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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should you reschedule plans if you're ill?

32 replies

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:28

I had plans to see a friend which were made weeks ago, she wanted to come to my city so some travelling on her part and a catch up. She booked an air b&b for the night as I don't have space to host. Planned to have lunch and drinks, some sight seeing etc.

The night before she was due to come the following morning she casually dropped into conversation that she came down ill a few days prior but was feeling much better and not to worry as it wasn't covid, she produced a negative lateral flow.

I immediately felt uncomfortable because I have three kids, one of which is a 3mo baby so I really didn't want want to catch whatever it was and pass it on to them.

I hate being ill nevermind whilst looking after three little ones. I'm anaemic so feel like shit most of the time as it is.

Given that she left it until the last minute to tell me, and the fact she was due to set off in the morning and had already paid for her travel and accommodation I felt a bit backed into a corner.

I didn't feel able to cancel on her at such short notice but I'm now kicking myself as inevitably I have caught it and feel terrible.

One of my three is also becoming unwell so I'm sure the other two will be the same by tomorrow.

It's not the end of the world i know that.. but I will now have to write off the next few days and the other plans I had, and juggle everything else with poorly kids in tow because nursery wouldn't accept them in when ill (which i totally understand)

AIBU to think if you know you're not well then you should really try to rearrange / or atleast give the person your meeting ample notice so they can decide what they want to do without looking like a total arsehole?

OP posts:

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:33

Just to add, I'm happy to be told I'm unreasonable if people feel that I am.

But if so then why?

OP posts:

momiamarichman · 07/02/2022 23:33

YANBU!

momiamarichman · 07/02/2022 23:34

What kind of illness was it? Really thought people would be more thoughtful now considering we're living in a pandemic re how much any kind of illness can affect people!

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:35

I have a niggling suspicion that she left it until the last minute to tell me because she knew I wouldn't cancel on her at such short notice, but had she told me 3 days prior I would've definitely urged her to try and amend her bookings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:38

@momiamarichman

What kind of illness was it? Really thought people would be more thoughtful now considering we're living in a pandemic re how much any kind of illness can affect people!

Some type of viral infection, like a really heavy cold. I know alot of people can just shrug off a cold but they always go to my chest and I'm not exactly in brilliant health atm. I've not long recovered from my second bout of covid plus I'm still quite drained with anaemia (hemmorage during c section) and baby is recovering from pretty bad jaundice

OP posts:

momiamarichman · 07/02/2022 23:40

Ugh that sounds awful, those tend to linger on too don't they. Not helpful when you have a baby!

I'd probably send a passive aggressive text saying I'm ill

Kinex · 07/02/2022 23:40

You're not being unreasonable to not want to get ill while raising 3 kids, one of whom is a little baby. BUT it will be pretty much impossible to go through life not seeing anyone who has e.g. a cold or has had one recently. That would pretty much mean not seeing anyone all autumn and winter! So YANBU because you have a small baby and that's hard enough work, but other than that I don't think people always need to cancel plans when they've recently been a little bit unwell (there are NHS recommendations for these sorts of things I think?)

Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 23:41

I'm similar to you and never think of the right words at the time. In hindsight when she said she was ill, I would have to have said, 'what a shame Sharon, well, you obviously cant visit when you are ill, especially with my anaemia and the baby, but I can't wait to see you when you are well again'

IF, I hadn't said the above and pursued seeing her, did you insist she wore a mask and kept her distance? I assume not if you have caught her bug!

Yes, people shouldn't visit others when ill, even pre-covid this was the case. Given the current circumstances you should have said no, or at the very least kept FAR, FAR away and waved from opposite sides of a park.

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:45

She doesn't wear a mask any more since being triple jabbed.

She gave me a hug when I arrived and left and I just felt too bloody awkward to say anything at the time as I didn't want her to feel like a pariah or something.

I hate being put in awkward positions like that because I struggle to draw appropriate boundaries or be assertive so I'm prepared to take my share of the blame.

I have told her I'm not well when she messaged me today and she said she's so sorry she didn't think she'd still be contagious (even though she was still symptomatic)

OP posts:

BunsOfAnarchy · 07/02/2022 23:48

Yanbu. Not in the slightest.
And I hate the whole 'its ok cuz its not covid'.
I wouldn't wanna catch anything off anyone at any given time let alone with a small baby.
I hope you and baby recover swiftly OP

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:52

It just clicked that she wouldn't be able to rearrange that easily because she works FT (whereas I'm at home with new baby atm) so in my opinion it was deliberately left until the last minute for her convenience / to avoid inconvenience.

She will have known it wouldn't be right to turn up ill without mentioning anything at all, so she left it until the very last minute to say something so she felt she'd done her bit safe in the knowledge I wouldn't leave her in the lurch with just hours to go.

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 07/02/2022 23:52

Yanbu. People who have voted yabu either don't have small kids/babies or have forgotten how hard it is to look after ill kids when you're ill too.

I also haemorrhaged in my c section op. I'm sorry that happened to you too

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 07/02/2022 23:55

Thank you for not making me feel as though I'm over reacting.

It really is a total PITA and I'm gutted.

I'm so sorry that happened to you too, Mummy1608

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 08/02/2022 00:03

You have three children. They will be the main source of illnesses in your household. You might have sent your friend home with an extra one on top of the one she recently recovered from. Sounds like she wanted to see you so was prepared to take the risk of exposing herself to the germ factory. What a good friend.

lborgia · 08/02/2022 00:03

We really need one of the 56% YABU team to actually speak up and say why it's OK to be so self absorbed and not give OP heads up about being sick.

Yanbu, I had years of this with in laws, they'd all tell us once we'd meet up that they had a cold or whatever, despite one my kids having problems with developing an immune system. He used to get SO sick.

They got the message when kids and I stopped showing up just in case.

lborgia · 08/02/2022 00:04

@HeddaGarbled - except that she made that decision herself. She had a choice. She didn't give OP that choice.

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 08/02/2022 00:10

@HeddaGarbled

She hadn't recovered though had she.

She was still ill, just not as badly as she was a couple of days prior when she was laid up in bed.

We were chatting daily all week so she had plenty of opportunity to tell me and ask if I wanted to rearrange or whether I was happy to go ahead.

I'm annoyed that I wasn't given the chance to choose. If I had cancelled on her at 9pm at night when she was set to leave first thing in the morning then I would've looked like an arsehole who'd cost her £ because it was too late to get her money back or reschedule.

I was put in a difficult posiri

OP posts:

CorsicaDreaming · 08/02/2022 00:12

YANBU and I totally sympathise. I always tend to get "mild colds" much worse and for longer than others, like you. And they often go on my chest. It always really annoys me when friends / work colleagues still carry on, coughing and sneezing everywhere, and not caring if they infect others because "it's only a cold". 🤨

Your friend was not very kind at all to come and give it to you, esp with a new baby and recovering as you are.

Do hope you feel better soon

FloraPotts · 08/02/2022 00:18

I'm amazed that , at the time of me posting this anyway, more people are saying that YABU than not. It's basic manners surely not to mix with people when you are unwell? Especially with a 3 MTH baby in the house and when your "host" is feeling fragile post C-section. (I know your friend was not staying with you op, but still.)

I've had this happen before where extended family have turned up to my house for a visit clutching sick buckets! Incredibly thoughtless. I just cannot imagine what goes through the minds of people who behave this way. Obviously no one can help becoming ill on a trip, but to deliberately take that illness to someone else where it can infect them is really off imho.

I think the best way of dealing with this op, to avoid feeling rail-roaded in future, is to pre-empt the situation, and right at the start, at the same time as the visit is being planned, say something to the effect of "I am looking forward to seeing you but I'd be incredibly grateful if you don't come and stay should you develop any symptoms of illness please. Sorry to be so insistent about this but my DC can't miss any more school, thank you".

Changeee15467 · 08/02/2022 00:23

I think the voting is because of the wording... it reads as though she was not ill anymore. Not that she was still actively sick.

My friend brought round her 3 year old who coughed and sneezed all over my two week old baby. I was beyond angry. She then posted about him being sick that same night on social media without contacting me first. It still makes me angry now.

WulyJmpr · 08/02/2022 00:27

YABU. You can't actually know for sure that you got this illness from your friend.

People would never do anything if they were always scared of getting ill.

You did actually have a choice.

I do have small children btw.

fallfallfall · 08/02/2022 00:29

the term "ill" is too ambiguous. could be menstrual, migraine, or gastric reflux lots of people use the word ill to mean stuff other than contagious.

betwixtlives · 08/02/2022 00:44

@Snotevenfunny

If she ‘knew’ this, why would she even tell you she’d been sick?

Original poster

Snotevenfunny · 08/02/2022 07:49

If she ‘knew’ this, why would she even tell you she’d been sick?

Because she would've known it wouldn't be ok to turn up ill without mentioning it, so she mentioned it but only at the very last minute when it was too late to change plans.

OP posts:

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/02/2022 07:52

Your post is worded as though she was unwell beforehand but wasn't at the time
of the booking.

Is that correct?

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