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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be proactive at arranging baby shower?

49 replies

Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:27

I feel like the biggest bitch about this so wanted some external views.

Bit of back story.

Have been best friends with K for 17 years, met at school and have been very close ever since. When we went to different universities we stayed close but less direct contact due to distance although we text every day and called multiple times per week. During uni she reinvented herself almost, and I was so happy as she always had such low self esteem, she really grew in confidence and became a much happier person all round.

As part of this she also got a new friend group which seemed to spearhead this change, I heard lots about them but never met due to us getting together irl when both back at holidays over visiting each other at uni.

Fast forward to her getting married and I was MOH, organising the hen was an absolute nightmare with these uni friends, they were quite nasty to me, excluded me when dress shopping, they were very cliquey and not nice at all. I’m an introvert so no doubt could have made more of an effort during our first encounter but in my personal view when you’re a group of 7 who all know each other it might be nice to be a bit more open to the one person who doesn’t know anyone else really.

I wasn’t rude but just a bit shy having to meet so many new people, all of which were treating these events like reunions, not bothering to talk to me, all the stories were ones from uni so I had no idea etc.

After the drama of the hen and her wedding was over at least I thought to myself I wouldn’t have to interact with them again.

Now into my AIBU. K is expecting her first child in 2 months time, I know she would like a baby shower and I’m best placed to organise, however I’ve been putting off doing anything as I just can’t bare the idea of having to deal with these nasty assholes again, they honestly made me feel like I was 10 being left out on the playground.

I also can’t plan one and not invite any of her other friends as that’s a dick move. I know I should put my big girl pants on and suck it up for her sake but just thinking about how they treated me last time (haven’t included it all here but they were horrible) is filling me with anxiety.

I haven’t yet said one way or another about the shower, so have time to decide.

AIBU to not organise or keep quiet until K outright asks (hopping she never actually outright says anything) about a shower?

OP posts:
Marmm · 07/02/2022 18:28

Nah I wouldn't organise that. I wouldn't expect you to either.

twominutesmore · 07/02/2022 18:30

Are there other people you could invite? Hen dos tend to be a younger group IME whereas her baby shower could include her mum, aunties, neighbours etc id arrange it, get a tipping point of nice people, then invite them last - less likely to come and, if they do, they're outnumbered by the nice people and aren't involved with any of the arranging.

You sound like a lovely friend btw.

Yoyokitten · 07/02/2022 18:31

You shouldn't feel like a bitch at all, you did nothing wrong.
I'm afraid I would be having nothing to do with these people, or organise a baby shower either.

IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2022 18:33

I wouldn't bother.

notajokejustafact · 07/02/2022 18:33

I think that baby showers are a pile of bollocks tbh. Unless specifically asked to then why do you have to organise one? I didn't want one and still had a surprise one which low key annoyed me.

forrestgreen · 07/02/2022 18:35

Hard no! Pretend you don't like them in principle. If pushed say her friends were impossible to organise last time so you don't want to be in that position again.

Monr0e · 07/02/2022 18:36

Was K present at all these events where they treated you so badly? Did she really not notice?

Do you even live close by? Unless I lived near her and was actively seeing her on a regular basis, not just over text message, then I wouldn't even consider organising something.

Original poster
Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:38

@twominutesmore

Are there other people you could invite? Hen dos tend to be a younger group IME whereas her baby shower could include her mum, aunties, neighbours etc id arrange it, get a tipping point of nice people, then invite them last - less likely to come and, if they do, they're outnumbered by the nice people and aren't involved with any of the arranging.

You sound like a lovely friend btw.

I could definitely invite some of her family, although there would only be a handful as she lost her mum a few years ago (which is why I know if she did want one I’d be arranging it as the only other person would have been her DM)
OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 18:39

If it’s something you know your friend would really appreciate then organise without their involvement. It’s not like a hen do where you need loads of engagement - just start a WhatsApp group, add them all - alongside other friends and relatives - and announce that you’ve booked a private room at X restaurant/cafe for X date for everyone to come and have a celebratory tea or something.

If anyone questions why you didn’t canvas opinions on location or date just say that it was difficult to do with so big a group to consider. They aren’t going to start attacking you in a large chat including other people your friend loves who’ll think what you’ve done is perfectly nice and sensible.

Marmm · 07/02/2022 18:40

@forrestgreen

Hard no! Pretend you don't like them in principle. If pushed say her friends were impossible to organise last time so you don't want to be in that position again.
Good idea, just say you're superstitious and will get her something when baby is here so she can tell you the name etc
Original poster
Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:42

@Monr0e

Was K present at all these events where they treated you so badly? Did she really not notice?

Do you even live close by? Unless I lived near her and was actively seeing her on a regular basis, not just over text message, then I wouldn't even consider organising something.

She didn’t know about most of them. One of the biggest was when she was actively trying her dress on, so wasn’t seeing it happen, the only thing she did see was them being a bit exclusionary at lunch just talking about stuff I wouldn’t know about and at the hen they were obnoxious, but I’d say the worst of it she didn’t see or know about.

She knows I don’t like them after the hen, so we don’t really talk about them anymore when we get together but she didn't see the worst of it

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/02/2022 18:42

Baby showers are silly.

Yabu for labelling yourself ‘a bitch’ for not wanting to organise one, for any reason! And you have good reasons.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/02/2022 18:43

Get in first and offer to take her out for a slap up afternoon tea, just the two of you, to celebrate baby's imminent arrival. Get her a card and a gift. Job done.

Original poster
Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:44

@forrestgreen

Hard no! Pretend you don't like them in principle. If pushed say her friends were impossible to organise last time so you don't want to be in that position again.
I’m hoping she never actively asks. At the moment it’s a bit awkward stand off, she knows I’m currently struggling with TTC so I think she doesn’t want to ask because of that, but wants one so has dropped hints.

I’m honestly not bothered from the TTC pov but I can understand why she is feeling a bit on eggshells about it ifyswim

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 07/02/2022 18:47

I also think baby showers are a greedy, grabby waste of time & money.
Card & gift after the birth.

Original poster
Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:51

@WallaceinAnderland

Get in first and offer to take her out for a slap up afternoon tea, just the two of you, to celebrate baby's imminent arrival. Get her a card and a gift. Job done.
This is a great idea, thank you!

We were saying yesterday how it might be sad that our friendship might change when she has her little one so this would be an easy Segway into that, as a last ‘just us’ day out kind of thing

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 07/02/2022 18:51

She can drop hints to other friends, those excellent uni ones!!

forrestgreen · 07/02/2022 18:52

If you're doing the meal out, spring it on her as a surprise, or before you know it, she'll ask you to invite x y & z too

rosewater20 · 07/02/2022 18:54

I think baby showers are sweet and I think it would be lovely for you to host one for your friend. One thing to remember is that a baby shower is very different from the hen do/wedding stuff. If you host the shower, then YOU are the host and you can decide how the event rolls out. I would host a lovely tea and perhaps have assigned seating, with name place cards at each plate, so you can disperse her uni friends amongst her family and that will help eliminate one sided chat. You can plan a couple of games so that you are the one controlling what everyone is talking about/doing. All in all, this is a two hour event where people will be focused on your friend and you, as the host. You can do this!

lap90 · 07/02/2022 18:55

Don't take it upon yourself to organise if you don't want to. Assuming she has any... her family members could do so.

Original poster
Thatoldgumtree · 07/02/2022 18:57

@forrestgreen

She can drop hints to other friends, those excellent uni ones!!
Don’t even get me started on them as friends, I must admit I was a bit Confused when she had them all as bridesmaids as after uni they only met up once a year, when her DM died none of them bothered to visit, I was the one who stayed with K overnight for most of the week, wiping away tears at all hours of the night, and the Ben and Jerry debt was extreme! When she was suffering terrible morning sickness I was the only friend who helped her out, I cleaned once a week as her DH works long shifts and she was so sick so couldn’t keep on top of the house.

Sorry they get under my skin Blush

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 07/02/2022 18:58

Definitely offer to take her out for tea one on one so you can “spend a quality afternoon together” pre-baby. Get her a nice present and talk about the baby at the tea. Your own private baby shower!

BobHadBitchTits · 07/02/2022 19:00

What did they do?!

roastingmichael · 07/02/2022 19:04

I would talk to her, ask her what she wants to do. Then if she wants a shower, just book it and send an invite. No WhatsApp group, no negotiation.
It's this date at this venue, please RSVP. Set up an email address just for the party.

Don't let her bitchy friends ruin it if she really wants a shower.

We just did a lunch out for a friend recently. No games or anything like that.
Just some friends meeting up, a few personal gifts. All very low key.

I think it's a lovely way to celebrate.

Ignore the shower haters, they're not invited anyway.

TillyTopper · 07/02/2022 19:08

No, I wouldn't be doing anything about booking the shower. If she outright asks be ready with a response - could be an excuse (period of heavy work, exams for work or whatever coming up) or tell her outright that you found of the friends a little difficult, would they like to volunteer.

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