say something or not - ds football team

33 replies

Ceci03 · 08/02/2022 11:03

Not sure whether to ignore, or say something to the coach. For a few months now, ds has been getting anxious before matches, and if he makes a mistake, a boy (son of the coach), calls him out on it, and makes him feel bad for letting down the team, and then ds gets more nervous, and doesnt play as well as he can. It's U14's. Last night at training the coach 'allowed' 2 boys to be pretend coaches, and pick their teams. DS was picked last... this dented his confidence. Then during the training, this boy was picking on DS. I have a feeling maybe the coach is saying things about DS and his son is picking up on it and saying it to DS.

Then the coach was picking the starting team for the match next weekend, and someone suggested DS for 'left back' and the coach sai, no no, not DS, and told him he can start on the bench.
I'm not a 'tiger mom' who thinks her kid is amazing! But I do think that this is not team-building, and DS confidence is getting knocked. It was noticeable that the week the coach and his son were not there he scored a goal and did really well. He has a couple of friends on the team who stick up for him, and are nice to him during the match.

I know he's as good as the others, as he's been picked to do a trial in school, and is on the 1st team in his year. I'm not boasting, but he is good at football, when he's not feeling anxious and nervous about making a mistake.
I suppose I should say nothing to the coach.... DS doesnt think it will do any good and might make things worse. We could look for another team, but DS is quite shy and it's taken the last 3 years for him to get to know the team (lots of time off during covid so it's not really 3 years), and there's great camaraderie with the other parents that I enjoy too.

Maybe I could say something to another parent.

What do ye all think - keep my mouth shut IABU, or say something IANBU

OP posts:

Saz12 · 08/02/2022 12:51

Line up another club or team for him to play with.

If that’s not feasible, then speak to the Coach. Tell him you’re not sure if he’s aware of the unsportsmanlike behaviour the group is becoming known for, as they do not interrelate as a team. EG players feeling unsupported and then anxious after being betrayed by other children, meaning that they then don’t play well. Obviously try not to get so angry that you go in with “you and your awful son are bullying mine, is it because he’s a better player and therefore a threat to yours?”... as tempting as that might be!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/02/2022 13:12

Move team. My friends son is very good indeed and simply hated one team and coach who constantly put him down. He was snapped up by another team and loved it.

MsMeNz · 08/02/2022 15:08

I'd move him, bringing stuff would only make the coach feel resentful towards you and your son and possibly deny, best to move on I think, teams are dime a dozen everywhere sure there will be lots of others to choose from.
Good luck

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2022 15:10

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Move team. My friends son is very good indeed and simply hated one team and coach who constantly put him down. He was snapped up by another team and loved it.

And a lot of these clubs are very clannish, complaining rarely gets you anywhere and can actually make things worse for your child, shitty but reality unfortunately

qwertykeys · 08/02/2022 16:24

I would try to find another club .I don't think the coach will change.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 08/02/2022 16:25

moving teams should really only be a last resort - presumably he has friends within that team - possibly from school - that he values spending this time with.

asking a 14 year old to start fresh on a new team where he has no allies would be a big deal, and could just be a different cause of anxiety.

i would suggest that you are honest with the coach about how he's feeling. you don't need to call his son out in a harsh way, but just point out that it's affecting DS's confidence, and that you'd appreciate it if he'd think about how things could improve (it's likely your DS isn't the only one that feels this way).

i've found in the past (i have coached for years) that it's better to give players like your DS some smaller, specific goals to work towards when he's on the pitch - small and simple will help to build confidence (make 3 passes, do 3 tackles, have 3 shots for example).

it would be better that these are also agreed with the coach, so they don't conflict with what he's asking.

the coach's response to you will tell you if it's worth persevering.
if he's an arse who only really cares about the team's results (entirely possible), then maybe it would be good to think about moving.

SeasonFinale · 08/02/2022 16:47

If he is being bullied ask to speak to the welfare officer for the club.

I did however think you were going to be talking about U8s rather than U14s.

thing47 · 08/02/2022 17:03

@AryaStarkWolf

Similar happened to my son and a couple of other boys when they were younger, we moved them to a different club and it was the best decision we made.

100% this. In fact, @Ceci03 we moved DS to a club which was much more inclusive and there he met a load of boys who were at a different school from him and several became really close friends. Two of them were at our house this weekend – they're in their mid-20s now

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