To want space from in-laws during their visit?

[cherrylime]

In-laws are here visiting to meet their grandson. They were staying 3 minutes up the road at a hotel which I pushed for to have a little space (I'm an exhausted FTM breastfeeding at least every two hours) BUT so far they've just gone there to sleep. They are literally here from 8am to 9pm and that's only after my heavily hinting that it's getting late and DS needs a bath, etc.

They have never had any boundaries, the other DIL in the family feels the same. I discussed my concerns with DH before they came (hence the hotel) but he's been no help at managing them since they arrived and seems generally checked out. He works all day so I feel very stuck with them in the house and awkwardly left to entertain them while managing a newborn. I struggle to make conversation with them, I don't know them well and we have nothing in common besides DH.

I've tried to get DH to suggest them things to do in town but they're not interested (or just not self sufficient/curious enough to want to go for an explore.) This means they're on the couch watching tv all day and giving DS cuddles. They would do this in previous visits even before we had our son, just sit on our couch and basically wait until DH was done with work and it was time to go to dinner.

When my parents visit from overseas they always make sure not to overstay their welcome each day, and frankly they want some alone time every day as well as I imagine most people would?? I'm really not used to PIL expectation that they should be spending time with us 24/7.

They were supposed to go see their 2 other grandkids tomorrow for the rest of their trip but one of the kids has tested positive for COVID and I am filled with DREAD. Of course this can't be helped but now they have to stay with us, in our house, possibly for another 5 nights.

I want to cry. I know it's not in our control but I am going to go mad. I feel so drained from their visit already and don't feel like DH is supporting me in anything we talked about previously with me needing some space. Which is now out the window anyway if they're staying in our house and I can't have any escape.

Don't get me wrong, they are lovely with DS and I'm so glad they can spend time together but AIBU to want a little space/quiet/privacy/alone time with DS each day???

Ultimately I guess the answer to that doesn't matter as it is what it is now, but I needed a vent and really would welcome any tips to cope for the next 5 days.... so please help!!!

Given you had expected them to move on by now I'd think carrying on with whatever arrangements you have with friends etc this week is perfectly doable.

It seems a little unfair that the other kids got covid so it is down to you to suck up them being in your house - when you'd said they could only come if they stayed in a hotel - rather than them paying for accommodation elsewhere... it seems a bit 'nothing can be done so we'll just inconvenience you and you will oblige.' And everyone around you expects it.

Get planning - get out just you and baby!

Having read your update @cherrylime, what I would do is arrange a 'meeting' with DH during his work day and plan some activities for them to do. If you can, pay for these activities yourselves so that they can't back out without really being rude "Well, DH paid for you to do X or Y, so we'll see you when you return" and see them off for a morning or a whole day. Have it as a done deal.

Your DH has his space (when he's working from home so can't be disturbed), so where is yours? Does your DH take the baby when he's finished work for the day?

I wasn't aware that they had travelled from overseas which does make things a little more awkward as they can't just pack up the car and drive home for example.

Can you ask them to take the baby out for a short walk around the estate or block or something and say "I need you to take baby out for a walk please? DH is at work and I have X to do so this would be a massive help to us both". Would they be the sort that want to be useful and just don't know how to broach the subject?

Your DH sounds a bit wet / useless and not supportive

• can you invent things you need that they can help with?

(We really need some mushroom and milk would you be able to pop to the shops for me it would be such a help....and nice for you guys to get some fresh air. there's there's really nice coffee shop there too, which is worth popping into" "Would you be able to pick up some thank you cards / some stamps for me"

• alternatively get ready in secret then announce you are popping out with baby on a quick errand to "drop something at a friend's"

• Taking your son to the local swings / playground and feed the ducks or whatever.

• I'd shut myself away in the bedroom asch as possible.

• in the evening literally say I going to bed take the baby away and leave your husband to it.

@cherrylime

DH works from home so he is around a bit/checks in between meetings etc and did take one day off but he has just finished his paternity leave so didn't want to book more time off right away. To be fair, PIL were originally supposed to visit during his Pat Leave but their trip got pushed due to covid rules changing so frequently and moved to now.

They are not demanding at all (yesterday they refused all offers for tea and snacks) and are helping in the sense they can watch DS while I run around getting to chores I haven't had time for and all that is fine, it's more the fact they don't even think to give us a few hours to ourselves at all. They are very much NOT self aware. And now the dread of them being here in the house (cost restrictions prevent them extending hotel stay, and they can't leave early as they live abroad and have flight booked next week)

I think I just have to suck it up but thank you for your replies and that I'm not completely unreasonable. Good idea to go upstairs for feeds I will try to stretch those out!

don't know them well and we have nothing in common Perhaps now is the time to get to know them and find some common ground? Why don't you all go out for a walk? To the park? Cafe? Museum? Out for lunch? Even if oh is working, there must be locations you could easily go to.

OP, I am so cross on your behalf.

Your plan is now to please yourself. PIL can make themselves useful and do some cooking and cleaning for you as you need to rest. Go back to bed with DC and settle yourself down to enjoy some peace and quiet from them.

DH needs to step up. They never come again unless he is at home to deal with them. WFH is a red herring he clearly isn’t around to entertain so it has fallen to you.

Well no more!
Please yourself and tell DH and ILS that as you are all family they won’t expect you to be waiting on them and they should muck in and help our as that’s what families do. Then off to the bedroom and please yourself.
No one has your best interests at heart so you must.

Plan a weeks worth if activities for you.
Monday AM: supermarket (plus coffee and cake)
Mon PM: local walk
Tues AM: baby group
Tues PM: chores on Town (with coffee and cake) etc etc etc

Just go out, twice a,day, every day. Without them.
OK, the kids were bigger, but PiL are nocturnal, and my kids are early risers. I used to get up and take the kids out for the morning, and come back to theirs having actually done something. It shocked them the first few times and then they started the heating coming on a bit earlier!

@pollygartertidywife

I would make their visits absolutely conditional upon DH taking time off.

Want your parents over ? Then you entertain them. ! Why did you agree to DH sloping off and leaving it all to you ?

This with bells on. Why do some women let their husbands set them up for this nonsense?

Oh no, poor you!! Did you post a couple of weeks back about how to handle their impending visit? There was a thread with a story similar to yours..

Anyway you have my total sympathy, my in-laws also live abroad and came for an extended visit when baby was a month or so old. Though we get on well, it was a similar situation. A few suggestions:

• put them to work on chores: cleaning, shopping, washing, cooking etc
• suggest they take baby out for a walk every morning when fed and settled
• then, designate a time of day, maybe early evening (or when baby again is settled) for you and DH to go for a stroll together, just you two
• Try to mix up the days with outings. DH can take them somewhere at the weekend?

@SockFluffInTheBath not sure you saw my update but they were supposed to come during DH paternity leave and had to push it due to covid rules changing. As his paternity leave only finished a couple weeks ago it's hard for him to take much time off but he's trying now to reorganize some things. Though I agree he could be more helpful in managing this now things have changed!

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies, I've organised a tour for them tomorrow and today they took my suggestion they pop into town to get me some things for dinner tonight. They'll look after DS while I take dog out and maybe I'll even get a chance for a long bath.... silver linings.

Yes, I did see it but did you not get a say in that? Or did you agree to it and now regret it?

Why are they there when your bloke’s at work? Surely they want to spend time with their son? He should have taken holiday while they’re there.

I would just be honest and tell them that you need a bit of space during the day as it’s overwhelming. Maybe suggest they run some errands to help you as it’s difficult for you to get out. Failing that tell your husband to take leave immediately & entertain his own parents..tbh I would never have agreed to it unless he was there anyway

Doesn't the baby need 2 walks a day for the fresh air? If they offer to "come along" then say lovely, I could really do with a nap, that's really kind of you and wave them out if the door.

And yes to extended upstairs feeding sessions. Commit fully to sleeping when the baby sleeps.

I do feel for you, but you maybe need to go in a bit stronger. Fake it til you make it, pretend to have more ownership of the situation than you feel.

The visit should never have gone ahead on this basis, OP. You will need to be more assedrtive re. future visits as to how they are managed. You are a FTM and wanting space for yourself and DC, and it is not fair that they are there all the time.
Please say to them that though you appreciate them visiting, you need some time on your own each day, so can they come just in afternoons/mornings, whatever time you choose. Just be politely assertive about it, and if they start saying, "We'll be no bother", "You won't know we are here", etc. etc. keep repeating that you would like the time on your own in the house. Good luck.

I guess at least if they're going to be staying with you from now until they leave, you can have a bit more freedom while they're there as they're not 'visiting'.

I'd use it to have a rest or do some things for myself, let them look after DS for a while.

Could the 4 of you go out for the day somewhere while DH is at work?

@cherrylime

DH works from home so he is around a bit/checks in between meetings etc and did take one day off but he has just finished his paternity leave so didn't want to book more time off right away. To be fair, PIL were originally supposed to visit during his Pat Leave but their trip got pushed due to covid rules changing so frequently and moved to now.

They are not demanding at all (yesterday they refused all offers for tea and snacks) and are helping in the sense they can watch DS while I run around getting to chores I haven't had time for and all that is fine, it's more the fact they don't even think to give us a few hours to ourselves at all. They are very much NOT self aware. And now the dread of them being here in the house (cost restrictions prevent them extending hotel stay, and they can't leave early as they live abroad and have flight booked next week)

I think I just have to suck it up but thank you for your replies and that I'm not completely unreasonable. Good idea to go upstairs for feeds I will try to stretch those out!

Ooh yes and giving baby a bath can take a while

They actually sound like nice people but maybe unsure or passive and they might be grateful if you asked them to do the odd thing like a shopping trip etc. Sometimes it can be easier doing stuff out the house other than just staying in. Also i think it's also fine for you to say 'I'm just going up to have a relax and a read for an hour help yourselves to anything.' Or 'I'm feeling really tired and just want to have a bit of a rest with the baby. Do you mind? Happy if you want to go into town for w while and will be great to see you later' or something. I think if you can carve a bit of time and just relax a bit more whether they are watching tv or not then you will stop resentment building. They then have a choice of doing something more active or just sitting there. But you've let them know. I would try and avoid letting the resentment build. It's not that you are being unreasonable but it's easy to blame people who are really not being that bad but just don't know what to do with themselves and may well be fine or welcome you going off for periods of time or suggesting other things for them to do. They might not want to step on toes and so the odd ask for help like for shopping might be welcome to them.

"I'm exhausted Mil, I'm going to take DS up for a nap for a few hours. Help yourself to tea and food!"

And go to your room. Don't be doing chores or entertaining, you're exhausted and need a break. It's a polite way of dropping a big hint.