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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Follow up a re social media and bf

64 replies

mi5gonewrong · 08/02/2022 10:20

I posted some months ago about my bf having exes and some other women on social media that I felt was inappropriate.
He didn't interact with them , as in messages but still liked their posts now and again.
I got opinions saying that I was controlling to him being completely in the wrong.

We spoke and he deleted his exes from one sm that he is on regularly and said he deleted/ off loaded the other profile on a different platform.
He hasn't interacted whatsoever on either since.
The deleted/ offloaded profile is still visible to me as happens when an app is off loaded but he has not deleted any of the women/ exes.
He says that he will go back on the offloaded sm platform when he has time to give to sorting out his profile ( he has thousands of friends on there)
He is telling the truth about all of the above but I feel that in view of it being a dealbreaker for me , AIBU to think he should have just deleted those' friends' after we had out talk about it all ?

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 08/02/2022 11:31

Stop checking up on him , seems whatever he does he can't win.

tiggergoesbounce · 08/02/2022 11:35

I think it clear you are not compatible.

You are controlling and sound very, very insecure.

I think you should cut him loose, it will be best for your mental health and it will be better for him.

Maybe try and find out why this is such a problem for you, its certainly not fair to get into another relationship until you have got to grips with your own insecurities, this isnt a normal way to treat a partner who has done nothing wrong. Everyone has a past and not everyone wants that completely erasing for a girlfriend, its unreasonable.

Doratheexploret · 08/02/2022 11:41

Jealousy is a terrible trait. If you can’t trust him to have ex’s on his social media accounts your relationship won’t last. I have my one ex on my social media. We are very good friends. There are a huge group of us (that used to work abroad together) that regularly get together for weekends away, my ex included. My husband of 27 years doesn’t care, never has. He knows that he’s an Ex for a reason and we are both secure enough in our relationship not to be bothered by this. Jealousy will kill any relationship.

Qwill · 08/02/2022 11:50

You are being very controlling and verging on emotional abuse. Are you seriously not allowing him to talk to any other women? Imagine if a man said the same to a woman? I cannot see a future in this relationship and would urge you to try and help yourself in dealing with these irrational thoughts before you embark on another relationship. I feel very sorry for your partner and hope he finds the strength he needs to leave the relationship.

chilli1212 · 08/02/2022 11:53

Is he allowed female friends?

Are you ok with him having male friends?

You really sound like you have trust issues.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/02/2022 11:55

they are history

Is a person's history meaningless? Does everyone have to get deleted like you're some social media Stalin? They're his friends on a couple of platforms. He clicks like on some of their posts. Why does that threaten you so much? Best to chill out or you'll become history too.

Heytheredemons · 08/02/2022 11:56

You are being very controlling and speaking from experience emotionally abusive. I LTB for behaving like this, and if your BF had any sense, would LTCB too.

I'm sorry, OP, but you are soooo past BU. He's done everything you want, and you are still not happy. You are isolating him from friends and his social network. That is not what a loving partner does. Please get help with your insecurites and controlling behaviour, or let this poor man loose, to get on with his life without fear of offending you.

SallyWD · 08/02/2022 11:56

You know women make up 50% of the population and you want to stop him interacting with them? So he can only interact with men?! It's a good sign that he's still on good terms with his exes. Shows he's a decent bloke. I am friend with my ex on Facebook and my husband is friends with his ex. We're all grown ups and trust each other. You are extremely controlling. He's a grown man. It's not up to you who his friends are or who he talks to. As long as he's not flirting or pursuing other women what the hell is the problem?

Original poster
mi5gonewrong · 08/02/2022 11:58

He has plenty of female friends and colleagues that he interacts with regularly. These are exes who post photos of themselves and he likes them. He hasn't seen these women in a matter of years so I don't get the need to interact .

OP posts:
Aussiegirl123456 · 08/02/2022 11:59

I honestly thought you were joking, sorry.

Look, you’re being very controlling and coming across as very immature, jealous and insecure. You need to work on you. Why do you feel like this? He has chosen to be with you. Whether you like it or not, other women do exist and some are prettier than you, some have a better figure than you, but he is with you because he wants to be with you. But if you start making unrealistic and controlling demands you will drive him away. You know that right?
Liking someone of the opposite sex’s picture - whether they’re an ex or not, isn’t interaction and certainly isn’t inappropriate. I’d understand if he was commenting “nice tits” or “I miss u” or whatever, but he isn’t. He’s done nothing wrong.

How old are you?
My 14 year old self would have probably reacted the same way as you, after having a boyfriend who tried everything in the world to ruin my self esteem. Please work on yourself and love yourself because it’s true what they say, you can’t love no one til ya live yourself x

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/02/2022 12:01

To be honest, if I were you I’d come off social media altogether. It’ll make you feel a million times better about yourself

SallyWD · 08/02/2022 12:04

Well I like my ex's posts on Facebook sometimes. So what? We grew up together. I still like him as person, I just don't want to be his partner! My husband is in contact with his ex. So what? They've split up, they don't want to be together. What's the issue? Me and DH both like lots of people's posts on social media in a friendly, supportive way. Some of these people are the opposite sex to us (shock horror!). Doesn't mean we want to get in their pants.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 08/02/2022 12:09

What do you mean ‘the need to interact’?

You’re reading far too much into any ‘likes’… Person A sees photo of Person B (someone they knew / went out with years ago). Presses ‘like’ and gives it no other thought.

Your behaviour is jealous, controlling and immature.

1butterflies1 · 08/02/2022 12:10

I could kind of understand if he was liking inappropriate posts eg bikini pictures of random girls.
But this is absurd!
My current boyfriend told me that his ex made him block his closest girl mate (and had to deny it to the mate when she asked), and delete lots of people on his social media. It breaks my heart knowing that someone controlled him like that and honestly it’s really really controlling and not okay. You have no evidence of him doing anything he shouldn’t be, and the poor guy has had to delete one of his social media platforms?

I’d have a really hard think…

1butterflies1 · 08/02/2022 12:10

Also my current boyfriend absolutely resents his ex now because she was like that… so I’d be careful if you want things to end well! X

T00Ts · 08/02/2022 12:12

Wow.

RobinPenguins · 08/02/2022 12:13

I even find keeping track of who your boyfriend has as friends on social media or whose posts he’s liking to be really excessive. Who’s got the time?! This is all very controlling and I wouldn’t be happy with the situation if I was him.

Lennybenny · 08/02/2022 12:13

I have friends I haven't seen in 10 years but I still like the posts. I don't interact with 95% of my friends on sm because it's there to connect us online not irl.

Methinks you'll be posting about being an ex gf soon.

Staryflight445 · 08/02/2022 12:31

I think some of these comments are harsh.
I think speaking to exes is disrespectful, I wouldn’t be controlling social media though.
I’d just move on.

JohnKettleyIsAWeatherMan · 08/02/2022 12:36

@mi5gonewrong

What does double down mean? Why are posters being so rude?
Because you're behaving very possessively, OP. A few likes on social media don't mean he's up to anything he shouldn't be.
whymewhyme · 08/02/2022 12:39

You spoke to him he's done somthing about it so just move on.

Grumpsy · 08/02/2022 12:39

I’m sticking to comprehend that this post is real and that you can’t see why everyone is saying you are being unreasonable op. I echo what others have said, you need to spend some time on you, and also mature a bit.

Original poster
mi5gonewrong · 08/02/2022 12:42

I respect all responses. They are
Vastly different to the original post I had so I'm surprised at the level of controlling accusations.
Thanks.
No need for any more responses and thanks again.

OP posts:
1butterflies1 · 08/02/2022 12:49

I thought you said everyone told you you were in the wrong in your previous post?

Onlyforcake · 08/02/2022 12:55

He has a past. If you don't like it, leave. You cannot change the fact he exsisted before you, that he enjoyed life, had relationships and cared for people, maybe had his heart broken. All those experiences made him into who he is now. If you don't like that, leave.

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