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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

say something or not - ds football team

33 replies

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 11:03

Not sure whether to ignore, or say something to the coach. For a few months now, ds has been getting anxious before matches, and if he makes a mistake, a boy (son of the coach), calls him out on it, and makes him feel bad for letting down the team, and then ds gets more nervous, and doesnt play as well as he can. It's U14's. Last night at training the coach 'allowed' 2 boys to be pretend coaches, and pick their teams. DS was picked last... this dented his confidence. Then during the training, this boy was picking on DS. I have a feeling maybe the coach is saying things about DS and his son is picking up on it and saying it to DS.

Then the coach was picking the starting team for the match next weekend, and someone suggested DS for 'left back' and the coach sai, no no, not DS, and told him he can start on the bench.
I'm not a 'tiger mom' who thinks her kid is amazing! But I do think that this is not team-building, and DS confidence is getting knocked. It was noticeable that the week the coach and his son were not there he scored a goal and did really well. He has a couple of friends on the team who stick up for him, and are nice to him during the match.

I know he's as good as the others, as he's been picked to do a trial in school, and is on the 1st team in his year. I'm not boasting, but he is good at football, when he's not feeling anxious and nervous about making a mistake.
I suppose I should say nothing to the coach.... DS doesnt think it will do any good and might make things worse. We could look for another team, but DS is quite shy and it's taken the last 3 years for him to get to know the team (lots of time off during covid so it's not really 3 years), and there's great camaraderie with the other parents that I enjoy too.

Maybe I could say something to another parent.

What do ye all think - keep my mouth shut IABU, or say something IANBU

OP posts:

Bywayofanupdate · 08/02/2022 11:29

This coach doesn't sound like a great coach at all. If it were me I would say something, but I don't think it will go down well. Is he the head coach? Could you speak to the head coach and ask them to keep an eye on it and have a word? That way it doesn't look like it's coming from you?

Original poster

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 11:34

There's 2 coaches, I could say something to the other guy, but it would obviously go straight back to the other coach.

I just feel he should be 'team building' but he's turning them against each other IUKWIM. He must be saying stuff about DS at home, and the son is picking up on it. I just hate to see ds confidence being knocked.

I think I'm going to put out feelers for another team maybe. Though I will miss the chats with the parents who are all lovely and have been so welcoming and nice to us. DS joined the team when we moved here in Mar 2019

OP posts:

OldEvilOwl · 08/02/2022 11:43

Honestly I move move him to another team. I had similar with my DS, he's moved to another team, and its so different. He's really happy now and enjoying it

OldEvilOwl · 08/02/2022 11:44

And i tried speaking to them first but nothing happened

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2022 11:46

I’d move him and let the club know why

Clymene · 08/02/2022 11:47

Move him. That's shitty behaviour.

edwinbear · 08/02/2022 11:58

At U14, can he not ask himself? I have an U13 and I'd suggest he speaks to the coach himself in the first instance, there comes a point where they need to start sticking up for themselves a bit.

CagneyNYPD1 · 08/02/2022 12:03

Move him to another team. The coach sounds awful anyway. This will not get better any time soon.

You could have a chat with the other coach and tell him that DS isn't feeling settled in the team. Not sure if it is the right team for him, thinking of looking elsewhere etc. See what the response is like.

Baconking · 08/02/2022 12:08

I would move teams. For that age group there's usually loads of teams to choose from

FrazzledY9Parent · 08/02/2022 12:17

Move him to another team. My child plays for a lovely team with a lovely coach and we've had lots of girls join us from other teams where there was a bad atmosphere as you describe. The parents all say how much more their children enjoy playing football now, and because there is a good atmosphere, new players are welcomed in straight away.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/02/2022 12:21

Move him if any other decent option is available. Some of these small local teams can turn nasty, and any negative feedback (however valid) will be dismissed as whining.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 12:23

@edwinbear

At U14, can he not ask himself? I have an U13 and I'd suggest he speaks to the coach himself in the first instance, there comes a point where they need to start sticking up for themselves a bit.

Well I'm not sure if it would do much good as it's the coach's own son who is putting ds down and making him feel bad. and the coach can see/hear what's going on so... Some of the other boys have noticed and sometimes go up to DS during the match and high five him, or encourage him. There are some nice boys. Just a couple. I used to think they were just really competitive. But I think the coach needs to do more team building. Cos of course they all make mistakes sometimes. None of them are perfect players, But when others make mistakes it's not commented on. DS is nervous every match, nervous cos he doesnt want to be nervous IUKWIM.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 12:24

just a couple of mean ones, I meant to say

OP posts:

Original poster

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 12:25

@CagneyNYPD1

Move him to another team. The coach sounds awful anyway. This will not get better any time soon.

I feel like he wouldnt be missed, they might be glad, going from the coach's son's continual comments. I feel like the coach must be saying stuff about ds at home, would you agree.

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 08/02/2022 12:27

Move him to another team. If the coach displays this kind of behaviour it won't change wether you talk to him or your son talks to him. What division does he play. My son was playing up year and in a high division but while he was holding his own he was very nervous if making mistakes. We moved him to a team for his age and a slightly lower division and he is back to enjoying his football. Football should be fun, if its not fun what is the point of doing it at all?

edwinbear · 08/02/2022 12:31

It's difficult isn't it. There is clearly something going on as the others have noticed it and are supporting him. Can he openly talk to his team mates and ask them if they've noticed that your DS seems to be singled out? Try and get them onside a bit? If they rally round him, the coaches DS might start to find things are backfiring on him. Peer group pressure can work well in these sorts of situations.

Wallywobbles · 08/02/2022 12:36

The parents that make a fuss are the ones whose kids get a good deal. Come out fighting don't just sweep it under the carpet. Bullying is never acceptable. Be loud and clear about what's going on. Ask for a meeting with both coaches. Say what you think is going on and find your anger.

Original poster

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 12:39

@Wallywobbles

do you think? Ds is adamant it wont do any good but may even make things worse.

I dunno. I've come across bullying a good few times with my kids, and have tried different tactics. Sometimes I feel I should have said something when I didnt, but other times I wish I'd said nothing. It's a hard one isnt it.

OP posts:

allyouneedis · 08/02/2022 12:41

From my experience moving him to another team is the best idea. The coach won’t change and if he is allowing his son to bully yours then it won’t get any better. My son takes quite a long time to come out of his shell and we have been through 3 other teams to find a good fit for him. It’s suppose to be fun and it doesn’t sound like it is for your son.

minionsrule · 08/02/2022 12:43

In my bitter experience these type of coaches will just pooh pooh you, especially as its his own son.
We had similar only it wasn't the coaches son who said it. The coach gave a team lecture on 'no blame etc' but it carried on, extended to other players being blamed by this kid yet tge manager fave this lad POTY at end of season!
If the coach is competitive as well it will make it worse.
I suggest moving teams. My ds is really shy but moved teams around 12, didn't know anyone there but loved it and made lots of new mates

Sally872 · 08/02/2022 12:43

Move him teams. There is no point trying to teach this coach what is acceptable if he doesn't already know his behaviour is shit a conversation is not going to help.

As for the boys shouting about mistakes I think that is common, but due to coaches behaviour I would move especially if he is good as not getting a chance to play.

Sally872 · 08/02/2022 12:45

Is the coach a volunteer? If so it is difficult for club. They will encourage better behaviour but they won't easily replace him as not many volunteers available.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2022 12:45

Similar happened to my son and a couple of other boys when they were younger, we moved them to a different club and it was the best decision we made.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 08/02/2022 12:47

I would also say look for another team (or sport). Coaches (and most parents) only care about results and it only gets worse the older the kids get.

Ottercave · 08/02/2022 12:48

Agree with others. Not a great coach at all.
The football club should have a welfare officer you could talk to or move him to another club.

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