolutely comes before you, your career, your shared children and your shared home, and therefore the onus is on you to make whatever sacrifices for the sake of his career? And he begrudges lifting a finger while you're heavily pregnant? Sorry but I don't think depression can explain all of that away.

mumofone234 · 09/02/2022 17:41

Obviously I don't know him, but it sounds like depression is a possibility, and that can make people harder to reach and very inward-looking. Whether he'll talk about it is another matter, but starting with that chat might be good.

It's so tempting to get into a competitive mindset in situations like this, where you're keeping score of who does most (no judgement here, as I'm a prime one for doing that!) But it's not a productive approach and just ends up eroding communication even further. Better to try and tackle things now, before the baby comes along.

Borgonzola · 09/02/2022 17:43

(My answer was obviously quite lighthearted. Your issue sounds much deeper in that he's really allowed himself to get carried away with his grumpiness. He needs to stop giving himself permission to do that, and you are also allowed to give yourself permission to not put up with it anymore)

MRS54321 · 09/02/2022 17:49

Could’ve wrote this myself OP,
Have a whole thread yesterday devoted to “why is normal family every life such a fucking struggle for DH?”
Inexplicably grumpy and thinks he’d nailing fatherhood as he changes nappies
Then , he crumbles when he fucks up( which is often) so I end up not asking
Cannot communicate with him
Cannot get him to change

I’ve no idea why family life is so hard - our DC is a brilliant laid back child , absolutely no reason on earth for DH to be as pain in the arse as he is..

Original poster

unfeelingwife · 09/02/2022 17:50

@cuno

Why is it both of you work but you're also the one who's solely responsible for the home and child (soon to be children)? Why is it he thinks when he's not working it's his free time, but when you're not working you have to rear children, clean and cook and presumably pick up after him? Why is he so self-important that his career absolutely comes before you, your career, your shared children and your shared home, and therefore the onus is on you to make whatever sacrifices for the sake of his career? And he begrudges lifting a finger while you're heavily pregnant? Sorry but I don't think depression can explain all of that away.

Well that's the root of it for me and why I get absolutely furious when I see him sighing and with his head in his hands.

He makes more money at the moment, but not a huge amount more than me. I pull in quite a bit from my work and it really really helps our family, it's not some mummy part time job. But mine is from home and the hours are not as brutal. So I just spend more time at home, in general than he does. So things tend to stick more on me. I have cleaners and outsource parts of laundry as well, as it's just too much otherwise.

He has a lot on his shoulders too at work and I know it gets to him. But I feel that the bottom line is that he somehow things he shouldn't have to do certain takes because he works hard outside the home.

So yes, I do wonder is he depressed because he wanted a different life and wife. Because I do pull him up on it and I fight for every little bit of equality between us. Because if it was up to him, I would be picking up his socks and giving him daily blow jobs.

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2022 17:54

I'm projecting here because I'm married to a mardy arse...

I think you need a good row.
Get it all out.
Tell him he needs to stop wallowing & make a plan because things aren't about to get easier & he's sucking up your energy.

It's not acceptable to make everyone around you feel guilty and miserable.
If he's not well, there are things he can do to feel better.

SpinsForGin · 09/02/2022 17:54

He needs to stop viewing parenting and housework as your job and he needs to stop thinking his job is more important than yours.

MRS54321 · 09/02/2022 17:56

Picking up socks and daily blow jobs
Brilliant
So would MY DH but doesn’t even have the decency to make more money than me.

Velvian · 09/02/2022 17:56

Fuck that, it's not depression, it's misogyny. He was expecting a wife that would do everything at home and earn a wage. You really are not fulfilling your side of the bargain (the side where you do everything and he does not need to worry his pretty head about it) and he is exasperated with you.

He needs a kick up the arse, op.

Original poster

unfeelingwife · 09/02/2022 17:58

@Velvian

Fuck that, it's not depression, it's misogyny. He was expecting a wife that would do everything at home and earn a wage. You really are not fulfilling your side of the bargain (the side where you do everything and he does not need to worry his pretty head about it) and he is exasperated with you.

He needs a kick up the arse, op.

Yeah I think so. I'm trying continuously to kick him up the arse. Things get better and then regress sometimes until the next best fight.

The only saving grace is that he frequently says he has so much more respect for all women now. Now that he sees how hard it is to look after children and the home. He admits that he prefers going to work.

He says he respects me / his mum and all mums a lot more now. He had no idea before. That's what he said last night, LOL.. after taking our child to nursery all day

OP posts:

tobleroneORterryschocO · 09/02/2022 18:01

@unfeelingwife

This is going to make me sound really bad, but I'm fucking done with my husband's moods and grumpy behaviour at the moment.

We've both got a lot on. And he's basically a grumpy bastard because he occasionally changes a fucking nappy as well as working very hard in his job.

I think he thinks he should bare pretty much no child rearing responsibilities as a man. Yesterday he, god forbid, had to take our DS to nursery and pick him up again and then sort dinner - shock horror. While he actually had a day off and I was at work all day.

All too much for him. I'm constantly finding him with his head buried in his hands and rubbing his eyebrows sighing. His entire demeanour is so off. I know I should have compassion, but it enrages me when I see his body language. He literally just sits with his head in his hands, a lot.

Apparently it's hard on him because I'm heavily pregnant and he has to help out more. He really doesn't do that much. He helps me bring our son upstairs to bed at night when he gets home from work and - shock horror - did nursery drop off and pick up yesterday as I was away.

Last night was saying he needs to focus on his work and he has too much on because of me needing so much help.. and how he needs to be free to focus on his work 100 percent and he never can.

I just got a call from him saying hi and he sounds so down in the dumps, so I asked him what's wrong and if anything had happened and he just grumped back that ' it's fine '. I'm finding it very difficult to have compassion and not be enraged by him. When I see him moaning around, I just want to scream. I'm sick to the sight of it.

I really don't demand that much from him. The occasional, can you lift that or can you bring me that. But every day is relentless for ME. By the time toddler wakes up, he's gone. So I get him ready, take him to nursery (if he's not I'll). I work from home and then pick him up again at the end of the day and sort out dinner etc. Husband gets home and takes son to bed with me. I stay to make sure he's asleep, comfort him when he cries etc. I get up in the night. If son is ill, I stay home with him too. Not husband as he can't get time off. Husband works 6 days a week, so all weekend I'm on my own with my son and I'm too tired to go out with him or do much, so the weekends are very lonely and tough too.

I don't understand how I'm ruining his focus in 'what he needs to do'. Even though I struggle myself, I'm generally cheery when he's around and don't take it out on him. It's like he needs someone to blame for not finishing a project he needs to finish.

I'm so sick of it. Do I just sound really mean ?

I know the feeling op it is mentally draining, one poster had some great ways of getting the husband to stop moaning, tips from anyone would be great!

Sick of moaning "old" menfeel your PAIN

MatildaTheCat · 09/02/2022 18:10

Why is he working 6 days a week? It sounds as if there’s no room for any fun in your lives at the moment. Having young children is really really tough and no matter how many times you hear that it doesn’t sink in until reality hits.

You’ve built in a couple of buffers with cleaners, shorter hours and nursery care (presumably you can very occasionally have a day off?). Your DH sounds a total PITA but he also sounds absolutely overwhelmed. Presumably he wasn’t always like this?

You need an honest conversation as to how to lighten the load a bit and also how to lighten up. He should check in with his GP or do the nhs website depression scoring test and assess his mood. Then look at diet, taking some exercise and taking time for you all to enjoy. Tell him how upsetting it is to hear him sigh each and every time he needs to do a perfectly routine parenting task.

Refusing to engage isn’t really on his list of options. Maybe he needs some time away from work or a different job. If he values having a wife and happy family then he has to do something. You can support him but only he can actually make those changes.

Good luck.

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2022 18:20

Refusing to engage isn’t really on his list of options. Maybe he needs some time away from work or a different job. If he values having a wife and happy family then he has to do something. You can support him but only he can actually make those changes.

This is spot on.
I think men sometimes sit there like little boys expecting their wives in the Mummy role to take it all on and make it all better.

Mojoj · 09/02/2022 18:26

Depression, maybe but more likely yet another entitled, sexist man that's more than happy to let his wife do everything while all he expects to do is go to work. Your choice of course but living with that would send me over the edge.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 09/02/2022 18:33

Why does he work 6 days a week? How many hours does he do? Does he have to do the 6 days? That sounds pretty shot.

When he's flopping around with his head in his hands, what does he say when you ask what's wrong?

If you think he's depressed, has he done anything about it? GP appt?

It sounds exhausting living with him.

PeskyRooks · 09/02/2022 18:36

@Borgonzola
One of the best posts I have ever read on mumsnet!