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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want space from in-laws during their visit?

43 replies

cherrylime · 09/02/2022 08:53

In-laws are here visiting to meet their grandson. They were staying 3 minutes up the road at a hotel which I pushed for to have a little space (I'm an exhausted FTM breastfeeding at least every two hours) BUT so far they've just gone there to sleep. They are literally here from 8am to 9pm and that's only after my heavily hinting that it's getting late and DS needs a bath, etc.

They have never had any boundaries, the other DIL in the family feels the same. I discussed my concerns with DH before they came (hence the hotel) but he's been no help at managing them since they arrived and seems generally checked out. He works all day so I feel very stuck with them in the house and awkwardly left to entertain them while managing a newborn. I struggle to make conversation with them, I don't know them well and we have nothing in common besides DH.

I've tried to get DH to suggest them things to do in town but they're not interested (or just not self sufficient/curious enough to want to go for an explore.) This means they're on the couch watching tv all day and giving DS cuddles. They would do this in previous visits even before we had our son, just sit on our couch and basically wait until DH was done with work and it was time to go to dinner.

When my parents visit from overseas they always make sure not to overstay their welcome each day, and frankly they want some alone time every day as well as I imagine most people would?? I'm really not used to PIL expectation that they should be spending time with us 24/7.

They were supposed to go see their 2 other grandkids tomorrow for the rest of their trip but one of the kids has tested positive for COVID and I am filled with DREAD. Of course this can't be helped but now they have to stay with us, in our house, possibly for another 5 nights.

I want to cry. I know it's not in our control but I am going to go mad. I feel so drained from their visit already and don't feel like DH is supporting me in anything we talked about previously with me needing some space. Which is now out the window anyway if they're staying in our house and I can't have any escape.

Don't get me wrong, they are lovely with DS and I'm so glad they can spend time together but AIBU to want a little space/quiet/privacy/alone time with DS each day???

Ultimately I guess the answer to that doesn't matter as it is what it is now, but I needed a vent and really would welcome any tips to cope for the next 5 days.... so please help!!!

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 09/02/2022 08:58

He should be there when his parents visit, not at work. Weekend visits only or he books annual leave.

You have my sympathy, that sounds incredibly draining. Do you take the baby upstairs for feeds and naps? I’d be spinning those out.

pollygartertidywife · 09/02/2022 08:59

I would make their visits absolutely conditional upon DH taking time off.

Want your parents over ? Then you entertain them. ! Why did you agree to DH sloping off and leaving it all to you ?

LankylegsFromOz · 09/02/2022 09:00

I was prepared to come on and say you are being unreasonable but reading this, you are not.

Why do they have to stay in the house now because one of the grand kids got Covid? Why can't they stay in their hotel at least? And why can't DH take a couple of days off now that this has happened?

theemmadilemma · 09/02/2022 09:02

There's no world where I would agree to hosting DPs family while he's not here to be with them. Nope, not happening.

Spudina · 09/02/2022 09:03

Bless you. No advice as such but solidarity OP. That does sound tough. I also think they should only visit when your DH is around. Are they helping on any way or just being waited on?

RishiRich · 09/02/2022 09:04

Get them to look after DS while you have a nap. They can take him for a walk in the pram/sling. Take him upstairs to feed him. Tell your DH he needs to step up.

parrotonmyshoulder · 09/02/2022 09:05

@pollygartertidywife

! Why did you agree to DH sloping off and leaving it all to you ?

Don’t put the blame on her! She is an exhausted new mother and clearly tried with insisting on the hotel. OP, this is hard. I have been struggling with similar for many years. I still struggle to communicate about it with DH. I stopped trying to please them all though, which helped me a bit!

Shmithecat2 · 09/02/2022 09:05

Yanbu. That would've driven me potty! Your dh should've taken some time off work for their visit. I'd be taking myself and the baby off to the bedroom for feeding/naps as often as I could if I were you.

gingerhills · 09/02/2022 09:09

That does sound exhausting and I would feel the same. But can you use their presence to get a bit of time? Can you ask them to cuddle your newborn while you have a long bath in peace each day? Can they cuddle him while you do any chores that are too complicated to delegate? Can you delegate some simple chores to them? E.g. ask them if they would help out by going to the shops for you or prepping dinner? Can you at least get out of the house with them for a short walk to a local park or natural area?

They'll be gone soon. I think it's easy for them to forget how absolutely exhausting it is to be a new mother and they are trying to show interest and love for their grandchild.

ComDummings · 09/02/2022 09:10

God that sounds like hard work for you! Your DH should be off while they are visiting. I’d honestly just ask them to leave during the day ‘I am going for a nap with the baby now, see you at about x time (when DH is home’

LookItsMeAgain · 09/02/2022 09:11

When the arrive, tell them that you're going out at 11am and you need them to leave. Then you leave with baby at 11 and don't return until 2pm or whatever.
They can't stay in the house without you there or without your DH there. Go anywhere - the local library, for a walk in the forest (if there is one near you), to the coast (again if you're near), wherever. Just don't stay indoors to suit them.

Repeat.

I'd also crack on with doing household chores and preferably if there was some vacuuming to be done, that it's done when they are on the sofa and you make it as awkward for them to be in your home while your DH isn't there.

Perhaps even throw into conversation "I'd love to stop and chat but there is house work that needs to get done. You might be more comfortable when DH comes back from work. That should be around 5pm or 7pm (if you wanted to have dinner without them). We'll see you then" and then hand them their coats.

Then when they are gone, make sure that your DH knows for the next time (as there will definitely be a next time and a time after that) that if his parents want to visit, then he takes time off work to host them and support you.

Yoyokitten · 09/02/2022 09:11

Hi cherrylime.
Oh that sounds tough, I would feel the same.
Could they not get a taxi to town have coffee and lunch out, and give you a break?
They don't sound very self aware. Anyone would outstay their welcome 13 hours a day for a week. Your husband should really have a word with them. Hope the next 5 days passes quickly

Simpkins04 · 09/02/2022 09:12

OMG, I came out in a cold sweat just reading this. Your IL's sound exactly like mine and your parents sound like mine, it frustrates me so much that inlaws are so intense and have to be around us 24/7 when they visit.

I'm sorry OP but I would be saying no to them staying for 5 days. They've had time with your DC, seen you and your DH, now they can bugger off. Do they live in a different country and have to catch a flight back on a certain day or something? Just struggling to understand why they're staying on if their visit to other GC has been cancelled?

I'd be absolutely furious with your DH too and saying they're never staying again unless he books the time off to see them. Absolutely awful on him leaving you to entertain them.

Seriously, just say you're sorry but you need some space now/ already have plans for those 5 days, whatever, but don't let them stay!

waterrat · 09/02/2022 09:12

That is faaaar too long a visit! I think you need to fake a mild illness illness hide in bed with baby for long periods of the day. Say you have a fever or something. They are adults and will have to entertain themselves.

You have a job of caring for baby and they are not being helpful by being intrusive guests.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 09:13

Your DH should have taken the time off. This sounds like hell. They could be the nicest people in the world but they aren't your family.

DH is just going to have to be blunt and ask them directly to leave at 8 or whenever you decide.

Original poster

cherrylime · 09/02/2022 09:15

DH works from home so he is around a bit/checks in between meetings etc and did take one day off but he has just finished his paternity leave so didn't want to book more time off right away. To be fair, PIL were originally supposed to visit during his Pat Leave but their trip got pushed due to covid rules changing so frequently and moved to now.

They are not demanding at all (yesterday they refused all offers for tea and snacks) and are helping in the sense they can watch DS while I run around getting to chores I haven't had time for and all that is fine, it's more the fact they don't even think to give us a few hours to ourselves at all. They are very much NOT self aware. And now the dread of them being here in the house (cost restrictions prevent them extending hotel stay, and they can't leave early as they live abroad and have flight booked next week)

I think I just have to suck it up but thank you for your replies and that I'm not completely unreasonable. Good idea to go upstairs for feeds I will try to stretch those out!

OP posts:

oishutup · 09/02/2022 09:15

That sounds so difficult. Put your foot down about them staying with you for 5 days...no way. We are conditioned to be all nicey nicey but you need to put yourself first & your newborn. (I speak from experience having to have some very difficult conversations with my MIL about visiting).

For the future, no visits unless your husband is there and available.

For today, say that you are instigating quiet time after lunch for a couple of hours. Go up to your room with your newborn, put headphones on & escape from them for a while.

All breastfeeding upstairs for at least an hour at a time.

Don't worry about whether it comes across as rude. Put yourself first. And say to your husband that this situation is never happening again.

ParadiseLaundry · 09/02/2022 09:15

@Shmithecat2

This. While they're cuddling DS this morning go and make yourselves a sandwich and wrap it up, as many hot drinks as you have thermos' and bottles of water and as many snacks as you can take up and go to bed for the rest of the day with the baby and Netflix.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 09/02/2022 09:16

Pink pen on an LFT time?

I sympathise. My in-laws are exactly the same and it's very draining. They are genuinely incapable of thinking of something to do to entertain themselves whenever they visit.

You need to tell DH he needs to take time off work or you're not letting them in the house.

SarahMused · 09/02/2022 09:17

Give them stuff to do that means they are out of the house for a while. For example a trip to the supermarket for essentials or ask them to sort the evening meal for everyone so they have to get the ingredients. Alternatively, get them to take the baby for a walk to give you a break. If they won’t go out, I would be off for a long walk by myself or to have coffee or lunch at a friends. Do not keep your baby up because they are still there, keep to your routine and ignore them or tell them that you are trying to get a regular bedtime.
Talk to your husband and tell him to tell his parents that they can’t stay with you or visit any longer. Why can’t they go home?

BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 09/02/2022 09:28

Re the extra time why can’t they leave early?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 09/02/2022 09:31

Honestly I’d get on with my day - go upstairs and watch my own tv on a laptop or something with the baby

Sneak away for naps while they have the baby

Take the baby out for walks, go for coffee without them and leave them sitting at home watching tv - it will pass the day Quickly

stuntbubbles · 09/02/2022 09:40

Oh GOD this would be my worst nightmare. How old is the baby? Tomorrow I suggest he has a growth spurt and cluster feeds and PILs are told not to come round, you’re going to be tits akimbo feeding for hours. Perhaps the next day he can suddenly develop colic so they’re better off going for a day trip.

DH needs to take time off. If you weren’t feeding every two hours I’d fully march into his WFH space, hand him the baby and tell him to entertain his parents.

You need to get firm, I think: set the boundary on when they’re arriving tomorrow (I assume they’re already there now) – “the baby isn’t sleeping well but likes a lie-in, don’t come over till 11. We’ll have lunch then I’m taking him to baby sensory – sorry,
Covid means you can’t come. Do pop back at 6pm to say night night before bathtime.” That sort of thing. And when they stay behind schedule, stand up and TURN OFF THE TV and get their coats. Be as rude as they’re being.

Nsky · 09/02/2022 09:40

Are they not able to help in any way?
Take your son out for a walk, things that would help me?
Hoping time passes soon

Jjjayfee · 09/02/2022 09:44

Can't they take baby out for a walk and you have a lovely soak in the bath

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