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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party dilemma help

49 replies

dollym1x · 08/02/2022 17:55

I'm trying to write this as objectively as possible.
My child doesn't want to invite a particular friend to their birthday party.
This other child is someone who falls out with my child a lot & has a moody personality. Some days they are nice other days they can be snappy rude & make uncalled for mean comments. I've witnessed this myself.
My child has been expressing for a long time they don't want to be friends with this particular person. This will go on for say a few days, then the friend will have a good day & be nice so they're friends for another day or two.
My child has expressed in no uncertain terms that they don't want this friend at their birthday party.
Dilemma is, I know the parents fairly well, it wouldn't be able to be kept a secret that the party was happening.
I feel its a fairly big thing to exclude them from the party.
My child thinks this particular child will "ruin" the party.
Please help.
Should I force my child to invite this child to keep the peace? I do get on with the parents & the kids are on again off again friends so much.

OP posts:
minipie · 08/02/2022 17:56

Is it an all class party or just a few friends?

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 17:59

@minipie

Is it an all class party or just a few friends?
Not an all class party. Just a handful of better friends. Kids are a bit older (pre secondary school though).
OP posts:
icelollies · 08/02/2022 17:59

I think it depends on how old your child is, and who else is going?

If its the whole class except this one child, then yes you should invite them. If its a small party with a select group of friends your child should be able to choose who to invite?

If they are just little, then probably you should decide for the best? Would it be a big deal to not invite them, keeping in mind it would likely mean your child not being invited to the other child’s party…

Triffid1 · 08/02/2022 17:59
  1. how old are the children.
  1. How many children are being invited - whole class or select few?

Although, unless it's a 5 year old's whole class party, I really don't see it as an issue to exclude this child. And to be completely honest with the parents as necessary. You might adjust your language or wording based on relationship/age but it's basically some version of, "yeah, we're doing a smaller party for Bobbie this year. I'd have loved to invite Jack but they just don't seem to get on like they used to any more." And that can be proactive/reactive depending on the situation.

In my opinion, if you feel you have to keep the invite list a secret to avoid hurt feelings, then your invite list is wrong.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:01

They're not little, they're older. My kid just wants a handful of better friends there.
I guess I am just feeling bad about leaving this other kid out.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 08/02/2022 18:03

** I feel its a fairly big thing to exclude them from the party.
My child thinks this particular child will "ruin" the party.
Please help.**

^You listen to what your child is telling you.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:03

@Triffid1

1. how old are the children.
  1. How many children are being invited - whole class or select few?

Although, unless it's a 5 year old's whole class party, I really don't see it as an issue to exclude this child. And to be completely honest with the parents as necessary. You might adjust your language or wording based on relationship/age but it's basically some version of, "yeah, we're doing a smaller party for Bobbie this year. I'd have loved to invite Jack but they just don't seem to get on like they used to any more." And that can be proactive/reactive depending on the situation.

In my opinion, if you feel you have to keep the invite list a secret to avoid hurt feelings, then your invite list is wrong.

No it won't be kept a secret. Its awkward because I see this child pretty much every day. I do feel for my child though & don't want to force them into anything.
OP posts:
Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:04

@drpet49

** I feel its a fairly big thing to exclude them from the party. My child thinks this particular child will "ruin" the party. Please help.**

^You listen to what your child is telling you.

Ok thank you I needed someone to say that. I expect if the boot was on the other foot the other parents wouldn't blink at not inviting my kid.
OP posts:
minipie · 08/02/2022 18:05

If it’s just a handful of friends then invite the ones your DC wants.

Don’t invite a child your DC doesn’t want there just because it might be awkward for you not to.

Triffid1 · 08/02/2022 18:06

Yes, I think it would be MORE weird to invite this child than to not invite. And surely the other kid's parents can't be oblivious to the fact that your kid and their's don't get on any more? I see the boy who bulled DS for years almost every single time I do the school run - doesn't mean I feel the need to invite him.

If you are family friends and there are times when, for example, you host a family BBQ and you want to invite this family then yes, your DC would have to suck it up. But it's their party and it's going to be small anyway - it would be weird to invite someone they're not close to.

MaggieFS · 08/02/2022 18:08

I absolutely HATED being made to invite children I really didn't like just because my mum was friends with their mum or because my mum decided what would be fair. My opinion wasn't respected and it soon taught me where I stood in the hierarchy.

Please listen to your child and I'm sure you'll find a way to explain it to the other child's parents in a kind way. You don't have to tell the exact truth but something like 'it's a shame they don't seem to be getting on at the moment' would suffice if you have to.

Unless you have good reason to disagree with your child, please show them you respect their opinion.

TeenPlusCat · 08/02/2022 18:09

My kid just wants a handful of better friends there.

This is what you need to say to the other parent if it comes up. Just because you as parents are friends, doesn't mean your DD has to be friends with her DD.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:10

@minipie

If it’s just a handful of friends then invite the ones your DC wants.

Don’t invite a child your DC doesn’t want there just because it might be awkward for you not to.

You're right thank you!
OP posts:
nanbread · 08/02/2022 18:11

You could be writing about one of my children, and I wouldn't be offended at all. I would understand. I'd like to think the parents have a very good idea of how their child behaves and the potential impact of that.

I would of course be disappointed for my child, but all children face disappointments in life.

SunflowerSmith · 08/02/2022 18:13

Your child's feelings are more important than the other child, my Dd didn't want to invite a particular child to her party because he is a pain in the ass, he's disruptive every single day at school and was a nightmare at previous parties while his Mum sat there looking at her phone so I just didn't invite him.

Invite the ones your child wants to, it's doubtful the other parent will say anything but if she does be honest and say your child had to pick x amount of friends and it was his decision who he wanted there.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:14

@Triffid1

Yes, I think it would be MORE weird to invite this child than to not invite. And surely the other kid's parents can't be oblivious to the fact that your kid and their's don't get on any more? I see the boy who bulled DS for years almost every single time I do the school run - doesn't mean I feel the need to invite him.

If you are family friends and there are times when, for example, you host a family BBQ and you want to invite this family then yes, your DC would have to suck it up. But it's their party and it's going to be small anyway - it would be weird to invite someone they're not close to.

That's the thing I think this child would consider themselves a friend. They haven't got many friends. They've also always been like this, extremely moody & difficult from a young age. It just seems to be becoming more exaggerated since they've got older. I guess it got to me because the parents told me how few friends they had & how they were glad our kids were close. Yes we know the family well that's part of the problem.
OP posts:
Spudina · 08/02/2022 18:15

I invited a girl my DD isn’t so close with at the minute to a party recently, because she is part of a friendship group and it would have been obvious to exclude her. But my DD was fairly ambivalent about it either way. But in this case your child is actually asking you not to invite them. It’s your child’s decision. If the parents bring it up, just explain that the kids aren’t getting on so well at the minute, but you hope it improves.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:16

Thank you to everyone who has replied you've helped me put it into perspective!
I need to listen to my child you're all right.

OP posts:
Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:17

@Spudina

I invited a girl my DD isn’t so close with at the minute to a party recently, because she is part of a friendship group and it would have been obvious to exclude her. But my DD was fairly ambivalent about it either way. But in this case your child is actually asking you not to invite them. It’s your child’s decision. If the parents bring it up, just explain that the kids aren’t getting on so well at the minute, but you hope it improves.
Yes you're so right! Thank you everyone for talking sense into me.
OP posts:
nanbread · 08/02/2022 18:18

I would imagine the child has some additional needs. Let them down gently. Keep the party small.

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:23

@nanbread

I would imagine the child has some additional needs. Let them down gently. Keep the party small.
No, definitely no additional needs I've known them years. They're just used to getting their own way & also extremely moody. Always been like that I've no idea why I assume it's a personality thing. I just can't help but feel for them that they don't really have other close friends though.
OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2022 18:25

Surely your child is allowed to invite who they want and not who you want because you don’t want to feel awkward about it?

Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:30

@TheSnowyOwl

Surely your child is allowed to invite who they want and not who you want because you don’t want to feel awkward about it?
Yes I know you're all right I just feel bad for the other kid because they don't really have other friends. Thank you for replying 💐
OP posts:
Original poster
dollym1x · 08/02/2022 18:33

Guess I need to pack away my bleeding heart & stop being so empathetic to everyone 🤪
This kid doesn't really have other friends (parents had made a point of telling me), my kid has plenty of friends.
I remember not having many friends at school & being excluded from parties so I really think it colours my thinking sometimes.

OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe · 08/02/2022 18:34

Doesn’t really matter how you feel or how well you no the parents, because it isn’t your friend/kid/Or party. You are doing the right thing letting your daughter choose.