Party dilemma help

[dollym1x]

I'm trying to write this as objectively as possible.
My child doesn't want to invite a particular friend to their birthday party.
This other child is someone who falls out with my child a lot & has a moody personality. Some days they are nice other days they can be snappy rude & make uncalled for mean comments. I've witnessed this myself.
My child has been expressing for a long time they don't want to be friends with this particular person. This will go on for say a few days, then the friend will have a good day & be nice so they're friends for another day or two.
My child has expressed in no uncertain terms that they don't want this friend at their birthday party.
Dilemma is, I know the parents fairly well, it wouldn't be able to be kept a secret that the party was happening.
I feel its a fairly big thing to exclude them from the party.
My child thinks this particular child will "ruin" the party.
Please help.
Should I force my child to invite this child to keep the peace? I do get on with the parents & the kids are on again off again friends so much.

On the other hand you could try inviting enough kids to the party so the moody kid and his mood is not noticeable. One grumpy face amongst the many happy ones.

You could be me op, I have the same thing on a few weeks, and I really don’t know what to do.

Ds likes his friend, but finds him difficult, and he’s moody and grumpy. however his Mum is my friend,
If we don’t invite him it would all become very awkward, and I think others mums would talk about it, and we would look like we are excluding him.

If the other child is moody and doesn't have many friends, then maybe not being invited will be a good life lesson for them. Listen to your child, it's their party.

@Freddiefox

You could be me op, I have the same thing on a few weeks, and I really don’t know what to do.

Ds likes his friend, but finds him difficult, and he’s moody and grumpy. however his Mum is my friend,
If we don’t invite him it would all become very awkward, and I think others mums would talk about it, and we would look like we are excluding him.

Very similar situation. The parents as so nice & so are their other kids, I'm not sure whats going on with this one! Yes it will change the dynamics for sure. I'm going to go with what my kids wants & try ride it out with the other family. I don't like excluding people so it goes against my nature. Best of luck with your situation 💐

@EscapeTheCastle

On the other hand you could try inviting enough kids to the party so the moody kid and his mood is not noticeable. One grumpy face amongst the many happy ones.

That's a good idea but my child just wants a select small group of better friends, they're older kids. If they've been 5 or 6 wouldn't have been an issue.

@WorriedGiraffe

Doesn’t really matter how you feel or how well you no the parents, because it isn’t your friend/kid/Or party. You are doing the right thing letting your daughter choose.

Thank you, everyone has helped me put it into perspective 💐

Listen to your child 100%. It teaches them something about it being ok to remove people from your environment if they bring you down. That is healthy and it is allowed. It would be the wrong things to show them people can be mean but you just have to smile and crack on and include them in your circle.

If the other parent asks I wouldn’t lie. Will it feel awkward? Yes. But don’t lie and don’t feel guilty.

@BurntO

Listen to your child 100%. It teaches them something about it being ok to remove people from your environment if they bring you down. That is healthy and it is allowed. It would be the wrong things to show them people can be mean but you just have to smile and crack on and include them in your circle.

If the other parent asks I wouldn’t lie. Will it feel awkward? Yes. But don’t lie and don’t feel guilty.

Thanks for you input I appreciate it. Yes you're absolutely right I don't want to teach my child they have to include unkind people in things. I hadn't thought of it that way, really helpful perspective.

I would just mention it to the parents before hand. My really close friend has a child in my children's school. He's having birthday party. But she's already told me she'd love my kids to come but he's having a few close friends from his class. I don't mind at all, I get it. Just because we're friends doesn't mean we should force our children to be. They get on ok but aren't really close.

No, definitely no additional needs I've known them years. They're just used to getting their own way & also extremely moody. Always been like that I've no idea why I assume it's a personality thing.
I just can't help but feel for them that they don't really have other close friends though.

If their other children are happy and well adjusted it could well be additional needs. Not always obvious, even to people close to them. Struggling socially and emotionally and doing things like causing big scenes to ruin parties - suggests there's something going on beyond what's usual.

My 2 best friends and I have kids in the same school/year. The 3 of them have never got along especially well - much to our despair. We keep our friendship separate and let the kids get on with their own thing. Now they are older teens I have had the odd moment where dd will tell me something about one or other of them and I wonder where I draw the line between breaking a confidence etc. I decided if there are drugs or other real dangers I will tell. But we have no expectation they all have to be besties etc.

@EscapeTheCastle but that would mean the birthday child doesn't get the party they want just because their mum wants to save face with a couple of adults. That's a very clear way to tell the child they are not their mum's priority.

@Tiredmum100

I would just mention it to the parents before hand. My really close friend has a child in my children's school. He's having birthday party. But she's already told me she'd love my kids to come but he's having a few close friends from his class. I don't mind at all, I get it. Just because we're friends doesn't mean we should force our children to be. They get on ok but aren't really close.

We met through the kids, the kids are in class together & do a lot of activities outside of school together too.

We had this exact dilemma a few years ago. My dd invited a few friends, but was adamant about not inviting this particular kid. On the day of the party, he and his parents showed up anyway! But awkward...

I've told my child now they can choose who they want.
I'll just deal with the fallout (if there is any).
I do understand where my child is coming from, this child has even been extremely rude to me in the past & I've seen how they treat my child sometimes in front of me.
They are in a group in school though & this kid would be the only one not invited in the group. Other kids in this group also barely tolerate this kid, so the only one they'd have been closer to them was my child.
I'm not saying my child is perfect far from it they can stand their ground too.
I can see how miserable this "friend " is making them though.

Look at this way-
Your child doesn’t want to be friends with this child anymore and has requested they not be at their birthday party.

You feel bad because that’s easier for you, than facing their parents with the truth.

Please listen to your child, don’t make your child miserable just to make your life easier.

Try not to get too stressed about it. It is OK to have a smaller party with just a few friends. I say things like "We didn't have space for as many people as dc wanted so they had to pick a few."

@MaggieFS

I absolutely HATED being made to invite children I really didn't like just because my mum was friends with their mum or because my mum decided what would be fair. My opinion wasn't respected and it soon taught me where I stood in the hierarchy.

Please listen to your child and I'm sure you'll find a way to explain it to the other child's parents in a kind way. You don't have to tell the exact truth but something like 'it's a shame they don't seem to be getting on at the moment' would suffice if you have to.

Unless you have good reason to disagree with your child, please show them you respect their opinion.

Thanks for your perspective, yes I'll respect my child's choice. I don't want them to have unhappy memories of me making them invite people they don't want.

@nanbread

You could be writing about one of my children, and I wouldn't be offended at all. I would understand. I'd like to think the parents have a very good idea of how their child behaves and the potential impact of that.

I would of course be disappointed for my child, but all children face disappointments in life.

Yes you're right I would understand if they didn't invite my child to something too, particularly as they're barely getting along these days. I think my child would be happy if they weren't invited to this child's party at the moment though. They've also asked me if the parents ask for any playdates to say no. So I'll respect that too. Although hopefully that won't happen as the other parents hopefully know they're falling out all the time 😅

@skippy67

We had this exact dilemma a few years ago. My dd invited a few friends, but was adamant about not inviting this particular kid. On the day of the party, he and his parents showed up anyway! But awkward...

Gosh that would be really bad, I can't imagine doing something like that to someone! How was your daughter about him showing up? Did it still go OK?

@Stompythedinosaur

Try not to get too stressed about it. It is OK to have a smaller party with just a few friends. I say things like "We didn't have space for as many people as dc wanted so they had to pick a few."

Thank you for your kind comment, I was stressing about it 💐

@Staryflight445

Look at this way- Your child doesn’t want to be friends with this child anymore and has requested they not be at their birthday party.

You feel bad because that’s easier for you, than facing their parents with the truth.

Please listen to your child, don’t make your child miserable just to make your life easier.

Yes I'm going to thank you, everyone on here has helped me put it into perspective instead of me arguing against myself in my head 😅 Appreciate you all!

So I think if anything is said you just say “oh it’s just a handful of friends, not a big party”. They’d be crazy to argue with you or fall out over a kids’ party. Sure if it was a whole class party but not this.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

So I think if anything is said you just say “oh it’s just a handful of friends, not a big party”. They’d be crazy to argue with you or fall out over a kids’ party. Sure if it was a whole class party but not this.

Yes that's exactly how I'd think too. I'm hoping the parents know what's been going on with the kids. The kids had been on again off again best friends for years. My child has really had enough & is even relieved when the child isn't in school for a day which says a lot to me ...