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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Level of messaging in new relationship

33 replies

OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 03:14

I’m in my 50s and in a new relationship of a few months with a great guy who treats me well, says he loves me and wants a future with me. I tend to obsess about messaging though and wish I could relax about it, given that he seems committed to our relationship.

AIBU to expect him to reply to my messages in a given timeframe and to message me a few times a day? Is it ok for me to message him without worrying about if I’m overdoing it? I’m very insecure and afraid of rejection and I wonder if that makes me overthink things.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 09/02/2022 03:45

YABU to expect replies in a given timeframe and a few times a day. Focus on the time you spend together, how he makes you feel etc rather than if he’s responded within an hour to a text. Some people don’t like constant messaging and the pressure of responding.

PinkSyCo · 09/02/2022 03:56

I think it’s quite normal to message a partner most days. How many texts are you sending per day though and do you expect him to reply during working hours?

Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 04:03

I only send 2-3 texts and he’s retired so am not interrupting his working day.

OP posts:
Daenerys77 · 09/02/2022 04:12

Is he older than you? Being in constant contact via electronic messaging is more a young person's habit isn't it?

Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 04:18

No he’s a few years younger @Daenerys77 but agree it’s more a younger persons thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 04:19

Maybe I should put my phone away more often....

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 09/02/2022 05:12

I don’t think 2 or 3 messages per day is excessive at all. I’m not sure what your problem is though. Is your fella ignoring your messages? How often you do see each other?

ChangingStates · 09/02/2022 05:47

Whilst I don't think 2-3 messages a day is too much it's also absolutely fine for there to be less / none, and not significant for there to be a gap before replying. I am a similar age with a slightly younger man, we have been together 3 years, don't live together although may do in the future. Last time we messaged was 2 days ago, some days we message a few times & some not at all and sometimes there can be hours between messages being sent and a reply being sent back. We're very much in love and committed to a future together just don't feel the need for constant contact. It's actually very freeing!

ThatsAllFolks · 09/02/2022 05:52

I would say the bit to lose is the expectation of the reply window. U r assuming he looks often at his phone. Put urs away a bit. It will b liberating.

ExtraPlinky · 09/02/2022 06:08

@OutbackQueen

Maybe I should put my phone away more often....
Put your phone away and enjoy your day. If I didn't text Mr Plinky so much in the early days he would start sending me song lyrics and pictures of his day. He had a chance to miss me a little!
Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 06:35

@ChangingStates your relationship sounds great. You’re obviously in agreement about messaging and I’d like to feel the same. How often do you see eachother? I see my chap most days for a dog walk and then properly for a night together a couple of times a week.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 09/02/2022 06:40

I was/am like you. My fiance texted loads at the beginning then once he was at work the texts dropped off because guess what he was working and as a programmer he just got lost in his work. He also wasn't as obsessed by his phone as I was. I was quite needy inside but said very little.

I can understand why teenagers have an increased anxiety level these days. Always needing constant revalidation and replies.

I'm more relaxed now but it took over a year before I accepted he loved me and the number of texts didn't matter especially if you see each other most days like we did. Try and take a deep breath and relax.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2022 06:45

@Daenerys77

Is he older than you? Being in constant contact via electronic messaging is more a young person's habit isn't it?
I'm an old gimmer and agree with you. I really CBA with the faff of constantly messaging someone.
AuntyJanet · 09/02/2022 06:48

If I was in a relationship where I was expected to reply to text messages within a set period of time and had some kind of daily quota of messages to hit, I don’t think it would be long before I was looking elsewhere.

Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 06:55

Sounds like I need to relax. @Musicaltheatremum I think it’s going to take a long time for me to accept he loves me too and that the amount of messages doesn’t matter.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/02/2022 07:23

WhatsApp and texts are a total stress killer
I agree , and I’m somewhat the same
It not healthy the way I check for messages

I urge myself and you to wean ourselves of this unhealthy habit x

Journeynotdestination · 09/02/2022 07:32

I’m your age and don’t like texting so much. It would really put me off if I was getting messages and I felt I had to reply, in fact when I get messages from boyfriend I often don’t reply for up to 5 hours, because I don’t want to get into ping pong messaging. You do see him a lot so you don’t need to worry OP! Some people just don’t like messaging very much.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 09/02/2022 07:42

@AuntyJanet

If I was in a relationship where I was expected to reply to text messages within a set period of time and had some kind of daily quota of messages to hit, I don’t think it would be long before I was looking elsewhere.
Me too. I couldn't stand this. I dont carry my phone around with me, so only check it occasionally, and I get irritated by ping-pong messaging so rarely answer straight away.
Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 08:11

I should try to wean myself off my phone, WhatsApp in particular. When I see he’s online or has been active recently (which he is often) and not messaged me/replied to a message, it sends me into panic mode. Am thinking of turning off the read receipts function so I’m spared the agony 😣

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 08:15

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor OP?

It sounds like you have a lot of insecurities and it would probably benefit both you and your partner if you could talk them through with someone.

Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 08:22

I agree @cookiemonster2468. Yes have had counselling in the past but not for a long time. Do you think I should mention this to him? Don’t want to scare him off but am worried I might have a meltdown and he won’t understand what’s going on. It’s taking every fibre this of my being this morning to not go on WhatsApp and check when he was last seen 🤪 thank goodness I have a 3 hour meeting this morning and need to put my phone away.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 08:33

@OutbackQueen - only you can decide that really. How do you think he would react? It is quite a new relationship and it can be a bit intense if people get worried about messaging so soon.

In your shoes I think I would just try to manage the feelings, and try to think rationally about all the things he does that shows you he is interested in you.

Maybe around the 6 month point or if/ when things get more serious, you could start talking about your insecurities and needs.

But I'd actually recommend you speak to a counsellor before then to help you find strategies to regulate your emotions and not load these feelings onto him too soon.

Original poster
OutbackQueen · 09/02/2022 08:36

Good advice @cookiemonster2468, thank you 🙏

OP posts:
user1478172746 · 09/02/2022 09:10

If you see him every day and he is not keen on chating, maybe accept, that in these relationships there will be no messaging, except practicities.

CocoPancakes · 09/02/2022 09:15

I personally hate texting anyone. It's such a pain in the arse. Thankfully my husband feels the same. I've never felt the need to send multiple messages a day, unless I actually have something worth saying and it's not appropriate to call, for whatever reason. Maybe your guy just isn't in to looking at his phone.